sex

Anatomy and Sex Jokes *note that I do try to keep them clean

The Burn Repair

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face
was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't
graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband
offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable
would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that
they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that
the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate
matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the
woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!
All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful
beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with
emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for
everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks
Ineed every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Dieting A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor
has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an
advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed like
heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do. He
calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss
program.The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he
answers,there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe
dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her
neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well,
without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't). A
few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his
way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time
and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company does
business.
For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens
each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he has
lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender
physique, not to mention the method of treatment,he calls the company
back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks
that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is
intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time.
As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he
answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a
pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply
stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces
herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He's out the door
like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch
her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is
wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the
next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the
same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he
weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. I love
this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew losing weight could be
so easy and so much fun.
Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and
subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are you
sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most
rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program.
I haven't felt this good in years! The next day there comes a
knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There
stands Richard Simmons wearing nothing but
pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads "If I catch you,
I can have you!"

Q) What do you get when you cross "Viagra" with "Rogaine"?

A) DON KING!

The Frige An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend, for your age your in the best shape I've seen."
The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why,I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life."
The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?"
The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."
The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?"
"Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."
Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
"He what?" she cried.
"He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
"Aha!!!" she exclaimed. "So he's the one who's been peeing in the refrigerator!

HOW OLD AM I (PG13) ------------------------------------ A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29". "I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds."

The Genie

A man found a lamp and rubbed it, and surprise surprise, a genie popped out and told him he could have one wish. The man asked, "What happeded to three wishes?" The genie sighed and said, "Look, you've been watching too much TV, I only grant one wish and I can turn one down if it's too hard." The man replied, "OK, I can live with that. My wish: I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm too afraid to fly and hate boats, so I want you to build me a highway to Hawaii from California so I can drive." The Genie responded, "Are you crazy? It would take millions of workers, billions of dollars, zillions of tons of concrete, and years to build a bridge like that! Goddammit man, that's next to impossible! Pick another wish!" The man was disappointed, but had another wish. "Allright, then for my wish, I would like to be able to really understand women, get along good with them, make them happy and learn how to keep them faithful to me." The genie looked at him real strange, silent for a moment, then replied: "Did you want that bridge to be 2 lanes or 4?"

Ol'Ethel

Ol' Ethel... Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman is a sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her, and some actually join in! One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and a resident stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?". Ethel fished around in her handbag on her lap and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper which she held up to him. "OK" he said and she went on her way. After taking the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, another man stepped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got a valid tax decal for your vehicle, Madam?". Ethel dug into her handbag again and pulled out a beer-mat which she held up to him and he allowed her to carry on. Going down the final corridor before the front door, a third resident stepped out in front of her. This one was stark naked and was holding a sizable erection in his hand..."Oh no," said Ethel, "...not the breathalyzer again!"

The Chicken

One day this guy strolls into a bar and strolls up to the bartender and says to him, "My friend told me that I can find some prime entertainment here for pretty cheap. Would you know anything about that?" "Sure, " says the bartender, "How much are you willing to spend?" "I'm kind of broke this week, but I've got twenty dollars," the guy says. "I'll tell you what leave your twenty dollars on the bar, go down that hall there and take the first door on your right," the bartender tells the man with a smile. So the man leaves his money on the counter and walks down the hall and goes into the room. The room is empty except for a bed and a small dresser. The man takes off his clothes and waits on the bed. After a little while a small panel opens up on one side of the room and a chicken runs out and starts running around the room. The guy just sits there thinking that this wasn't what he had in mind, but that it would have to do. So the guy jumps up catches the chicken and starts to screw it. When he is done he dresses himself and leaves the bar. The guy comes back to the bar the next week and goes up the bartender again and says, "This week I brought some more money, but I want something better if you know what I mean. I'll pay for the best entertainment that you've got." The bartender tells the guy to leave $80 on the counter and to go upstairs down the hall and to take the first door on the right. So the man does and when he opens the door to the room there is a circle of chairs around a bare floor. All the seats are filled except for one seat which the man decides to take. After a while the floor opens up in the center of the circle of chairs and there are two lesbians going at down in the room below. The women are rubbing and prodding and caressing each other and all the guys in the room get really turned on and watch the whole thing until the lesbians are done. Then the floor closes back up and people start to get up to leave. The man says to one of the other guys as they are leaving, "Man that was really something. That's what I call entertainment." "No", says the guy back, "you should have been here last week, some guy was screwing a chicken."

CONFUSCIUS SAY

1. Woman who goes to man’s apartment for snack, gets titbit.
2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
4. Man who kisses girl’s behind, gets crack in face.
5. Passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
6. Man with holes in pants pockets, feels cocky all day.
7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
8. Virginity like balloon, one prick, all gone.
9. Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
11. Baseball all wrong, man with four balls can’t walk.
12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
14. Man with penis in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.
15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
18. When lady say no, she mean maybe,When lady say maybe, she mean yes, When lady say yes, she no lady!

Confuscius also say: Man who go to bed with question of sex on mind wake up with solution in hand

The Ceremony A young brave was being inducted through his manhood ceremony to join the warriors of the tribe. He was faced with 3 tents. In the first one was a gallon of plum wine, which he had to drink in one go. In the second was a mountain lion with toothache, he had to remove the painful tooth. In the third was a woman who had never had an orgasm, etc, etc. He entered the first tent, and after a while staggered out, very drunk, holding the empty wine skin. The warriors all applauded. He staggered into the second tent with the tribe all holding their breath. There were terrible screams and growls, which got worse and worse as time went on, culminating in such a loud shriek that the tribe were all convinced he must be dead. But finally he staggered out, bruised and bleeding, and said, "Now take me to the woman with a toothache..."

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