Satire
Religious conservatives and right wing politicians alike love to libel and slander the hell out of our local inside news man. No, I'm not talking about the weather man, or the six o'clock news anchor, but the true investigative reporter who is always out there trying to reveal the evils of our society while at the same time helping people who need it. You guessed it, this patron saint of lost souls: Jerry Springer.
Jerry Springer has come under a lot of fire lately by people preaching 'family values' and other such agendas. In order to finally compromise and give the American television viewing public something actually worth watching, I propose the following edition of Jerry Springer: You Compromise on Smut, Jerry, You're a Low Down Dirty Mutt.
As the program opens Jerry tells of the political figures on today's program who will publicly admonish the Jerry Springer Show, right on the show! First he will introduce Pat Robertson, the head of the 700 Club and the Christian Broadcasting Corporation. Pat will promptly sit down in the most anal way possible, cross his legs and proceed to use his hands to emphasize every point about the demoralization of America spouting from Springer's news medium.
After Pat's shin-dig, Jerry will question Pat about the millions of dollars that he receives from donations to the CBN and how he is able to afford his 17 room mansion on such a meager salary as he claims on the air. When Pat becomes speechless, Jerry will bring out Sindee, an aged stripper (still dressed in a 2-piece along with a feather boa) who claims to have fathered a child by Pat after a kinky rendezvous during the 1973 "Christ For Life" convention. After doing a quick lap dance for Pat, Sindee will plead to Pat to recognize and just care for she and her son Patrick, Jr. After quick remorseless chatter, Patrick Jr. is brought out, a 26 year old man who hops on Pat's lap and calls him daddy until producers haul all three off the stage and we go to commercial.
Jerry's final thought for the day: When you make money off old ladies claiming to be the ultimate man of God, make sure thos old "Sins" are taken care of first.
Next Week: Jerry Falwell is confronted by the Purple Teletubby who brings up startling revelations and a sobbing Barney who remembers the religious leader molesting him in a Phoenix mall bathroom.