THE FUNNY FARM!



NEWS FLASH! THIS JUST IN!


Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler were plucked out of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship. Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. One of the sailors claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering it's hull and sinking the vessel within minutes. They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily taken off for home. Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a now rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.

You Might Be An Engineer, If ...

  • You introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife" (or your husband as "myman@home.hubby")
  • Your spouse sends you an e-mailinstead of calling you to dinner
  • You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
  • Dilbert is your hero
  • You can name more than six Star Trek episodes
  • Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
  • You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys (or to be asked to do so for other people)
  • You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
  • You window shop at Radio Shack
  • Your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
  • You have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area
  • You carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run
  • You are convinced you can build a phazer out of you garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment
  • You don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is
  • You know the direction the water swirls when you flush
  • You have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside
  • A team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception
  • You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
  • You are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud
  • You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
  • You have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"
  • You see a good design and still have to change it
  • The salespeople at Circuit City, Radio Shack, or Tweeter can't answer of your questions
  • You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
  • You own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are
  • You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
  • You have more toys than your kids
  • You have ever introduced your kids by the wrong name
  • You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
  • The microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it
  • You can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
  • You have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for
  • You know how to take the cover off your computer, and what size screw driver to use
  • You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting
  • You can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week
  • You did the sound system for your senior prom
  • Your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
  • You have more friends on the Internet than in real life
  • You spend more on your home computer than your car
  • You ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
  • You find yourself using acronyms "ROTFL", "BTW", "IMHO", and "OTOH" in normal conversation
  • You have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage
  • Your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory
  • Your lap-top computer costs more than your car
  • You write ASCII smiles in hand-written correspondence
  • Your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine, 2. Fat, 3. Sugar, 4. Dark Chocolate; or, 1. Coffee, 2. Pizza, 3. Beer, 4. Dark Chocolate
  • The only jokes you hear are received through e-mail or on web pages like this one

    PLEASE IMMEDIATELY SCAN YOU COMPUTER FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES ...

  • BOBBITT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then te-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)
  • OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
  • AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great servive you're getting.
  • MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
  • PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN; twice, if by C.
  • POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".
  • RIGHT-TO-LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how young it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to see a counselor about possible alternatives.
  • ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
  • MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
  • TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
  • ARNOLD SCHWARZEGGAR VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
  • DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Their is sumthing rong with yor komputer, ewe cant figyour outt watt!
  • GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
  • NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
  • FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
  • GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
  • RANDALL TERRY VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.
  • TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
  • ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.
  • CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The image says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.
  • AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
  • FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
  • PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
  • ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
  • OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
  • NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
  • SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.
  • JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
  • KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
  • STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
  • HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
  • GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs ... no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
  • CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286AT.
  • CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

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