Customers returning merchandise to the retail store where I work
are reqired to attach a ticket explaining why the item is being returned. Sorting though a pile of returns, my co-workers and I came across a flimsy red nighty.
The return ticket stated: "Won't stay on."
Overheard: "Last Halloween one kid showed up at my door dressed as an IRS agent. It was very authentic. He took 40 percent of our candy."
After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "how about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him
a bottle costing $50. "That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a
smaller bottle for $30. "That's still quite a bit," Tom groused. Growing
disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle. "What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
All jokes were stolen from an issue of readers digest... please subsribe to them, they got kewl stuff!
These are a few from e-mail I'm sure everyone has...
THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY MAN WOULD EVER SAY
I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Her tits are just too big.
Sometimes I just want to be held.
That chick on Murder, She Wrote gives me a woody.
Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions.
THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY:
Could our relationship be more Physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Hey, get a whiff of that one.
Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
This diamond is way too big.
I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
Wow, it really is 14 inches!
Does this make my butt look too small?
I'm wrong, you must be right again.
THE PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what
you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number
you press. No one will answer.
50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex
to other passengers.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:
"Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of
the elevator.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside
ask: "Got enough air in there?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear
yours upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the
doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol
coming!"
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake
and ask them to call you Admiral.
One word: Flatulence!
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it
stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the
shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
announce: "I've got new socks on!"
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back:
"Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
Give religious tracts to each passenger.
Meow occassionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one
of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
Leave a box between the doors.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for
them.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
Start a sing-along.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your
beeper?"
Play the harmonica.
Shadow box.
Say "Ding!" at each floor.
Lean against the button panel.
Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
other passengers that this is your "personal space."
Bring a chair along.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see
wha in muh mouf?"
Blow spit bubbles.
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
YoMAMMA....
=- SO FAT,
Yomomma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing
up
Yomomma so fat her nickname is "DAMN"
Yomomma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
Yomomma so fat we're in her right now
Yomomma so fat people jog around her for exercise
Yomomma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everYone
Yomamma so fat You haveta roll over twice to get off her...
Yomomma so fat she was in the ocean and spain claimed her for the new
world
Yomomma so fat when You get on top of her Your ears pop!
Yomomma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions!
Yomomma so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says
"okay!"
Yomomma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
Yomomma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway
Yomomma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
Yomomma so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets
Yomomma so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
Yomomma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
Yomomma so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"
Yomomma so fat she fell in love and broke it.
Yomomma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
Yomomma so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.
Yomomma so fat she's got her own area code!
Yomomma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!
Yomomma so fat God couldn't light Earth till she moved!
Yomomma so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
Yomomma so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!
Yomomma so fat I had to take a train to get on the bitch's good side!
Yomomma so fat she wakes up in sections!
Yomomma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride
HER!
Yomomma so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!
Yomomma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
Yomomma so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell!
Yomomma so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!
Yomomma so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
Yomomma so fat that her senior picture had to be arial view!
Yomomma so fat she's on both sides of the family!
Yomomma so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!
Yomomma so fat that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips!
Yomomma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!
Yomomma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!
Yomomma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!
Yomomma so fat she got hit by a parked car!
Yomomma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
Yomomma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!
Yomomma so fat when she back up she beep.
Yomomma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.
Yomomma so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to
get up.
Yomomma so fat she influences the tides.
Yomomma so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.
Yomomma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.
Yomomma so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
Yomomma so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her
Yomomma so fat she stands in two time zones.
Yomomma so fat You have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on
the
other side just to get her through
Yomomma so fat when the bitch goes to an all You can eat buffet, they
have
to install speed bumps.
Yomomma so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.
Yomomma so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.
Yomomma so fat when she wears a Malcomn X T-shirt, helicopters try to
land
on her back!
Yomomma so fat the only pictures You have of her are satellite pictures
Yomomma so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her
waist
they spelled out boulevard.
Yomomma so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and
tries to tow her back into the ocean.....
Yomomma so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the
bike across the moon, the bitch caused an eclipse.
Yomomma so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch
marks.
Yomomma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her
farts
Yomomma so fat she was Miss Arizona -- class Battleship
Yomomma so fat to her "light food" means under 4 Tons
Yomomma so fat The Himalayas are practices runs to prepare for her
Yomomma so fat she went on a date with high heels on and came back with
sandals!!!
Yomomma so fat she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to get the
fuck off!!!
Yomomma so fat and stupid, her waist size is larger than her IQ!!!
Yomomma so fat she was zoned for commercial development.
=- SO STUPID,
Yomomma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
Yomomma so stupid it took her half an hour to make minute rice
Yomomma so stupid she threw a brick at the floor and missed
Yomomma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign,
she
went home and got 16 friends
Yomomma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her
mind
Yomomma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl
Yomomma so stupid You have to dig for her IQ!
Yomomma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
Yomomma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
Yomomma so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
Yomomma so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!
Yomomma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
Yomomma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
Yomomma so stupid she took a cup to see Juice.
Yomomma so stupid she asked You "What is the number for 911"
Yomomma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.
Yomomma so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
Yomomma so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
Yomomma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
Yomomma so stupid when asked on an application, "Sex?", she marked, "M, F
and sometimes weekends too!!!
Yomomma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
Yomomma so stupid when You stand next to her You hear the ocean!
Yomomma so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at
McDonalds!
Yomomma so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
Yomomma so stupid when she went to take the 6 train, she took the 3
twice.
Yomomma so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.
Yomomma so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
Yomomma so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.
Yomomma so stupid she couldn't read an audio book
Yomomma so stupid it take her a month to get rid of the 7 day itch.
Yomomma so stupid it take her a week to get rid of a 24hr virus
Yomomma so stupid it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg
Yomomma so stupid She has to ask for help to use hamburger helper
Yomomma so stupid She went to disneyworld and saw a sign that said
"Disneyworld Left" so she went home.
Yomomma so stupid she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said
"guess" so she said levi's
Yomomma so stupid she called information to get the number for 411 ...
and
when the operator said "Hold one minute", the b*tch counted to
60
and hung up!!!
=- SO UGLY,
Yomomma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no
professionals."
Yomomma so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Yomomma so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a
treasure!"
and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."
Yomomma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Yomomma so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower
Yomomma so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they
put it around her neck
Yomomma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
Yomomma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the
surveillence
cameras
Yomomma so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her
Yomomma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the
dogs
to play with her.
Yomomma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Yomomma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
Yomomma so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
Yomomma so ugly she made an onion cry.
Yomomma so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours. .
.
for a quote!
Yomomma so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!
Yomomma so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested!
Yomomma so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!
Yomomma so ugly Ted Danson wouldn't date her!
Yomomma so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!
Yomomma so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!
Yomomma so ugly people go as her for Halloween.
Yomomma so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to
bury her.
Yomomma so ugly she scares the roaches away.
Yomomma so ugly I heard that Your dad first met her at the pound.
Yomomma so ugly that Your father takes her to work with him so that he
doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
Yomomma so ugly Your dad's breath smells like shit because he would
rather
kiss her ass
Yomomma so ugly she is very successful at her job: Being a scarecrow
Yomomma so ugly she has to sneak up on a glass of water
=- SO OLD,
Yomomma so old I told her to act her own age, and the bitch died.
Yomomma so old her social security number is 1!
Yomomma so old that when God said let the be light, she hit the switch'
Yomomma so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
Yomomma so old she's in Jesus's yearbook!
Yomomma so old her birth certificate says expired on it.
Yomomma so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
Yomomma so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
Yomomma so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.
Yomomma so old shes blind from the big bang
=- SO POOR,
Yomomma so poor she can't afford to pay attention!
Yomomma so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's
fingers
Yomomma so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!"
Yomomma so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.
Yomomma so poor Your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
Yomomma so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp.
Yomomma so poor she wave around a popsicle stick and calls it air
conditioning
Yomomma so poor burglars break in her house and leave money
=- SO DARK,
Yomomma so dark she went to night school and was marked absent!
Yomomma so dark that she can leave fingerprints on charcoal.
Yomomma so dark she has to wear white gloves when she eats Tootsie Rolls
to
keep from eating her fingers.
Yomomma so dark when people refer to Darkness comming in the future they
refer to her next visit.
Yomomma so dark they made a movie of her heart transplant called "From
the
darkest heart of Africa"
=- SO DIRTY,
Yomomma so dirty she has to creep up on bathwater.
=- SO SHORT,
Yomomma so short You can see her feet on her drivers lisence!
Yomomma so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
Yomomma so short she can play handball on the curb.
Yomomma so short she does backflips under the bed.
Yomomma so short she models for trophys.
Yomomma so short she pole vaults with a toothpick
Yomomma so short she has to look up to look down
=- SO NASTY,
Yomomma so nasty when she goes to a hair salon, she told the stylist to
cut
her hair and she opened up her shirt
Yomomma so nasty She gotta put ice down her drawers to keep the crabs
fresh!
Yomomma so nasty she made Speed Stick slow down.
Yomomma so nasty she made Right Guard turn left.
Yomomma so nasty the fishery be paying her to leave
Yomomma so nasty she has to creep up on bathwater.
Yomomma so nasty she made Sure confused.
Yomomma so nasty that her sh*t is glad to escape.
Yomomma so nasty Ozzie Ozbourne refused to bite her head off
Yomomma so nasty I called her for phone sex and she gave me an ear
infection.
Yomomma so nasty she went swimming and now we have the dead sea
Yomomma so nasty she joined the four horseman: war, death, famine,
disease
and Yomomma
=- IS LIKE,
Yomomma like potato chips-- Fri-to Lay
Yomomma like a library - open to the public
Yomomma like a screen door, after a couple bangs she tends to loosen up!
Yomomma like the pillbury doughboy - everYone gets a poke!
Yomomma like a doorknob - everYone gets a turn!
Yomomma like a T.V. set, even a three year old can turn her on!
Yomomma like a bus, fifty cents and she's ready to ride!
Yomomma like a golf course, everYone GETS a hole in one!
Yomomma like the railway system, she gets laid all over the country!
Yomomma like a ketchup bottle, everYone gets a squeeze out of her!
Yomomma like a shotgun: one cock and she blows!
Yomomma like a hardware store: 4 cents a screw!
Yomomma like Domino's pizza-- Something for nothing
Yomomma like a refridgerator: everYone likes to put their meat in her!
Yomomma like cake mix, 15 servings per package!
Yomomma like a bowling ball. She's picked up, fingered, and then thrown
in
the gutter.
Yomomma like a bus: Guys climb on and off her all day long.
Yomomma like a ToYota: "Oh what a feelin'!"
Yomomma like a bubble-gum machine... five cents a blow.
Yomomma like chinese food: sweet, sour and cheap!
Yomomma like a vaccuum cleaner.....a real good suck.
Yomomma like a potatoe chip seller on 42nd street, "LAYS! LAYS!..."
=- SO HAIRY,
Yomomma so hairy she look like she got Buchwheat in a headlock.
Yomomma so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!
Yomomma so hairy she looks like a Chia Pet with an afro!
Yomomma so hairy she shaves with a weedwhacker
=- SO SLUTTY,
Yomomma so slutty she could suck-start a Harley!
Yomomma so slutty when she got a new mini skirt, everYone commented on
her
nice belt!
Yomomma so slutty that I could've been Your daddy, but the guy in line
behind me had the correct change.
Yomomma so slutty that when she heard Santa Claus say HO HO HO she
thought
she was getting it three times.
Yomomma so slutty she blind and seeing another man.
Yomomma so slutty John Holmes just looked at her and got AIDS
Yomomma so slutty she is known as Homecomming Disease
Yomomma so slutty she has Trojan written on her gumline.
=- SO GREASY,
Yomomma so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid!
Yomomma so greasy she sweats Crisco!
=- TEETH SO YELLOW,
Yomomma teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!
Yomomma teeth are so yellow she spits butter!
Yomomma teeth are so yellow I can't believe its not butter
=- SO LAZY,
Yomomma so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where Yodaddy has two
jobs.
=- SO SKINNY,
Yomomma so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex.
Yomomma so skinny she turned sideways and dissapeared.
=- SO BALD,
Yomomma so bald You can see what's on her mind
Yomomma so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed.
=- SO TALL,
Yomomma so tall she did a back-flip and kicked Jesus in the mouth.
Yomomma so flat she's jealous of the wall!
=- GLASSES SO THICK,
Yomomma's glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can see
people waving.
Yomomma's glasses are so thick she can see into the future.
=- HAS,
Yomomma has one leg and a bicycle.
Yomomma has one hand and a Clapper.
Yomomma has a wooden afro with an "X" carved in the back.
Yomomma has green hair and thinks she's a tree.
Yomomma has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what You're
saying.
Yomomma has 10 fingers--all on the same hand.
Yomomma has a glass eye with a fish in it.
Yomomma has a short leg and walks in circles.
Yomomma has a short arm and can't applaude.
Yomomma has no ears.... I seen the bitch trying on sunglasses
Yomomma has an ass soo big she has to shit in a dumpster
=- HOUSE SO SMALL,
Yomomma house so small she has to go outside to eat a large pizza.
Yomomma house so small You have to go outside to change Your mind.
=- HOUSE SO DIRTY,
Yomomma house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside.
=- HEAD SO SMALL,
Yomomma head so small she use a tea-bag as a pillow.
Yomomma head so small that she got her ear pierced and died.
=- MISC,
Yomomma breath so bad when she yawns her teeth duck.
Yomomma lips so big, Chap Stick had to invent a spray.
Yomomma teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice.
Yomomma mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.
Yomomma hair so nappy she has to take Tylenol just to comb it.
Yomomma so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone.
Yomomma so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on.
Yomomma twice the man You are.
Yomomma cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo.
Yomomma is missing a finger and can't count past 9.
Yomomma arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear.
Yomomma middle name is Rambo.
Yomomma in a wheelchair and says, "You ain't gonna puch me 'round no
more."
Yomomma grouchy, the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy
Meals.
Yomomma is in a wheelchair screaming "I AIN'T STANDING FOR THIS SHIT"
Yomomma threw a frizbee three weeks ago that hasn't landed yet.
Yomomma referees bar fights without a shirt on.
If my dog had a face as ugly as Your momma's, I'd shave his ass and make
him walk backwards.
It took Yomomma 10 tries to get her drivers license, she couldnt get used
to the front seat!
Yodaddy is like cement, it takes him two days to get hard.
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