I was walking down the street the other day when I met one of my all time favorite TV action heroes. "Yo ! Kool-Aid Man! How you been man?" Kool-Aid man used to be one of the best kids' icons on television. He'd be running through walls of peoples' houses when they are sitting there in bed with his ten foot swizzle stick and they would be happy that they broke into their house to give them Kool-Aid. Running around, screaming "OOHHHHH YYYEEAAAHHH!!!" he was always finding lots of parties with bunches of sweaty dehydrated eight year olds to save the day.

These days, though, Kool-Aid Man wasn't looking quite so hot. He's a dealer now, out on the streets hooking up people like Count Chocula, the Trix Rabbit and Lucky the Leprechaun with little packets of Sweet and Low. While he's telling me how he keeps the hard stuff like Nutrasweet for his high class customers like Sugar Bear and Aunt Jamima, I notice that Kool-Aid man just doesn't look so good anymore. Once upon a time he was a bright red pitcher of smiling goodness. Now he's just cracked, grumpy, pale, diabetic street hustler Kool-Aid Man. Yeah he works the corner too, getting paid in sugar cubes and Evian. He's a true addict I tell you.

Just for old times sake I wanted to see Kool-Aid man run through a wall or two and do his infamous scream that I have remembered ever since my childhood. After snorting the three or four sugar cubes I handed him, he takes off running down the sidewalk like a train. He's doing a good job only spilling a couple of drops and his swizzle stick flailing in the wind, until he slips. Falling on his butt he goes sliding, screaming "OOHHH NNNOOOOO!!!!!", and finally hits a brick wall. So much for childhood memories.

I keep walking, and find myself in the zoo. The zoo is a fun place because you can accost the animals and make fun of them. Unfortunately, the quality of Bozeman's zoo is not that great and all the animals won't come out, are asleep or just lie there looking pitiful. The only animal that appears to be alive is the monkey. The only monkey that is there is not the chimpanzee, or the orangutan, but the monkey sitting there with the big, red, shiny butt.

People are there, trying to take pictures of the monkey, but he can outsmart most of them. He never turns around, so all they get are close of ups of the butt all bit and red and shiny. Most people think they had red eye close up, but it's just the monkey being sinister knowing the power he sits on. People get mad, cover their childrens' eyes, yelling at the monkey, throwing film at the butt, making the zoo a big riot. The monkey knows, but he will just continue to strut his butt.

But that's not the worst part. You know there's some female monkey out there. She loves that big red shiny monkey butt. She's thinking about the butt, fantasizing about the butt. Oooohhhhh... I'd like to touch that big red shiny monkey butt. I'd love to rub some lotion on that gigantic red monkey butt . . . OOOOOHHH YEAH!!!!

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