IEddd-TIA 69a Wiring closet specification

Foreword-
This wiring closet specification was produced by the IEDDD-TIA. the 69a spec sheet covers all aspects required to conform to our stringent standards. Wiring closets should conform to these specifications, otherwise its is likely that we will send someone to your house to break you child's' kneecaps.

I. Lighting

You really don't need lights in a wiring closet. After all a flashlight is sufficient. Also lights from your network equipment are all you really need to work anyway. If you must use lighting, specifications state that you should use florescent lights. Now florescent lights have been known to interfere with wire signals in cat 5 copper wire. However a manner similar
to that of twisting two wires we have developed a manner to defeat the florescent light interference. Simply install lights on the ceilings and the floor, this cancels out the interference. It is also advisable to install lights on the walls thus giving you perfect signal. In fact this light twisting amplifies Ethernet energy allowing a signal to be carried over 135 meters.

II. Power supply

Having power supply is essential to networking equipment. In order to keep your wiring closet to specifications you need two wall outlets. One is a 220 line the other is a 110. Obviously you connect all equipment to these two outlets. In order to do this your typically need powerstips. The more stuff you have the more power strips you need. Its is suggested you daisy chain power strips thus multiplying the available outlets. It is essential to have a variety of support wiring closet equipment in the closet. Most of these reside on the 220 line. They include but are not limited to a refrigerator, air conditioner, tv vcr combo and a space heater. It is also possible to equip a mini fridge on the 110 line. These devices are explained in the support equipment section.

III Support equipment
In order to keep the job to spec it is essential to have in the closet a Maytag fridge freezer combo. This can be a side by side model or a top bottom. It should be stocked with the following items
1) Beer
2) Sour cream and salsa barbeque chips

Secondly You need a tv/vcr combo. recent technology has improved suggesting that the minimum in two years will be a
1) 20 inch High definition television
2) DVD player

Additionally temperature control of the room is of the utmost importance. That is where the air conditioner space heater combo comes into play. While monitoring the network and watching HDTV the closet may be uncomfortable for a system admin. As a result he can always turn on one of these two devices. If the space heater is making the switches too hot you have to turn on the ac unit and position it right next to the switch. If that does not help open the refrigerator and freezer door for the ultimate in temperature control. However ensure that if you have equipped your freezer with ice cream that it does not melt.

IV Decorating the room

One of the major reasons for the release of this specification is that we found wiring closets all over the world to be far to bland. I mean come on the raised floors and ceilings are gaudy. 
Specification suggest for flooring

Wool carpet or a shag rug. These rugs are idea because you can easily keep your bare feet warm as opposed to tile flooring. 

Fake walling:
Previous closet specifications have suggesting hiding contraband and weapons in the vents of the room. Unfortunately government officials caught wind of the old specifications and as a result it must be changed. We found the network admin responsible for the "packet leak" and set his "ttl to 0" so we can be sure that the next specification will be reasonably safe for some time. Installing fake walling is a great way to hide objects from a small baggy all the way to a human sized object. In order to install fake walling you are going to have to come in the middle of the night after everyone has already left work.
You will need this equipment

room length in feet / 3 2X4
sheet rock
sheet rock nails
putty knife
spakling
hammer
paint
paint brush
saw
joint tape

Shut the door whose specifications are mentioned herein. Construct the wall about 2 feet from the previous wall. Any more and you may risk someone realizing the room is smaller then it was yesterday. now your fake walling is up to spec. 2X4 should be places every 3 feet. Sheet rock should be placed on the 2x4 and nailed every 6 inches on the 2x4. Use joint compound and tape to over the nail holes. Paint it. and turn on the air conditioner mentioned in section III of this specification.

Pictures:

since the last wiring specification little has changed we still suggest life side cardboard cutouts of Brittany Spears. It is also acceptable to hang sports posters and other such memorabilia.

Furniture:

Not all wiring closets can support a wide range of furniture. As a result you may have to sleep in some other room perhaps the MDF however if your closet can support a lazy boy this is typically your best bet. It is good for sleeping and for watching football.


V. Overall room security
It is critical in any wire closet to provide security. For security purposes you should have a lock on the door. Two people should have the key. One is the network administrator, the other is for the janitor. If they are both the same person only one copy of the key is required.

Network administrators require access to the closet at all times while janitors are obviously storing cleaning supplies in the room and need access to the room to get their mop.

The door on the closet should be a heavy metal preferably iron and should weight approximately 50 pounds. It should have a peep hole .The door should be spring loaded with a spring that has a spring constant of at least f=7x. There should also be a hook to secure the door to the wall so it can remain open. 

This is great for security. First off it takes at least two people to open the door meaning that one rouge employee can not come into your wiring closet and take down your network. Of course the door can be used offensively as well. If you are in the wiring closet one night and you hear footsteps hide behind it. Look through the peephole and when the intruder enters the doorway, unhook the door. With a spring constant of 7x and a 50 pound door. Your intruder will be hit with well over 50lbds* 7 *PI pounds of force. Ouch.

VI Documenting your job

As you know documentation is of the utmost importance. Also not documenting some things is of the utmost importance. Some cheap people in the budgeting department can not see the rational for things like potato chips and lazy boys as a result we have supplied these things with fancy names that will confuse dump people you have to hand the bills to and make you sound like a great system admin.

Here is a list of equipment and its suggested aliases

Refrigerator- Layer 3 campus backbone 220 omni switch router with self cooling capability
DVD player- KVM switch 
HDTV- Scan Sync monitor with integrated TV in capability
Beer- RJ Colt 45 connectors
BBQ chips- Cat 6 network F.A.T. saturator
Lazy boy- Executive network administration chair

2X4- two by four load distributor
hammer- punch down tool
sheet rock- Network troubleshooting record sheet
joint tape- Backup Tape
putty knife- Wire cutting knife

Now remember you don't want unauthorized personal to enter your wiring closet switch is why the locking is critical. In addition you do not want to document it at all. It is best to hide it in an out of the way place, typically in a basement. Remember whenever you are going to it say you are going to "Trace possible loss of signal on a backbone wire" this is ambiguous enough to let you go anywhere in the building practically but sounds very important so no one will ask for you. Look towards the end of the specification for other "jobs" you can be doing.

VII Sexual harassment
Unfortunately every specification now adays has to be politically correct. We can no longer refer to RJ 45 as male, female connectors. This is just lame. Its is now required that you call it the "part that is snapped in" and the "thingy that it is snapped into". The only note we have on this is that you must ensure that "the part that is snapped in" must be securely fastened to a patch panel where the "thingy that is snapped into" goes. This goes for power cords and serial cables as well. 

If you happen to call it a female connector you will possibly be fired. Also a gay rights networking group has also suggested that a transceiver should be described in this manner, "it has a male giving and a male taking end". This is a difficult situation because I have lost three jobs trying to explain how to connect wires to interns. All I can do is say to hide in the closet for as much as the day as you can. Otherwise be too busy to talk to anyone.

VII What to do in the case of job loss

If you have lost your job well that unfortunate for you. It is also unfortunate for the company. That is because you were smart enough to install things that if you were fired that will stop working. Yes unfortunately only you had the router configuration files. The ones on the router were only in running memory. When those routers get accidentally reset they are not going to have a configuration. Additionally the firewall might accidentally stop protecting a mail relay server two weeks after you send it an email with the subject "The mets our good. They are RELAY ON top" a simple typo right <g>. I mean it could happen you accidentally uploading the password file to napster. Let me not say anything more on this I think you get the picture.jpg.vbs .

VII Typical jobs that let you vanish for a day if not weeks

" Trace possible loss of signal on a backbone wire"
" Ensure connectivity between two VlANS."
" Cheking the demarcation in the wan connection"
" Fixing a NOS problem with a printer and failed SAP advertisements"
" Checking intranet wiring, ensuring it does not enter a shared hub to the cloud"
" checking a suspicious anon request that occurred somewhere in an unused subnet"

Conclusion

We hope this new wiring specification becomes as vital as the previous versions. In addition we have covered major topics critical to the running of a successful network.