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Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clows because they taste funny?
When a smurf chokes, what color does he turn?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
What is the speed of dark?
Why are there braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
Is it okay for a vegetarian to eat animal crackers?
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Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot
Cover me, I'm changing lanes
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control
Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
He who laughs last thinks slowest
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once
I love cats...they taste just like chicken
Out of my mind. Be back in five minutes
Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons
Born free...Taxed to death
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot
Rehab is for quitters
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician
If you don't like the news, go out and make some
When you do a good deed, get a receipt - in case heaven is like the IRS
I took an IQ test and the results were negative
Where there's a will, I want to be in it
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW
Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunatley it kills all its students
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory
Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
How can I miss you if you don't go away?
Give me ambiguity or give me something else
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy
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Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching
A room temperature IQ
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on
A prime candidate for natural deselection
Bright as Alaska in December
During evolution his ancestors were in the control group
Fell out of the family tree
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it
He's so dense, light bends around him
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean
It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled
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