EdwardCapriolo.Com Issue 8
They (whoever they is) say it is not good to keep anger build up inside. Well
they are correct. I find it is best to hold you anger inside for one big rant.
Not every aspect of this issue is about anger, but much of it is.
6 degrees of separation
Have you ever heard of this theory. It is actually pretty interesting, it helps you trace a path from you to anyone else in the world, like a celebrity, or some random person you never met. It works on a theory like this. If you have 7 friends, who each know 7 friends, who each know 7 friends, you start to exponentiate. Eventually you can trace a link from you to anyone else in 6 steps or less. To prove how close one can come to someone else and not even know it, I have two random stories, which all relate back to me.
6 Degrees of Rebels
Everyone has now heard how my grandmother takes me on these crazy shopping
trips. On Saturday I was waiting to play some friends in a game of hockey. Of
course after waiting for my grandmother at the hairdresser she drop a last
minute bombshell. "WE DESPIRATLY NEED COKE!" Hearing her say those
words were funny, as I pictured my grandmother injecting herself with Cocaine.
The result however was not funny. It meant I had to waist more of my life away,
helping her shop. Its not like she goes once a week either it usually 4 times or
so!! 4 times.
In the long run, I did not miss the game, so I was not that upset. One of the
other players did miss it however. It seems that one of them saw me shopping
with my grandma at Pathmark, while he was shopping with his grandma at pathmark.
As a result he thought the game was cancelled and he missed it.
As the World turns
Well I had to go to school and register for some classes. My mother is being a royal pain in the ass lately and decided she "DESPIRATLY" needed the car so I took the bus". On the way back I get a brain storm. I figure that I do not need to buy a transfer I can just go to my friends house and hang out with him.
It was raining as I took a short walk from the train station to
his house, but I did not mind. However when I got there and he was not home I
was pissed. So I figure no big deal, I will just walk to the nearest payphone
and call my mother. So I do that, but she is not home. Great. Well lucky for me
I had a friend who worked at a gas station right near the payphone, so I figured
I would wait inside and chill until one of the two get back. So I wait for about
an hour and then I call home. I got in touch with my mother and told her where I
was, and asked her to come and get me.
So my mother picks me up. Where does she want to go after?
Shopping. I should have just walked home. That however is not even the ironic
part.I sw I was talking to my friend today, and I told him about how I missed
him, he laughed and told me this.
Pat: I was driving home. I was about a block from my house and some one from the left lane cut across and made a right turn, almost hitting me. I was about to curse at her, but I realized that it was your mother in that boat. (Boat is a nickname for the huge crown victoria)
The Edward Capriolo extended dictionary.
This little dictionary is meant to help you increase your vocabulary, by
giving you several new definitions of already existing words.
Crazy: ADJ. Word used to enphisize something. Usage: This is a crazy
issue.
Classic: ADJ When something is incredible and can not be forgoten. Usage: That
crazy issue was classic.
Semi-Classic: ADJ Something that is slightly incredible. Usage: That story is
semi-classic, but I doubt it will make it into issue 9 Biaytch!
Biaytch! : Noun This is a way to refer to someone you are joking around with. Usage: Listen Biaytch!, don't make me take off my belt and beat you like a red headed step child come christmas time.
Ha-do-Ken: Interjection: This word is a way of making any sentence more
exciting. It must be said loudly. Usage: WE DESPIRATELY NEED COKE! HA-DO-KEN!
Randomness is truely Genetic.
Some people tell me that my thought patern is somtimes very random. I just wanted to show you how it run in my family.
MOM: The steak at micheal jordans resaurant is really good.
MOM: La Circe is open again.
MOM: That chile was really hot. ( This is the chilly I made for dinner over 6 Hours ago)
MOM: Did you ever heard of the place on the net called buckedcompany.com?
MOM: This is one of the guys that used to make a lot of money but is now on the unemployment line. he said my path has been paved with broken benefits and stock options all before my 22nd birhday ( I think this relates to the last question but I do not know how)
MOM: They have alien cups and sousers now. The aliens have 4 different color eyes
Funny things my mother sais on the ride home
Ed: This is ten ten wins it repeats every hour I am not hearing it again
Some funny things my mother does around the house.
ED: Mom what the heck are you doing?
MOM: I dont want the bushes to die they are expensive.
The funniest christmas present I could possibly get
Now I am not going to blast my mother any more. She got me some nice things, but you know what she got me? Band-Aids! I really hate myself for not getting her those toothpics she always wanted.
Why your children will think playgrounds are gay
Hey remeber when you were a kid and your local neighborhood playgound had the really big slide, the monkey bars, the jungle gym. You remember those great big metal monstrosities that the sissy kids were affraid to climb? Well unfortunaly the world has turned gay. Yup it seems that playgrounds are “far too dangerous”. Kids fall down they break the arms they chip a tooth, what would happen in the old days? You would cry and your father might say, “mammas boy” and shake his head . Now a days its all different. If a kid falls of the monkey bars what is the father goign to say, “Honey save that part of his tooth we are going to be rich!”
Yup it is unfortunate because these days you can be sued for just about anything. You know the infamous cases. The lady who spilled coffey on herself and sued. The burgular who tripped on your stairs and is suing you. OJ simpson Not guilty in murder 1, but liable in a wrongfull death suit. and what is the result?
GAY PLAYGROUNDS.
Now a days all the slides are plastic, because you would not want little Bobby to slide down to fast and land hard on his coolie. and what about Sally no chance of her falling off that see saw with the springs to make sure no one goes more then a couple inches off the ground. The swings are always set up so Terry cant jump off of them. And what about litle nicky he is afraid of heights, well that is ok the highest point on the entire thing is like 4 feet of the ground.
Well if and when I have kids they are not going to play on some GAY playground. In fact I will build one myself. It will be made of Jaged rustly metal, soddered or bolted together, with some sections of splintery wood. Its going to have a see saw like a catapult, the swings and monkey bars are comming right from the set of American Gladiators. and the tire swing is going o hang from the biggest tree in the yard. The slide, the slide is going to be so big that from he top you can see into everyones back yard no mater how big the fence is. And what is at the botom of the slide? Rubber No, sand no, pricker bushes.
**Edward Capriolo.com writing staff would like to clear up confusion by saying GAY means happy to avoid possible lawsuits.
THE MEANING OF IT ALL
OK you may have been wondering after the entire conspiracy about issue 8 why did it come out now? One factor drove me over the edge.
About 9 months ago when the economy was going good I
decided to take advantage of one of those high interest rate CD's. At 6.25 % I
thought I would be getting a good deal. However, I realized that I was pnly
going to make 40 dollors interest on my 1,000 dollors over 9 months. Neadless to
say i was pissed off at myself for not getting putting it in mutual funds. A
week later the market took a dive, I patted myself on the back because even
though I was not going to earn much with the CD i did not lose it in the market.
Ok so 9 months come and go and I get a letter in my mailbox. My mother opens it
and leaves it in my room and acts with no urgency as the deadline to withdraw the
money for anouther 6 months comes and goes. "I think todays the last day
you had better go to the bank", she says. So I find the letter and look at
it, and the last day was over a week ago.
So I curse for a while and then I decide to go to the bank. It seems that since
I missed the cutoff date. They decided to reinvest my money in anouther 9 month
CD with a lower interest rate. Unfortunately thier was, "Nothing we can do
about it." Well at this point I was considereing blowing up, but as I said
in the beginning of the issue I decided to hold the anger in, and play it cool.
They were going to get my some of my money for an early termination fee, but I
was not going to go down easy.
Ed: Well unfortunatly I need the money. So I am going to
have to take it out.
Bank official: Ok I understand. Would you like me to move that into your
checking acount?
(this is when the ice started running through my vains, I gave this evil glaring
look, and laid it out in a flat monotone voice)
Ed: No that won't be neccesary. I am dissatisfied with the service of your
establishment. You can close that account.
(That was about the most sinister thing I have ever said. I was so proud)
Bank official: I understand. Would you like it in hundreds?
Ed: Yes. ( I actually wanted to ask for it in singles)
So of the 46 dollors interest I made I lost 36 of it. It sucked but in the end I guess I would have spent it all. If any of you want to boycott First Union, I sure will for the rest of my life, and you can join me.