EdwardCapriolo.Com Issue 3
T.E. (Thanksgiving Edition)
Usually special editions of magazines are made to be better
then the standard issues. However the thanksgiving vacation has messes me up and
I forgot all about it until Friday afternoon. I was very short on news until
Sunday when several interesting things happened. I am adding a little political
satire to this issue as well. Enjoy.
Come Saturday night I could not
even sleep. I was worried that I would have to cancel issue 3 and disappoint
all two of my loyal readers. However a miraculous news event is occurring.
Incase you have not heard of it its name is a Rat Symposium. It is being held
at Cornel University None the less.
This story is so funny even the
guys on 1010 wins are making puns about it calling the guest speakers “Rat
Czars”(Czar was the name given to strict Russian rulers). I cannot even begin
to imagine how many rat gurus are going to be there.
Lets think about this, lets
say you hopped on a train and went down to “Rat Fest 2000” If they served food
at this convention would you eat it? Will you be riveted by a speech by a
world-renowned rat expert? Would they give away handy house hold items like the
“RATTRAPPER” or the “Rat TAT TAT”. Suppose you met someone at this convention
and got there number. Would you call her up in a month and say “ Hi I am Ed,
remember me? We met at Ratstock?” Do you think you would have to cross a picket
line of Rat Activist who are pissed about inhumane Rat Traps?
I have a very unique opinion on
this problem; you see the problem is not the rats. It’s everything else. The
massive garbage, the run down buildings, the water and I will leave it at
that.
Lately everyone has been so worried about the votes in the Florida
election and everyone is saying “THE
WILL OF THE PEOPLE”. Well after taking political science I am almost a
certified expert and I thought I would sum up my opinion on deciding the
winner.
LET THEM BATTLE IT
OUT IN THE COURTS
You see the sad fact
of the matter is most people including myself are not experts on the
candidates’ issues. Even if we do have our preconceived notions (there lies) don’t always turn out to be
true. Besides that many vote right down the line. That being the case I say
politicians are just politicians its there job to do stuff like this. So I say
“May the best politician win” heck if Gore can make 500 dimpled chad votes
appear from his butt that was a great maneuver. The fact that it’s all
democrats counting the votes is even better. If the republicans can shoot down
a recount in court that’s great. Since the votes are so close the winner should
be the guy best at manipulating the system, as he would make the best
president. Ok never mind Bush was certified in Florida.
Operation Pokemon
Until now it has been classified information that a large police force
mobilization called operation Pokemon occurred this year. I have the exclusive
interview with an unnamed officer on an unnamed police force. He did much of
the legwork on the front lines. I am going to sum up his story.
It was like any day on patrol. The dispatcher sent me a call about
theft, so I went to the scene. I talked to the mother of a young boy who said
his Pokemon cards were stolen by another young boy.
The next part is difficult, as you all know Pokemon cards can sometimes be
played for keeps similar to Pog’s. The first step of an investigator is to
determine whether there was a theft of cards or to determine if the child had
the competency to know if he was playing for keeps. This does go slightly above
the duty of an officer, but resolving these issues prevent your name from
coming up in a possible civil trial if the kids try to sue the shit out of each
other for the Pokemon cards.
I determined that it was a theft and proceeded to the primary suspects house.
After talking to the child’s mother she gave me permission to question the kid.
Of course the first thing he said was “I don’t have his Pokemon cards!” even
before I asked him about the cards so I knew he had them. The kid did not
realize he had blown it right there so he continued to tell me stories, about
“trade” he had made with the victim, and about his great Pokemon battles were
he heroically won the cards from the other kid. Eventually I was able to scare
him enough that he ran upstairs and came down with a handful of pokemon cards.
I returned the cards to the victim, and he confirmed they were his, but
stated that there was an entire binder of cards. So I returned to the suspect’s
house and we repeated the same routine as before and after another half hour of
stories he came down with the entire binder. And that was the first Pokemon
case I ever solved, hopefully it will be the last.
Driving Mrs. Daisy
Ok I have to admit I was almost a natural driver. I did not have a
great feel for the break pedal, and I had a very good feel for the gas pedal as
that revolutionary war statue in White Plains that I hit demonstrates. I was
not one of those Losers who failed the road test. I mean the road test is easy.
Stay under 30, don’t hit anything, and either get the park or the three-point
turn right and you pass. However as I have been told in the Bulgarian drivers
test no quarter is given.
For an example the instructor might say, “Make a right here”. However
that is a one-way street and if you make the turn you fail. You also have to
say to the guy, “ I can’t make the turn it’s a one way.” The test guy or gal
might say “ Ok pull over. You have done well, and I will give you your
license”. You pull over and the instructor says, “ You pulled over on a bridge
you failed” This is classic stuff.
In fact if you fail enough times you earn a stigma, and none of the
instructors want to pass you. If this is the case when you go to take the test
they make you drive around indefinitely until you fail. Classic.
Issue 2 Parting Comments
Reader reviews gave me a little bit more content that never made the
issue 2 presses I am also adding these because this issue like myself is Kinda
Slim.
Supermarket Games: Bag Drive By
This is an enhancement to Bag-Ball; you need a friend to play it. Here
are the rules. You and your friend make multiple bag balls by inflating
vegetable bags and wait towards the front of the store until a car drives by
with some good speed. Next you yell “Drive By” one of you dives to the floor
while the other pops as many bags as possible. Depending on which supermarket
you play in a variety of things may happen. If you do it in Scarsdale most
likely you will get funny looks from snobby rich people. You go to white plains
you may get some laughs, but go down to an urban supermarket and some random
people might join and play with you.
Dog Walk
This is a supermarket game for your dog, and I think the Jetsons
originated this idea. Put you dog on the checkout counter and hold a treat in
front of him, as soon as he starts running towards the end have an employee
turn the mechanism on and let your dog exercise. If you can’t get you dog in
the store put on dark glasses and pretend he is a Seeing Eye dog.