Top-N Things to Teach Other People's Kids (drumroll, please...) 1. Four-letter words. Submitted: Pandora n'ha Karen(@Darkover) 2. How to play the electric guitar in the style of Jimi Hendrix. Submitted: Pandora n'ha Karen(@Darkover) 3. How to play the drums...any style will do. Submitted: Pandora n'ha Karen(@Darkover) 4. The truth about the opposite sex. Submitted: Pandora n'ha Karen(@Darkover) 5. How to drive...at age 12. Submitted: Pandora n'ha Karen(@Darkover) 6. Anything involving fireworks. Submitted: Piss Ant 7. Five finger discounting. Submitted: Piss Ant 8. How to shoot a gun. Submitted: Piss Ant 9. Anything dealing with the occult in a southern town. Submitted: Piss Ant 10. Hey kid! Pull my finger!!!! Submitted: The Mad Farter 11. Breakdancing Submitted: Trendy Reznor 12. beavis and butthead really are mature, responsible rolemodels Submitted: plugger(aussie@home) 13. harlem really is safe Submitted: plugger(aussie@home) 14. how to burb and fart at the same time Submitted: plugger(aussie@home) 15. Sex. Need I say more? Submitted: The Mongoose 16. Sit them in front of 'The Spirit of Christmas' for a while - they'll certainly learn some new language there. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 17. How to make $10,000 a month by simply using dad's email account and usenet. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 18. How to make red/blue/beige/black boxes and get gree phone calls... Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 19. Experiments with Toilets 101: Fun with Flushing Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 20. Growling at mean looking dogs usually scares them off. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 21. How to fetch. Comes in handy if you ever need something from the refrigerator during a Three Stooges marathon Submitted: Just Me 22. Teach them the lyrics to any Pantera song Submitted: Just Me 23. That all animals deserve to be kicked Submitted: Just Me 24. #7 - Not to be forgotten is the easier, more profitable activity of pickpocketing. Submitted: Just Me 25. How to be sick in a special hidden corner and not to tell anyone. Submitted: Chris Robin 26. How you need to clean the water tank out with acid. Submitted: Chris Robin 27. how to fake being sick right before school starts Submitted: jschurig(jschurig@flash.net) 28. how to copy off of the smart kids in the class Submitted: jschurig(jschurig@flash.net) 29. Teach your kid how to rip paper. (Actually happened) Submitted: Alacorn(@Crimson.Hellkite's.side) 30. Teach them the lyrics to Pink Floyd's Another Brick in the Wall! "We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control, no dark sarcasm in the classroom..." Submitted: Dragonlady(i.really.did.this...) 31. Teach them the lyrics to Metallica,Danzig,Marilyn Manson,and 2Pac songs. Submitted: Xena 32. How to be really,really anoying{poping they're gum,repeating the same word over,and over very quietly,so no one knows who's doing it]. Submitted: Xena 33. How to write like they're parents,so they can write they're own excuse notes. Submitted: Xena 34. 32: EAT BEEF? Submitted: Piss Ant 35. how to cut school without getting caught Submitted: rocquelle((anonymous)) 36. which two fingers you hold your cigarettes with Submitted: rocquelle((anonymous)) 37. how to spray the annoying neighbors with the hose while they're "washing the dog" Submitted: rocquelle((anonymous)) 38. how to cut school without getting caught Submitted: rocquelle((anonymous)) 39. which two fingers you hold your cigarettes with Submitted: rocquelle((anonymous)) 40. how to spray the annoying neighbors with the hose while they're "washing the dog" Submitted: rocquelle((anonymous)) 41. Teach them that David Bowie is God. Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragon.dominatrix.com) 42. Get them to believe that they *are* Superman and that they *can* fly off really tall buildings. Submitted: Gumti((SuprDuprGumti@Bzzz...)) 43. "Now remember kids, *always* pick your nose before you shake hands with someone." Submitted: Gumti((Gumti@belch.ear)) 44. "Every time that grandma goes to hug you, burp." Submitted: Gumti((Gumti@belch.ear)) 45. The Universal Languae: The finger. Submitted: Sailor Earth 46. How to use the "F" word in fun and creative ways. Submitted: Sailor Earth 47. How to appreciate a good episode of Sailor Moon. Submitted: Sailor Earth 48. Sneak out of bed and watch Letterman. Submitted: Sailor Earth 49. How not to be annouying, selfish, sh**-brained preps when they get older. Submitted: Sailor Earth 50. 21-how to FELCH comes in handy too Submitted: Timothy F. Huston TNDA (F. stands for Felcher)(gumby@Felch.butt) 51. Creative places to piss and shit. Submitted: stupidmotherfucker 52. Peeing in a glass and telling their younger siblling it's lemonade. Submitted: stupidmotherfucker 53. #47: I think that everyone needs to appreciate Sailor Moon. Submitted: Gumti((SailorPluto@time.keeper)) 54. Teach the kids to post to Top-n. Submitted: Gumti((SailorPluto@time.keeper)) 55. Use lots of obscure expletives without explaining them, then watch the parents expressions when they ask what 'Feltching' is... Submitted: Dangerman 56. Tell 'em to piss on the toilet seat Submitted: ¹-Man(the.best@CAB.ca) 57. Shit and don't flush Submitted: ¹-Man(the.best@CAB.ca) 58. tell 'em that their parents don't really want him/her Submitted: anonymous 59. Show them how to sacrifice a goat Submitted: anonymous 60. HOW TO DRY THEIR HAIR IN THE TUBB Submitted: THE TUBB PEOPLE 61. HOW TO REALLY PUT A SMILE ON DADDYS FACE Submitted: THE TUBB PEOPLE 62. TELL THE YOUNG BOYS HOW TO PROPERLY INSERT TAMPONS IN THEIR BUMS Submitted: THE TUBB PEOPLE 63. WHAT PART OF MOMMYS PANTIES TO SNIFF Submitted: THE TUBB PEOPLE 64. WHAT THAT FISHY SMELL REALLY IS Submitted: THE TUBB PEOPLE 65. HOW TO MILK THE DOG Submitted: THE TUBB PEOPLE 66. HOW TO DRIVE NAILS THROUGH THEIR NUTS WITHOUT TEARS Submitted: THE TUBB PEOPLE 67. HOW TO TAKE THEIR TEMPERATURE THROUGH THE END OF THEIR DICKS Submitted: THE TUBB PEOPLE 68. HOW TO PULL OUT AND BLAST IT ALL OVER YOUR OWN FACE Submitted: THE TUBB PEOPLE 69. to scream "the pope is a fucking fascist" in church (or anywhere for that matter) Submitted: jess krug(ica666@hotmail.com) 70. to exclaim in amazement and loudly in a large crowd of midwestern or southern people (okay i've done this) "so if mary wasn't married to god than jesus is a BASTARD" Submitted: jess krug(ica666@hotmail.com) 71. to scream "the pope is a fucking fascist" in church (or anywhere for that matter) Submitted: jess krug(ica666@hotmail.com) 72. to exclaim in amazement and loudly in a large crowd of midwestern or southern people (okay i've done this) "so if mary wasn't married to god than jesus is a BASTARD" Submitted: jess krug(ica666@hotmail.com) 73. That "lye" is a new flavor of coolade Submitted: Jo Mama(yourmom@myplace.com) 74. How to hotwire a car. Submitted: Sailor Earth 75. Convince them that their parents are virgins - make sure they're really proud of this fact and want to tell the world Submitted: Magus Orion(orionrh@hotmail.com) 76. Instead of 'Virgin' insert 'Brother and Sister' Submitted: Magus Orion(orionrh@hotmail.com) 77. How to make Napalm Submitted: Magus Orion(orionrh@hotmail.com) 78. Teach them the joys of weed. Submitted: Magus Orion(orionrh@hotmail.com) 79. Tell them that they were adopted. Submitted: CyberGod(@CyberDog) 80. Read them "Uncle Shelby's ABZ Book" (I've done this) Submitted: CyberDog(@CyberGod) 81. The Word of Mormon - then send them off to an Octoberfest Submitted: Lucien ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- This list started by Pandora n'ha Karen(@Darkover) Last updated: Sun 24 Aug 97 13:07:18 Remember to press the RELOAD button to see your submissions! See the ABOUT TOP-N file for more info... 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