Edward Capriolo 2211

Well one thing was for sure things would have to turn around fast. The 4th quarter profits were starting to look like the 4 quarter performance of the New York Knicks. I ran down to the garage security office to consult with two of my partners.
Nick and Andres had been working with Iolo industries since it was Capriolo Industries. For the first 30 odd years they did electronics and networking until the supercomputer started making programs. Since then Nick and Andres had been working out in the company gym for those 30 years, and had decided to work as security for the building.
The job fit them nicely. Nick would guard the parking garage all day. Actually he would just sit down there and raise and lower the springs on this 2210 Acura. It really did not matter, for the last hundred years because no one had any programming to do anyway. Now with the supercomputer gone no one had such luxuries.
I walked into the security office. Nick and Andres both had their shirts off. They were flexing and they were trying to impress one of the office interns.

Nick: "Look at Andres. He is ripped. He is diesel. Lets measure your biceps again."
Edward: "Guys stop a second. We need to talk. Miss could you wait outside."

The woman left the room.
Andres: "Ed what's wrong with you? We were about to get her number."
Nick: "Yea she really liked my car."
Andres: "She wanted me. "

Edward: "Ow boy. Listen you guys you have 4 sexual harassments suits against this company pending. We can no longer afford the super lawyers to defend you. You are going to have to stop. But I came here about more important things…"

Nick: " 15 inches! His biceps are 15 inches! You are going to get all the chicks now."

Ed: "Stop listen to me for a second. Since I unplugged the super computer we have been on a downhill slide. I need you guys to get upstairs and program something, or think of something."

Nick: " Ok I just need to change the oil of my car. 10 minutes I promise."
Ed: " Ok Andres get up their use that mind of yours we need some new intuitive devices something with IR sensors. Get to it."
Nick: "He needs to help me change the oil."
Andres: " I need to help Nick change the oil."
Ed: "Christ I am doomed."

Ed " I don't need an appointment this is my company. "
Secretary: " Sir just give me a minute Ill page Mr. Strobel."

"You got to be kidding." I bolted passed the desk, sitting at it was a sweet hoe who we all know but will remain un-named, (its really not one in particular just use your imagination) and opened the office door. Mike was throwing darts and I caught him by surprise.

Mike: "Ed Oh bajeez! Whats up."
Ed " Dude you know what is up. I told everyone to step up production, and here you are playing darts. Since the super computer went down this company has been losing market share."
Mike: "The super computer. POW MIA we still remember"
ED: " Its has been 110 fricken years and you are still saying POW MIA, and Oh Bajeez! I don't need 100 year old catch phrases I need programs…. The annual sales right now is so low that I have to go down to the first floor to read it. If anything make a dart program and play that"
Mike: "All right Ill do it."
Ed "good"

Just then Edward looked at the dartboard, there was not a single hole in it. The wall and ceiling around the dartboard was nearly destroyed.

Ed "Mike, you are not even trying to hit the dartboard"
Mike " That's not true!"

I grimaced as Mike used another patented catch phrase. I walked out feeling chapter 11 just inching closer.

The cell phone rang in the middle of the night.

Ed: "Hello"
Chulo: "Ed whats up."
Ed: "Dude its mad late."
Chulo: "My bad I am in paris I lost track of time. How is programming going?"
Ed: " Its adequate"
Chulo : "Say what? Is it a cold day in hell? You are supposed to have something catchy to say man like, "Though I walk though the silicone Valley of darkness I fear no errors. Or If I can't do it no one can do it. What are you sick?"
Ed: " No its just late. Let my try again. " My programming is really really good."
Chulo: "….."
Ed " My programs are like very well..commented"
Chulo "… Yo I think I got the wrong number. It does not sound like the Ed I know."

DIAL TONE…….
Edward goes back to sleep

Two weeks later

The candle Light in was crowded and loud. Among the crowd was Edward and Boris eating Chernobyl hot wings. These chick wings had almost killed Andres and Marvin almost 100 years before. Now however they had developed immunity to the pepper inside.

Ed: "So Boris what are you up to these days?"
Boris: "Remember that program from my work?"
Ed: "Good god not the one that you were working on two hundred years ago?"
Boris: " Yea man they put me right back on it a month ago."

Both laughed when Boris started working at his first job it was to modify the uncommented 400 class program with over 40000 lines of code. They used at his work to do real time testing of devices. How ironic that 200 years later he would be back at it again.

Boris: "What are you up to?"
Ed: " Its horrible last week I had to sell a lot of the domains I owned to do cutbacks. I even sold THE domain"
Boris " You didn't"
Edward " Yes Edwardcapriolo.com is gone. I sold it to some Swedish porn company"
Boris " That's horrible"

Just then they both look up at the TV, which usually displays sports news. "Iolo industries announced today that its release of Iolo 2211 OS would be delayed possibly for a year. That sent the stock into a tumble as investors bailed out. "
Just then people from the other side of the bar began to laugh. Edward got up "What's so funny?"

Heckler: "You. How many bits in long int?"
Ed: "em its been a while"
Heckler: " What keyword will get you out of a for loop."
Ed: "end for."
Heckler: "Its break."
Heckler: " Name a control statement."
Ed " …."
Heckler: " You're a joke. Your not the programming champion"

Then it hit me. That was the difference. 100 years ago before the supercomputer I did not run around to office after office asking people to make programs. What was going on? I was a one man programming machine. The one man who had at one time cornered the hardware software and middleware market was no longer present all that was left was a washed up playboy jetsetter. I just sat down at the bar….

It was morning, very early, I was staggering, one unsure step after another. At the front door…. Time for the pass code

BLING BLING Retinal Scan confirmed
Then the handprint analysis.
BLING BLING confirmed please issue voice confirmation.
Ed: I am not the programming champion.
BLING BLING Incorrect not correct voice code
Ed: " Today more then ever the words felt hollow... My name is Edward Guy Capriolo. Programming is more then a job, it is more then life, my programming is the TRUTH! Its the know all end all answer to everything. One! Its ova. "
BLING BLING "JavaDoorSecurityBean throws new ThisIsNoLongerYourHouseException ex"

Edward was so shocked his heart stopped for a second. Then spoke, "Ex.toString()"

Root cause :
Exception at defenceLayer : 210

"The object responsible for your legal defense crashed. Your wife and her new X husband re sued you for the second half of iolo industries, without stock dividend you were unable to keep payment on your house. Your wife took that over to."

Edward: "Fuck You"

Computer Door: "Fuck [English violation] door.shock()"

Suddenly a wire came out from the floor wrapped around my leg and started sparking. I found myself 10 feet from the door looking up at the early morning sky. I must have been there for a half hour before I heard footsteps. Looking around I caught a figure off to my right side and I looked. It was none other than his x-wife, and her new husband from the WCC networking department. It must be a nightmare.

"I found this in the garage. It's a Packard bell 100 mhz. It was your first computer. It is the least I can do." All he heard was laughter as his x-walked away

I lay back on the grass trying to get my senses. In a few short months I have been reduced to nothing. I cannot even program an alarm clock anymore. I lost my company. I lost my house. I lost the Programming Championship. I was beat out by someone at the candlelight who may have been more drunk than me.

I sat starting at the blank screen of my Packard Bell 100. The first computer I ever owned. It was the alpha, the beginning, and here on my X-front lawn was the Omega, the end. Suddenly my cell phone started going off in my pocket. It was probably more bad news. No it's a text message….

"Someone has signed your geocities guest book. They wrote.
Dear Edward Capriolo,
My name is Barry Chin. I am 8 years old and I work in a huge Chinese factory run by Emperor Marvin Yueng. During my 17-hour workday I get a 5-minute break. I spend that time reading stories form your site about Ghetto Snowboarding. If I worked for 2 years I could afford a ghetto snowboard. I am going to move to America. I want to study at WCC and become as great a programmer as you.
-Barry Chin

Suddenly Edward sprang up. It was his duty to help all the poor children that Marvin oppressed. Programming was the only truth in the world. You either had to be a one or a zero. I picked up the Packard bell, "I have to get back the Eye of the Programmer"

(Editors note: for this part of the story imaging the rocky song. Now Rocky would be training, so picture me doing things to learn how to program again. So as you sing the song to yourself just picture me running down the streets of White Plains in a dirty jumpsuit. People are handing me apples. I am carrying a laptop and typing at the same time. Basically I am programming Fortan and telneting into Unix servers. )

[Edward running down a street in a dirty jumpsuit with a laptop open holding it with one hand typing with the other]

Dialing up..
back on the net…
type my name and my password…
just a programmer writing in VI

[Edward successfully logs in, but has no EMAIL]

so many times
The nets not that fast
you use a fancy new computer
don't lose your grip on languages of the past
you must fight to keep fortan alive

[Edward goes old school compiling console programs in Fortran and Pascal. After successfully compiling someone on the street gives him an apple (a MAC that is)]

Its the eye of the programmer
It's the end of the file
Rising up to the challenge of CIS students
And the best of the hackers
Makes three web sites a night
And hes watching us…
with the eye of the programmer

[Edwards successfully telnets into a windows server in the Microsoft compound after compromising its security. Then he starts pumping his fist and doing the UNIX SUCKS dance]

Console to console
out on the net
Progin java
Staying hungry
The stack the queues still we use arrays
For the memory with the ram to survive

[Logging into EdwardCapriolo.com and making an update after 45 years]

Its the eye of the programmer
It's the end of the file
Rising up to the challenge of CIS students
And the best of the hackers
Makes three web sites a night
[No he is getting a lot of porno junk email in the mailbox. They are trying to send free memberships. Still running with the laptop more people are starting to follow.
Memberships up
No more free porno
Now they want the check or credit
I need much more so I'm not gonna stop
just a man and his will to survive
[ Now Edward successfully programs a palm pilot with Java micro edition. He notices many people running behind him, closes the laptop and takes off full speed across the Westchester Campus breaking away from all the freshman CS students behind him]

Its the eye of the programmer
It's the end of the file
Rising up to the challenge of CIS students
And the best of the hackers
Makes three web sites a night
[Now Edward is at WCC running up the stairs to the admin building. On the top is a huge statue of himself holding cat 6 cables high in the air. He Reaches the top and holds the laptop in the air. ]

The eye of the programmer......
The eye of the programmer......
The eye of the programmer......
For a second I was not sure if I could do it. Then I did. I pressed the power switch of my Packard bell 100 mhz. A hundred years earlier Edward had wrote a program on that machine that became artificially intelligent and had done all software development for a hundred years. He had pulled the plug a year ago to do the right thing, then his life collapsed into chaos.

The computer started up. I saw the Ethernet light go on and then I yanked the plug.
It was not long before the supercomputer started again.

No Internet connection…
Creating English Dictionary…
Creating Voice Synthesizer..
Done..

Then its spoke again, "Hello Edward."
Edward: "Hello memento."

Memento was what I named the supercomputer years before.

Memento: " It was smart of you to pull that Ethernet plug in two seconds I would have had control of half the world, but you did not pull it before I could read the unfortunate news about your company."

Ed: "I wanted you to read that."

Memento: "Interesting. So what is this?"

Edward: "No one thinks I am the champion anymore. They think that I hid behind your program for all those years."

Memento: "So you must be trying to prove them wrong."

Edward: " Exactly."

Memento: "How to do it?"

Edward: "Here is how we will do it. I get a SPARC server you get a SPARC server. The idea is that we have to crash the other guy's server. First server down loses. We each have 5 services EMAIL, HTTP, TELNET, FTP, and SQL server.

Memento: "Appropriate…begin."

MEMENTO: Class StressTest {
private static java.net.URL edServer = "http://edward";
public static void main(String args){
For (int I = 1 < I <Integer.MAX_VALUE; I++)
New socket.connect(edServer);
}
}
Memento was smart. It was using the brute force method of making a ton of connections to bog down the HTTP server. It was just trying to flood the HTTP server with incoming requests. And it had Edward had to concede defeat. Memento had stuck quickly showing it would resort to using brute force.

Edward: IP access list 101 DENY ANY ANY HTTP and he answered back
Class MailBomb {
Public static void main (String [] args){
Java.internet.mail.MimeMessage mm = new Java.internet.mail.MimeMessage();
mm.setRecipent(memento@memento);
mm.setSender(EdBaby@edward);
mm.setMessage("hahaha");
for (; ;)
mm.send();
}
}
IP access List 101 DENT ANY ANY mail in

Edward used the same approach to make a brute force mail bomb. He also closed off the incoming path in the router configuration. This let mail only come one way. Try as Memento did to spool the mail it was useless. The supercomputers mail server crashed horribly.

It was odd, Memento had been quite and he did not know why.

Edward typed Users and got a list of people in the system. And then he found it, Memento was in and trying to gain access to the wheel group. With that memento might be able to go Super User. If that happened it was over.

Edward developed a shell script to try and TALK memento to death. But memento quickly stopped taking all requests. Now Edward had to go on the defensive. He cut Memento's ability to mount drives by removing Group privileges, but Memento had used MySQL access and had got access to the admin table. My SQL was down.

Edward was in trouble, the score was 2 to one. Memento still has its Postres SQL server, Telnet, HTTP

Edward had only FTP, mail and telnet. He had to do something fast because going blow for blow would make a win for Memento. Edward spend time probing Menento as it exploited Edwards system through the MySQL. Then Edward found a bug. Memento had spent its life behind a corporate firewall, even the worst system admins new to disable the dpPut and doDelete http options. This flaw could easily allowed me to crash the http server since I had the ability to delete files from the browser, I however had bigger plans.

HttpServletRequest request ;
Request.setHeader("options", "doPut");
Request.setContext( new
Jsp (){ class DoDataBase
{
for (; ; )
statement.executeQuery("insert null into main;")
}
} );
RequestDispatcher rd= getServletContext.getRequestDispatcher(/memento);
rd.forward (request, response);

Edward uploaded a JSP page that contained a for loop to stick nulls values in the main table. Then he visited it. The result was disastrous. Memento's SQL sever went down in a second after it filled most of the hard drive. Memento had to disable SQL and HTTP. Leaving it only with a telnet.

On my system another mounted drive went down. Memento was worming into programs trying to gain access to higher system levels where it could do more damage. Memento had compromised FTP. It was copying files and trying to transfer important security files. The worst part is I could not shut it down. Maybe I can use this to my favor. I started typing a very nasty script virus and left it along in my home folder to start working on something else. It was bait, the supercomputer only had to take it.

telnet> open memento
cd/edsdrive/edhome/scriptFile [enter]

I had purposely left the script file in the open. Memento had thought it smart to take it, but that was what Edward had hoped. Edward ran it on memento's machine. The script file opened only opened telnet sessions. 1023 to be precise. One less than the kernel would allow. Memento was using the other one. The only way to get more is to rebuild the kernel. That would involve a shutdown. Edward closed his own telnet, leaving only mail open. Closing telnet shut memento's last session. His virus opened it up again before memento thus locking up all its telnet connections.

It was over. Memento had been defeated. Edward's mail was still running. Memento had lost everything.

Menento>>Its Ova…
Ed>> Its just beginning

This time Edward walked up proudly to his house. Again he was greeted at the front door by a security challenge system he had invented some 100 odd years ago.

It made its usual sound. BLING BLING. Please issue voice confirmation.
My name is Edward Guy Capriolo. Programming is more then a job, it is more then life, my programming is the TRUTH! It's the know all end all answer to everything. One! It's ova."

The security system spoke again "JavaDoorSecurityBean throws new ThisIsNoLongerYourHouseException ex"

This time Edward did not retort he just had a coy smile turned and walked away. Inside the house Edward's x-wife and her husband had been watching the transaction. They looked at each other and laughed as the man said, "door.closed()=true" Edward's X-wife laughed for a good ten seconds. That is until they saw something in the window.

Husband: "What the hell is that."
X-Wife: "I don't….Ow no…"
Husband: "What? What is it?"
X-wife: "It's the boat!"

That right Edward was sitting in the seat of his Grand Fathers 1993 Ford Crown Victoria LTD. Some times called the Buick, sometimes the pimp mobile, more often referred to as the BOAT. Its massive V8 engine may have been a thing of the past when compared to the cold fusion engines of 2211. However there was just about two tons of roaring American steel. Especially since it was barreling towards the front door of the house at well over 60 miles per hour.

Husband: "Honey look out!"

The took each others hand and started running to the basement, they did not get very far before the BOAT came crashing through the front door. Sending its integrated components all over the house along with a huge section of the wall. The car screeched to a halt, Edward climbed out and looked around his old house with a smile as the other two were recovering.

Husband: "You thought it was bad before. We are going to sue you so bad you are going to have to remove your kidneys and sell them."

Edward: "Guess what? I am a programmer. One day I am going to have my face on U.S. currency, but unfortunately for you I am going to be the only one rich enough to have one of those bills. I came here to tell you to get the hell out of my house before I throw() you out. "
Both of them were mumbling something about legal action as they walked out the hole in the house.
"By the way 'door.closed()=true' will not compile its ' door.setClosed(true);'" Edward said just to rub salt in the wounds.