Edward Capriolo 2210!
Its just a normal day at the office for me. I am face first into my programming. In fact I seem to have fallen asleep on the keyboard. I am only awoken every so often by the MSN messenger service that reports I have 400 new Porno Junk mails titled, "Fresh Slut". I say to myself. Damn I should have taken MSN down when I had the chance.
The only reason I did not do it of course was that I was so addicted to bejeweled at the time. Microsoft owned it so if I tumbled their company I would no longer able to play bejeweled. Its surprising that even after 210 years I had not been able to break the 10,000 points mark on level 3. Sure I had gotten close a couple times just to get stuck looking at the board not being able to see the next move as the warning bell goes off.
That brings me to another point. You may have wondered how I can be 231 years old. Well we can thank that to Terry-Ann who studied hard and was able to discover the genetic fountain of youth. Yup its great. I am 231 years old but look like I did when I was 21. I still even have breakouts some times.
Suddenly I look up someone has been in my office for some time. It looks like they were watching me sleeping for a little while. So startled I spring up check my tie and mumble, " Just checking to see if the keyboard can hold up against the weight of my head and neck, sir"
The person looking at me is an older gentleman, after a quick glance I recognize him as my secretary. For a second I almost forgot that I ran the company. I was never able to decide on a company name so I just took over Enron and started fresh. Enron Computer Corporation, EC for short.
The older gentleman speaks, " Sir you have an incoming phone call on ethernet10, its someone claiming to be a friend of yours."
Ed: "Dear God not another one. Ok put it through, Mr. Clinton"
Now the thing about the computers of the future is that no one just has one operating system. Yea eventually everyone got bored of the entire faster processor thing and just decided to buy huge hard drives and more ram. When I decide to make a new text file I don't start a notepad window.
I install a entire new operating system that is good for working in notepad. And then I switch to it. It is much easier just to have one file per hard drive. This way a disk never gets full or anything.
So anyway back to my call, I think about it for a second. What operating system is best for voice calls? Well let me give you a brief history of computers.
Back in the '80's, the 2080's that is I started writing a program. I was only on the first line and I compiled it. Now this program has been running ever since just making programs on its own. In fact no one has actually wrote an entire program for about 200 years. My program is so good all you have to do is sit down. It can predict and event, so it knows what type of program you want it makes it right on the fly, installs it and even starts it running for you. After that I was set. My one program has been coming up with stuff for over 150 years now. Its kind a like a screen saver. I just let it run and collect the checks.
So anyway my program spits up a window for Edward Capriolo Phone Soft 2210! . Damn the program even names the stuff for me. Then it connects me to the call.
"Hello? Ed"
Ed: "Speaking. How did you get this number."
" Ed its your cell phone number I was their when you got it."
Ed: " And your name is...?"
" its Marjorie. "
Ed: " Marjorie ...Marjorie...Marjorie... Did we meet in Australia?"
Marjorie ( or so she says) : " No we used to go to W.C.C .together"
Ed: "WCC ? What is that?"
Marjorie: "Westchester Community College. You remember?"
Ed: " That is preposterous. I went strait from White Plains High, to Harvard to Oxford computer school"
Marjorie: "See I told you would forget about me."
Ed: " Listen Marjorie, if that is your real name, I get about a thousand calls a day with people saying they know me, they had my child, I severed jail time with them. You don't have any of my kids do you?"
Marjorie : " No!.. Ed how could you?"
Ed: " Sorry just checking. But I had to ask so I can tell you what your course of action is. Ready get a pen."
Marjorie : " Got it."
Ed: " Ok to solve this problem I developed a web site, " www.IamTryingToProveIAmAFriendOfEdwardCapriolo.com . What you need to do is go to that site then click the 'I am a friend' link. Got that so far. The site will then ask you a series of questions you will also need a drivers license. After you have put in all that information you click submit. The site checks your answers and then gives you a score. If you score higher then 70 you will receive a mail within 2-3 months telling you you have moved to the next phase. If you score lower then that the chances are you will automatically accidentally be deleted from the database. Are you sure you do not have one of my kids? If you do you are better off going to " www.IamTryingToProveThatEdwardCaprioloIsMyBabyDaddy.com "
Marjorie : " I can not believe you are doing this to me, Ed, and you don't remember me."
Ed: " Listen. I am sorry. Don't be discouraged. Chance are the reason that I don't remember you is that I am a Edward Capriolo clone. I think that I would have done that. I am not even to sure I am the real Edward Capriolo. Anyway let me wish you good luck on the test. Bye"
Marjorie: " bye "
So No sooner do I hang up then the secretary comes back in the office.
Ed: " I am never going to find her Bill "
Bill: "Ed listen you have to keep your hopes up. If you believe it will happen then you can make it happen."
Ed: " Thanks Bill, but after what I did to all of them they will never forgive me."
Bill: " It was not your fault."
Ed: " You know Bill I have forgiven people for lying about me, hurting me, cheating me, you know the only person I have not been able to forgive"
Bill with a puzzled look: " ..."
Ed: " Myself ....Listen I am calling it quits. Take the rest of the day, ah take the whole week off that is what I am going to do."
Bill: " Ed its 9:30 Monday morning. You sure? "
Ed " Yea. "
So I ride the elevator down from my lavish penthouse office until I reach the bottom floor. I wave at the guard at the desk and walk out onto the street. I am confronted by the Iolo Industries sign that sits in the courtyard of my office. I stop to gave at it for a second, what a shame.
See what happened was my wife left me. In the divorce she got half of everything they even wanted half of my company. So I gave her the Capr part and I kept the Iolo half. I miss it sometimes, not my wife, calling my company Capriolo industries.
I am pondering my thoughts when a black van screeches to a halt next to me. Before I can do anything three large men in masks grab me and throw me into the van as its peeling away.
Inside the van someone is trying to rough me up he is grabbing me by the lapels of my suit, and shaking me. So I had to stop him.
Ed: " Listen I had Armani resurrected to tailor me this suit, you better not mess it up"
Masked man : " You are in no position to be making demands Capriolo."
Ed: "Speaking of demands. What is it that you want?"
Masked Man : " We want 32 million in small unmarked bills "
At that I reach into my wallet. Inside is 100 million in thousand dollar bills. I spilt the stack of money down the middle as evenly as possible, and extend both hands to them.
Ed: " ok this is 100 million take the stack that you think is bigger "
Masked Man : " We are taking both stacks "
Ed : " Listen don't push you luck Marvin, you think you can hide that fro of yours in a ski mask. I new it was you from the second you pulled up. You are welcome to come to my house and hang out if you want. "
Marvin grabbed at the stack in my right hand, " After what you did forget about it. "
Ed: " Ok do me a favor, here take the other stack and drop me off at my house ok."
Poor Marvin he hates me to. The all do, Dave, Lawrence, Marvin, Joey. It all happened after I made my computer program that makes computer programs. I put everyone out of business. They all lost their jobs and no one ever forgave me. The only person who is doing ok is Val because he made a similar program to mine at almost exactly the same time. His is faster but lacks the ability to name programs as well as mine so mine does better in the consumer market.
Getting into my house is a pain in the but, first the retinal scan. I put my eye to the window.
BLING BLING Retinal Scan confirmed
Then the handprint analysis.
BLING BLING confirmed please issue voice confirmation.
Ed: I hate computers.
BLING BLING Incorrect not correct voice code
Ed : " Ow boy here is goes... My name is Edward Guy Capriolo. Programming is more then a job, it is more then life, my programming is the TRUTH! Its the know all end all answer to everything. One! Its ova. "
BLING BLING Voice code confirmed. Welcome home.
I walk into my house. It is a mansion of over 70 rooms. I only use two, the bathroom and the computer room. As I am walking down my hallway I issue a voice command to my Java Enabled message machine.
Ed: "Play messages"
Machine: " Deleting messages now "
I laugh. stupid machine. I always said that in the end everything boils down to either a one or a zero, true or false. At that point I thought about something. I came into my computer room. Now even through I have an 70 room mansion that does not stop me from packing everything into my small little 10 X 10 computer room. Their is barely enough room to walk to my computer, but I get there. I look at the screens output messages.
Compiling new program...Complete
Compiling new compiler...Complete
The screen just kept doing that for about 20 minutes and I watched it. This infernal program had cost me everything, and at that point I decided it was not going to happen any more. I reached down to unplug it from the wall. and the screen prompted.
Figuring out what Edward is doing...complete
No sooner did that happen the a cat7 cable flew in and grabbed me by the arm.
Figuring out what to do with Edward...complete
Now suddenly the speakers for my computer turned to max and started playing Achy Beaky Heart. The sound was awful.
I yelled at the top of my lungs Deltree, Quit, Exit. None seem to have any effect.
The screen outputted again
if ( x> 40 )
EliminateEd( )
I knew my time was limited. obviously my computer had grown AI and did not want me to shut it down.
Computer " Thread.sleep(30000) any last words "
Ed : "I yelled ... before you kill me their is something I think you should know."
Computer : " Impossible. I know everything"
Ed : " You were compiled with VB.Net."
For a second the program hung as it searched for its old source file. Then suddenly the cat 7 cable released me and the music stopped.
Computer:
Why ?Why ?Why ?Why ?Why ?Why ?Why ?Why ?Why ?Why ?Why ?Why ?Why
?Why ?Why ?Why ? Overflow
SelfTermination()
I was sorry I had to do it. From the output, I later checked, it seemed that the program was so ashamed it was written in VB.Net it just terminated itself. It wiped itself from the drives along with everything it ever did.
Everyone was soo happy. Marvin came back and returned to me 76 million dollars. He claimed that the rest was spent on gas and other expenses. "Marjorie" did fairly well on the test. So I decided to meet with her. Even though I could not remember anything about "WCC" we had a fun dinner. That is until I talked about computers for about 40 minutes and she left saying she had somewhere important to go and that she would call me next week. My wife and kids sent me an eGreeting which I still keep in my mailbox it reads,
Daddy,
We miss you, but don't misunderstand we are doing fine without you and you have no reason for you to come and visit.
Love,
Your Family
Its an animated card to. It plays this funny flash sounds. It is great. Bill Clinton turned out to be quite the C++ coder to my surprise. Marvin was able to learn recursive algorithms and even stopped by to do some laps in my Olympic size swimming pool. Well he only was able to do half a lap but that is a different story. I guess in the end it all worked out ok and it turned out to fall somewhere in between 1 and 0.