"You got a lotta stuff on this here site. Can you tell me what changes weekly so I ain't gotta go through each section one-by-one?"

We change Dime Store Jesus™, Tupac Sez™, Dear P.I.™ (the poll), Paranormally Incorrect™ (Zombo), and of course, the main page (the wav's, ribbons, current events, etc.) with each new update. We add new celebrities to the P.I. Celebrity Corpsewatch™ as they drop dead, and on the occasions when we add to the poetry page, game reviews, etc. and/or add a whole new section altogether- you'll know by the icon. When you see the icon, well... we're just bein' wiseguys.

"I missed last week's update due to your unpredictable schedule. Exactly how often do you update?"

We try to get a new update up weekly, but since Pinto died (he was our lackey, for all of you late-comers. we... still.. *sniff* miss em...), all bets are off. Between Terror's hopscotch lessons, Creep's AA meetings and Finster's arson sprees, we get a little backed up. Best bet is to check back once a day, or as often as you have to clip your toenails, whichever comes first.

"What can I do with my time while the page is between updates? You know I only live for your wit & sarcasm!"

Suggestions:
Sheer Terror: "Shadowpuppets."
Negative Creep: "Whittlin'"
Finster: "Arc welding"

"Why does the page have a red skull in place of the Earth this week?"

You, my friend- have happened upon a "Red Skull Update™". These such updates are particularly offensive, vulgar, and/or incredibly hostile towards our readers and society in general. When you see that ominous crimson spectre of doom- read at your own risk!

"You guys constantly mention your alcohol abuse. How much do you drink daily, on average?"

All we can get our hands on. In bars, we're known to have sucked on the bartender's rag (you know, the one he uses to wipe up spills?) when the kegs have run dry. Remember the California Raisins? Them commercials guest-starred our LIVERS. 'Nuff said.

"Why won't Yahoo™ list you guys, despite the fact that they list dead links, hundreds and hundreds of pages that suck, porno sites, and immature drivel like "ate my balls" pages & fart humor tributaries?"

Actually, they HAVE listed us! As a result, we have gotten more hits to the page, resulting in a greater amount of e-mailed death threats per week! THANKS, YAHOO!!

"Why is Hitler™, Nipple Torture™, An Iranian With TNT In His Jeans™, A Leprachaun Who Blinds People™, Dead Rappers™, A Dope Fiend™, Celebrity Death™, and 3 Stumbling Drunks With A Deep-Seeded Hatred For Humanity™, SO DAMNED FUNNY?"

We like to think it's that the fact that these are things that are normally frowned upon in our modern society. I mean think about it- what passes as hip, offbeat humor nowadays? South park & poo-poo jokes? If that's the best we can do, let's all just put a 357 magnum in our mouths right now & end the charade. We like to think of ourselves as the cutting edge- German Techno™ meets Gallagher™, meets the WWF™, meets the drunk that kept gettin' locked up on The Andy Griffin Show, meets the schoolkid who opened fire on his classmates last year, and so on and so on, etc., etc. We throw a lil' bit o' everything into this hodgepodge o' hatred, so there's something to appeal to everyone. Hate... is universal. So is comedy. Put em together, and how could ya resist but to laugh when a pompous millionaire moviestar kicks the bucket? Ya cant. *25 minutes of canned laughter* See?

"You guys said ______ about _______! Thats racist/sexist/homophobic, no?"

We've been accused of this more than once, and it's far from the truth. If you're a long-time reader, you know full well that Terror is a black bisexual female, Creep is a hispanic cross-dresser, and Finster is a jewish hermaphrodite with ties to the russian mob, so how could we make fun of anyone without being a target ourselves? The bottom line is, we hate everyone (including ourselves) and no sacred cow is above our attempts to make a big fat greaseburger outta 'em.

"Do you get paid for doing this page? It seems as if you spend a lot of time on it."

Though we request beer donations (non-tax refundable), our requests usually fall on deaf ears. We get paid DIDDLY. Zero, zip, nada, UNGOTS! We do the page for spite, and spite alone. Our reward is the image we carry in our heads of the unsuspecting fool that comes innocently across our page, and frowns uncontrollably at our wanton display of drunken foolishness. And that twisted grimace is all the pay we need.

"Homosez what?"

Yeah, like you'd catch us with THAT one!"

"Are you affiliated with that TV show starring Bill Maher guy?"

Frig Bill Maher. He's about as funny as a bone marrow transplant gone awry.

"Can I contribute a column/gif/wav/etc. to your page?"

Hell no. The only contribution we accept is beer $ and some lovin' (chicks only.)

"Why is it that when I sign the guestbook, my entry doesnt come up immediately?"

Because juvenile titheads love to be lil' bastids. Lacking balls in real-life, they take their angst out on us by bombing the guestbook, forcing us to implement a system where we have to approve entries, thus stopping the lil' cretins in their tracks. Your entry will show up within 24 hours, but what of any value do you really have to say, anyway?

"What would happen to me if I fell into a black hole??"

*SiGh* we get this one ALLLL the time... Ok, Let's suppose that you get into your spaceship and point it straight towards the million-solar-mass black hole in the center of our galaxy. (Actually, there's some debate about whether our galaxy contains a central black hole, but let's assume it does for the moment.) Starting from a long way away from the black hole, you just turn off your rockets and coast in. What happens? At first, you don't feel any gravitational forces at all. Since you're in free fall, every part of your body and your spaceship is being pulled in the same way, and so you feel weightless. (This is exactly the same thing that happens to astronauts in Earth orbit: even though both astronauts and space shuttle are being pulled by the Earth's gravity, they don't feel any gravitational force because everything is being pulled in exactly the same way.) As you get closer and closer to the center of the hole, though, you start to feel "tidal" gravitational forces. Imagine that your feet are closer to the center than your head. The gravitational pull gets stronger as you get closer to the center of the hole, so your feet feel a stronger pull than your head does. As a result you feel "stretched." (This force is called a tidal force because it is exactly like the forces that cause tides on earth.) These tidal forces get more and more intense as you get closer to the center, and eventually they will rip you apart. Hope that helps.

"Homosez what?"

Yeah, like you'd catch us with THAT one... again!"

"The respective length & girth of each of your penises?"

Ask your sister, you filthy lowlife pervert, you.

"You want fries with that?"

Ok, as you can see the questions get dumber and dumber as we go along, so we're just gonna bow out here while we're somewhat ahead.

We hope that ends some of your speculation of what goes on here behind the scenes. Thanks fer readin'... and keep them questions comin'! We could always use a good laugh (at your expense)!!