diary	

1/21/2003
session with doc rassiga today. apparently, it's inappropriate for mothers to kiss their sons on the lips past early childhood... was my mom sexually inappropriate with me? doc wanted to know what i meant when i said my mom has always treated me like a boyfriend, not a son... wearing negligees to bed, kissing on the lips, confiding every drunken secret, dad ordering playboy channel to watch alone, mom not meeting nor liking any of my girlfriends, including kate... why?

2/5/2003
emotional incest. surrogate spouse. mom treated my like a boyfriend to fill her needs. the results?  read this from "emotional incest." sound familiar?

'i understood why i was drawn to women who were not there for me, why i had difficulty getting close to people, and why i had such a hard time asking for help. i understood why, despite all my accomplishments, i felt inadequate and empty.'

so now i just get to reveal more of what really happened to me as a kid and young adult, accept that my first love was my own mother, and let that relationship finally go, so i have a fair chance and having real ones as an adult.