Squirrel Killer
THE ENEMY
Okay, I will just confess right now. I'm a cold-blooded killer. Ruthless, dark-hearted, evil, morally repugnant killer. I am pretty much the core of evil that is eating away at the heart of American morals and family values. That's right, I killed a squirrel. Okay don't get me wrong. I'm from Montana, but I'm not just some NRA wannabee with a rifle with no ATF agents to target practice with. My weapon of choice is MUCH more deadly. You guessed.
A Brown 1988 Mazda 929 4 door...of DEATH!!!
And already I'm feeding you such lies. It wasn't just one squirrel I murdered in cold blood. IT WAS FOUR!!!!! I can remember every one too. I would be driving home during the day and these little squirrels would try and cross the road. Stupid little things, I do have to point out, for a couple of obvious reasons.
Reason #1: Squirrels hardly EVER run across when there are no cars. They sit and wait until they see a large speeding 2 ton vehicle and then decide it's time to go. Do they have a death wish? Is it like bungee jumping for us as it is for them? Are they just kamikazes with a really bad sense of size???
Reason #2: Squirrels have no sense of habitat. I have no idea since when the little buggers decided that litter thrown from passing cars is better than acorns or whatever they pile up for the winter, but they have forests! HELLO! Millions of acres of food, nowhere near paved roads. When I think of all those millions of SMART squirrels who stay in the forest, I don't feel quite so bad about picking off the dumb ones who play in traffic. Consider it natural selection.
Reason #3: Squirrels don't really fit that much into the ecosystem as I see it. What? Do they keep down the tree population by eating the seeds? Do they eat parasitic caterpillers as they scurry up and down the bark? The only use I've found is keeping my awake at night while they sit there and piss off the neighborhood dogs, causing them to bark until I open my front door and scream my lungs out in vain. Talk about stupid pet tricks...
Reason #4: Fate. Yep just pure simple fate. When I see a squirrel in my rearview mirror hunched over one of his little squirrel buddies who just felt the hurt of my tires, I accredit it to fate. I also think the guy behind me who hits the second little demon is chalking it up to fate. I'm sure the fish and game deal with fate a lot. Yep, that must be it. *grin*
Don't think bad of me. Just know they have gone to a better place. Or.... at least, I don't THINK they have Mazdas in heaven.... could I be wrong?