Romance, comedy, disaster...but ultimately a happy ending. So goes the story of me and my girlfriend Sonya's week's holiday in Cornwall.

Saturday - "This isn't the sort of place where there's going to be a massive Sainsbury's"

According to Bill Bryson "from Surrey to Cornwall... [is] a distance most Americans would cheerfully drive to get a Taco". As typical Brits we set off like it was an exploration into uncharted Amazon basin, expecting nothing less than long delays, appalling weather and an average speed that could be comfortably exceeded in a horse and cart. We decided to heed the M25 warning sign that said "A303 - long delays" and take the M4. Of course upon joining the M4 the boards changed to read "M4 - long delays". Happily the boards were lying (at least in relation to the M4) and we made speedy progress as far as Devon.

The rain at this point began to set in with a vengeance. Picture a grim November afternoon, dark before its time. Note that two days ago it was August. It began to dawn on us that for this self-catering holiday we would need food, and we were fast running out of miles in which to encounter a supermarket; especially given that Devon seemed to consist solely of fields and trees. And as Cornwall neared, civilisation reduced. "This isn't the sort of place where there's going to be a massive Sainsbury's" I moaned. "Oh look," Sonya replied "it says 'Superstore' on that sign. Shall we turn off?". We did. There was a massive Sainsbury's.

Stocked up on provisions, and off the end of Sat Nav's database, we tried to follow the instructions to our holiday cottage - Penquite Barn. After numerous lefts and rights on winding lanes, and with darkness now a real threat, we saw a sign for Penquite Farm and pulled up at a scabby looking barn. "I bet the picture on the website was taken from the front" I said, and hared off round the corner. From the front it became obvious that not only was it not like on the picture, but was not fit for human habitation at all, having no glass in the windows and straw all over the floor. The next building along, on the other hand, looked exactly like the one in the brochure. So we unpacked our stuff and moved in.

Sunday - No-one at home

There is a drawback to making a surprise visit. Actually there are lots of potential drawbacks, but the one that caught us out today was the fact that if you don't tell people you're coming they might be out. And even if you plan several surprise visits, assuming at least someone must be in, they still might all be out. So visiting Sonya's Uncle and both of her cousins would have to wait for another day.

We passed the time instead by driving a little way into Devon, making good use of a cream-tea-serving tea room and eventually ending up at Morwhellam Quay, 100 years ago or so a busy end-of-the-line for shipping on the River Tamar. I can recommend visiting Morwhellam Quay, especially if you arrive an hour before closing when there is still time to see everything but the man who collects the hefty entrance charge has already gone home.

Monday - A series of unfortunate events

The one attraction we felt was a must-see in Cornwall was the Eden Project, the enormous double greenhouse (sorry double "biome") structure that sits in a disused quarry near St Austell. It's worth a visit too, particularly for the huge tropical biome full of bananas, pineapples and many exotic plants.

In the bible, after leaving Eden things went a bit downhill for mankind and unfortunately our day took a similar series of turns for the worse. We first decided to go and have a walk at the beach, and the AA road map was duly consulted. The nearest beach turned out to be somewhat under renovation. It's hard to see why a beach would need to be fenced off and covered in JCBs but if the artist's impression for 2007 is to be believed, it will be worth it...next year. Our second attempt found a beach that turned out to be private. Nice one AA for not labelling that. Finally we ended up at the small fishing beach of Gorran Haven, where the most exciting experience was when a teenage girl walked past and stumbled over the step onto the sand. The car park at Gorran Haven had an "honesty box" into which I did actually drop 30p; perhaps Morwhellam Quay should invest in one.

The less said about the pub we chose for dinner the better. Suffice to say only that firstly we were as pleased to leave before our food arrived as the proprietors were to see us go and secondly if you ever find yourself outside the Crown Inn near St Austell you would do well to either drive on or put a brick through the window. If that was bad though, the search for a replacement eatery was even more painful. The direct road to Liskeard was blocked by an accident, and even after following the second-best route to Liskeard we discovered that in fact it was thoroughly pointless, since there aren't any eateries in Liskeard (other than pubs, which we had had quite enough of for one day). A Little Chef was marked on the map near Landrake so we drove back towards home. On arrival it had been converted to a diner but still looked promising. Alas, it was closing early - for that evening only!! - and pointed us to a second diner across the road. The second diner had also just closed early, but could recommend something for us. "There are two curry houses in Saltash that stay open late" said the waitress "and one of them is really good - but I can't remember its name". Oh dear, I was thinking, I bet we're going to end up picking the wrong one. "I can remember the name of bad one though," she added. So off we set!

As we drove through Saltash there was no sign of any curry houses, so we decided to go round again for another look. Unfortunately we took a wrong turn coming out of Saltash and found ourselves on a one-way road heading over the Tamar toll bridge right out of Cornwall! Arse. Luckily the £1 fare was worthwhile as once in Plymouth we spotted a nice Tapas bar and had a very well earned meal.

Tuesday - An engaging walk

The weather was looking a little better today so we decided to get out the Ordinance Survey map from our cottage, pick a nice-looking spot and go for a walk. Some expert navigation led us straight there, and it was indeed as nice as it looked on the map (although we chose not to walk through the army rifle range, even though the gate was unlocked and the red flags not flying). It was at a convenient rest point on our walk - a bench overlooking Sharrow beach to be exact - that I seized the opportunity to ask Sonya to marry me, and I'm pleased to report that she said yes! :)

After basking in the romance for a few minutes, and trying about 25 times to take our photo at arm's length (a passing couple eventually came to our rescue), we headed down to the very nice beach to have a bit of a quiet sit down and read. As it got later, we headed back and found the curry house we missed yesterday - funny how easy it was in the light!

Finally just before bedtime I decided to have a quiet read of my book again in the kitchen - only to find a bat circling the kitchen above me!! I let out a cry and ran to get Sonya as backup. Such was the strength of my cry she had her phone out ready to call the police, and was relieved to find it being a bat and not a burglar and basically accused me of being a wuss. Of course, when we went back downstairs the bat was nowhere to be seen and Sonya then further accused me of making it up. For the record it was real, and it would have made you jump too I bet.

Wednesday - Going to the Looe

The town of Looe was just 11 miles from our cottage and turned out well worth a visit (see the photo at the top of the page). Even the people were nice - an old lady gave us her unexpired car paark ticket and we parked for free all afternoon! Sonya bought herself a nice new hat (actually no she didn't, I ended up paying for it, and it was a nylon one that was rubbish) and we sat by the sea wall, where a seagull on top of the wall kicked sand on top of us.

In the evening we had arranged to meet Sonya's family and they kindly cooked us dinner. Finding their house turned out to be a bit of a palaver, as sat nav took us down some crazy tiny roads parallel to the main ones and then lost its satellite signal about 400 yards from the house. At least it didn't take us back over the toll bridge.

Thursday - Brixham

We had arranged to meet Sonya's Uncle Stan at the not so bright and early time of 11.00, so naturally we were late. No matter, Stan drove us to Brixham, where we enjoyed ice cream, fish and chips and a look round a replica of Sir Francis Drake's sailing ship the "Golden Hind", which had apparently been built originally as a BBC prop, and proved interesting to poke around. Stan regaled us with some interesting stories, including the time he was in the navy in the Far East. Unhappy with the pub closing time of 9pm he set off for the border to Macao where the pubs stayed open later. Which actually sounds fair enough...until you hear he had to crawl along a railway line to get there to keep out of sight of armed Ghurkha guardsmen. Not sure if that is a strike in favour of 24 hour drinking or not.

We then retired to his house, where his wife Pauline cooked us a nice Italian meal and their neighbour's cat unfortunately menaced one of the children. Sonya and her cousin Alison were able to swap PhD stories while I was able to establish that her other cousin Karen is an accountant working for a well-known pie factory, whilst I am an actuary about to start work for a well-known accountancy firm. Unfortunately no one there was a pie maker for a well-known firm of actuaries, or that would have been a neat triangle.

Friday - "Do you want your duck bubble-wrapped?"

For our final day we decided to visit Polperro, another nearby nice-looking fishing village and a recommendation of Uncle Stan's. It turned out to be a great little place packed with interesting shops and a nice little harbour and beach. Sonya found another hat in one of the shops - a nice one this time - and I found a cute wooden duck ornament in another (don't tell my grandma - it may end up as her Christmas present!). Fearing for its safety on the way home the shopkeeper asked "Do you want your duck bubble-wrapped?". It's not every day you're asked that.

We then walked down to the beach, and sat on some rocks, laughing as a seagull pinched part of someone's lunch and counting one family's children (seven plus one on the way, we reckoned). It then dawned on us that whilst we had been sitting there laughing the tide had come in, and the bottom of the steps we had come up were now underwater. Cue an embarrassing scramble down the other, rather steeper rock face.

We then decided on a whim to head for Tintagel on the north coast. Unfortunately a puncture severely delayed our progress, although we did have the good fortune to break down outside the College Lane Fish Bar in Bodmin, so at least we didn't go hungry waiting for the RAC. By the time we got to Tintagel the main island was roped off and closed, but there was still time for a quick walk and a game of pool in the pub, where Sonya thoroughly outplayed me and then lost by going in-off on the black.

Saturday - It's all over!

So that was that - we packed our bags from Cornwall, headed back over the toll bridge (deliberately this time) and - via some shopping in Taunton - went to visit my parents in Somerset. We were lucky with the weather, and I can't promise that everyone who goes to Cornwall will come back engaged to be married (or even with a bubble-wrapped duck) but I can heartily recommend it as a holiday destination.

Scott Latham 22.9.06

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