Issue 10

Annalist had predicted that it would be several months before Apo-Networks would produce another issue. However if you know anything about me you know that I can be unpredictable. Well here is what happened. Turo and Mike were writing a letter to me about their visit to the Amish country. Marvin expressed interest in writing a story. So he made one, with my proofreading we made it classic. Finally on the printer today I came across the over 35 computer poem and because of the 2 very funny lines I posted it. So my update for April the 23rd was going to be of 3 stories. Then I thought to myself. What the heck 3 stories constitutes an ISSUE! Issue 10 was truly done by the writing staff. In fact I did just about nothing. Which is cool. First up is a story from Marvin about the horrors of public transportation, and actually about how driving with my mother and I is not much better. Finally the issue ends with Turo and Mikes letter to me.

Waitin for the bus

  It was just another long day in my boring life. Ed and I just got out of networking, Networking is a bad class to meet girls in. There is only one older lady in the class, she is about 40 and is not giving me any play. So we finish networking and are waiting for his mom.

  While we were waiting, we got into a conversation with this kid (I am horrible with names, I like to play a game where I see how long I can go without knowing their names. I am still playing) We were talking about the Apollo space hoax. I think it’s a hoax because I am a proud communist and I am going back to china once I am done with you capitalist pigs. After waiting for Ed’s mom for about 40 minutes, I decided to take the bus home. Finally Ed’s mom shows up.

  She told us that she was late cause she was at another one of those seminars. (I enjoy the ride to the bus station, Ed and his mom usually argue about anything and everything. It’s always nice to know you are not the only one with a dysfunctional family) Here I am spacing out cause I’m tired and these two are at it again. Edward was calling his mother a lazy jobless welfare recipient, and she was yelling Ed because he had a parking ticket, she claimed he was “going to be arrested”

  When I was dropped off at the station, I saw my bus drive away. Its funny whenever Ed’s mother gets involved you can always count on being late, or lost, or both. So there I was freezing my ass off, trying to get home. I am forced to overhear conversations of the SUNY-Purchase students. I come to a few conclusions. 

1.Drugs are bad.

2. Some people are just not meant to procreate.

Finally I just passed out on the bench after a long day at school, and then someone woke me up. I didn’t recognize her at first. It turned out to be an old friend of mine from high school. So we were talking, made some plans to hang out sometime. Score one for pimp master Marvin. Then my bus finally came. It was a perfect end to such a miserable day. 

Poem for Over 35
writer unknown

From a science fiction show of note
a computer was something on TV
A window was something you hated to clean
and Ram was the cousin of goat

Meg was my girlfriend
and gig was a job for the nights
now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes

An application was for employment
a program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age
a cd was a bank account
and if you had a 3-inch floppy
you hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage
not something you did to a file
and if you unzipped anything in public
you would be in jail for a while

log on was adding a wood to the fire
hard drive was a long trip on the road
a mousepad was where a mouse lived
and the backup happened to your commode

cut you did with a pocket knife
paste you did with glue
a web was a spider's home
and a virus was the flu

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
(end?)
but you can not spend computer cache

Note: Poem was missing last line so I added one.

last thursday

Dear Edbert:  (written on the bus while in Amish country)

Today Mike and Turo took a trip with Herr Schulz to the queers known as
the Amish.  The first thing that happened was that they stopped to say hello
to Schulz but it was too early and he said "Get on the Bus".  Then they took
a lesson in ESOL in which the crazy immigrants taught them stuff.  Their
first stop was McDonalds, even though they wanted Burger King.  Here they
encountered quite a problem.  The enemy had sent an attack train after them
that kept going on drive bys.  They didn't get hit but Goober and Evan took a
beating.  A few casualties were ok though, specially cause Goober was a
midget.  Then Turo went deer hunting but those crazy deer just wouldn't die.  
Even when Turo attacked the screen.  During the bus ride they watched "The
Witness" where dreamy Harrison Ford kicked some Amish asshole.  Then they
passed the School bus graveyard, where thousands of buses where put to rest.  
Unfortunately they had not yet encountered pie.  
Once they got to Amish country Mike and Turo watched a phatty film called
Jacob's Decision.  This was whether Jacob wanted to stay Amish or become a
"mad cat playa playa".  "It is Jacob's decision not yours fatty".  Then piggy
lost his specs.  Then they went on an Amish tour in which Bryant Cassie's dad
the drunken Scottsman gave them all the crazy Amish details.  After that they
had some free time to joke around and they decided to buy a soda.  Here is
where they met …….  THE CRAZY AMISH VENDING MACHINE FROM CRAZY AMISH HELL.  
They needed a plan and so they adopted -- operation get a soda in Amish
country-- but the machine was too crazy.  It cost $1.25 but you couldn't use
two-dollar bills and so only Mike could get a soda.  They had to scrounge for
nickels and dimes in order to but a soda.  Then they had none of the types so
he was stuck with Brisk Iced Tea.  "Only in Amish country".  Then Turo was
thirsty so he had to go and buy 50¢ worth of merchandise just to get a damn
Pepsi.  Turo was magic and was able to get a Pepsi, where Mike could not.  
Then on the way to the bus Schulzy told them to just look at the cows and be
happy.  Then they saw an Amish warfare supply warehouse called Pete's
Raiders.  This is a tactical warehouse in which the Amish get their weapons,
the baz- Amish-ooka.
Then they went to the Kitchen Kettle Village in which the Amish worked.  
This place was boring- super boring- so boring that they decided to go on a
adventure, to search for the glorious two hot dog and a soda for one dollar
Amish bargain, but that sucked as well.  So they followed the Amish scooter
gang back to the village.  There banjo bob was a strummin' on his banjo and
Turo was jitterbugging like a madman.  Then Turo said "Mike it is our duty to
save the Amish from evil", Mike replied; "this place smells like horse shit".
 Then they argued again on whether you could get two hot dogs and a coke for
only a buck, Mike said "no way, what do you think this is 10-10-220".  Then
those crazy Amish tried to rip them off, but they weren't fooled that easily.
 They refused to purchase from the crazy Amish capitalism.  Then they were
inspired to get homemade pasteurized and unhomogenized ice cream.  They
finally got to leave after Turo let off a spitfire of coconut ice cream over
the crazy Amish.  Then the craziest thing happened; Mike witnessed crazy
Amish lesbian cow sex at the Amish Barn.  He got Harrison Ford to star as him
in the hit movie "The Witness II" where Dewey from Malcolm in the Middle
played the little kid that got run over by an Amish bus.  After that Herr
Schulz sprinted "Deutsche" style to check if the Amish flea market was open
but unfortunately it had become an Amish pornography shop.  But on a higher
note Turo found Pie.
Then they went on a tour at Anderson pretzel factory.  The tour was okay but
at the end there was a definite lack of warm freshly made yummy pretzels so
they revolted and ate all the free samples, they took more then one… mwah hah
hah… and then smashed the factory to create cracks in the walls.  Back on the
bus Turo realized that Greg's mom was a crazy Prussian soldier who needed to
shave her curly mustache.  In summary "Anderson factory = glue".  Then piggy
got a case of the asthmar.  Then the bus broke down and we were forced to eat
Berger's dead body.  Herr Schulz likes cows.  The cows attacked the bus and
they had to sacrifice Esol to the cow god.  Amish country is boring!!  FART.  
Then something amazing happened, an Amish women made advances towards Turo
"only in Amish country".  Then we had a back up due to Amish construction and
took picture ops with the guys plowing the field.  Her Schulz was extremely
talented at spotting little Amish girls… very interesting.  Then Schulz
seduced us with his song.  There was nothing else to do but melt in his hands
"classic".  
Then they took their revenge on the crazy vending machine.  First Turo just
beat the machine with his fists, but then Mike realized that it was plugged
in on the other wall.  So they unplugged it and they thought it was double
revenging them by having a back up battery but it eventually powered down.  1
point for Mike; 0 for Pepsi.  Then they went back to Amish land and decided
to wage war on the Amish and started to charge across the fields.  They got
half way but then the Amish retaliated and they needed to retreat.  The Amish
were just to much for them.
Then it was time for dinner "you like Buffet you f**king gay".  First Turo
had a great idea- to take all the butter packets for underneath the bus
wheels.  There the packets stayed in his pockets the whole time.  Then they
noticed some nasty glop on the table; this became the basis for a brilliant
concoction of glop, ice cream, butter, ice cubes, and spoons. Then they were
served, Fried chicken, mashed potatoes, corn, roast beef, sausage, green
beans, and gravy.  Then they at, Bryan started to crave mass mashed potatoes
and ate super amounts.  No gravy was coming out of the bowl so Turo put the
potatoes in the bowl itself and ate from it.  The crazy China-Amish waiter
laughed at him.  He was the Mac Daddy of waiters.  Then dessert came and for
the second trip in a row Turo spilled lemonade on his pants.  Then there was
a one eyed staring contest and the champion (mike) kept his position but Turo
gave him a run for his money.  During dessert Turo discovered that the
restaurant was actually a gas chamber.  The mass old people would eat the
glop and then release a noxious nerve gas.  It kills people under 55 in
seconds but does nothing to elderly people who have special immune systems.  
Then there was an ice cream encounter.  Mike put paper in Turo's iced cream
and Turo screamed "DAS IST MEIN EIS".  This made Kyle turn purple and snarf
all over the place.  Then we got out just in time before the nerve gas came.  
Turo put the butter under the tire and as they pulled away it was there-
splat against the ground.  "Only in Amish country".  Then we headed home
where the Esol kids went mad and ate the Chinese kid with sunglasses.  In the
end it was a successful day MJ had intercourse and they kicked Berger's ass
righteously.  And in the end they got free Pie.  The End

PS. Then piggy was hit by a boulder and died as the conch shell was shattered.