APO Net weekly Issue #1

I have not updated the site in several days. The reasons are many; the most primary was I needed a break. After countless hours of meditation I have arrived at the conclusion that I should make a weekly newsletter of what I have called “news”. So here we go.

Classic Apo-Net stories never spoil, in fact like wine they grow finer with age.

Most of you have been to the public library. Now this was 1992 the start of the "Computer revolution". Everybody was wondering about the Internet, chat rooms, and trying to figure out how to use the mouse.

Anyway I was in the White Plains Librarian writing one essay or another. So I glance over to my right to see the computer beside me was covered with some images you should not be looking at, much less in a library.

So a the kid next to me calls the librarian, they guy next to me gets really nervous powers off his computer and runs to hide in he periodical section.

Let me share with you this conversation.

Librarian: What is the problem?

The kid points to the screen at an error window that says Can not find CD in drive D.

Kid: Its not working.

So the librarian goes to check the CD drive. She hits the button and he CD drive opens. And there is nothing inside.

Librarian: Well that is the problem you have to put in the CD.

Kid: I did.

The librarian just gives him a puzzled look.

Kid: yeah it’s right in here.

The kid points at the 5 1/2 inch floppy drive. You remember those right the kind with the arm to make sure the floppy disk did no go anywhere ???.

Librarian: That's not where he CD goes!

At this point I was mildly chuckling. Both of them were trying to get a grip on the CD I never heard a librarian so angry. The kid sticks his pen in the drive and tried to pry it open. The librarian almost slapped him.

So he kid gets another brainstorm. HE figures to pick the computer up and shake it Of course he did no even get it off he table.

KID: Damn these things are heavy!!

At this point I put my head down and began to laugh hysterically. I think I even heard the guy who ran to the periodicals laughing. A half hour later hey go the CD out. They used a makeshift fishing rod made of 3M Post Its and a plastic ruler.

The CD was a music CD, if I remember correctly a Kris Kros CD. And the library computers did no have speakers so even if he put it in the right place he still could not have heard it.

So remember his as you download MP3's. Remember how far we have come as a society. And remember are pioneering forefathers that attempted to stick CD's in floppy drives of the computers you would not take if someone were trying to give to you.

Top Ways to Elect the Next President

14. Ask a “proven” psychic who would be a better president.

13. Make Co presidents

12. Put Bush and Gore on survivor.

11. Since neither Bush nor Gore wins knock them both out and have a new election featuring Nader and Buckhannon.

10. A steel cage match.

9. Winter is coming up so here is what we do, both candidates stand outside and must be touching the white house at all times. First one to let go loses.

8. Count the votes Again, Again, Again, Again……

7. Divide the country in half.

6. Have both run across the US. Who ever makes it the farthest wins.

5. Bloody Knuckles.

4. Hot Dog eating contest

3.The ultimate game of truth or dare

2. NBC’s who wants to be a President.

1.Genetically breed Bush and Gore to make Gush and Bore make them Co presidents.

Edward Capriolo’s guide to shopping

After my father left I really thought things were going to change. Since there was no longer food in my house I figured I would never have to go shopping again. Getting my drivers license was truly a mixed blessing. Sure I was able to go farther then I ever dreamed but I was also able to go food shopping. The nightmare began anew.

The first you have to watch out for is the list you are given. Many times I get a list that is unreadable and I have to spend half an hour trying to figure it out. On occasion I even ask people in the store to help me for a new prospective on the writing.

See the funny thing is I am in the store shopping for my grandmother and I see other guys shopping for their girlfriends or wives. You can always tell they are shopping for someone else because we are the guys hunched over the carriage with the disgruntled look on our faces and the lists. You can always tell by the list. Ever time I feel like I am on Supermarket Sweep. I have the place memorized and I get upset when they move stuff around.

I have developed about 1000 was to knock things off he shelves into your shopping cart. Most people just use the standard pick it up and put it in the cart method. That’s fine. True experts like me have developed entire art forms that help not only get the stuff in your cart, but also have a little fun at the same time.

The slap: Don’t just pick up the item slap it from the side off the shelf into the cart. Use caution if it is in a glass container.

The Poke: This is best used on cereal boxes. You poke very low to the bottom and the box tumbles over your hand down into the cart.

Domino Effect: You can actually push the one on the left to make the one on the right or middle fall off.

The sweep: This resembles the slap except you are trying for multiple items. To execute punch through the center and sweep numerous objects left or right to crash down into the cart. This works best with soda you family will open up at dinnertime.

The twirl: use this when you get the last of that item right in front of someone else who wanted it. Twirl it around and place it in your pocket like a cowboy holstering a gun. This makes them really mad.

When I go I try to make every trip as fun as possible. I have found several great games that can be played while at the supermarket. One of them is BAG Ball. All you need to play is a bag from the vegetable section so make sure to go their first. Inflate it and then tie it up. Then simply hit it to yourself as you walk through the isles. The women give you dirty looks when you do this because they know “Shopping is serious”, and no place for games. If you get tired of playing with it you wait till you are at a very busy section smoothly drop it on the ground, then stomp on it with your built up fury. The resulting boom startles everyone and it totally hilarious. Do not do this around older people because you may give them heart failures.

Another one of my favorite things to do is juggling. I can only do this when I am in second in command of the shopping. My grandmother might look over to me and say, “ mumble. Uble …bla bal Corn mumble mumbles.” Always ask them to repeat because typically they wont say the size or company and your assumption will be wrong.

So you head out for the corn and you find it. Now simply learn to juggle. This is great because people at the store think you are some kind of entertainer hired to work at the store. The best part is if you drop a can you might be embarrassed, BUT IF YOU DENT IT YOU GET A DISCOUNT!!. SO make sure every one of those MO FO’s hits the ground once or twice. Some younger kids who are in your shoes might be impressed by the juggling so you now have saved another sole by making him one of us “A smart shopper” In ten years he might come into a store and purchase a coconut just to shatter it outside in front of spectators with his fathers SUV.

I only have one dream that is yet unfulfilled. I want to go to the cash register with my credit card in hand. I will give it to the guy. He will look at me and see I have no food and he will say, “What are you buying.” At that point I will turn around and run full speed at a huge pile of canned tomatoes stacked 7 feet high. I will use my 5 years of marshal arts training, leap through the air and deliver a flying sidekick to the huge stack of cans. Ill look at the guy and say, “Paper. Please”