FAQ (Frequently Annoying Questions)

Question: Are you really an expert on humans? For one thing your chart of the human body in your office is upside down, you thought Fry was female and thought it was strange he only had one mouth, you keep forgetting that we humans have an internal skeleton, and thought it was possible for Leela to drop her eggs. (Various versions of this reader questions crop up from time to time in various forms, so I'll put it in the FAQ)
Answer: I am an expert on a great many things. I have a B.S. in Invertebrate Biology from Mars University and a M.D. from the prestigious Outer Zytog School of Medicine (founded 2563). I did my medical residency at Qu'lox General Hospital and All You Can Eat Buffet, specializing in Family Medicine and Dessert Preparation.

You must understand that with the startling array of species in the galaxy, all medical practitioners get a little confused now and again, as to how many mouths, who lays eggs, who has a skeleton. These are really minutiae in the bigger picture, I mean we all have the same hopes, dreams and green hemolymph, pumping through our single-chambered hearts, right?

Q: I think I was a victim of malpractice, can you help me?
A: Just try to prove it! I dare you! I was nowhere near that operating room on the day in question, I've never met you before in my life!

Q: Do you have any advice for a prospective doctor?
A: Don't get into the business for the money, because it's horrible. Don't get into the business because you want respect, because nobody respects doctors. Get into the business because you love cutting patients open, because you love the feel of someone's hearts in your hands as they stop beating, start beating and finally stop again. Become a doctor because anything that falls on the floor during surgery you get to keep. Become a doctor because you aren't qualified to become a butcher, web designer or taxidermist.

Q: What is your favorite non-human primate?
A: Why do people keep asking me this? It's that one, you know, it lives in the desert and eats mice and insects. You know, a gila monster, yeah that's it.

Q: Will you marry me?
A: Most offers of this sort that come through my web site are not genuine. I will however, say this. If you are asking me this question and have a poor grasp of the English language, look like something hideous that just crawled out from a sewer and smell even worse...I might be interested. Send a picture and a nasal swab to my office and I will evaluate your prospects.

Q: Do you perform circumcisions?
A: Not intentionally.

Q: Do you perform emergency surgery?
A: With me, every surgery is an emergency.

Q: Where do you have admitting privileges?
A: I think that putting patients in the hospital is more of a right than a privilege. As such, I send most of my patients to various New New York hospitals on a regular basis. Recapitation, torso re-alignment and organ searches being the most common reasons.

Q: Do you deliver babies?
A: Yes, just send me how many you need, desired height, weight and species and I will deliver between 9AM and 4PM the next day in the New New York area. There are price breaks for over a dozen and over 25. Ask about the party pack and sampler tray!

Q: Why is Hermes always so mean to you?
A: What may appear, to the outsider, to me malicious verbal and physical abuse is actually the intricate affection between two co-workers. Hermes is a long-time friend and we both enjoy the healthy and good-natured fun he occasionally has at my expense. Fun which frequently involves the hitting and the beatings with fists and sticks. And the taunts, enticing me with food then eating it himself. The kicking me down the stairs and the walking all over me, and I mean actually walking on my head, not just taking advantage of me, which he also does. The calling immigration on me and trying to sell me by the pound at the Fulton Street fish market. The stealing my clothes and burning my things. The crippling emotional pain he inflicts at every opportunity. This is all his way of telling me how much he enjoys my faithful companionship, my constant presence near him and how much he wishes me to continue to regale him with my stories and anecdotes. You see, we have such a healthy relationship that it defies mere words.

Q: How can I contact you?
A: My email address is zoidberg@humbuggers.com or drzoidberg@yahoo.com.