(they may not leave if Snarl and Scata drive, but they come nonetheless )
So you say you want to party ? ? ? Then buckle up ranger ‘cause there’s one in the brew’in. Details and a mess of rambling "jabs" at the lot of you will follow. Most of this is a drill , given that it’s the fourth year and little has changed with our respective "attendees". Nevertheless, I present you the ultimate party-pack, as promised. The information is accurate and essential. The presentation is meant to be humorous, so if I offend you - go cry; but not in the presence of Griz because you’ll be sure to be viciously reminded of it 15 years later. If you have questions - ask them. If you have ideas - give them. If your face is always stinky - wash it. And as far a the yearly update . . .
Sober is not sober and we are pissed. Not only do we lose 1) our bragging rights for hanging with our collective antithesis and 2) any hope of keeping our gardens alive; but . . . who the hell is brave enough to drive our drunk asses around? Plus, Drunk Matt has just lost his identity ! Speedo, you may have avoided the beating in Florida, but now that the Happy Bunch has had a couple of months to let this sink in - you may just have to run. We always knew you were training for something. In other news, Griz loves tongue studs. Please get this boy help. Also, the big day is around the corner for Snarl : pictures from Florida can be picked up next week. Regardless, we are still getting together the weekend before this party and drinking in Tuxedos, right? Pia, you can still wear your skirt - (I thought Sean was the one who threatened not to attend) Who gets the extra bridesmaid, anyway? Not it.
A big "love you all but Jed" goes out to the gracious Love-Clefe for one ham-crack’n of a Bachelor party. However, the lack of a 4 a.m. tear jerking dissertation was disappointing. But. . . your roommate seemed friendly ! ! A special thanks to Squirt for a spectacular rendition of "Trampoline", "Flying Squirrel" and the crowd pleasing "Brain". Why do you even work, with talents like this? I would also like to take this time to award Sean with this year’s "Living Darwin" award. A few excerpts from his acceptance speech, "I like to sleep with the homeless. I like to sleep on the lawn. I sometimes come home from the bars, and sometimes I’m gone. I like the pretty dancers. This one thinks I’m cute. I’ll have $600 in dances please. (payment is moot) Although destroying any hope of being awarded the Team Darwin award, a congratulations must be given to Christine and DC for disqualifying themselves from the long unsettled debate of "Can a 10 x 6 foot plastic burger boy be carried 3 miles, uphill, through the best crime rated suburb of city- unnoticed?" And the winner is . . . Sean (2 time recipient), Drunk, and Nate for least amount of brain cells.
Finally, Beast has been spotted. Details to follow.
Enough already. I apologize for those who have no clue what the above is all about. Trust me that many do. The good news is, you are one of the few officially invited to the
4th Annual Bash in the ‘BurghCome see a plethora of advertisements referring to the World’s Largest Inland Regatta. But don’t actually expect to see the Regatta, as this has never occurred. Nonetheless, there is a Regatta !
OUTLINE OF INFORMATION
When : Thursday July 30th - Sunday August 2nd
Where : The Burgh
RSVPs : AN ABSOLUTE MUST ! !
THE PLAN
Pugs, are you &^%$# Serious ?
I don’t think I even have a choice anymore. 4 years is definitely enough to make this a tradition; and traditions are pretty damn hard to break with this crowd. I anticipate representatives from the following States : WA, AZ, TN, FL, CT, NY, MA, WV, MI, VA , and DC. Not to mention whatever State the "artist formally known as Sober" will be living in at the time. I believe first ticket purchased award will go to Drunk this year; a veteran Bus traveler who says, "it’s just not worth that stinky, hung-over trip back. I’m flying this year and it’s going to be worth every damn dollar of it".
In short, I’m serious, and you all know by now that you should be serious as well. RSVP soon. Today. Get you hotel reservation. Today. If you are not going to come; just tell me. Today.
Where’s everybody staying ? (Section 1)I’m beginning to think most of you prefer a lawn, a truck, a shrub, or a closet; so I’m not sure why I even bother with the Hotel section of this invite. But for those of you who at least pretend to have interest in more normal accommodations, I have included a Hotel Accommodations section with a variety of selections. Though every year I struggle with the idea of how special it would be to have 50 excited and intoxicated friends sharing my two bedroom, one bathroom, city home for an entire weekend - I still think it’s best for everyone to take a peek at this section. I do want everyone who receives this invitation to come to this party. I do not, however, want to be forced to live in any of the aforementioned outdoor sites. I still rent, so I have to answer to police calls, broken windows, and pissed off neighbors in the morning. From past experience, we manage to address those three items without 50 plus guests in my house . So, I have bothered to collect details to a number of options for accommodations based on locality, price, and likely tolerance of you. The Hampton Inn, Oakland, has been the main proprietor in the past and is still a strong suggestion. However, I have another recommendation for this year as well, for those who bother to take heed of my suggestion of timely response. The Days Inn (info attached) has renovated themselves to a very respectable level. Not nearly as nice as the Hampton Inn, but half the price and 1/10 the distance. Also, the party is being held here ! Not many rooms left though, so hurry.
PLEASE NOTE: basically the same thing I have said numerous times already. Don’t delay. They advertise a Regatta every year (though we have yet to see it) and for some reason allot of people actually come to the city for that, and not my party ? ? ? Consequently, rooms are difficult to find and surely my late notice of this invitation has not helped.
Where’s everybody staying
(Section II)Despite my less than subtle hints of staying somewhere else, there are indeed other options. One, follow Sean or Griz around. They are sure to lead you to an exotic pleasure-dome of exquisite taste and grandeur. Griz once managed to wake up in one of the finest establishments of all of St. Pete’s beach Florida; though his one way ticket did include a unique smell, sand in the pants, and the proverbial puke stain. This of course was noticed only when trying to get assistance from the hotel management. Needless to say this route is a crap shoot at best. The other option is the PUGS financial aid package. Although Stafford does not yet support the initiative, I do encourage qualified students, part time employees, or those in otherwise need of assistance to inquire about the following:
Floor, cellar, or lawn space at 641 Shady Drive East
This quaint early 20th century home includes all of the immensities one would expect from a party host and extras too ! Like a hand crafted deluxe Ping Pong Table and randomly placed, fully exposed cellar toilet. Not to mention a fat brown dog.
Discounted luxury coach to and from New England (Please see What’s this about a Bus?)
Free meals and entertainment as provided.
All other weekend activities as outlined in The Plan.
So basically you get to crash at my house for the weekend.
If you feel this exclusive resort-like accommodations fits your needs, apply today. Give me a call for more details.
What’s this about a Bus?
The Happy Bunch Bus From Hell, I can only assume, will ride again ! ! This festival of lunacy has lived as long as the party and as frightening as it may be, it actually makes sense. I leave you with portions of last year’s description already in progress . . this kick-off mobile party is now in its 4th successful year. What else would you expect but success from an event spearheaded, organized and controlled by the only human with a born-on-date ! This team of professional "road-trippers" departs with their multi-passenger vehicle (sized according to interest) on the morning of July 30th from a central CT location, to arrive in Pittsburgh just in time to forget the trip. This method of transportation is not only cost efficient, but environmentally conscience, and invaluable in it’s entertainment merit. Not to mention it carries our fat -asses around for the weekend. (not that we have a driver anymore - the dirty rat bastard). I still threaten, and very well may, fly to CT just to join the ride. Passenger pick-ups ( in route) may be considered and refreshments will indeed be served ! So, for more information on how to join what the critics refer to as "a world class traveling freak show", "the missing link of a generation already referred to as X", and "the epitome of why some adults should be detained" please contact your travel host, Nate ‘how did I ever get this f---in responsibility’ Herzog. The tiny crystal elephant palace can be reached at 860-243-3615. Reserve your seat NOW !
What’s required on our part ?
There is once again a bare minimum of knowledge and responsibility required for your successful Bash in the ‘Burgh. I’ll repeat for those who have not yet heard or had difficulties in the past.
Telephone operation and/or the yellow pages while under the influence of alcohol and/or in the surroundings of others heavily intoxicated
Memory capabilities of the name/location of your accommodations
Use of the English language is strongly suggested
A general understanding and adherence to the Rules as specified in this Plan.
Here’s the fine print. Please give some consideration to all establishments, people, and organizations that I am affiliated with. For instance, when moving the Arby’s Big Boy for no legitimate purpose, please do not attempt to bring it back to my house, as then I am associated with this less than heroic action. Feel free to move it to the Galleria lawn and pay $100 for a police escort back to the house. (if possible go back to the hotel). Other requirements include having fun.
THE RULES
Yeah, you gotta have some rules. First, you can leave Sean (even if he’s with Squirt, but then you get a belligerent awakening). Nonetheless, he has agreed that no one, including himself, is responsible for his whereabouts after the earlier to occur of 2 p.m. or 12 drinks. Lance, however, has requested the leash we tried to secure Motts with last year. Free the Motts - tame the Fancy Pants Lance and. . . his Disco Dance Stance. We require at least one Beast showing and no "go home earlys, "skip the after hours party", and certainly no "I have an idea, let’s skip the bar crawl and cuddle". If I may quote, " bad Neil. no cookie". I would recommend staying away from ‘Rock and Bowl’ along with the shenanigans that follow; but as long as it stays at the Galleria, it’s your choice. Speedo - no speedo; and bring Cubans.
FLIGHTS
(a less than casual message from last years in-house shuttle service)
Georgian and I will make every possible attempt to accommodate your flight schedule. However, some mutual consideration must also be given. First, try to coordinate with others on your timing. This can be difficult, I know, but see what you can do. Second, do not schedule a flight during or around one of the planned events. These are bad arrival times : Thurs after 4, any time Friday or Saturday. Friday flights may be OK if you do not plan on attending the golf outing and you convince someone who is not playing Golf to come pick you up (sorry Warrior, no red -eye flight warm up for you) . Finally, if you get bumped for a free ticket, congratulations on your new free ticket and your not so free cab ride. Of course, if we can pick you up, we certainly will. If we can’t, a Cab ride is about $30, or there is a shuttle to downtown for $7.
Can my ooggie-boogie-sweety-pie-muffin-head-love-dunkin come too?
I don’t know if this would be wise for you, Lance - Someone will get hurt baby, probably you. We like Barb, but is Clif still on probation for past attendees? In reality, your guests are surely welcome. Here’s reality : no likelihood of tears, argument, or otherwise major party faux pas. This is a party with a group called the "Happy Bunch". No bummers please. Otherwise, just let me know!
What are we going to do when we get there?
Well for those of you that don’t already know, there’s a whole lot of polkaing going on as well as the following:
-All Regatta events (or something close to these) as described in the enclosed 1995 schedule. I know we have seen the Regatta only once for about 10 minutes, but this option is still available throughout the weekend to attend as you so desire. I pretty much pack up your weekend with other entertainment, but for the non-golfers and/or early risers you can at least feel the comfort of believing there is a purpose to this party. For everyone else, there is not a really Regatta at all is there?
-A day or evening at Kennywood Amusement Park. Now this has truly become a joke. It’s only 20 minutes away, but let’s move on.
Pug’s 3rd Annual "The-Bar-is " Open Golf Tournament
This, four person team, 18 hole mini-tournament scramble is specifically designed with the less than average golfer in mind. Your entry fee (approx. $65/person) will include greens fees, cart, Pug’s welcome to the tour entry pack, hot dogs and soda at the turn, numerous skill challenges, accompanying prizes and the post outing Barbecue ! Don’t be intimidated by your lack of golfing experience; your team will consist of every level of golfing talent and drinking ability-even Sean and Greg play! Nonetheless, anybody interested MUST advise me of such no later than July 1st. Even if it’s before reserving your tux for Snarl’s wedding ! Advance payment is required and your cooperation is appreciated. Both of which are nonrefundable. Also, sponsorship of prizes is possible and strongly encouraged. Sean, please get tees !
Barbecue:
Join me and the tourney teams in the post outing barbecue and awards presentation. Don’t be frightened by the Boones Farm or the Happy’s that decide to drink all day rather than golfing. Both are relatively harmless. However, this is an exciting opportunity to tap the first keg of the weekend and get fired up for the evenings festivities--in the Strip District!
Limo Fiesta:
Don’t think it’s as simple as a barbecue. Before the Strip District, why not party on wheels again, legally. Rather than odd man out as our driver, why not "higgins". And rather than a large smelly drunken Van, why not a large smelly very drunken stretch Limo. We can go right to the Mons (we are not talking river here) or right to the Hardees. Your choice. So, if you would like to join the Friday night, pre-Strip District, welcoming of the Motts fanfare, please also respond by July 1st (approx. $35/person for 2 hours). Nate, I already put you down for a seat on board!
Cocktail Party
("hey, do we want some lovin' ?")
Why is this called a cocktail party?? Nonetheless, on Saturday evening I will be hosting a semiformal get together of some sort, with lots of refreshments, food, and some more refreshments. Although semiformal in attire, attitudes as you can guess, are anything but. Along with the opportunity to hang out with the other distant travelers attending the weekend festivities, this party serves as an excellent opportunity to meet the people I work with, live with and socialize with here in the Burgh. As you may or may not know, this is certainly the focal point of the weekend so if limited participation is your only option, be sure to put this on the "to-do" list.
This party will be held at a local establishment and occur between the hours of 5-11 p.m. This should give interested parties plenty of time to venture to the SALOON (for those of you who like to stay close to home) for the ceremonial "let’s see what happens if we continue on this path and close this place too" Or , If you want to see me totally self combust--go to a Pirate Game and show up late with the Van!! Entertainment will be provided by the same DJ that played last year. He’ll be there with an even groovier light show and definitely more smoke for the traditional brother and sister disco dance off !! For those of you lucky enough to make it to the after hours, there will be a 4 a.m. German Shepherd obedience training session hosted in a nearby neighbor’s yard.. Nate (and the nearest victim) is your dedicated Master of Ceremonies.
EPILOGUE
1995 Version
For the majority of you, I have already spoken to you of this event and I am quite pleased that I have only heard from a small handful that can not attend. There are over 60 of these crazy invitations being read throughout the country, none of which were sent merely as a gesture. I truly encourage each of you to consider this opportunity to visit me, one another, a new city, and become a part of what may be the most obnoxious tradition yet, in our unprecedented circle of friends. I must reiterate the urgency in planning for this occasion, and am relying on such, so that this may all come to be without extreme difficulty.
1996 Version
Here we are again trying to accomplish a reunion of friends, acquaintances, (and perhaps in some cases slight dissociates) which in the eyes of the ordinary would be nearly impossible. I ask, hope, and challenge each of you to once again prove the difficult, rigorous, and sometimes greatly unaltered patterns of your life wrong; and meet me at my place for a drink and a laugh.
1997 Version
As mentioned in the opening of this communiqué, some things never seem to change in the course of a lifetime. Although illustrated in jest, the meaning is often tremendously bona fide. For those of you who are familiar with the core band of tenacious party-goers of which this party is compromised, you are certainly aware of the dedicated effort we commit to the existence of friendship and the satisfaction which correspondingly follows. For those of you who are not, perhaps this invitation illustrates my point. I am pleased once again to offer my home, ideas, and what seems to be life long duty of reuniting the most entertaining constituency. Thanks to all who have made this 3rd year possible; I believe another tradition has been born!
1998 Version
Happy 4th birthday to this developing tradition. They do grow up so quick. Recognizing the differences, challenges, and situations this crazy world continually places on our shoulders, I once again finish this invitation completely astonished with our incessant fellowship. If I may quote a response to my last big gig, "good fun, good times, good friends - I appreciate them all". I will trade you the enclosed in exchange for your attendance. Cheers to the Happys.
Congratulations and best of luck to Snarl and Scata; July 25, 1998.
Questions, comments, concerns, RSVP’s, or just for the sake of getting fired-up, call:
412-343-6735
or write:
Eric Pumiglia
641 Shady Drive East
Pittsburgh, PA 15228
SUGGESTED HOTEL ACCOMMODATIONS
Top shelf
Pittsburgh Hilton, Downtown - Deluxe rooms with full service, views and many extras. Top notch hotel. Located near the Gateway Trolley Stop and across the street from the Regatta. If you ASK for the BOUNCEBACK RATE, you can get a room for $109/night (includes continental breakfast). However, this rate applies only for Friday and Saturday nights. Weekday rates are $149/night for a large room and $184/night for a Deluxe room (includes a full breakfast). Limited Availability especially at the lower price. 412-391-4600.
Westin William Penn, Downtown - Another excellent choice. Located across the street from the Steel Plaza Trolley stop and in walking distance from a local brewery (good beer\food) and the Strip District.
Prices are $174/night for a regular room and $184/night for a deluxe room. Availability is limited for the lower priced rooms. 412-281-7100
Marriott, Downtown - Very nice hotel. However, don’t eat at the Steel head Grill--it’s awful. Located in the City near the Steel Plaza Trolley stop and close to the Department Stores and to the Strip District. Rates are $139/night. Limited Availability. 412-471-1234
Table Wine
*****Hampton Inn, Oakland - Remaining Pug’s best vote! This place has pretty much had all of our business each year. They handled the crowds well and the price is right $109/night which includes a deluxe continental breakfast, free parking and FREE Shuttle Service FROM THE AIRPORT and to all downtown locations. Did I mention free shuttle service from the airport? If you are interested in being picked up by the shuttle at the airport, you have to arrange it when you call for reservations. This Hotel is located in the heart of Oakland, near the University of Pittsburgh and Carnegie Mellon. It’s not in the nicest part of the City, but it’s near a lot of decent bars and restaurants. Availability is limited. 412-681-1000
Close to Home
*****Days Inn, Banksville Road - This is where we having the party this year. Conveniently located only 2 miles from my house. The Taj Mahal it’s not, but the price is right at $55/night for weekdays and $60/night on weekends. There’s also a swimming pool. Availability is limited. 412-531-8900
Ramada Inn, Banksville Road - Also, located about 2 miles from my house. No pool ,though. Rates are $50/night for weekdays and $61.40 on weekends. Availability is limited. 412-343-3000
Holiday Inn, Greentree - Located about 5 miles from my house. It’s not that accessible to transportation or good bars. There is an outdoor swimming pool and room rates include a full breakfast in the hotel restaurant. Rates are $119/night for weekdays ($114/night for AAA members) and $89/night on weekends.
Marriott, Greentree - very similar to the above in amenities, price and location.
Iron City
Le Grande Pugs International - As outlined in the Plan.