Last updated 16 August 1998

Hi! Welcome to the TOO MUCH DIABLO LIST! Please enjoy the entries and do send in your own original contributions. The emphasis here is on quality rather than quantity, though having both would be nice. :)

NEW POLL Vote for your favourite TOO MUCH DIABLO LIST entries! Tell me the entry numbers of your personal top ten, and once I've received enough responses, I'll start a chart showing the most popular entries, which will then be updated regularly. Join the poll now!

Please send all comments and contributions to Midnight at twelve_am@geocities.com.

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You know you are playing too much Diablo when...

1. You see something you want and ask the owner if you could dupe it.

2. You wonder how much of the defence budget goes to stocking up on Scrolls of Resurrect.

3. You start referring to murderers as "PK's".

4. The phrase "Go to Hell" no longer seems particularly offensive.

5. You feel a strange sense of apprehension when you visit the butcher at the market.

6. You start to develop a liking for drinks that are coloured red, blue and especially golden.

7. You tell your friends to switch to "player friendly" mode when they accidentally hit you.

8. You instinctively reach for a Scroll of Identify when you find a ring in the streets.

9. You wish you knew the Town Portal spell so that you can get home quickly from work/school.

10. You start visualising a certain spell whenever you hear Internet techies talk about firewalls.

11. You have collected a legit sample of every single item in the game.

12. ... and know all their stats by heart.

13. You wonder how much longer that Stone Curse spell will last each time you pass by a statue.

14. You start calling your doctor Pepin.

15. You develop a habit of twirling objects in the air as you drop them.

16. You drink lots of glasses of orange juice in the hope of increasing your magic proficiency.

17. You are unable to speak in public without using a corny Scottish accent.

18. You start kicking the cat to gain experience points.

19. A level 50 cheater tries to kill your legit character and fails.

20. You insist that it was just a duel when you kill another Diablo fanatic and get arrested.

21. You answer the phone by saying, "Hullo! What can I do for ya?"

22. You say to yourself, "Church will never be the same again...."

23. You wonder how much a school textbook raises your spell level by.

24. While surrounded by people at a crowded party, you find yourself instinctivlely heading for a doorway so you can deal with people one at a time.

25. You refuse to fix a broken appliance yourself as it will lower the total durability.

26. After a hard day of work/school you wonder how many experience points you've gained and where you should distribute your points.

27. You go by your Diablo name.

28. You extract one of the game background music files from DIABDAT.MPQ and configure your system to play it each time you start up.

29. You ask a mechanic if you could see his premium items.

30. "Exocet" becomes your font of choice.

31. You look for big black musrooms when you are at the market.

32. You wonder if there are any Steel Lords around when you reach the 13th floor.

33. You try to convince the NYPD that the Arch-Bishop of New York City is really an evil devil-worshipper, and that he is going to sacrifice the mayor's son to the devil.

34. You think the neatest thing you have learned in the last 6 months is how to dupe.

35. You start walking like your Diablo character.

36. Every time you see a fountain, you look for an old guy in a robe.

37. You are kicked out of a museum for trying to hit the skeletons with a club from the stone age exhibit.

38. The only girl you know in the world is Gillian the maid.

39. You have practiced so much that you can defeat a level 50 cheater when you have just the Dull Sword of Dyslexia as a weapon and no spells.

40. You enter a book store and ask for a book of Chain Lightning.

41. You meet a girl and the first thing you ask her about is how much dexterity she has.

42. You ask your boss for the next quest.

43. You buy a ring and ask the salesman if it increases your light radius.

44. You discard your gold ring because it is only a gold ring.

45. You go to church to search for various shrines and open sarcophaguses.

46. You start asking people what level they are instead of their ages.

47. You ask a peg-legged street kid for a Godly Plate of the Whale.

48. You go to the Arch-bishop and ask for Leoric's son.

49. You say "I'm not thirsty" whenever you see a cow.

50. You wonder why they can clone sheep but you can't dupe the cows.

51. You tie a helium balloon to your head and hope it acts like a mana shield.

52. The crystal in your forehead begins to itch.

53. At your birthday, the only thing you can say is "I gotta pawn some of this stuff!"

54. You insist that hell has three levels.

55. You organize your coins into piles of 5,000 each.

56. You try to save your game before walking up or down a flight of stairs.

57. You are on battle.net more than you are asleep.

58. Everyone on battle.net knows who you are.

59. You know who everyone on battle.net is.

60. You have a sudden urge to go to the Public Library.

61. You consult Raymond Tan on how to increase your productivity.

62. You use a President's Rifle of Cashing to rob a bank.

63. You paint your doorway blue.

64. You drink from fountains.

65. You say that Hiroshima and Nagasaki got apocalypsed in 1945.

66. You have a new habit of selling your belongings before buying new ones.

67. You never recharge your batteries yourself.

68. You pile your unused belongings in the center of the park.

69. You hope that you can go to hell.

70. You try to cast mana shield before entering your boss' office.

71. You think golem boxing should be an Olympic sport.

72. You won't go near the dog becuase it may spit acid at you.

73. You hear a pin drop on the floor and think it's a ring or an amulet.

74. An impaled body has become just another part of the furniture.

75. You look for large crevices behind your doctors house.

76. You wonder if potions of healing are prescription drugs.

77. You wonder why football players don't use strength elixirs instead of steroids.

78. You search city sewers and mausoleums for Arkaine's Valor.

79. You start putting "Tristram" as your town of residence on forms.

80. After a stop sign gets stolen, you tell the cops that "the big uglies took it".

81. You wonder how much experience you can rack up on Halloween.

82. You pick up a long wooden stick and try to recharge it.

83. You pass a accident victim and reach for a Scroll of Resurrect.

84. You get lost in the subway and wish you could look at the automap.

85. You change your handwriting to resemble the Exocet font.

86. You go to church and look for stairs leading to the catacombs.

87. You make sure there isn't a trap on the door before going into your bedroom.

88. You ask the cashier at a departmental store whether the t-shirt you're buying is a unique item.

89. While standing still, you unconsciously twist at the waist.

90. You go to that big dictionary in the library, hoping it will have more info about the Sin Wars.

91. Your doctor asks you why you have a crystal taped to your forehead.

92. You ask people on the street, "How many dots do you have?"

93. You tell your friend to give you 5000 gold if he wants to dupe your homework.

94. You suggest to the Supreme Court that battle.net is a good way to settle arguments.

95. People have to go onto battle.net to get ahold of you.

96. You start calling your five year old nephew "Devil Kin".

97. You finish reading a book and expect it to disappear.

98. You're convinced that hell is 13 levels below the ground.

99. You try to find the secret cow level whenever you're in a pasture.

100. You raise your broom above your head while sweeping the backyard, hoping that all the leaves will burn.

101. You have your own Diablo web site.

102. You start wandering around the local church's basement "looking for the next level".

103. You whisper "Psst.. over here..." to get someone's attention.

104. You log on to battle.net even before you check your e-mail each day.

105. You wake up at night and think you see a small red-outlined figure in the corner of the room.

106. You expect to hear the KAPOW of a Nova trap while opening the fridge.

107. You say "I can't use this... yet" when your friends give you something red.

108. You immediately reach for a weapon upon seeing a barrel.

109. You think that the Stone Curse spell is a safe and viable alternative to Viagra.

110. You get expelled for taking over the P.A. system and sending bloodcurdling laughs and screams into every classroom.

111. You wonder how medieval knights survived without a KSOH and a GPOW.

112. You give away your Battle.net account number on dates.

113. You think drinking a gas can will make you more nimble.

114. You time how long it takes you to load levels.

115. You think your baseball cap makes you smarter.

116. You get all your repairs done at your local place of worship.

117. You wonder why pistols don't shoot fireballs.

118. You tell your doctor that you would feel more comfortable if he stood at his door with his arms crossed.

119. You ask your ugly librarian if she has a Staff of Chain Lightning.

120. You try out clothes that you find lying around on the streets.

121. You're bored with Diablo.

"Most Humourous Diablo Site (tie)" (20 Nov 1997) PYROMANCER'S DIABLO PAGE.

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