We wanted to provide a place for all the jokes people tell at the Euchre Tournament . . . this is it!! If you have a joke, rather than trying to type it all out or cut & paste it (and making us wade through a LOT more lobby chat just to find it) please simply e-mail the joke to us at euchtourney@geocities.com. If it's not obscene and we can post it, we'll be sure it gets on this page!! ;))) If you have a title for the joke that you'd like us to use . . . please send it along with the joke . . . otherwise, we'll make one up for it. Also, PLEASE don't forget to give us your GPP name so we can give you credit for sending in the joke!! ;))) Each week we'll put the new submissions above the old jokes, so it's easier for you to find the latest additions. We've named the page after gppWHIZ who entertains us with new jokes each week!! We applaud his efforts and thank everyone who dedicates a part of their lives to making others laugh!! WARNING: these jokes are not meant to offend anyone . . . they are just here to make everyone that's interested smile . . . if you are easily offended by slightly off-color humor . . . you might not want to read the jokes on this page!! ;)))

A Frenchman, Englishman and a coonass (Cajun French for you yankees) were caught by a tribe of indians. The chief told them he had good news and bad news. The bad news was that they were going to kill the three men and make canoes of their skin. The good news was that the chief would let them decide their own way of death. The Frenchman wanted to die by poison. So the chief hands him his poison, the Frenchman says, "Long live France!" and gulps the poison down. The Englishman decides to die by gunshot. The chief hands him a gun. The Englishman replies, "Long live the Queen!" and blows his brains out. The coonass decides to die by fork. The Chief, bewildered, hands the coonass a fork and he starts stabbing himself all over ferociously. He finally makes a deadly puncture and just before dying proclaims, "So much for yer canoe, eh buddy!"

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

*** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would." Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

Sandra was on her deathbed, with her husband Burt at her side. He held her cold hand as his silent tears streamed down his face. "Burt," she said, weakly.

"Hush," he interrupted. "Don't talk." But she insisted.

"Burt," she continued. "I have something to confess."

"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Burt. "It's all right. Everything's all right."

"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Burt, that I have been unfaithful to you."

Burt stroked her hand. "Now, Sandra, don't be concerned. I know all about it," he sobbed.

"You do?" she gasped.

"Sure. Why else would I poison you?"

A wife comes home after a shopping trip, and she's horrified to see her husband in bed with a young woman. She's about to storm out of the house, and the husband says, "But I can explain, dear. As I was driving home, I saw this poor and tired-looking creature standing by the road, so I offered her a ride. She said she was hungry, so I brought her to our home and fed her some of your leftover pot roast. Her shoes were completely worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't wear because they're out of style. She was cold, so I gave her your new birthday sweater you never wear because you say the color doesn't suit you. Her slacks were tattered, so I gave her a pair of yours that don't fit you anymore. Then, just as she was about to leave our house, she stopped and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife no longer uses?'"

Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost on the prairie one day. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this mess."

Tonto bends down and puts his ear to the ground. He turns and says to the Lone Ranger, "Buffalo come!"

The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "How do you know?"

Tonto says, "Ear sticky."

A woman takes her dog to the vet and tells him that she thinks it's dead. He puts the dog on the table and turns to take a cat out of cage nearby. He places the cat by the head of the dog and the cat then proceeds to walk along the dog. The dog doesn't move. "Your dog is definitely dead, madam. And that will be $120.", concludes the vet.

"Good gracious.", replies the woman, "how could it be so much?"

"Well, that's $20 for my consultation and $100 for the cat scan."

A man came home from work sporting two black eyes. "What happened to you?" asked his wife.

"I'll never understand women," he replied. "I was riding up in an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her behind. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!"

"I can certainly appreciate that," said the wife, "but how did you get the second black eye?"

"Well, I figured she liked it that way," said the husband, "so I pushed it back in."

Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Patrick Shamus O'Rielly arrives at her door. "Brenda, my dear lady, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you know yar always welcome, Patrick. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I be here to tell ya, Brenda. Aye, there was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Killian is dead and gone. I'm very sorry."

Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Patrick. "How did it happen, Patrick?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Patrick. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda......no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

A carload of "do gooder" tourists were driving through the Amish country in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. They came upon a buggy pulled by a beautiful big stallion. As they passed they noticed a heavy cord tied to the stallion's balls, running back to the buggy. They stopped in a manner to block the buggy and got out of the car. As they went back to the buggy they gave the Amish men who were driving, holy hell for cruelty to animals and proceeded to cut the cord.

After they got back into the car and started to drive away, one of the Amish men looked at the other and said, "Well, there goes our passing gear".

An old cowboy dressed in cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar in New York City and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young woman sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, ma'am I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses and mending fences - I guess I am."

After a short while he asked her what she did. She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

• For sale: An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
• Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
• Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
• Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
• Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.
• Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
• Stock up and save. Limit: one. We build bodies that last a lifetime.
• For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
• Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
• Christmans tag-sale: Handmale gifts for the hard-to-find person.
• Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
• Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
• Auto Repair Service: Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old girls house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a football!" The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother "I want a football!" Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike.

She holds up the football "Nah Na Nah Nah". The little boy angrily points to his bike and says "Oh yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't have one!" She runs in to Mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys bike. The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says "Look, only boys have these and your Mom can't buy you one!!!"

The next day he walks by and exclaims her "Well, I guess I showed you!" to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

This ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on.

Four or five days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently. The old man said "Sure."

The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived. The old man said "Sure, why?" The doctor replied "Well you'd better get over there, you're about to orgasm*!"

*Please note: the original word here was not orgasm but we didn't want to upset "Big Brother" so we changed it! ;)

• Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
• It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
• It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
• Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
• The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
• If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
• Never knock on Death's door: ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
• Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
• When you're finally holding all the cards why does everyone else decide to play chess?
• If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
• The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
• Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
• There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
• An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
• A Closed mouth gathers no feet.
• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
• Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
• Why is it so great to be a test tube baby? You get a womb with a view.
• What's the definition of mixed emotions? When you see your Mother-in-Law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.
• What's the definition of Macho? Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
• A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
• Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
• You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
• "I don't date women my age. There aren't any." - Milton Berle
• Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
• Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.
• "The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired." - M. Berle
• "As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did." - Robert Benchley
• The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
• As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns: the less and less we feel our oats, the more we feel our corns.
• "I have everything I had 20 years ago, only it's all a little bit lower." - Gypsy Rose Lee
• You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
• You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
• You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.
• You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes just so you don't have to go along.
• You're getting old when you wake up with that morning after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
• Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news - the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
• It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
• You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
• Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
• "The first law of politics: Never say anything in a national campaign that anyone might remember." - Eugene McCarthy

Bill Clinton and Al Gore are flying along in Air Force One when Bill says, "I am going to throw a $20 bill out the window and make one person happy." Al Gore says, "I am going to throw two $10 bills out and make TWO people happy." Bill then says, "I am going to throw out FOUR $5 bills and make FOUR PEOPLE happy." The pilot overheard this and says, "Why don't you both jump out and make everybody happy?"

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over," said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts," she cried. The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?" "Why, yes," she said. "I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take nap,so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

While Bill, Hillary and Chelsea were vacationing at Camp David the housekeeper was tasked with looking after their pet parrot. They hadn't been gone for more than a couple of days when the parrot was found dead in the bottom of it's cage. The housekeeper knew the first family would be devastated at the loss of one of their family pets, so she set out to find a replacement bird and visited nearly every pet store in Washington. After nearly two days of looking non-stop, she came across an almost exact duplicate of the bird. As she purchased the parrot, the shop owner cautioned her that the bird had previously been owned by a Madam and had lived for several years in a house of ill-repute. The housekeeper bought the bird anyway and took it back to the White House.

The morning after the Clinton's return to the White House, Chelsea walked through the room and the bird said, "Too young."

A little later Hillary came into the room and the bird responded with, "Too old."

Late that afternoon the President entered the room and the bird said, "HI, BILL!"

After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that that was enough. They could not afford a larger double-wide. So, the husband went to his doctor, who also treated mules, and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (small fireworks), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

So, the couple drove to get a second opinion. The second doctor was just about to tell them about the medical procedure for a vasectomy when he realized how truly backwards these people were. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

President Clinton was returning from a diplomatic visit to France and Air Force One was out of commission. His staff forgot to make other arrangements for him so he had to travel on a commercial airline. Just before the plane took off, he was ushered on to the plane and seated in first class next to an Indian chief. The President decided to make polite conversation but no matter what he said, the Indian chief just looked at him with no expression on his face. Finally the President gave up trying to hold a conversation and got quiet. The Indian chief looked over at him and asked "What's in the bag?" The President is relieved that the man is finally talking to him. He answered, "It's wine I got for Hillary in France!" The Indian chief smiled for the first time since the President took the seat next to him and said, "Good trade!"

1. Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
2. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
3. Dance naked in front of your pets.
4. Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your returns with roman numerals.
5. Leaf through National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.
6. Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of the Flintstones during that important finance meeting.
7. Sit naked on a shelled, hard-boiled egg.
8. Tell your boss to "blow it out his mule" and let him figure it out.
9. Polish your car with earwax.
10. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.

Since going beyond the speed limit is the national sport in many countries, there is universal disdain for those uniformed creatures who stop you while you are driving. Here are a few things better left unsaid.

• Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job!
• Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
• I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
• Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
• Hi Officer, Do you mind holding my beer while I find my driver's license?
• You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
• "Bad Cop! No Donut!"
• I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.
• You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
• "Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow"
• Didn't I see you get your but kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?
• Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.
• I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket!
• So, uh, you "on the take", or what?
• Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!
• Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
• So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?
• Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
• When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the video camcorder.
• Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

• An older woman can wear any hat she chooses and nobody will laugh. A younger woman wearing the same hat will always look like a lampshade in a brothel.
• An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night to ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.
• An older woman always carries a purse full of emergency supplies.Young women go hungry and bleed to death every time there's a natural disaster.
• An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.
• An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal tea.
• The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets... which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men. Older women have superior sexual stamina.
• An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
• Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes.
• An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent lover!
• Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her.
• An older woman puts herself on a pedestal.
• If you act immature enough and hang around long enough, an older woman will just mistake you for another one of her children and let you live at her house rent-free. Older women can afford to support you.
• An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know...
• Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.
• An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you.
• Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call...
• Older woman know how to cook. Young women know how to dial 967-1111.
• An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas...
• Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.
• Older woman often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.
• Older women know what Kegel exercises are.
• An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.
• Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.
• Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can't get it up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact.
• An older woman has lots of girlfriends... and most of them will want to boff you too.
• An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.
• An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.

There's these three guys and they're out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says: "Ok, if you can really grant wishes, than double my I.Q." The mermaid says: "Done." Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight. The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid: "Triple my I.Q." The mermaid says: "Done." The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying Fields: physics, chemistry, etc. The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he says to the mermaid: "Quintuple my I.Q." The mermaid looks at him and says: "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider." The guy says: "Nope, I want you to times my I.Q. by five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free." "Please," says the mermaid "You don't know what you're asking...it'll change your entire view on the universe...won't you ask for something else...a million dollars, anything?" But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times its usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said: "DONE." And he became a WOMAN.

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Fartman got his name from his wife because every night he would fart up a wind storm, wife told him once that someday your are going to fart your guts right out of you honey. A few days later as she was preparing chicken for super she took the chicken guts out and took them to the bedroom and put them under the bed. That night fartman started doing his thing and wife reached under bed and took chicken guts and placed them in bed and got up and went to the bath room. All of a sudden she hears this big scream, "OH MY GOD" she waits a few minutes and returns to see fartman sitting on side of bed with head hanging and looking kinda green, she asks, "what's a matter dear?" he replies. "Remember you said some day I was going to fart my guts out, well I just did, but with the help of God and these three fingers, I managed to save em all."

There was an old-married couple swinging on their porch. They swung for a while, then suddenly the old woman punched her husband as hard as she could. He went flying down the porch steps. He got up, dusted himself off and said,"What the hell was that for?!" "That was for 50 years of bad sex!" was her reply. He sat down and they swung a little bit more. Then suddenly the old man punched his wife as hard as he could. She got up, dusted herself off, and asked, "What the hell was that for?!" Came the reply: "That's for knowing the difference!!!"

1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
3. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her heart Was Pure
4. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
5. I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
6. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
7. I Got In At 2 With A "10" And Woke Up At 10 With A "2"
8. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
9. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal
10. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
11. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
12. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
13. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
14. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
16. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back Crying Over You
17. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
18. *can't be shown here
19. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
20. *can't be shown here
21. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
22. Please Bypass This Heart
23. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
24. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
25. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

Elvis, Liberace and John Belushi are sitting around in Heaven bored out of their heavenly lives. They go to Gabriel and ask if there's any way they can get out. Apprehensively, he agrees to let them return to Earth for a short while, telling them that if they even *think* of committing a sin, they'll go straight to Hell. So, zap, they're back on Hollywood Boulevard. As they're walking, Elvis sees a bar. He heads towards the door and the moment he touches it, poof!, he's gone. The other two realize that Gabriel was serious. A little while later, John Belushi sees a little packet of white powder lying in the gutter. He thinks for a moment, bends over to pick it up and poof! Liberace disappears.

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away!!! Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the track Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood. With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams..."Will you leave me the h*ll alone!?!?! I'm trying to take a sh*t!!"

What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot? A man will spend all day looking for a golf ball...

What did Captain Hook die of? Jock Itch.

"There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -- 'don't' and 'stop' (but not used together)."

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication! One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!" The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief pauses for a moment then says "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything more about the child."

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message 'He's lying' was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the 'lie detector' was working, the suspect confessed.

"Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them, the rest of us could not succeed."

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were soon captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told his new prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explains the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten," he said. The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced in pain, so he was killed and subsequently went to heaven. The second prisoner arrives and shows the king that his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2...3...4...5...6...7...8... but on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore he also was killed and went to heaven. The first and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw Joe coming with 10 pineapples!"

Clyde and Orville want to get away from the farm and see the world. One day Clyde says to Orville, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." Orville thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. Clyde jumps first. He bounces at the end of the cord, when he comes back up, Orville notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Orville isn't able catch him, so Clyde falls again, bounces and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Orville just misses him and Clyde falls. This time, when he bounces back he's pretty messed up with a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Orville catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" Clyde says, "No, the cord was fine. What the hell is a pin-yata?"