RedNeck
& HillBilly
Jokes
*please inform me of any copyright violation and it will be removed
How to tell if you might be
a "high tech redneck"
1)If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com"
2)If you connect to the World Wide Web via a
"Down Home Page"
3)If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My
other computer is a laptop"
4)If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected
by Smith and Wesson"
5)If you've ever doubled the value of your truck
by installing a cellular phone.
6)If your baseball cap read "AOL Sucks!" instead
of "CAT"
7)If your computer is worth more than all your
cars combined
8)If your wife said "either she or the computer
had to go", and you still don't miss her
9)If you've ever used an AOL CD-ROM as a coaster
to set your beer on
10)If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole
Bessy" or "Darlin"
11)If your screen saver is a bitmap image of
your favorite truck, tractor, or porno star
12)If you start all your e-mails with the words
"Howdy ya’ll" or "Hey Bubba"
Redneck Computer Lingo "Hard drive" -- Trying
to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load
of fertilizer.
"Keyboard" ----- Place to hang your truck keys.
"Window" ------ Place in the truck to hang your
guns.
"Floppy" ------ -When you run out of Polygrip.
"Modem" ------ How you got rid of your dandelions.
"ROM" ---------Delicious when you mix it with
coca cola.
"Byte" --------- First word in a kiss-off phrase.
"Reboot" ------ What you do when the first pair
gets covered with barnyard stuff.
"Network" -----Activity meant to provide bait
for your trot line.
"Mouse" ------- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in
your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
"LAN" ---------To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert!
LAN me yer truck."
"Cursor" -------What some guys do when they are
mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
"bit" ----------- A wager as in, "I bit you can't
spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways." "digital control"
-What Yer fingers do on the TV remote.
"packet" ------- What you do to a suitcase or
Wal-Mart bag before a trip.
A Starfleet Captain Might be
considered a Redneck if................
1) - your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for
over a month
2)- he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the
warp nacelles
3) - you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"
4)- he refers to any intelligent alien race as
"critters"
5)- he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"
6)- he has the sensor array repaired with a bent
coathanger and aluminum foil
7) - he installs a set of bullhorns on the front
of the saucer section
8) - he says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead
of "open hailing frequencies"
9) - he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen
10)- he rewires his communicator into his belt
buckle
11)- he keeps a six-pack under his command chair
and a gun rack above it
12)- he says "Yea Haw! Let’s get this puppy movin!!!"
instead of "Engage"
13)- he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser
14) - he insists on calling his executive officer
"Bubba"
15) - he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of
"Bassmaster"
16)- he programs the food replicator for beer,
ribs, and turnip greens
17)- he paints the starship John Deere green
with racing stripes
18) - he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light
Special"
19)- he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"
20) - his moonshine is stronger than Romulan
Ale
21) - he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"
22) - his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib
overalls
23) - he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge
24) - his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol'
XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies
25) - he sets phaser to "Cajun"
26) - he has ordered the Chief Engineer to dig
out the jumper cables
27) - the warp reactor is coated in duct tape
,Bond-O, and Super-Glu
28) - he orders the Sickbay to carry castor oil
and turpentine
29) - he lights his cigarettes with his laser
pistol
30) - he keeps livestock in the cargo bay
31) - he refers to the Kobiyashi Maru test as
"the best target practice I ever had."
32) - he orders the ship into timewarp so he
can have another go at the "Tuesday Night All-You-Can-Eat Ribs" buffet
33) - the ship, all the shuttlecraft, and the
ship's mascot are all named after his favorite movie actresses
Your Jedi Knight Might Be a
Redneck If...
(1) - if he uses his lightsaber to cut the bottlecap
off a beer
(2) - if he says "these are not the beers you're
looking for"
(3) - if that "Disturbance in the Force" was
just last night's baked beans and spare ribs
(4) - if the inside of the house looks more like
Dagobah than the outside
(5) - if he calls his young apprentice, "Juner.(JR.)"
(6) - if he ever uses telekinesis to pull his
jeans up
(7) - if the Force isn't the only thing that
runs in the family
(8) - if he calls Hank Williams Jr."master"
(9) - if his landspeeder has a gun rack
(10) - if he meditiates to old CCR records
(11) - if he calls Yoda his Li'l green buddy.
(12) - if he has ever said, "Anger... fear...aggression...
Yankees... the dark side are they."
(13) - if his X-Wing has a still in it
(14) - if his lightsaber has a beer can crusher
in the base
(15) - if there is more oil in his robes than
in his astromech droid
(16) - if his robes have the Golden Flour label
on them
(17) - if he trim his beard and finds a Mynock
(18) - if he has ever used a lightsaber to light
the barbecue grill
(19) - if he uses Jawas for a drink holder
(20) - if he fights with a lightsaber in one
hand and a spit cup in the other
(21) - if he uses a Jedi mind trick to stop the
beer truck
(22) - if he uses his Jedi healing powers to
clear up his VD
(23) - if he thinks the best use of your light
saber is picking his teeth
(24) - if he ever lost a hand during a light-saber
fight because he had to spit.
(25) - if his Jedi robe is Camouflage colored
(26) - if at least one wing of his X-Wing is
primer colored
(27) - if he can easily describe the taste of
an Ewok
(28) - if he can find no grammatical errors in
the way Yoda talks
(29) - if he think that Stormtroopers are just
KKK members with really good sheets
(30) - if he has ever used the force in conjunction
with fishing/bowling
(31) - if his father ever said to him, "Shoot,
son, come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
(32) - if he's ever had his R-2 unit use its
arc welding torch to get the barbecue grill to light
(33) - if he jump-starts his lightsaber off a
car battery
(34) - if he beat the Gamorrean Guard in an "Ugly"
contest
(35) - if his father's name is Garth Vader
(36) - if he got his lightsaber by sending in
750 Skoal Lids
(37) - if he’s ever beaten up Han Solo for lookin
at his sister
(38) - if he constantly mistakes R2 units for
beer kegs
(39) - if he counts B. O. as a Jedi power
(40) - if he's ever used a light saber to skin
a deer
This page hosted by
Get your own Free Homepage