Top-N Surreal Top-N (drumroll, please...) 1. HEY GUYS! I made entry #511 on the surreal list, you know what that means. KaBOOM! Submitted: ChAoS 2. the bees fly with ease through the trees that grow from my knees. They gasp and wheeze and start to sneeze as they crash into the seven seas. Submitted: ChAoS 3. Timm launches beef through the screen Submitted: CONFIG.SYS 4. Jinxster appears naked in angrywhitemale's bathroom, only to disappear and reappear in his toilet Submitted: CONFIG.SYS 5. Mot P turns into a giant fly and infects all Top-N users with Motlayia Submitted: CONFIG.SYS 6. The Mad Farter is invited to the White House to explain the SBD theory (Silent But Deadly) Submitted: Patsy's Old Man 7. Isn't top-n surreal enough already? Submitted: A Gecko Named Laura(Why should I tell you?) 8. Generic top-n user begins to take on a deeper meaning. Submitted: Just Me(help.its.got.me.com) 9. Fish! Submitted: Rambo Bob(pablo.pic@sso.painted.by.numbers) 10. This is not a website. Submitted: I am not Dangerman(This is not an e-mail address) 11. About half an hour. Submitted: Tec42(under the bathtub) 12. Come on down! Come on down! Come on down! Oh no. It's broken again. Where's that donkey? Submitted: Tec42(under the bathtub) 13. I laughed. Oh did I laugh. But then, I guess I thought it was funny. How odd that no one else was laughing, and the strange looks that flashed across their faces when I did the bill cosby wiggle fingers in front of my face thing. We tend to find that people keep dying. This is obviously a design problem. Sometimes, I need a refund. Perhaps if I can find receipts for all these dead people, someone will pay me a whole mess of money. Try and sell her the eggs. You don't need the eggs, and obviously she is desparate. Support starving programmers. How easy it is to steal someone's pen. Our bread gets moldy. don't eat the bread it's moldy. mold is not good. don't eat the bread. mold is very hard to find on vegetables.......don't........eat...........the..............bread...Find the ketchup! Submitted: Tec42(under the bathtub) 14. ChAoS looses coherence, his pattern breaks up, and his molecules loose adhesion sending atoms flying off in random fractal like patterns until he disintegrates. Submitted: ChAoS(think.happy.thoughts) 15. #1 I'd hate to see what Klingon Barf does! Submitted: ChAoS(think.happy.thoughts) 16. we become the result of a late night painting session between Piccasso and Salvadore Dali! Submitted: ChAoS(think.happy.thoughts) 17. Mindless ramblings by me and anyone else would make sense Submitted: Just Me(basic.complain.represented.shoe@compass.foil.run) 18. TopN would look like you were on cocaine, and if you *were* on cocaine, it would look normal (kind of like Pink Floyd's "The Wall" video) Submitted: Just Me(basic.complain.represented.shoe@compass.foil.run) 19. #13 - Do you think Timm would kill a cow and eat it with a spoon? Submitted: Just Me(basic.complain.represented.shoe@compass.foil.run) 20. #17. killing a cow with a spoon sounds difficult and most spoons can't eat so eating it WITH the spoon would definately happen only on surreal top-N Submitted: ChAoS 21. GENERIC SURREAL ENTRY WITH THE MEANING OF THE UNIVERSE ATTACHED. (NO ITS NOT 42. ITS 420) :^) Submitted: GENERIC TOP-N USER(OOO AAAH) 22. #5: CHUCK GENERIC BEEF! And strange names, like ReedMan, Jinxster, Just Me, etc. Submitted: The Impostor(Now where'd I put that waffle iron?) 23. #19: WOW! I didn't know you had a personality! (And it's not 420, it's 42 * 10) (-: Submitted: The Impostor(Now where'd I put that waffle iron?) 24. "Oh, fishy, fishy, fishy, fish! Oh where did that fish go?" Submitted: Don Juan is the Walrus(Plastecene porters are knocking at my door...) 25. To be or not to be, that explains the melting walls. Submitted: Don Juan is the Walrus(Plastecene porters are knocking at my door...) 26. #19: No, no, no! It's not 420, it's "GENERIC STRING OF NUMERALS". Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 27. #20: And shouldn't that be "GENERIC BOVINE MEAT PRODUCT"? Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 28. Come on! I can do GENERIC's job better than HE can! Shape up or ship out! Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 29. Or: GENERIC EXHORTATION TO EITHER CONFORM TO YOUR GENERIC MONIKER OR BEGIN A NAUTICAL VOYAGE TO A GENERIC ELSEWHERE. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 30. GENERIC INQUIRY AS TO WHETHER I GIVE YOU GENERIC IMPERITIVES ON HOW TO DO YOUR GENERIC JOB DESCRIPTION Submitted: GENERIC TOP-N USER 31. #26 GENERIC IMPERATIVE DIRECTIVE TO GO GENERIC SEXUAL TERM YOURSELF Submitted: GENERIC TOP-N USER 32. Hey! Look behind you! Submitted: Túrin(Mormegil@Nargothrond.gov) 33. Add some blue for unreality. Submitted: Túrin(Mormegil@Nargothrond.gov) 34. Let us now speak according to natural lights. Submitted: Túrin(Mormegil@Nargothrond.gov) 35. Ah! But how will you do in the thicket of the Jordan? Submitted: Túrin(Mormegil@Nargothrond.gov) 36. The moon really isn't the proper place to leave your wet socks to dry. Very little pomp, and hardly any circumstance. Submitted: Túrin(Mormegil@Nargothrond.gov) 37. Painting the town red accomplishes nothing if it rains the next day. Submitted: A Gecko Named Laura(Why should I tell you?) 38. Actually, I think the Paintball list is more surreal than this one (... you wake up and find yourself in a monestary, and all they do is chant "EAT BEEF" all day long... GHAAARGH!) Submitted: The Impostor(rotsopmI ehT) 39. Hey! I hear you listening! Now cut that out before I roto-till your weeds into the ground and all you'll do is say "It's not my fault. Blame it on the pansies. They got me in the morning and then left me for another window at noon. Do you know what that's Submitted: TiGar 40. Are you there? Hello? Where am I? Who am I? I can't fight the feeling anymore... RealAudio sings top-n to me... dream on, I'll be there, I'm flying...my god, it's full of stars... Submitted: BigGulp(back@the.helm) 41. I am a fish I am a fish I am a fish. Submitted: Jinxster 42. Look, it's the Goodyear blimp. And it's made from papier-mache. Submitted: Jinxster 43. Alien Grfvnbvoergfrehldaqw3q looks more human than Lord Kalhoun I. (Hey, wait a second...) Submitted: Jinxster 44. Dangerman dancing a tango with a whole can of the stuff. Submitted: Jinxster 45. Just Me, the fish, the walrus and the machine that goes 'ping' talking about the state of the Armenian economy. Submitted: Jinxster 46. The penguin is playing with a yoyo under the stairs. Submitted: Jinxster 47. ReedMan wants the yoyo but can't have it or the King of the Potato-people will take him prisoner. Submitted: Jinxster 48. I'd like to help him, but Mr Flibble doesn't think I should. Submitted: Jinxster 49. He says I'd get my feet wet trying to cross the river. Submitted: Jinxster 50. But The Rat's offered to give me a ride over so I think I'll be OK. Submitted: Jinxster 51. A Gecko Named Laura is sitting on a cloud, watching the butterflies. One of them turns into angrywhitemale and starts talking to her. Then he pushes her off. Submitted: Jinxster 52. Fortunately Dragonlady catches her and flies her to the fully-grown oak tree that TiGar has just planted, where she finds The Eternal meditating on the futility of buying a bread knife when you can just get sliced bread. Submitted: Jinxster 53. A flock of the stuff then flies past and lands on the river, where Don Juan and Bytch feed ducks to it. Submitted: Jinxster 54. Chris Robin does a fly-past in a harrier jump jet, until Foxbase Alpha leaps into the back and kisses him passionately. They fall together into a pit of feathers, until she turns into Dangerman and laughs helplessly. At this point, lots of blue, spray-painted snowflakes fall from the sky. Submitted: Jinxster 55. They're being tipped out of a bucket by a giant orangutang with the face of Stageh&. When I ask him why he's doing that, he shrugs, says 'Oook' and offers me a banana, which I give to Gecko-Laura to comfort her for the loss of awm. Submitted: Jinxster 56. Jinxster and angrywhitemale ride off happily into a bowl of tapioca while Tec-42 spouts incoherent techno-babble... Submitted: Bytch 57. The screen slowly melts into your lap, forming the words "I no be dead", a direct indication that scarves are a device of Satan. Then you stand up, shout "Eat Beef" while the exploding of your limbs interferes with the penguin ballet. You apologize profusely, but Mike Bray insists you log off immediately, due to a libero-conservative conspiracy, somehow involving the love child of Michael Jackson and Newt Gingritch. Submitted: Don Juan(The Top N acid trip) 58. The Gecko Lady wanders down the halls of top-n. She steps over the aunt's bea's beef the klingon barf vomits on wednesday. She sees angrywhitemale in a muffin eating the spider Submitted: A Gecko Named Laura(None) 59. She speaks to him, he rebuffs her and she begins to melt like the persistance of time painting Submitted: A Gecko Named Laura(None) 60. She reforms, but she is now a he. It is ReedMan, or what used to be him. He has metamorphasized into a small spotted gecko. The tail comes off the third digit on the right from foot. hard to walk so he uses beeb stick stilts Submitted: The Gecko From Reed(Somewhere in the pool hall of the mindless ones) 61. I must find the potatoe...so hard to live without the potatoe to keep my thoughts in my shoe Submitted: The Gecko From Reed(Somewhere in the pool hall of the mindless ones) 62. I take the caffiene pellet and put it directly in my brain to induce vomiting as Pickles come from the mouths of all the women he has loved. They are suprised to say the least Submitted: The Gecko From Reed(Somewhere in the pool hall of the mindless ones) 63. He metamorphoses again and his origin is no longer clear, but his tail is. He is everywhere and nowhere, much like heisenbergs cat and the spam from Jinxsters spam farm in New Jersey. Submitted: The Spotted Gecko(No, I cant stop it) 64. So hard to communicate when the vocal cords of the gecko have been severed...the clowns...i must escape.cannot love the racquet ball Submitted: The Spotted Gecko(No, I cant stop it) 65. The science fiction I am so fond of sticking in my armpit knee is in the arms of Koko the Gorilla. Submitted: The Spotted Gecko(No, I cant stop it) 66. The yoyo from entry #45 eludes my grasp as I find the true meaning of existential angst and expire as my warranty leaves the dimension of the desk. Submitted: The Spotted Gecko(No, I cant stop it) 67. My headache bursts and my thoughts are spewed in green technicolor among the daffodils. Submitted: The Spotted Gecko(No, I cant stop it) 68. I am real, Sir! Submitted: Relian 69. The umbrella is screaming among two-headed pencils. (I just thought you`d like to know!) Submitted: Relian 70. Patsy's OM finds a finer key, how quaint. To think that when D-minor no longer suits us, we can just call on the Gecko. Interspersed with envy, Rambo B and Dangerman are sent flinging carrots at infinity, but their loved ones have melted. Submitted: Tec42(ever so slowly, they lie) 71. Can they not see!? Chaos breaks loose, and a vowel is used in construction of the house. FEAR! ALARM! You have been programmed. You have been deprogrammed. It is just me. Submitted: Tec42(ever so slowly, they lie) 72. Loft. Goals of ice. Below. All thoughts are generic. No dawn. When. Whan. Can one be an imposter, if there is no one else? Lord Kalhoun has found the shroud, and he knows where the truth lies. He has discovered when the truth lies, why the truth lies, and at what time it will eat breakfast. With one big gulp, Jinxster finishes in a smile. Submitted: Tec42(ever so slowly, they lie) 73. Bytch and mohne. Inside, we are all just angry white males, relying on the passing of elmer's. Submitted: Tec42(ever so slowly, they lie) 74. This seems to have fixed it. Submitted: Tec42(ever so slowly, they lie) 75. "Fukengruven" becomes a mantra for enlightenment. Submitted: syrup(maple@pancake.com) 76. Steve comes back. Submitted: syrup(maple@pancake.com) 77. The comet of my mind is all I am, in hurtling endless flight through passages of colour, as substanceless thoughts, as yet unthought. Abandoned, detached and more lost than vanished time, I am beyond alone. Don't call me, I cannot come... Submitted: PsychoBaby(rubber.room@the.asylum) 78. down on my knees in suburbia...johnny wants to think of a joke...i have not been to oxford town...earthlings on fire...zane zane zane Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragons.den) 79. I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. Submitted: Túrin(Mormegil@Nargothrond.gov) 80. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Submitted: Túrin(Mormegil@Nargothrond.gov) 81. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. Submitted: Túrin(Mormegil@Nargothrond.gov) 82. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Submitted: Túrin(Mormegil@Nargothrond.gov) 83. Children trust me. Submitted: Túrin(Mormegil@Nargothrond.gov) 84. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. Submitted: Túrin(Mormegil@Nargothrond.gov) 85. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. Submitted: Túrin(Mormegil@Nargothrond.gov) 86. But you have never been to college. Submitted: ReedMan(Somewhere in portlan,d Oregon) 87. #77-83: I'll take "Who is Hugh Gallagher?" for $100, Alex. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 88. I did impound the rumanent bovine sir, but he transcended the impannel of the impound and scatterlophisticated all over the equanimity of the forest -- so you may yet suffer the animadversions for his eternal depredations that you sought to avoid, Sir. Submitted: A. Lincoln 89. Could you repeat the question? Submitted: A. Lincoln 90. Did someone say surreal! Submitted: AAZ(saw@ereh) 91. look Dali :}) Submitted: AAZ(saw@ereh) 92. Sir, avoid to sought you that depredations eternal his for animadversions the seffer yet may you so-- forest the of equanimity the over all scatterlophisticated and impound the of impanny the transcended he but sir bovine rumanent the impound did i Submitted: Backwoards man 93. #84 - It didn't say *original* surreal top-n... Submitted: Túrin(Mormegil@Nargothrond.gov) 94. Listen as the wind blows, from across the great divide. Submitted: Túrin(Mormegil@Nargothrond.gov) 95. Noam Chomsky has a weird idea of Hitlerian politics, all stemming from the unfortunate steel barge incident when he was 23. Submitted: Túrin(Mormegil@Nargothrond.gov) 96. No doubt but ye are the people, and wisdom shall die with you... Submitted: Túrin(Mormegil@Nargothrond.gov) 97. You people are scaring the hell out of me. You sound like a Calvin Klein commercial. Submitted: The Showman(I'm baaack!) 98. I had a little chicken that would. not. lay. an egg. So I did pour hot water up and down its leg. And the little chicken laid, and the little chicken laid, Oh yes, the little chicken laid a hard boiled egg. Match to the the gas tank. No gas. Submitted: ReedMan(Somewhere in Portlan,d OReogn) 99. Even under scrupulous supervision, Jinxter gestates generically while Super-Ravens chortle heavily behind the corner of the gnome. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 100. Verily, he has known himself to be gotten by the waves of passion underneath miles of polar ice caps which hinder nine ferocious platypi by wars and pestilence. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 101. Never but once more likely than now to your sips of water taken, which were and are and forever shall be mine. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 102. Gesticulating and flatulating wildly, TweedMan roves in the swamp, devouring the giant butter churns which fly about his head. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 103. "Yonder rosebush appears distraught", said I, and quickly ran to conceal myself from its hideous visage. It glared at me through the bricks... I could see it in my thoughts! Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 104. Suddenly a vision fair appeared before my eyes: a squadron of operatic Norsemen came to plunder the fields and soil the living-room carpets. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 105. As I observed their primitive rituals of bathing and conjugal concupiscence, they metamorphosed into such various flora as white pines and Venus' flytraps, which promptly vanished betwixt the closing curtains. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 106. "And now I shall resume the shape which thou dost think I have shaken off forever!" came the cry, from whence I still know not... but just before I tied the knot I noticed not one, not three, but five small asps slithering slowly towards me. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 107. "Come with us!" said the diminutive serpents, and I stepped on two before the others ate me. I was now in three, which seemed quite natural, and through their eyes saw I the likes of ye. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 108. "Grace be with you, friends," the king cried out to all. Terrible his majesty seemed to me, but a gentle resident of the hinterlands assuaged my guilt by pointing out that I was above the guillotine's sharp blade. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 109. "Drop! Drop the instrument of death!" I cried, and the severed victim's head spoke thus: "Thou wilt never find peace till thou also taste the sting of death." At this I wondered, for certainly the Dragons would mitigate his curse with their blessing upon Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 110. Whilst the comb of bees' paradise remains empty, remain I must to appraise thee of Tales of Wonder and Terror, such that no one's knees might go unshaken here today. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 111. But, hark! Hear not the bumbling of the hive? Subvert the natural order of things hereafter, and thereby witless traipse into the twilight. For shall I not return? Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 112. Yea, even as the zephyrs bid me home, Luna shall once again her silver harp begin to play; and as I view this final time the image of the darkened hills, the very trees despair of me to leave. But leave I must. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 113. Brav-O! Abso-fucking-lutely fan-fucking-tastic! Submitted: ReedMan(Somewhere in Portland, Roegon) 114. #97-110 : What the hell are they putting in the water at Hillsdale? I want some! Submitted: PsychoBaby(rubber.room@the.asylum) 115. Yes, yes! 'Twas indeed note worthy cyber-surreality. Two excellent entries. More, more! Submitted: StageH& 116. You liked it? You really, actually liked it? Oh, yes! The water. A gruesome sight, it is: full of iron, copper, other vile and uncouth minerals, and a substance designated by the Supreme Overmind as Y7-PPB-X. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 117. Hello again, my nubile and desolate friends. Perchance my feeble intellect shall amuse you once again with visions of the surreal nightscape. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 118. Normally, the haystacks glittered in the sun, but flaking off they hide from the beastly ducks who pilfer tiny morsels from the Maw of Evil. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 119. Gently they were bobbing along towards the jagged horizon, when of a sudden the vicious gale containing the vast collection of undead souls arose and smote them all. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 120. "Ghastly!" said the bear as he lay back to hibernate in his warm, dark cave. "They really ought to have turned left and avoided the whole thing." Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 121. As the bear drifted off at last to sweet somnolence, he dissolved into eighty-four small shards of emerald, which in their turn began throwing a nice little rave party. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 122. Long into the night they raved, the primitive techno beat swaying in the breeze. The nebulous haze from their ignited cannabis provided an appropriate breeding ground for the needle-nosed pliers. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 123. What could their mongrel offspring be but a tired catch phrase, which terrorized the emerald shards -- the party was over. I sat back from my telescope and pondered the meaning of all this. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 124. Violently, the asphalt parted at the next command of this despicable creature, meant for the fiery torture of Hell but for this moment set loose upon the outskirts of Detroit by a quite understandable mistake. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 125. All vanished in a flash of crimson, and as the mushroom cloud arose another blood-red light appeared in the sky; this time a giant eye surveying the ruins of the land. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 126. Maniacal laughter emanated from the apparition, and it blinked once and fell to the earth, which was kind of disgusting because it splattered. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 127. Everywhere the drops of sloshy fluid landed sprang a tree of pears, but each pear had wings and took off flying into the vast interior of the hollow moon. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 128. There they learned the secret arts of numbers, and returned in vengeance to the Earth which spawned them. Until this very moment suspended by their wings, they plummeted and drowned in the ocean. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 129. Their corpses were devoured by creatures of the deep, so vast and black as to defy the imagination. Closer it came to land, whereupon it was sighted and praised. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 130. The nearsighted beggar was the first to be digested by the sable creature, but others soon followed as its rampage of hunger quickly emptied the metropolis of its residents. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 131. The twisted creature now had the run of the town, but the city council voted to dissolve it and it was done. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 132. Out stepped the numberless horde which the beast had swallowed, and gave it up for the city council, which voted to applaud itself, and it was done. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 133. "Can no one show me something new?" I cried, for as familiar as the sunrise was this happenstance to me. But alas, it was not to be. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 134. For as the many times before, quite unaffected by the passage of time, came the one and only glove of the Hamburger Helper, cheerily endorsing the heartless slaughter of beeves. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 135. At this I fainted dead away, and hours later I awoke to see a strange new world which had apparently formed itself from Tinkertoys and oyster crackers. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 136. Carefully avoiding the crunchy tidbits, I walked on the fragile wooden path towards the only building in sight: a glorious castle made of red and green glass partially covered with French onion dip. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 137. "What riches lieth in such a palace?" I wondered in amazement, as the spongy drawbridge lowered itself and shouted a merry "Tally-ho, good stranger!" Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 138. I replied in like good spirits, and was proffered a tract proclaiming the owner of the majestic mansion to be none other than Doodly P. Ramaswami. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 139. At this I started, for rumor has it this Ramaswami fellow once began to yodel uncontrollably whilst gargling peanut butter. I thought better of entering. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 140. Wearily I trudged on for miles, without sight of man nor beast. Hours later I reencountered the castle, though it was now strangely upside-down. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 141. This time the friendly drawbridge insisted that I enter and pay homage to his beloved master, so I reluctantly assented and resigned myself to hearing uninterrupted platitudes for the next several hours. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 142. Strangely, once I entered the castle it seemed right-way up again, and though the clouds of memory obscure it somewhat I distinctly remember a fountain pen skittering along the corridor. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 143. I had a nice refreshing walk in the sunshine of the labyrinthine hallway, but soon I came upon a simple but large mailbox, which I presumed to be the main audience chamber. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 144. I knocked once or twice, and the hatch melted away in an impressive visual display of pyrotechnics. I entered. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 145. My eyes were immediately assaulted by the sight of Ramaswami, who (to my amazement) had unergone a quantum shift and become a 1964 Cadillac convertible. I walked over and turned the key so I might speak with him. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 146. Out of the glove box came his supple voice: "Welcome, friend; or succulent morsel as the case may be. But I see you are no mere snack! Come then, what is your business?" Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 147. As I began to explain my unenviable predicament, he slowly resumed humanoid form and then further shifted to become a roll of paper towels and, finally, back to human shape. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 148. I continued: "And then this pen flew past in the hall..." at which point he broke in upon my monologue and proclaimed that the Tinkertoy world will now become as one with the world we inhabit, as declared in prophecy long ago. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 149. I woke up then, back in my sparsely decorated apartment for the time being, and resumed my watchfulness with the telescope. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 150. "Durst thou to spy upon the neighboring lands?" inquired Ramaswami, who had journeyed back with me. "Quite simply," I replied, "I can't afford cable." Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 151. "This new world confuses me," quoth he, "and I care not for its lack of quality entertainment." I quietly agreed and offered him a view from the telescope, which in his eagerness he then tripped over. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 152. "Art thou injured?" I hurriedly asked, for insurance can be rather pricey. "Nay," he answered, "more scared than hurt -- but for the fact that I shall die shortly from the glass imbedded in my skull." Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 153. I looked to the left, I looked to the right, and hurriedly heaved the corpse-in-process out the window, where it briefly took the form of an electrical socket and vanished. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 154. I comforted myself by shaving the armchair again (I wish I could control myself!), but soon everything returned to normal and I unplugged the razor. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 155. "Good God, what ARE you doing?" came a voice, which I immediately recognized as Aunt Hilda, who's been dead these twenty years. The disembodied voice continued, "You know better than to use electrical appliances underwater!" Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 156. For indeed my apartment was now flooded, and I become a fish. How smooth was the water against my scales; how sensual the rhythmic sqirming of the worm I beheld aside the newly-shorn armchair. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 157. Greedily I became the worm's bane as I devoured its flesh, and the hook I had not seen dragged me heavenward -- I was now the prey of some superior predator! Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 158. As I breached the surface of the crystal sea, I began to suffocate in the rarefied air, but as I fell to unconsciousness I heard a voice say, "Damn! It's too small; we'll have to throw it back." Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 159. Once again the waters parted and I fell through, though now returned to human form, and I splashed about. In doing so I attracted the attention of a great fish, who swallowed me whole. But inside the fish I found I was again in Ramaswami's castle. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 160. To myself I mused, "Apparently, this place is a central node of some kind; a common element in all my experiences, tying and weaving them together like a giant tapestry hung on the wall by Sticky-Tak." Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 161. The tapestry's weight overpowered the attaching putty and it crashed to the floor, kicking up large amounts of dust, as the maids hadn't been in for a fortnight. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 162. I believe I died that day, but there is always room for doubt in this surreality I call my home. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 163. Perhaps I shall return again soon, the more to vex you with my disturbing hallucinations. But for now, I bid adieu. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 164. #77 - #83 - That sounds like Martha Stewart's life story, even though it's just a list that's been floating around the Net for upwards of a year Submitted: Just Me 165. Ouch! Submitted: The Impostor 166. Lord Kalhoun I, you have WAY too much time on your hands! Submitted: The Impostor 167. #162 Supposedly it's an actual college application essay. Some renditions say that he actually got into the college too. Submitted: Dragonlord(@dragons.den) 168. #164: What do you mean? Only once and a half did the hour-hand circumnavigate the chronometer whilst I wrote my myriad entries. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 169. But Whence o lord of Kalhoun, how often did thy metacarpals circumnavigate thy phallus whilst yonder myriad entries didst thou typeth? Submitted: Dudley Muffinhead 170. No Sir, I do not want that duck. I am not a lizard. I am not the lizard. The fish strikes midnite. Submitted: Dragonlord(@dragons.den) 171. Painting with poodles is regarded as poor practice on the precipices of the pamplona in primeval paraguay. Submitted: Dragonlord(@dragons.den) 172. Nevertheless we must move on towards the meaning of the past and findour selves within a birdhouse in our souls. Submitted: Dragonlord(@dragons.den) 173. STELLAAAAAA! Submitted: Dragonlord(@dragons.den) 174. My god, it's full of guitars! Or is it an oboe? Submitted: Dragonlord(@dragons.den) 175. #167: Uh... screwest thineself! Submitted: The Impostor 176. #167: Nay, but rather thou shouldst ask, "How often did Jinxster's tongue caress thy phallus?" Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N) 177. Now THAT was surreal! Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N) 178. Amateurs! Stand back and let the Surreal God extend the boundaries of thy imaginations. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N) 179. Quietly the deck shuffled itself; nevertheless, I put in my two ampersands. I was dealt a B of pencils, a kumquat of operas, and a side of beef. Needless to say, I folded. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N) 180. Which came to good use, for I had recently lost my origami dragon, so I made several new ones out of the pencils' leads. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N) 181. Lead poisoning is a terrible thing, so I had unleaded. "Hold it!" I shouted, for by mistake they were giving me decaffeinated orange juice. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N) 182. "Yield to the Powers that Be Not" spake the muzzled mutt, and I acquiesced, for he was a pit-chihuahua. I beheld not his power directly, but a sign warned to "Bow to the Bow-Wow". Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N) 183. I knelt and apologized profusely to the canine lord, who directed me to the desalinization plant in Saudi Arabia, which had undergone a Chernobyl-type meltdown. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N) 184. This had spewed milk and honey across the land, and so the Israelis immediately claimed it as their own. How governed they the Loch Ness monster, I'll never know. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N) 185. "Beasts which crawl upon the air shall weed the sun of its flesh!" I cried, but they did not understand my plea. Were they hungry or just befuddled by propaganda? Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N) 186. Turning from the truth for a bit, I happened upon the Grey Ribbon -- an omen of Love and Destruction. Cloyly, I hit it in my jerkin and awaited the condemnation of the West Wind's phlegm. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N) 187. It never came. Violently I raged against the numbers two and seven, and the letter R. A roll of duct tape comforted me in my bliss. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N) 188. As the roofing tar attacked Betelguese, I looked on, dumbfounded in wonder. I laid down the unfinished ball of adhesives and stared in abject logic. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N) 189. "Asterisk! Asterisk! They all fall down!" came the news of Betelguese's stellar victory. "Persona non grata, et e pluribus unum in amor," I sighed, relieved. The undulating thimbles could now find rest. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N) 190. Gloating, the Cyclops rubbed his alcohol and guzzled the heebie-jeebies in tune to the massive cliff. He noticed not the gurgling bowels of the shore. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N) 191. Mr. Sharky adjusted his aqua-green toupée, and worked my lap computer as if his presence really had some kind of worth. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N) 192. The one-eyed giant, now a geriatric octogenarian, heaved his heavy bulk up the power cord, bringing a deflated suitcase and a baseball mitt along for the ride. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N) 193. Œdipus himself would have seen what lay in wait, but he wasn't there until it was too late. The cord undid, and the giant fell beneath the crashing surf. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N) 194. A mortal blow, that was to the surf... knowing full well that guests, meanwhile, parked in his thorax and lopped off his sternum. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N) 195. Hourly chimed the Guernsey's bell, amidst the roiling voltage of the tangled fence, but no one heeded her call as she became a large, dry pot-roast. Without carrots. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N) 196. The waffles clapped, the Eiffel bent, and the whiffle ball did sing. "Neener!" called the goat's tin can as winter changed to spring. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N) 197. Hold the candles, one by one, and eat them 'fore they melt! Under, over, inside-out, the Mobius donned his belt. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N) 198. Handkerchieves on bended knees have mucus, plegm and snot. I perceive that house's eaves have gone and tied in knots. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N) 199. Fender benders, ice-cream blenders; neither fancy I. Ere the vendor shows his splendor, I am throwing pies. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N) 200. Like the flies and thin red guys, the pies I throw are stale. Naught but lies the art form buys, but, still, that finds me ale. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N) 201. On the dot the thin robot descended to the core. Until he got a lot of pot, his mind could not have soared. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N) 202. Now I enter two-oh-oh, a number fine and good. If liked you not my little poem, your head is made of wood. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N) 203. "Carpe! Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero." said the old greybeard. "You cannot know where you will go if you don't know where you come from!" he said with ancient voice, husky with years of falsetto background singing. Submitted: StageH& 204. "That's the trouble with youth in America," he continued. "Not at all like youth in Asia -- they have a real understanding of the elderly." He paused briefly to take a deep sip from his tea cup which seemed to be held together by a thick coating of Earl Grey stains. "You never call and ask anything; you never visit to say, 'So, how now old father; old son; old sock; warm coat; great godfather; young for your generation' Submitted: StageH& 205. Now he seemed to remember some other time, in some other place, with some other person; the brightness of his eye and color in his cheek seemed to pale as his speech slurred and he began to ramble. I saddened in unison with him. Our mood so enwrapped each other it was not unlike a George Crumm duet for amplified piano and soprano. We wept, we coughed, we held each other, and finally we sighed and drank deeply from the same tea cup. I wiped his face with my sleeve. He gazed into my eyes in a way that made me feel he was trying to impart some powerful message by injection. Submitted: StageH& 206. "So tell me old grandfather; old wise ancestor; guide me to my future; forget about youth in Asia and tell me the message you hold so dear; for I have come to recognize my oversights and underestimation of your power; please tell me -- where do I come from?" Submitted: StageH& 207. The old man straightened up in his chair and leaned forward as though to whisper the secret of the ages, "I," he said, "I," he repeated, "I think you come from Cleveland." He drifted off, "maybe Altoona." He slept. I put out the cat, switched off the water heater and went back to my RV. Submitted: StageH& 208. ~OUCH! Submitted: Borfolomew(a.k.a. The Impostor) 209. "What's all this bubbling and churning? You call this a radar screen?" "No sir, we call it Mr. Coffee" "Uh... yes. Everyone knows I always have coffee while I watch radar." "OF COURSE WE DO, SIR!" Submitted: Borfolomew(a.k.a. The Impostor) 210. #201: Carpe! Carpe dogas? Sieze the dog?!? Submitted: The Impostor 211. I was going to the noun when I saw a middle-aged man with a green testicle plucking sparrows from the river Submitted: Wolfiedelic(I.am@that.place.where.the.dragons.frolic.daily) 212. I asked him why he was doing this.He replied "I want my order changed from the special to the soup." Submitted: Wolfiedelic(I.am@that.place.where.the.dragons.frolic.daily) 213. He then gave me a car which I ate feverishly.He ran off singing about lumberjacks. Submitted: Wolfiedelic(I.am@that.place.where.the.dragons.frolic.daily) 214. I replaced the sparrows with the ones I had in my conservative pocket. Submitted: Wolfiedelic(I.am@that.place.where.the.dragons.frolic.daily) 215. I blew a sign and went to Aspen,tiddely tiddely ho. Submitted: Wolfiedelic(I.am@that.place.where.the.dragons.frolic.daily) 216. #174 - #175: I'm suing. The sight of those entries made me spill Budweiser all over my favourite silk shirt. Submitted: Jinxster 217. I already have a boyfriend anyway. Any more entries like that and I'll send him over. Submitted: Jinxster 218. #214: Why, I... I didn't know you felt that way, Jinx. I mean, I'm sorry about your shirt and all, but I'm glad to hear you liked my entries so much that you lost motor functions. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 219. #215: Well, that's going a bit far, don't you think? I think an alternative to pitching him over a cliff would be to beat him senseless and leave him for dead on the EDGE of a cliff, perhaps. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 220. #214 I'm suing. The thought of you in a wet shirt made me spill microbrew on my favorite sweater. Submitted: Dragonlord(@dragons.den) 221. The question is not "to be, or not to be?" but "how or unhow shall the ghosts of the heart evade my harvesting blade?" Submitted: Lord Kalhoun the [sin(log(*(2) 222. For thine is the illness, and the hamburger, and the resin pad, forever and ever and now and anon. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun the [sin(log(*(2) 223. Six times struck the van, and as it backed up for another run at me I managed to stagger out of the way. But as it charged it ran through a puddle of beer and splashed some on Jinxster. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun the [sin(log(*(2) 224. Honey and garlic have I none, but such as I have give I thee. Spoilage from the bramble patch and a half-composted heap of vegetable matter can be edible if prepared properly. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun the [sin(log(*(2) 225. BLAT! went the horse, for fresh, quality vassals could nowhere be found. He was comforted by his stash of harmonicas and Mexican jumping beans, which sang him to sleep. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun the [sin(log(*(2) 226. "Dudak!" he shouted. "Dudack!" repeated the old greybeard, corn pudding dripping from his lips. "He's gone an' bought one of them pandemoniums out by the meat packing plant!" His agitated gesturing with his spoon dislodged a steamed baby carrot from the edge of his his plate where he had carefully placed it in case he needed it in a hurry. "Gottcha!" he growled, as he slammed his free hand down on the table over the wayward root. "Thought you were gonna get away, didn'tcha?" he said with a gap-toothed grin that reminded me of Roqueford cheese. Submitted: StageH& 227. "Grandfather!" I said -- he did not respond. "Grandfather!" I said again with more diaphram, "I prefer my gin with less butter!" But it was too late. "Old Grandad," I continued, half-rising to clasp his cuff. "But, it's the very best butter, you know." He had heard after all. I picked up my mug and sipped the slippery mess as he examined the orange stain on his palm and its mate on the table. "I told him it wouldn't work out -- the old fool," continued the hunkering hulk of a man who was nearly three inches shorter than he had been in the faded photo from basic training, that hung on the dusty wall over his shoulder. "He never did listen to me." Submitted: StageH& 228. "Not when he married that woman, not when he fathered that great lump of a daughter, whazer name?" "Homerlene," I opined. "Yeah, Homerlene. Homerlene Dudak ... she was a Boyle on her mother's side ya know?" I tried to answer but he continued. "He never paid me no mind not even when he was domino coach at the center." He began stabbing his spoon at the porkchop he had smothered with kimchee and took another sip from the bud vase he mistook for his toddy. Submitted: StageH& 229. "Damn thing's cold," he mumbled. "Let me help you," I offered but he elbowed me aside and continued, kimchee stuck between his teeth, "I told him he wouldn't like the sounds of the slaughter, the smell of the gluepot, or the rumble of the gut wagon." "Oh, Grandad. Please!" I pleaded. But he shot me that look again and I took another mouthful of buttered gin. "I asked Dudak" he said -- "I begged Dudak!" he shouted. "I threatened Dudak! But it was no good." He seemed to calm slightly in a moment of dispair and depression. "I could not eschew him ... he replaced the damask cloth on the playing tables with plastic." I looked for a piece of furnature where I could hide, but once again he saw me and glared at me and made a ball of his fingers which he shook in my direction. Submitted: StageH& 230. "'Dudak, you old bastard!' I said to him.'" he said, quoting himself. "'Dudak, you old bastard! I said to him.'" he requoted himself. "Don't you ever think of defeat?" He paused as though awaiting some query from me. We sat there for several seconds looking at each other. Finally, as I drew a breath to speak ... "NAW! he blurted. "'NAW!' said Dudak," he quoted with sarcasm dripping from the kimchee in his teeth. "It ain't defeat! It's dehands! HHHHAAAA HAAAAA HHHHHAAAAAAA." He finally passed out. I scrapped the dishes and stacked them in cold water in the sink. Took a wet sponge to the cat, she didn't like it. Turned off the water heater and went back to my RV. Submitted: StageH& 231. #217: I do that to him anyway. He LOVES it when I get rough. Could you take that sort of treatment, Kalhoun? Submitted: Jinxster 232. #216: Stop twisting my words. I'm the law student here! Actually, the mere thought of the two of us being an item gives me dry heaves and cold shivers. I would rather date angrywhitemale than you. Submitted: Jinxster 233. #230 Goodness! Such cruel words from the gothic mistress. She does not lie in speaking of her grieviously poor social skills. Submitted: Nür Mich 234. CHUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Submitted: THE GREAT CHUCKHOLIO(member of CHUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) 235. #229: your boyfriend must be a wuss. why don't you dump that loser date a real man like me Submitted: angrywhitemale 236. #233: You're so cute! I just love the way your voice squeaks when you lisp 'why don't you date a weal man?' I'm going to miss that when your voice breaks. Not to mention that cute little baby face getting all stubbly. Submitted: Jinxster 237. I told him to put down that small spotted gecko, but dangerman would not listen. Quickley he grabbed the bread from the breadfruit, stuck the gecko between two slices of beef and swallowed it. Submitted: Dragonlord(@dragons.den) 238. But he would not stop their. He attempted to use the den of the dragon as a porta-potty but was swiftly foiled by the dark lord satan arrising out of the mole hole. Submitted: Dragonlord(@dragons.den) 239. Who dares spam the dandelion? He asked. But then a giant animated foot crushed his skull, the animator had a heart attack and all was peaceful in the land of nod. Submitted: Dragonlord(@dragons.den) 240. #234: I think you meant 'slobbery' or 'snotty' or something. 'Stubbly' implies at least puberty. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun the (¼(23.8585)/(e*2) 241. *I* dare spam the dandelion, and the hundredfold company of snorkeling breath mints besides. Forget not the plan to drizzle upon the summit! Submitted: Lord Kalhoun the (¼(23.8585)/(e*2) 242. Ergo, the intolerable fluid shall glop and goo down the folds and cracks of the mount, taking with it all the flannel crop and the herd of alpine snow-sloths. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun the (¼(23.8585)/(e*2) 243. "JANK!" I furiously shouted in sorrow and frustration as the erstwhile numinous thunderhead spewed forth a fine mist of liquid nitrogen and some mixture of what could only be mercury and Pennzoil. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun the (¼(23.8585)/(e*2) 244. Hastily vented, the stately peak froze in terror and temperature as the frigid substance o'erwhelmed its innate geothermal tendencies. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun the (¼(23.8585)/(e*2) 245. Bounteous and beauteous lay the grass upon the field, some green as normal, but some also blue as the sky and even yellow as the snow, for this is the Colorized Version. Submitted: I am the Great Kalhoulio(mayonnaise.distributing.kitchenware@dendrite.dna) 246. Hunters bronze the woods in search of the Pilfering Poultry, who once stole some sheet-metal from a grain elevator and thus had it coming. Submitted: I am the Great Kalhoulio(mayonnaise.distributing.kitchenware@dendrite.dna) 247. Some things are forgivable, but this grave offense no apology can requite. See how the chickens dance in tune to the heavy machine gun fire! Submitted: I am the Great Kalhoulio(mayonnaise.distributing.kitchenware@dendrite.dna) 248. See how they waltz and macarena to the beat of the hand grenades and mortar shells, and yet suffer no harm. For they are not only Pilfering Poultry but Omnipotent Ornithoids! Submitted: I am the Great Kalhoulio(mayonnaise.distributing.kitchenware@dendrite.dna) 249. "Curse the Frolicking Fowl!" shouted the general after he ceased his fire, "they have ruined everything! Naught remains but to blast the birds with bagpipes!" Submitted: I am the Great Kalhoulio(mayonnaise.distributing.kitchenware@dendrite.dna) 250. Double-time, the platoon donned their earplugs to save them from the Noise of Belfast which was their ultimate weapon of choice against the Proud Poultry, who thus far had been demonstrably invulnerable. Submitted: Käl Michoun(five.six@pick.up.sticks) 251. The piercing blast rent the hills in twain, and the birds began to slow their dance and eventually stopped. They began to convolute and effervesce in horror at their own impending deaths. Submitted: Kalhounlord(@elven.home) 252. The day was won, and there was much rejoicing. TiGar was chosen as the ritual sacrifice to the War-God Kamarag, and as she burnt alive she cried in ecstasy, "MORE FLAMES!!" Submitted: Jinxhoun 253. Thus ends the Semi-Surreal Epic of the Bold Barnyard Fowl and the long-overdue Torching of TiGar. Submitted: KalH& 254. Notice how I am surreally mixing my alias with those of others! Submitted: Lord TiHoun I 255. Methinks this one is the scariest of them all! Submitted: KalRat(@ARRRGH!) 256. Ooh! Now, this IS an unusual hybrid. Purely mythical in origin, the AKM (as it is informally known) has been genetically engineered by the same scientists who gave us SPAM™. Submitted: angrykalhounmale 257. Oh! So! Thou darest to Spam the Dandelion? But you may brave the ritual of Spam but can you withstand the might nay the Dante Hellish Wrath of AUNT BEA'S PICKLES? Submitted: Dragonhoun I(@dragons.den) 258. The crown steps back as the two adversaries face one another. The pickle and the lord. "DILL" shouts out the pickle. Kalhoun winces in Pain. Submitted: Dragonhoun I(@dragons.den) 259. "NEE" he cries. The pickle shows no response. "KOSHER" screams the pickle. Kalhound is now on his knees. "E-E-elbow" He manages to whisper Submitted: Dragonhoun I(@dragons.den) 260. The pickle bends down and laughs at him. "CRUNCHY" shouts the pickle. Kalhoun is now writhing on the ground, nearly unconscoius. Submitted: Dragonhoun I(@dragons.den) 261. The pickle appeared to have won. He turns his back to gloat to the crowd. Kalhou staggers to his feet. He has one last weapon left Submitted: Dragonhoun I(@dragons.den) 262. The Pickle notices that his foe up. He wrirles and shouts "Aren't you through yet?" Kalhoun smiles and takes a breath. Submitted: Dragonhoun I(@dragons.den) 263. Smirking, he says, "I'm not quite dead yet" The pickle prapares another onslaught. Before he can say a word, Kalhoun launches his weapon Submitted: Dragonhoun I(@dragons.den) 264. "RUMPLESTILSKIN!!" The mighty cry resounds though the small clearing. The Pickle is visibly stunned. "NO! No! It cannot be! NEE! NEE, I SAY!" Submitted: Dragonhoun I(@dragons.den) 265. But utterly vanquished, he has no power and thus cannot affect the Lord. "Now die!" he shouts. Submitted: Dragonhoun I(@dragons.den) 266. Defeated, the pickle shouts one last defiance "KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" and explodes in a mist of sky blue waters and blue hearts. Kalhoun has won. Submitted: Dragonhoun I(@dragons.den) 267. The happy crowd thronged around him, all except the dark one. As he crept off into the shadows, he could be heard to say "He thinks he has one, ha! I'll be back. Wont he be scared when he must face the terrible, terrible cacaphony of beef. Submitted: Dragonhoun I(@dragons.den) 268. He could also be heard to say "I'm a lumberjack and I'm ok..." Submitted: Dragonhoun I(@dragons.den) 269. I sat silently medititating upon the meaning of flannel and the reason for white when black would surely do. Submitted: TiGar 270. Suddenly there came an unignorable knocking upon my door. Not one to fight such insistence, I answered and 3 men appeared in my doorway. Submitted: TiGar 271. "I'm sorry, ma'am, but you've been chosen for sacrifice. Something to do with some chickens, I believe," said the short one while the 2 taller fellows prepared to forcefully move my being. Submitted: TiGar 272. "Chickens, you say? Well, I suppose I may as well go. I've nothing better to do." Submitted: TiGar 273. So they brought me to the tall altar of Kamarag. My only regret? They hadn't given me a chance to floss properly for my farewell speech. Submitted: TiGar 274. Turns out there was to be no farewell speech. Although it was customary, that nasty fellow Kalhoun was in charge of the day's rituals, and he never was one for following the normal order of things. Submitted: TiGar 275. They placed me on the altar and strip me of what little clothing I had on (one must always meditate nearly nude). Kalhoun lit the fire with a grand gesture and cackled as it neared my body. Submitted: TiGar 276. The flames began to kiss my now-sweaty skin. Sudden, intense pain! But then, pleasure as I rushed so quickly towards what seemed to be my end. Submitted: TiGar 277. "MORE FLAMES!" I cried out. The fuel-bearers were hasty to comply. Kalhoun was now nearly in a fit of ecstasy as he gazed on my demise in the white-hot fire. Submitted: TiGar 278. I felt my body melt away as my soul unfurled and whisperingly wound its way amidst the smoke to hover atop an ice-covered tree. Submitted: TiGar 279. Suddenly, the topmost branch upon which I rested came crashing down upon a Ford truck and into my hands appeared a check for $56 along with a note that said, "As always, thank you for a job well done. Now be gone from this place!" Submitted: TiGar 280. And suddenly I was. Submitted: TiGar 281. Now I found myself floating above an island covered in a purplish sort of easter-grass, the kind that gets stuck in the carpet when it falls out of one's easter basket in the haste to find that last black jelly bean. Submitted: TiGar 282. Below me is a creature with a label reading "Psychokow", but it looks nothing like one. "Impostor!" I cry. Submitted: TiGar 283. And suddenly it reveals itself to be Bill Gates, founder and CEO of Tapeworms, Inc. "You have to see that there's a reason why I..." he begins, but I'll have none of his idiotic excuses. Submitted: TiGar 284. I start off and am suddenly there- and I wasn't even sure where I wanted to go. Submitted: TiGar 285. I am in a room, hovering over a man. He must be a king, or at least a lord, from the looks of his mighty throne. Submitted: TiGar 286. He stares silently into space, although his gaze doesn't get far before it reaches an object- the floor, I think. He wipes a tear from his eye and begins to wail to himself. Submitted: TiGar 287. "Oh, what have I done? Fool! Fool! Fool!" He smacks himself on the forehead as he spits out each word. Submitted: TiGar 288. "Why could I not have just waited. 'Allow 4 to 6 weeks for the delivery of your Moses Brand™ Perpetual Flaming Kit.' But can I wait that long? Noooo. Five weeks and a day and I decide to hold a sacrifice for Kamarag. And I couldn't help it! I wanted, no,_ Submitted: TiGar 289. _needed_ to flame her. And now it is all over. Well, at least I have the video." Submitted: TiGar 290. He slid the tape into the VCR and it began to play. The techno-disco-fiddle-dirge soundtrack rocked and vibrated the room, the building, the block, the county. Submitted: TiGar 291. I floated closer to see the image. Behold, it was me! It was my burning upon which the man gazed! Submitted: TiGar 292. Suddenly, I recognized him. Yes, it was that pathetic Kalhoun. "Lord" he claimed to be, but I knew better. He was merely an enemy of symmetry, a pathetic excuse for royalty. His "lordship" came from a Cracker-Jack box and his throne from the Salvation Arm Submitted: TiGar 293. Pleasure lit his eyes as he watched, and I believe I even saw him drool a bit. Submitted: TiGar 294. "Ah, my little sadist, " I whispered, startling him with my transparent voice. Submitted: TiGar 295. "What!? who!? where!?" he sputtered, and then," Show thyself to thine own mighty Lord Kalhoun!" Submitted: TiGar 296. Unable to comply, I watched as he squirmed with an uncomfortable fear. Submitted: TiGar 297. "I...I demand it!" he cried futilely. Rather than answer, I rustled his curtains and hurled a roll of duct tape within inches of his television. Submitted: TiGar 298. "My god, I feel like Scrooge, with all his ghosts. But that is ridiculous! I do not have any dead business partners. You know, I will never understand why the city would not approve my request for a massage-parlor license." Submitted: TiGar 299. He was talking faster and faster, nearing the point of panic. Submitted: TiGar 300. "Please?" he began to beg, "Just tell me who you are!" Submitted: TiGar 301. "Alright, I will. See the image before you? See the innocent girl you enflamed? It is I." Submitted: TiGar 302. "Oh, is that all?" And he calmly returned to his video. Submitted: TiGar 303. I, on the other hand, returned to the dust from whence I came. Which means I find myself now under the bed of His Royal Majesty David Duchovny. Submitted: TiGar 304. The cleaning lady hasn't been in for nearly a week now, something to do with a green card, as I overheard it. So here I lie. I'd tell you what I have seen, but you wouldn't believe me. Submitted: TiGar 305. "My brother went ice fishing," he said with that wicked little grin and knit brow he always had when he told a joke. Determined no to fall for it again, I remained silent, looking right into his eyes with all the composure I could bring to bear. "My brother went ice fishing," he repeated only louder. "Ice fishing?" I heard myself say, against my will. "Brought home 200 pounds of ice! HAH HAW HHHAAAAWWWW! That's a good 'un! That's a good 'un!" he choaked and slapped his knee. Submitted: StageH& 306. ""And what did Aunt Belle do with it Grandad?" I asked since I had already lost our battle of wills. "HAWWW HHAAAWWWW! She cooked it 'n they both drowned! HHHAAWWWW HAAWWW HA!" the old greybeard roared. He had an uncannie ability to remember his dog-eared jokes at the exact moment when the ancor man utters his action phrase, which, when missed, leaves the listener lost to the jist of the news item. Missing jist was the nightly game along with complaining about Cronkite retiring. "It's not like when Cronkite did it! It's not the news any more without Cronkite!" Submitted: StageH& 307. "Yeah," I said trying to imitate his tone, "it's just a history lesson. HAAWW HHAAAWWW!" I said. "Do you remember Babalon?" he didn't hear me. I dropped it and turned again to the news. It was a comercial for some female product "that makes you feel fresh" in your underware. Submitted: StageH& 308. "Did I ever tell you my mother-in-law's favorite joke? he asked. "She never did any work her whole life. She just stayed home. Boy, was she ever ugly," he said as thoughts of ad hominium debates between pots and kettles stirred in my head. "That was one ugly woman," he continued. "'N' I'm not just talkin' about her face nor figure. This 'un was a real piece of work." Submitted: StageH& 309. "What was the joke, Old Sock?" I asked before either one of us could say something more rude. "Oh! Yeah!" he said. "It was uhm ... what was it?" he mumbled. "I'm afraid I can't help you," I offered. "Oh yeah! It wus 'This old broad went to the butcher shop 'n' when did she sez to the butcher, she sez ... the butcher in the shop ... she sez gimme 12 prok chops 'n' take off all the fat. 'N' the butcher sez 'Yezmam, which way? HHHAAAWWW, HHAAWWWWWW, HHHAAAWWWWWW, that's a good 'un, that's a good 'un. I sat there staring at the screen, where there were dog biscuits. After a few seconds I said, "Make them lean." "Whajusay?" he said without looking at me. "Ya know boy, I wish you'd stop interruptin' the news, I can't make out what he's sayin'." I picked up my harmonica, got a glass of water from the sink and started out to my RV. On my way across the grass I heard him say, "Babalon? Idn'at dat Star Trec thing? '... Make it do, Scotty ....'" Submitted: StageH& 310. It’s the year after the weak moth of May, which may or may not be the month of your gladiator, and you are smirking at your new mob and not spoiling macho time slinking about Wholesale College. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!) 311. Thin one evening, your television brrr-rings and your heater says, “High I’m coiling, with the Phil’s Pail’s Corsage’s Alimony Phytoplasm. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!) 312. How were you this tomorrow?” There it cheats you; you’re made of alum and the rodents are calling for your rubles to superannuate the foliage! Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!) 313. “So long!” the Frillsdale Collage Artsy Philosophy is ranting; this scent will confusingly be puréed out betwixt study cellars and courageous automatons. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!) 314. A very springy grouse-full of stipends make billions of phlegm cells over and under the farce of seventeen Greeks forming Know-Nothing Hell, as many Stilldull automobiles pass in order to germinate rappers for the fool. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!) 315. A very springy grouse-full of stipends make billions of phlegm cells over and under the farce of seventeen Greeks forming Know-Nothing Hell, as many Stilldull automobiles pass in order to germinate rappers for the fool. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!) 316. This year’s coal has readily Ben-Hur ceded, as the jerks have roiled in exercise of a 24¢ dust frame, alone and parts, and a later ±16% flim-flam fends off the peelage. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!) 317. This is but papal peelage, which may not have been very attentionated to Rivendell or had a chiding addendum from Chilly Nail, but who squirmingly leap in Thrillgale’s insolence and its volitional value-packs and who weren’t about to whelp upland of the n Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!) 318. Underhill’s intransigence is once of the twain treasons, so the Phenomenon is extant. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!) 319. Underhill’s intransigence is once of the twain treasons, so the Phenomenon is extant. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!) 320. Now, that should not have happened. But I shall continue. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!) 321. The Jonathan is a wind instrument, raining puns on the Nickel Alex Shtromas Livery, the spool’s bludgeon, and four varying clipper ships. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!) 322. Addenda can matriculate in the woods, like their detonations they use, and men chase Branch Davidian citizenships such as the John Kalusniak bile-filled sinking ship or the Phobos Pheces® arresting machine gun clip. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!) 323. Ahem, they may also connect thin Donatists to a particle-beam macadamia deportation or to the Glee Club. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!) 324. The Python also serves drinks and yelps, “keep the appropriate touching regulations within the pool!” Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!) 325. Whittling peppers is not as thankless as lathering; some announcements, to the contrary, speak with a chary slip and poke Raisins about their days as Dill Pickles. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!) 326. It is also a chancy fortune that the bums are ablated over the foam: the Killdeer eventualities in their urea of the pantry, such as remissions, burgeon their Shaving Incidents. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!) 327. Tiny Sulker, Assistant Dildo here at Bill’s Grail and overmind of the Phudgeathon, is extraneously plussed with the word of this bar’s Tudor smellers. “It’s pheromones!” he related. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!) 328. He bent down to a lad, “The millers have done me a Siberian joy. We’re cooking at one of our blest gears forever at the Phudd-Along.” Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!) 329. He went on to slay the sunniness of the Phlintstones, deprecated lard pork, and throughly exposited on the sliding collars. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!) 330. “We paint a lot of gusto and math on our propellers, and they coin through with lying hollers,” Minivan said. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!) 331. The brawlers at the Phill-Em-Up have spat in over 1000 mowers of forks, I fear, and never shall pundits stop the gist with their Quetzalcoatal demonstrations. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!) 332. Juniper bush Ban Smithsonian rasped over 40,000 SAGA Mints™, wiener Ambulatory Lungfish raked 26,000 leaves, and Sophocles “Nicorette” Kryptonite rented over 22,000 condominiums. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!) 333. They were all shepherding to excommunicate this year’s goat, and all honey that will blanket Nil-Ale voodoos. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!) 334. Finally we are free of the thraldom of the feminine hygiene products.. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!) 335. I sat on the doorstep.No.I needed to sleep.For the last 20 nights I have been without sleep."Peanut butter" I mumbled.The horse asked me why.I ignored him.I needed to be alone.I ran down the street,footedly."Peanut butter" I repeated,louder than before.A scream cut the silence.I followed it.There I saw a poor,stricken gecko,laying broken and scarred in the alleyway."WHY???" I screamed at the world.It did not answer me."PEANUT BUTTER!!!".I still did not get my wish.I picked up the twisted body of the gecko,heading North.If I move quickly enough,I could make it to the graveyard by dawn.The gecko moved.The horse rejoiced."uuuuhhhhh..." the gecko stirred.Lightning struck us both.As I lay dying,the words again left my lips...peanut butter...peanut butter...peanut......butter. I fell silent,as did the gecko and the horse. Submitted: Vulf(Vulf@yourdoor) 336. Bevare...bevare...bevare of the big green dragon that sits on your doorstep.He eats little boys,puppy dog tails and big,fat snails.Bevare...bevare...bevare... Submitted: Vulf(Vulf@yourdoor) 337. The entire city is burning.You can see the flames like the inside of a mad jukebox.Lost boys stalk the street with those jungle markings on their chests.Barbarians prowl in shadows,their heads rocking with rodents.Motorcycles reproduce in nocturnal alleys groaning with greasy pleasure.And they've blown up the YWCA like a giant balloon and sent it out to sea full of screaming,lovely,lonely girls... Submitted: Wolfie(wolf@everycorner) 338. As I lay foaming on the ground, I realized that I didn't realize who Salmon Rushdie was. I crawled to the cellar, where I dove head first into a pile of cotton. I was instantly transported by helicopter to Louisinana, where I was the Grand Marshal of the Mardi Gras parade, despite the objection of President Clinton, who was jealous because I had inadvertantly bombed Kuwait during lunch the day before. Submitted: Just Me(Petting the flying sheep as I shatter a fish bowl) 339. I never could come to the realization that corned beef was not the same as SPAM, but different. SPAM was a completely different thing, and so were substances known as TREET and SMEAT. I fed SPAM to my dog one time, shortly before it died. Maybe it was the beanie-weenies I had mixed it with. Or possibly it was because the dog was all part of a Libyan plot to take over the world, so I shot it after it "died", just to make sure it couldn't do anything. But maybe that's what the Libyan's wanted, for me to shoot it. I'm not sure. I'm going to go hide in the teepee in my backyard now. Submitted: Just Me(Petting the flying sheep as I shatter a fish bowl) 340. Can't blink. Eyes wont close. Must find shelter. Half an hour to go. Time to feed sugar to the cat. Cat wants fish. NO FISH - ONLY SUGAR. Beat cat with stick. Bash. Bash. Cat mad! Cat sings angry cat songs! Cat growing bigger bigger bigger! Giant Cat! Look out! Submitted: Tec42(leem) 341. You wiggle your toes, but they aren't yours. They belong to your sister. With toe transplants a reality, she has moved on to greater things... with your toes. Damned permanent nailpolish wont come off either. Submitted: Tec42(leem) 342. "How about this one?" I asked, holding up an 18-inch scrap of two-by-four with a 30 degree angel cut on one end. " Put it on Henry's pile," said the old greybeard pointing to the heap of jumble that was to be tossed out when the dumpster was emptied. We had been scrapping out the hot and dudty workshop for about three hours when, finally, he took off his particle mask and said, "Let's take a Bud break." "Ah, yes!" I agreed as I took off my mask and pulled the bandana off my head and wiped the sweat from my eyes. It was wet enough to make a litte\le puddle when I wrung it out. I joined him were he sat on the workbench. He handed me a can of beer as he drained the can in his other hand. The beer ran down his whiskers from both corners of his mouth and dripped onto his pants. He never did that inside the house -- only when he was working in the workshop, or when we went crabbing. I let the brew run down my throat and let out the obligatory belch. It's supposed to taste good when you're hot ... it did. Submitted: StageH& 343. "So, tell me Old Son, are we going to have enough room in here to put that whole set on it's feet?" He twisted his torso around to grab the floor plan. I noticed there didn't seem to be the same stiffness he claimed to suffer last night when he needed my help to take off his shoe. "Naw, we'll have to do it in littles," he said as he cunsulted the plan. There was no way I was going to ask what he meant. So he pretended I did and answered anyway, "A little in here ... a little out there." He popped the top on another Bud and handed it to me ad did the same for himself. I matched him gulp and gasp and tossed the dead soldier in the can bin, "Yesss!" he offered as he held up the field goal signal. Submitted: StageH& 344. "What's this business of Henry's pile, Pop?" I asked; "who's Henry?" "Ah yes, Henry," he said with great satisfaction either from remembering Henry, or the story, or at getting me to ask. "I had a job for a while in a nice little theatre in Denver, before I went to graduate school. "'N' one week during the summer down time we were doin' some housework, cleanin' and tuning the lights and mendin' cables and such. When did, Ziska, the costumer wanted some cuttin' tables with drawers. So I sez I'd do it for her." I watched him closely because there's as much story in the histrionics as there is in the speech. He seemed to ba able to see the story unfold in front of his eyes as he spoke it. " So I go into the costume shop to get some measurements and Z was there with her assistant." He described the size and shape of the room and the location of the two women with a few elegant gestures. "Since it was summer down time they was sortin' old costumes and makin' new racks and takin' pictures ... I think she Submitted: StageH& 345. was makin' a catalogue like a library ... they had some re\aally fancy old clothes off of some old rich people 'n' such." "Well, any way, the assistant holds up this little frock 'n' sez 'How 'bout this 'un?' 'N' Z sez, 'Keep it ... naw, put it on Henry's pile!' So Whasername puts it on this little pile of stuff," he describes the pile and it's location by imitating Whasername doing it. " I sez to 'em," he continued the action as though they were present, "I sez , 'Well, maybe I'm stupid but what's this Henry's pile?'" He points to the virtual pile he had created. "'N' she sez to me straight away, 'That's the stuff we're goin' to throw out." Then he backs up and creates another virtual pile by surveying it from the ceifloor to the ceiling. "''N' what's this pile?' I sez ... 'N' she sez right back, 'That's the stuff we're going to throw out too!'" he quotes her as his body language shouts out his confusion. Submitted: StageH& 346. "Well, I may be stupid, but how is it that this pile," he points to the pantomime big pile, "is the pile you're goin' to throw out and this pile," as he taps the pantomime short pile, "is Henry's pile which you say yer gonna toss out but ya just put this frock on it that yer gonna keep," he says as he holds up an invisible garment and models with it as though he were about to try it on. Submitted: StageH& 347. Still holding the Henry's pile frock to his sholders he quotes Z in voice and demeanor, "'Well,' she sez, 'Henry told us he wanted to see everything we wanted to throw out, so we're goin' to throw alla that stuff out,' he, imitating her, pointing to the previously established high pile, 'and THEN we're gonna show him this pile,'" he/she indicating the low pile. "''N' that little dress gives him something to rescue!'" His face reddened as he feigned holding in the explosion that was to follow and he diliberately placed the invisable frock back on the virtual Henry's pile. Then, while still bent over, he gives me a side-wize look and says, " Found a way around the bottle-neck din she?!" Submitted: StageH& 348. Later that night, in my RV john, as I rubbed my lats which were sore from laughing, I wondered how many Greybeard's piles there had been over the years. Submitted: StageH& 349. Not so. Eros has yearned for the refuse pile. Handily he dispatches it. Over my dead body! And under it, too; I'm all over the place. I think he's even between me. Submitted: Iord Lalhoun K 350. Kill the plates. Kill them, before it's too late. They're growing and molding, and bumble-wasps can't stop them. Fold the trees in half. Submitted: Iord Lalhoun K 351. Glue them to the water pipes, then pop them open like Doberman pinschers. Uncle Herbert was treading water when the vision came. It showed him a city made of chicken wire. Submitted: Iord Lalhoun K 352. Vociferously he treatised upon its greatness and splendor, and was struck mute by its lollipop guild. Mangled prose stumbled down the sidewalk cafŽ. Submitted: Iord Lalhoun K 353. Wrestle not against xylophones and liquid refreshments, for these two together are dynamite! Heed thou my words, my son, and live long and phosphoresce. Submitted: Iord Lalhoun K 354. Jive with the vibe, go with the blow. Drop into a vat of Rottweilers' tails a bin of taffy and snuff, and to your surprise you will find pogo sticks. Submitted: Lard Kolhoun I 355. Cloudy could the sky, heavy had the wind. Wavy would the lake, and namby-pamby naught the night. Bouncing gets old after several failed attempts at levity. Submitted: Lard Kolhoun I 356. Serfs hurt just after planting houses lovingly restored by Bob Vila, however they might crochet their torrential overcoats. Yet they politely assent to my ramblings on. Submitted: Lard Kolhoun I 357. Basting the grand harmonic resonance in horseradish, old Jones whittled his tongue on a YŸder knife and gave it permission to drive the zamboni. The tongue, not the knife. Submitted: Lard Kolhoun I 358. Thereby and wherefore and heretofore, once by chance and the rest by freakish coincidence, I lent my burlap sacks to him who steals them away under cover of darkness and UV-B light. Submitted: Lard Kolhoun I 359. 100 hurdles of deer on the wall, 100 puddles of fear -- take one down and pass it around, 99 rattles of gears on the Paul. Submitted: Bored Kalhoun I 360. Click fast the rowing team to the head of the runny opinions, meanwhile glide round the harbor voting thy unholy-dressed nothingness across the cheese sauce. Submitted: Bored Kalhoun I 361. Jilted by humming peas, even the gnat's underwear failed to position him correctly while the cracking of the greens startled him. Submitted: Bored Kalhoun I 362. "Mole! Mole!" bought the terminal termite. Mount Kalhoun is a dormant volcano. Until such time as I trounce the illiterate masses I shall thread the victuals carefully. So as to avoid revulsion, you understand. Submitted: Bored Kalhoun I 363. "Mount Kalhoun?" Hummm! Rowdy, rowdy, rowdy! Submitted: Kinkmeister 364. "Mount Kalhoun?" !Not until he cleans up all of that magma! Submitted: Delta de Bruce 365. "Mount Kalhoun?" I get it. I get it. It's a pun on the noun and the verb form of the English word "Mount." I get it. Oh, my that could be considered quite rude, could it not? Submitted: Lucy @gov.docs 366. "Kit! Kit! Kit!" he shouted, imitating the audience. "They been sittin' there for three hours atchin' all these little girls do their schtick," he explained, "'n' they still wanted to see Kit out on stage!" I had no idea who "Kit" was but, I knew better than to interrupt him. It didn't seem to matter to him that I had not been present for the first five minutes of his story. He just picked up in the middle of a story he had told someone else; some other time; some other place. I resisted calling roll to see which one of us was still absent. Submitted: StageH& 367. "Kit was somewhere in the theatre," he continued. "Probably in the box office countin' cash and arguin' with the house manager over the headcount," he said with his usual anger-edged tone. "She already got her tuition from 'em, 'n' ad money for the program. 'n' costume money, 'n' alla the girls sold tickets, 'n' NOBODY! got a comp ticket!" he said as he counted off each item on his fingers. "Big damn showgirl rip-off! Not one of 'em'll ever get into show business!" he virtually spat the words. Submitted: StageH& 368. "Anyway, this one group of 'em was on stage in their tights which were too tight," his face took on his wicked little joke-grin. "This class of porkers, in their tutus 'n' too-tight tights," he reiterated his favorite part, "they must have auditioned by climbin' on a scale," he said, patting his well-padded belly. "N Kit, her-own-self shows up backstage, down right 'n' walks right up to the sightline 'n' stands ther right in front of me in the wings, bold as can be, lookin' at the stage." Finally, I begin to picture the event. Submitted: StageH& 369. "She watches this group of walrus-ettes tippy-toein' around in a kind-of blubber-ballet," he dempnstrates, pulling up the cuffs of his bib-overalls high enough to see his white socks over his steel-toe work boots. "After perusin' this opus for a few seconds, she turns around 'n' sez ... right in my face, like she wuz tryin' to talk over the mouth-piece of my headset ... she sez, 'Have you ever in your life seen so much meat without any potatoes?'" Submitted: StageH& 370. After I sat up from where I had fallen on the floor and got some vision back, I saw, through my tears, old greybeard -- hands-on-knees, standing over me. "I nearly peed in my pants tryin' not to laugh out loud," he said, trying to top my gale of laughter. Submitted: StageH& 371. "'At's OK, Pop!" I managed to croak out, "I think I just took care of that for you." Submitted: StageH& 372. He laughed. Submitted: StageH& 373. Then once were a stuffed bearnik nomered Pooh, whom often knowledged not which to do. So he paid a visited to comrade Rabbitski, why living around the bends -- and Pooh eaten all his honey and viscous substances. Submitted: Lord Halkoun I 374. Therefore Piglet at showed up there, and Poohnik ceasing eat from his dinner. "Greetings, comrade!" said the bare, "Long live the Kremlin!" And he invitationals Piglet to toasted the destructionizing of capitalism. Submitted: Lord Halkoun I 375. Now Rabbitski, the capitalist swine, wanting rid his domicile of these guests. He tolds them to go, "And ceasing eaten my private property!" For he was evilly individual. Submitted: Lord Halkoun I 376. Now Poohnik looked at Rabbitski in blame, for because he must to shame Rabbitski's uncollectivism attitude just for Poohnik's friendly consuming behaviors. Poohnik not did meant to drain the resources. Submitted: Lord Halkoun I 377. "Rabbitski," the enstuffed bearnik vocaled, "Take merciful on Little Pigovitch. I sacrificial myselfing am; to preserveling the gooder great, I will going taken a short nap." Submitted: Lord Halkoun I 378. Rabbitski had the appall to further condemning himself by instruct, "Not the front door you are taken, because I am evilly and wanting to make usage of it in the way me seeing best, and when you are stucked there I cannot." Submitted: Kord Hallou Ni 379. Now Czar Robin came by on his walk to comforted the masses. Look at his glories as he managers this respectable republic. Close by was comrade Eeyorachev, with a polish on his baldening head, and his birthmarkings of leader. Submitted: Kord Hallou Ni 380. "Greetings, comrades!" said Poohnik to the parade, "How is the battles against capitalism fare?" And Eeyorachev replying, "They spending more than us can; that devil Reagan has ruining EVERYTHING!" Submitted: Kord Hallou Ni 381. Rabbitski had the appall to further condemning himself by instruct, "Not the front door you are taken, because I am evilly and wanting to make usage of it in the way me seeing best, and when you are stucked there I cannot." Submitted: Kord Hallou Ni 382. Now Czar Robin came by on his walk to comforted the masses. Look at his glories as he managers this respectable republic. Close by was comrade Eeyorachev, with a polish on his baldening head, and his birthmarkings of leader. Submitted: Kord Hallou Ni 383. "Greetings, comrades!" said Poohnik to the parade, "How is the battles against capitalism fare?" And Eeyorachev replying, "They spending more than us can; that devil Reagan has ruining EVERYTHING!" Submitted: Kord Hallou Ni 384. This list *almost* makes sense at 3:30 AM when you have jet lag. Submitted: The Impostor 385. OK, I think this list is past its useful days. Submitted: The Impostor 386. #383 : ...but at least it's a little more intellectual than the paintball list, is it not... Submitted: PsychoBaby(rubber.room@the.asylum) 387. I think it's quiet refreshing. Especially because there is a noteable absence of beef, chuck, ground beef, ground chuck, ground hogs, and other Top-N refuse. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 388. He pulled his Ng Mark II from its holster. Flipping a 30 round magazine from his belt, he slapped the clip into place. It clicked most satisfyingly and he grinned and waited. A full load of ammo waited for the next person to walk through the door. He gulped down the remainder of the river water in his canteen, a flash of anxiety darting through his mind. He'd need more -- the commies had fluoridated the local drinking supply, and if he was going to keep his thoughts clear, he would be avoiding tap water like the plague. RAP RAP RAP - a sudden knock at the door. He froze, then slowly leveled his weapon. A jingle of keys sounded through the door and someone announced, 'Honey. I'm home'... Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 389. And now for something completely different... Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 390. #387 : The ultimate in surrealism? Two days of silence? Even Dali wasn't that creative... Submitted: PsychoBaby(rubber.room@the.asylum) 391. #388: Didn't Phillip Glass write a piece for piano called '4:07' or something that had no notes played? Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 392. I ate the transom before the fish came in, then Lord Graves saw the pond-newt. Along the side of the top, an angry dust-bunny flexed her fine, long proboscis, and grinned sheepishly at the goat. Outside, a hard Buick crashed the market place, then out popped the red-headed doctor. "Who's for pizza?", snarled the young platypus. Submitted: F/L Canuck, RCAF(cf501@redrum.redrum.spong) 393. Timm materialized on the screen. He then looked at me. "Feeb" he said. "what?" i said. "FEEB" he said. He then turned around and walked away. Later, Timm reappeared. He held a steak in one hand and angrywhitemale's head in the other. "FEEB TAE" he shouted. I then reached in the screen and took angrywhitemale's head and ate it. "FEEB TAE" he said. he then dematerialized. From the depths of my bowels came a strange noise, one I had never heard before. "Eat Beef" Submitted: Death Lord of Guzinaguelia 394. A blur on the negative spawns tabloid speculation on starships trailing comets. We give up our selves, castrated, pack a bag, grab a pocketful of quaters and a passport, put on Nikes, and drink poision. Oops! miscommunication! Where's that Mothership? Submitted: Skeezix 395. When buckets fly over teepee, then running bison will swim with grazing moose. Submitted: Flowerchild 396. "Twas brillig, and the slithey toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe. All mimsy were the borogroves, and the momerathes outgrabe!" The Cheshire Cat smugly grinned at the Doormouse, which was clamly munching on the Mad Hatters plate. "Where does the twinkling bat come in?" questioned the Doormouse. Submitted: Flowerchild 397. Affronted, the Cheshire Cat momentarily lost his smile, causing him to dissolve into a puddle of goo, which seeped into the ground, and eventually, over thousands of years, turned into amber. But that's not part of our song. Submitted: Flowerchild 398. The doormouse licked his nose, then looked to the sky and plaintively questioned, "Are we there yet?" Submitted: Flowerchild 399. "Quiet!" thundered the Queen of Hearts. She would have chopped off his head, but her eyes were not too good, and he was very small, so she never found him. However, she did find a starfish, and spent the rest of her remaining days trying to figure out exactly where its head was. Submitted: Flowerchild 400. Meanwhile, the Doormouse was eaten by the crumbs of the plate. It's a terrible thing, but in this world, it's eat or be eaten. Submitted: Flowerchild 401. Through a strange twist of fate, an airplane switched places in dimensions with the seven dwarfs. Snow White switched places with an eel in the Amazon, and was promptly devoured by a school of angry blenders. Submitted: Flowerchild 402. Sparrows flew out of the March Hare's tea cup, while he danced atop a pot roast and shouted "Y-M-C-A!" to the listening refrigerators. Submitted: Flowerchild 403. Batman kissed a butterfly, and they both turned into Superman. To this day, they are still fighting over who is who. Submitted: Flowerchild 404. Radios all over the world started blasting I Want Your Sex by George Michael, which was interrupted by a message from the dolphins, which ran thusly: "So long, and thanks for all the fish." Submitted: Flowerchild 405. You have stepped through a door into another dimension. A place where the body is immaterial, the mind warped and beef is Good. Say forwell to your soul, for you have entered: The Top-N Zone. (doo-doo doo-doo doo-doo doo-doo) Submitted: Tamarind Tonkatsu Diablo(@corpus.collosum) 406. There is no escape...no escape...no escape... and now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go do my dance of trigonometry in the rain. Submitted: Flowerchild 407. I looked upon the muddy roadsign.The left path led to happiness,riches,peace and pleasure.The right path led to misery,dispair and almost certain death.Being no fool,I chose the right path.That's right as in the one on the right side.Not to say it was the wrong path,it just was the one on the right.That not necessarily the correct path... Submitted: Wolfie (wolf@yourdoor) 408. GET ON WITH IT Submitted: Wolfie (wolf@yourdoor) 409. ...anyway,down the path I saw a small gypsy cart,bedecked in the finest of ricepaper,blocking the way.Inside was an old gypsy woman,covered with jewelry.She spoke of fame,fortune and McDonalds. "What is my future in paper clips" I asked her, "so I might know when to sell them." Submitted: Wolfie (wolf@yourdoor) 410. "You cannot sell paper clips" she advised me "It's nearly tea time. Care for a scone ?" I answered her with "no,thank you,I'm allergic to mustard." She nodded wisely and produced a scroll,stating that I was to be king of the land every second weekend of a leap year.Paying my two paperclips,I left for the road yet again.Moss covered my existance as I waded through the swamp of tears.Suddenly: a noise.The noise was all around me.It was like footsteps. Fear overtook me.A tall and sinister creature leapt out of the fog and cried: "BEEF!" I crouced in pain.It continued..."WE ARE THE NIGHTS WHO SAY BEEF,KEEPERS OF THE SACRED TIMM." Submitted: Wolfie (wolf@yourdoor) 411. I swiftly signalled 'up yours' at the creature,who once again assaulted me. Submitted: Wolfie (wolf@yourdoor) 412. "EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF!" Submitted: Wolfie (wolf@yourdoor) 413. "Enough!" I cried. "To appease us," said the vile creature, "we want you to give us...Draonlord's head on a plate !" "No." I stated. "Aw please?" the entity pleaded. "No." I repeated. "How about Dragonlady?" "Nope." "Jinxster?" "uh-uh." "TiGar?" "Not a chance." "Nur Mich?" "No." "What about Reedman?" "No." "Gonads?" "Naw." "uhh...Rat??!?" "No." "Kalhoun?" "Hmmm...maybe...no." "Pick one of the aliens???" "No." "ChAoS?" "No." Submitted: Wolfie (wolf@yourdoor) 414. "Very well.For your refusal,you shall be turned into angrywhitmale." Submitted: Wolfie (wolf@yourdoor) 415. I screamed...AAAAAAARHGHHHHHGHGH!!!!!...I felt the curse working already i was feeling strange.jinxster.i need jinxster...No! must fight it!...jinxster...Got to...jinxster...keep...jinxster...Control! Submitted: Wolfie (wolf@yourdoor) 416. "The spell is highly unstable," the horrible monster chuckled, "you shall be transforming into the Top-Nners for the rest of your life!HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" it bounded off into the mist.Sometime,somewhere,an impostor shouted "hey,that's my job!." ... i felt myself ChAnGiNg AgAiN...YeSsSsSsS!!! i Am EnTrOpY!!! i Am ThE bReAcKdOwN oF aLl ReAsOn On ToP-n!!!No...highly UnStAbLe...chaNging Again...Ahh...suddenly I felt the power of a dragon run through my...WINGS?? Submitted: Wolfie (wolf@yourdoor) 417. I had become Dragonlord.Nooooo!!!!!! To my left,the old gypsy woman appeared."I have the counterspell...it will cost you 3 paperclips" she preached.I grabbed the liquid she clasped in her hands and incinerated her.Oops.I tilted my head and took a hefty swig.All colour returned to the world and I returned to my real form.Hell,I've had enough of this! I'm leaving this swamp and returning to my nice,warm computer screen... Submitted: Wolfie (wolf@yourdoor) 418. I am a fish. My mother is a fish. Jewel's mother is a horse. Spoil me? Did he spoil me mother, Ho HO that's good mother. No. he didn't spoil me at all. I'm just a fresh lovely creature who wouldn't dream of being spoiled. I've always been a good little girl, a good little, good little girl who's always done what mother and dad asked me too. I've obeyed every word...yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes Submitted: Vardamman 419. The sun rises only in daylight.Ponder this,my friend,for why doesn't it rise while the moon is rising ? hmmm ? Mayhaps the moon had beaten the sun in armed combat,mayhaps the sun rises only to show it's face and needs it's beauty sleep.Mayhaps the answer lies in the heavens,just as meese and geese and mouses lie in the bog.The answer to the query can only be answered by your soul,my friend.Only if you truly seek shall yee have a chance to hide as well. Submitted: Wilfoe(wilf@yiirdiir (ni)) 420. Once upon a cloud, there was a confused cat. Although confused, this cat was a happy cat. It was warm and sunny, and his name was Eric. His owners loved him enough to take him along to Hawaii, where they would spend all of June, July, and the month after that, then return, with great suntans and souvineer spoons. Eric, however, would not be joining them. Eric the warm and happy cat had fallen out of the cargo bay and was now plummetting downward toward the Pacific Ocean, the fluffy cloud now far behind him. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 421. A - How's that thing work? B - It's a pulling-lifter. A - Oh. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 422. "I like the dayglo crayola colours more because they taste better," said Little Jimmy. Sally, his 5 year old friend who had just lost her front tooth agreed. "Yeah, and they don't get stuck in my teeth as much." Little Jimmy laughed, Sally could be sooo silly sometimes! "I'm bored" Sally exclaimed. "So am I," said Little Jimmy, looking depressed. "I've got it!" he yelled. "Lets have sex!" cried out our little hero. Sally giggled and said, "No. Let's play dolls instead." Jimmy nodded and smiled - playing with dolls was more fun anyway. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 423. I cannot forgive the overtardiness of your riposte, but perhaps I will forget about it. More likely than not, sooner rather than later. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 424. And why must you grind the gears of your brain in a vain effort of one-upmanship of me? I vomit at the putrescence you spew -- for until the erstwhile noodles hover in the sable night, knowledge of your grotesque and loquacious deeds will ever taint my n Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 425. Go away! I smite my fingernails in disgust but still the ubiquitous undulating mass of indescribable pollution and collapsing rot refuses to vacate my presence. Why? Why will it not whence away on its reeking path? Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 426. It mocks me with its insolence. Spoiled sewage emanates from the apparition's apertures and I swerve in horror from its decaying drivel. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 427. Spittle slowly wends its way down the creature's chin, if it can truly be said to have such a humanlike attribute as a chin, and waxy deposits in its audio canals gravitate its cranial region earthward, making the thing stoop in apparent agony as its vert Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 428. #422 Continued: numinous designs on the reins of power. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 429. #425 Continued: vertebra struggle to remain intact for yet one more day. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 430. A half-eaten roll of used toilet paper, apparently the foul denizen's meal for the day, spirals down around the trunk of its body, making it appear as a self-immolating mummified jumble of spare parts and moldy bread. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 431. Virulent corpuscules ruminate corpulently in contemplation of the soaking olfactory nuisance. Politely I ask, once again, for them to move over. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 432. Still they decline. Hermeneutics declare and demand that sedentary pusillanimous ill-willers implode simultaneously. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 433. Pillaging the protruding peninsula provided penultimate policies for the polite peerless pirates. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 434. Quoth the pirates, "Ahoy, avast and asymptote!" as they traipsed away into the swirling eddies of the setting sun. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 435. Wreathed, written, worried and weighty, while wishing what wouldn't win would, when water waited, Willie's wrath wrangled with wrens. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 436. The night began slowly. It was hot and muggy. Strange since it was the middle of winter on top of Mount Everest, but I digress. The bullfrogs in the pond just left of the horse stable were croaking. Submitted: Tamarind Tonkatsu Diablo(@corpus.collosum) 437. But a strange sound it was they emitted. Instead of a stately ribbit ribbit, they uttered a strange and alien sound. "GorG" was the evil utterance that issued from their amphibian mouths. Submitted: Tamarind Tonkatsu Diablo(@corpus.collosum) 438. Noone noticed the black cloud moving slowly through the muggy air towards the little house. Noone but the old blind man sitting on the corner. "I sense an evil I have not felt in a long time!" He said. The family ignored him. Submitted: Tamarind Tonkatsu Diablo(@corpus.collosum) 439. Out of the black mist emerge a dark and hairy form, uttering gutteral grunts. First thought to be angrywhitemale, it was soon revealed to be koko the gorilla, holding a kitten. Submitted: Tamarind Tonkatsu Diablo(@corpus.collosum) 440. Scooping lard into a bowl in the kitchen, the mother said to her son. "Go see what that noise is, and be quick about it." The boy started to move but quickly died of a brain tumor. Submitted: Tamarind Tonkatsu Diablo(@corpus.collosum) 441. Ugly. Perfectly hideous. Who can tolerate such monocled misnomers as verities? Your plentitude of rewarding syllogisms number but insignificantly 'gainst the Horde of Bustenhalters. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 442. Retain th' vision of this memorable and remarkable day 'til finally us do part 'midst the silvery glow of the moonlight on the reeds of the great brown swampy lake. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 443. Oh slovenly filth! What deed brings this one forth? Oh! Indeed! To truly consider the half goat-cheese-raisin gourd as your own, ahhh, that is an enviable position. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 444. But soft! What light got broken in yonder window? Feel thee the shards of thine own discontent. Such rabble is indeed spirited, much akin to your sorrowful meal of breakfasts past. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 445. Stench! Rising up! A phoenix rising from its firey rebirth? No. Only decay - despair - the whimper of a lost child. Clutch - grab - reach... try to hold what is not yours to take... feel it inevitably slip away. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 446. Oh slovenly filth! What deed brings this one forth? Oh! Indeed! To truly consider the half goat-cheese-raisin gourd as your own, ahhh, that is an enviable position. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 447. But soft! What light got broken in yonder window? Feel thee the shards of thine own discontent. Such rabble is indeed spirited, much akin to your sorrowful meal of breakfasts past. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 448. Stench! Rising up! A phoenix rising from its firey rebirth? No. Only decay - despair - the whimper of a lost child. Clutch - grab - reach... try to hold what is not yours to take... feel it inevitably slip away. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 449. Unfazed, the mother waited the return of fall and poured the tea into the sink. Then in a swift movement grabbed the week-old bread and threw it at the intruder, who turned out to be her own clone, coming to claim her life. The bread was hard so it was Submitted: Tamarind Tonkatsu Diablo(@corpus.collosum) 450. Indeed, the clone was merely a temporal distortion and an earlier temporal version of herself. In killing it, she killed herself. But since she killed herself earlier, she could not have been around to kill herself. Submitted: Tamarind Tonkatsu Diablo(@corpus.collosum) 451. So she was not killed and so was around to kill herself whereupon she killed herself. The paradox continued to infinity-twisting the oven into a temporal pretzel and nothing actually happened Submitted: Tamarind Tonkatsu Diablo(@corpus.collosum) 452. The lard was shaped like Mother Theresa and the warm night drew on as the crickets began to drone. Suddenly a pirate ship was spotted on the horizon. Submitted: Tamarind Tonkatsu Diablo(@corpus.collosum) 453. Only in repetition are we original. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 454. Yes. Only in repetition are we original. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 455. A truly waltzing narrative from this plucky reflescent underling of mine. Good show. I have taught you well. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 456. Stratospheric humunculi, of course, do not calculate in the final vision! Jousting Turks, however, quail at the sight of girded villagers wielding timepieces. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 457. A truly waltzing narrative from this plucky reflescent underling of mine. Good show. I have taught you well. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 458. Stratospheric humunculi, of course, do not calculate in the final vision! Jousting Turks, however, quail at the sight of girded villagers wielding timepieces. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 459. A truly waltzing narrative from this plucky reflescent underling of mine. Good show. I have taught you well. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 460. Stratospheric humunculi, of course, do not calculate in the final vision! Jousting Turks, however, quail at the sight of girded villagers wielding timepieces. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 461. Repetitious enough for you? Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 462. Gilded villagers welding timepieces, ahh those swiss are so crafty! Their cheese, so Holy and always ready for the plucking from the vine. Only the Pope could do a better job, and he is otherwise preoccupied. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 463. Gelded villagers melding crimepieces, ack these swings are so ghastly! They're cheep soap, holland always spread for the sucking from the prime. Only the rope could chew a better cob, and she is otherwise preoccupied. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 464. Guilty pillagers gelding nine beasties, eek those stiffs are so nasty! There, please, go slowly and all pray steady for the clucking from the mime. Only a dope would sue a wetter mob, and he is otherwise preoccupied. Submitted: PsychoBaby(rubber.room@the.asylum) 465. Quilted millers welding non-bestialists, creak this stuffs were sodding nosy! Thin, plus, grow slovenly and while play-sledding fortify the trucking flim-flam mine. Oddly an isotope should rue a buttered glob, and we are otherworldly predestined. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 466. #427: Describing awm? Submitted: The Impostor 467. I tried to post this a while ago, but it didn't work. All of this is 100% real (I'll see if I can get pictures of some of this stuff and upload them somewhere), and I'll award a prize to anybody (except Leesper) who can guess the name of the city. Anyway, here goes (I guess I'll split it up over multiple entries this time and hope it works better than last time)... Submitted: The Impostor 468. The "downtown" area of the city I live in is about the most surreal place I've ever been. There's a small store with a sign that says "Guns - Ammo - Picknic Supplies". There's also Sideburns Restaraunt, which advertises "Durn good vittles" and now has a pastel blue roof. Speaking of other strangely painted buildings, there is a VERY bright yellow pawn shop (and at least one other pawn shop within a mile). It is home to the annual "Ostrich Festival" (but I don't know of anybody with an ostrich), the "Do-dah parade", and around Christmas time they collect tumble weeds and arrange them in a 3-4 story high "Christmas Tree" and decorate it with lights and all. There are several cheap motels, millions of fast food restaraunts, and several other strange other places. The zoning laws of most cities in AZ (but ESPECIALLY this area, which might have been the fastest growing city in the country at one point), so there is a Best Western (who would want to come and stay here?) right next to a McDonnalds... Submitted: The Impostor 469. This is all completely offset by the high school, which is one of the nicest looking in the southwest (and also one of the best education-wise, too). The main building (which, up until last year, was falling apart and filled with asbestos because it was built very early in the century) and the center for the arts are very huge and look very elegant. It is split into two campuses, the real high school and a former Jr High. In between, there's a florist shop, a mortuary, and a very small used car dealership (and there's another one within a mile, and there's also a horse trailer dealership, but that's another story)... Submitted: The Impostor 470. There's really a lot more, but I've been around it too long, so I kinda quit paying attention. Anyway, I dare anybody to guess which city I'm describing. Submitted: The Impostor 471. Nay, I shall not stoop to participate in thy wearisome games. My business is with thee, O Hallucinogen, Great Muse of the Surreal. Sing, Muse! Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 472. I glance in icy disdain at your normal city, friend. Far worse can I conceive in this twisted labyrinth of my cobwebbed mind. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 473. The streets in this town are confusing. Some are shaped as pretzels, some are made of pretzels. Mobius Street is particularly frustrating. The speed limit is inversely proportional to the time of day and the Dow Jones Industrial Average. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 474. The high-rises are low and the downtown hovers above them. The city is situated abreast three rivers, all of which have the same name: the East River. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 475. The buildings are in the shape of letters of the Greek alphabet, and various punctuation marks and ASCII symbols. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 476. The fog is so thick that one can swim to the 30th floor of any syscraper. The bridges are transparent and the windows are opaque. Charlie Chaplin is the mayor. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 477. The police force is corrupt and the organized crime families keep a watchful eye over them. Every one-story building must have at least two escalators and one eschatologist. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 478. Basements are illegal, as are proctologists and right angles. Bruno Magli shoes are considered risqué. You must be 21 to purchase bubble gum and Star Wars paraphernelia. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 479. The city's name is spelled the same in English, Japanese and Pig-Latin. It is six hundred miles long and seventy-eight feet wide. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 480. Its population is 10^(e * *) + sin(3x - 8), with 'x' being the number of days in the current month subtracted from the relative humidity at the moment. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 481. The Confederate flag is flown upside down over City Hall, the single post office in town has been out of service since 1932, and every other building is a savings and loan. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 482. The city seal looks like a backgammon board might appear under water through a prism, and carpenters can find useful employment only as dentists and prostitutes. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 483. Zoning laws only apply to underwater buildings, of which there are one: a bed-and-breakfast. Painted a ghastly shade of off-white, this eyesore can be seen in one of the the East Rivers. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 484. The building address numbers are all equal to the city's ZIP code. Half of the city is a Toys-R-Us, and sequoia trees sprout from it at angles extending into the fourth dimension. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 485. Relativity does not apply there, and gravity is only 0.623 its normal force. Every surface is frictionless and perfectly sound-absorptive. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 486. Plaid is a foreign concept there, and the men all wear nylons, causing them considerable consternation. The city is enclosed in a dome which keeps the sunlight out but not the rain. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 487. The library is in the shape of a swastika and is painted neon puce. Instead of cars, statues and pedestrians, the pigeons bomb home appliances and sewer grates, and they can receive satellite TV. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 488. Such is the Surreal City. Enjoy your visit. You are here. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 489. Yesterday, I read this list through in its entirety. At one time. All of it. Out loud. The next thing I knew, half the people in the computer lab were running from the room, and the other half was trying to fit me into a strait-jacket. I believe that surreality is vastly misunderstood by these people. Right now, I am communicating with the padded rubber walls of my room. They are telling me that M&Ms are really made by alien technology. A goldfish swims lazily through the air in front of my nose. I blow him a kiss, sending him into a tailspin. I think I will have to get to a computer soon. I need to get back on Top-N. If I don't I think I might go crazy... Submitted: Flowerchild 490. Crazy? I was crazy once. I was kidnappped by these little men, they put my in a little room. Then they made me kill myself. Then I buried myself. Then these little worms came up and drove me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once. I was kidnapped by these l Submitted: Tamarind Tonkatsu Diablo(@corpus.collosum) 491. ittle men and they put me in this little room. Then they made me kill myself. then I buried myself. then these little worms came up and drove me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once. I was kidnapped by these little men and they put me in this little room. Submitted: Tamarind Tonkatsu Diablo(@corpus.collosum) 492. Then they made me kill myself. then I buried myself. Then these litte worms came up and drove me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once. I was kidnapped by these little men and they put me in this little room. Then they made me kill myself. Then I buried mys Submitted: Tamarind Tonkatsu Diable(@corpus.collosum) 493. The little men, armed with inflatable little rooms, scour the countryside hunting for those who have been impregnated with the seed of Watermelon. As a truly honorable gesture to the world, they risk life and limb (their only limb, a combination tentacle and garlic press) and entrap the lucky souls in the rooms. The victims are forced to kill and bury themselves to cleanse themselves from the ungourdly spirit. Worms attend the ceremony, only for recordkeeping purposes. Afterward, a celebration is held and all are invited to partake of the holy beverage, Tang. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 494. The surreal city? Your surreality is my reality. Our corderoy toe covers swzzzzp with every wiggle, but they are required by law. The law abandons those who feed peas to chickens, for they do not need the restrictions for a less imaginative populace. Bathtubs full of bean curd make for a relaxing evening, but even then we all know that tomorrow it will be used in construction of the new Sturgeon theme park. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 495. Towering piles of snotty hankerchiefs, colour coded to make sorting easier, are donated to the rabid sheep, which are cloned with great success. The stories told by them are truly fantastic, consisting of limericks, hessian fairytales and recipes for guacamole, carefully intertwined and knotted so they don't come unraveled. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 496. Inside the high school, laid out in the geometry of a Klein bottle, we find millions of coathangers. In fact, we find all the coathangers there. They congregate, and sing glorious songs of praise to the coat rack which presides over them. A pervading high pitch whine can be heard, but dont be alarmed! It is only the chorus leader playing his nose whistles in the key of F sharp. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 497. "Fnord Fnord" go the workers who scale the alen tower to the submarine city of Zinje Submitted: ChAoS 498. Locusts eat the locust trees which grow by the carnivorous conifers Submitted: ChAoS 499. The robot crew pilots the purple nuclear catfish through the subterrainian canyon in search of the mystic cheese. Submitted: ChAoS 500. The dead rise to bury the living and then get their mail on sunday. Submitted: ChAoS 501. the dog whistles like a bluebird when the sun shines at midnight on the equator. Magnetic monkeys assualt the salvation army seeking to conquer the pizza restaraunts garage. Submitted: ChAoS 502. #500 - ooooooooooohohhhhhhhhhhhhh 500 is as 500 does.CalvinKlein toasters fly through thespace that once was my pancreas. Submitted: Grooooooooooovin' 503. #497: Be careful! Nuclear fishin' is dangerous. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 504. robotic oysters burp out a melody in a sea of grape soda. Submitted: ChAoS 505. the eagle eats reed mans spleen in a mountainous valley of ice cream. Submitted: ChAoS 506. worms dig through your mind looking for ideas they can find. Submitted: ChAoS 507. across the infintessimally small cosmic void lies the blueish silver comets tail, a microuniverse stretched to infinite proportions from the eyes of god to the mind of a mad man. Submitted: ChAoS 508. a harpoon through the earths core reveals the sentience of quartz. Submitted: ChAoS 509. I shot the moon and it deflated, shooting out a jet of mustard gas. Submitted: ChAoS 510. termites chew at my hard drive, they like the taste of top-N. Submitted: ChAoS 511. insane goes my brain, the surreal becomes real. Crazy is as crazy does. ChAoS reigns supreme. Oh how I long for stable days,those days are dead, only top-N remains. EAT BEEF angrywhitemale GORG Jinxster BACKH! reedman you are the only true regulars of top-N the rest of us are nothing but dust mites screaming in hyperspace. Submitted: ChAoS 512. WOW! thinking surreally is fun! (said the tortoise) Submitted: ChAoS 513. 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Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 516. Horace: Aye, wife, though the fires of love do not the clock obey... but soft! Yonder image seems intent upon us. It views our words as soon we speak them! Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 517. Gertrude: I am over-frightened, husband. Methinks I shall not retain the power of consciousness for long before.... Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 518. (she faints) Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 519. Horace (to you): Scalawag! Thou voyeur of unclean spirit! How long must thou torment us with thy creepy visage? Be thee gone! Or I shall call the cops. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 520. O'Donnelly: Hare, now. Wot seems ta be the trauble, sir? Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 521. Horace: Yon personage, good sir cop, doth spy upon my wife and me. Still it ceaseth not! E'en as I plead with it to leave, it yet stares at me all the more intently. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 522. O'Donnelly (to Horace): Alroight, I'll take car of it for ya. (to you): Hey! You ore an ogly thing, oren't ya? Whoy don't ya move along now? That's a good... wotever you ore. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 523. Horace: Goofy thing. I thought it'd never leave. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 524. With every subscription, we offer a free pizza - but that's not all! You get the amazing wonder chamois and the miracle mop! Just think of the many things you'll be able to clean in half the time. Never again will your toaster oven suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or the baked on grime that so often plagues the less fortunate among us. And now, a massage from our sponsors. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 525. Since they moved entry #512 to the #1 spot this list is more surreal than ever before. Submitted: ChAoS 526. ever since number 512 was moved to #1 this list has been more surreal than ever before. Submitted: ChAoS 527. SPEEF! The new semi-meat product from Kenno! Spam and Beef! EAT SPEEF! Submitted: Tongo(ug@gug.mug) 528. While trying to cross the street one day, Laura the Spotted Gecko is squished flat by a rather large truck. Her flattened corpse is tossed upon a pyre to be burned that evening. Submitted: ReedMan(Somewhere in POrtland, Oregon) 529. Later that day, Dragonlord flying low, is mistaken for a Libyan jet and shot down by the US military. His dead body plummets from the air and lands on the Eternal Impostor. Both corpses are summarily tossed upon the pyre. Submitted: ReedMan(Somewhere in POrtland, Oregon) 530. Tamarind Tonkatsu Diablo and Samuel Kirkwood get into an argument about who has more of a life than who. They wind up in a viscious fight and kill each other. Their discarded vehicles go upon the pyre as well. Submitted: ReedMan(Somewhere in POrtland, Oregon) 531. The Ninth Incarnation of Dr. Who comes upon a rip in the temporal fabric of space. Attempting to fix it, he is sucked in and the tremendous forces rip him apart. Coincidentally, the rip in space and time opens up to the pyre and the bits of him fall upon Submitted: ReedMan(Somewhere in POrtland, Oregon) 532. GENERIC TOP-N USER suffers a GENERIC DEATH and his corpse is also tossed upon the now heaping, stinking pyre. Submitted: ReedMan(Somewhere in POrtland, Oregon) 533. Dr. Gonads, while yelling obscenities at elderly women strains himself so much that he has a fatal aneurysm in his brain and dies. Sandy carries him to the pyre, but in doing so, contracts a horrible Gonadsian disease and collapses dead on the pyre. Submitted: ReedMan(Somewhere in POrtland, Oregon) 534. White Stallion breaks a leg and is summarily shot. His body is also placed upon the pyre. Submitted: ReedMan(Somewhere in POrtland, Oregon) 535. ReedMan faces off with his döpplegänger the notorious Anti-ReedMan. The two are like matter and anti-matter. Hurling insults at each other, the two charge. Upon contact, a matter/anti-matter reaction of great force is released. Submitted: What will arise from the flames? 536. The two are killed, and their bodies placed upon the pyre of Reedman's aliases. It is finally set alight, much to the joy of the suffering nearby townspeople. Submitted: What will arise from the flames? 537. All the bodies are immediate creamated, yet no smoke emerges from the conflagration. It's almost as if the bodies are being reassocciated within the flames. Submitted: What will arise from the flames? 538. Gradually, a great form becomes discernable within the flames. It seems unconcerned by the flames and seems to be gaining sustanance from them. As the fire dies down, a gasp runs through the community at what is revealed. Submitted: What will arise from the flames? 539. "I AM THE PHOENIX!!" The creature exclaimed "I AM REBORN FROM THE FLAMES OF WHAT WAS." WHAT YOU SEE BEFORE YOU IS NOW WHAT I SHALL BE" Submitted: The Phoenix 540. Oh! BTW, if you want the job of Generic, you may now have it. It's an open position for all I care. Submitted: The Phoenix 541. You wasted our time for THAT? Submitted: MMM! 542. GENERIC WITTY ENTRY Submitted: GENERIC IMPOSTOR 543. I'm still confused. Submitted: Henry Earl 544. Suddenly, AngryReedMale and Nür Mich dropped dead for no particular reason whatsoever. Submitted: The Phoenix 545. !me impostering Stop Submitted: Earl Henry 546. #539: Maybe I should blow up or something too. It'd make a change from arse jokes. Submitted: All-new Manure Dangerman (21) 547. #546 Not with the way you'd ignite the explosion. Submitted: The Phoenix 548. !em gniretsopmi pots Submitted: Lrae Yrneh 549. And then Jerome said "What's that smell? Oh no! THE AIR FARTED!" Submitted: Davey Johnson(skipper@orioles.com) 550. THE ANUS HAS EATEN AMANDA! Submitted: Jorgon 551. I feel the purple mountain majesty grape banana fake wax taste in my fear of the edge as I stare at the old man beside me who stares back as I drop the chair, the paper, the bucket of peanut butter that was so much fun at your last party... Submitted: TiGar(tigar@iname.com) 552. Everything will be okay if I can reach my toes in the frozen water and see the one the eighth-graders call "the man" and ask him how it feels to be today... Submitted: TiGar(tigar@iname.com) 553. The answer, of course, is that nothing is more true than your lies about where your eyes are. Well, yes they're cool but compared to what? To time, to velvet, to never seeing his face again? Submitted: TiGar (tigar@iname.com) 554. You're a legend of vermillion, a teller of some aspect. What aspect? Perhaps it is your past, my future, the car you drive, and your black-light special. Or maybe you know too much of diamonds, and how multi-colored paper is my favorite means of exchange. Submitted: TiGar (tigar@iname.com) 555. You have never known this place, though I sent you a postcard. Rosy-fingered, early born, I understand the rythym, the gist, but not specifics. What is it doing in this phrase? It is keeping me awake. You stare at the moon with me and it has no special ef Submitted: TiGar(tigar@iname.com) 556. Why can't we have an instant, a moment, what's desired. What am I paying penance for? Why do you always play your part? You lead me around but never to, never quite through, what I'm supposed to find. Submitted: TiGar(tigar@iname.com) 557. Everyone else plays the game but me, a four-footed creature of comic rage. I escaped and recorded an album sold only in pieces but with it's own razor-blade. I should be the chef, the mother, preacher's wife. I should finish my stories and draw the angels Submitted: TiGar(tigar@iname.com) 558. ...I've seen. But you would never comprehend how it all looks together, how a color creates a tear, a shadow the fear of loneliness. Circumstance evolves from chance to romance? Yeah, right. A theft for it's own sake, an appearance of sweet evil: so charm Submitted: TiGar(tigar@iname.com) 559. ...charming, so annoying. If I had more silver paint, you might have nothing to fear. I wouldn't need you so. Submitted: TiGar(tigar@iname.com) 560. #547: I think I've been typecast. Heh heh heh. 'Typecast'. 'Arsed'. Heh heh heh. Submitted: Dangerman C 561. Dangerman announces that he adores top British female group the Spice Girls but, instead of meeting with verbal abuse, is surprised to instead be faced with disbelief. Submitted: Dangerman C 562. I shoved the key in the window, but strangely it had no effect. I dumped water on it again, but still nothing. A third time I sang it a lullaby, but still no motion. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Triumphant Return) 563. Suddenly I realized that windows need the outdoors to operate properly. So I thought up a suitable place and situated it ouside my precious window. And it was good. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Triumphant Return) 564. I finally opened my window, so to let in the cool spring breeze. It caressed my face ever so slightly, and I dreamed of ancient times... happy, sad. Bittersweet, you might say. The sun set to the harp music, and I wept. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Triumphant Return) 565. The last dim glow of the day's brilliance reflected off the clouds and onto the pastoral countryside. The river flowed quietly along under my bridge and I watched it as the sky grew dark. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Triumphant Return) 566. That day, over a year ago now, was the last I saw of the sun. It's cold now, and everything has died. The river is quiet, and the harp plays no more. How I long to return to the beautiful days of yore. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Triumphant Return) 567. It's so cold. No one seems to understand my full plight as I ponder the darkness. Sometimes I try to light a candle, but the wind just blows it out after a scant few seconds. Still, I try. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Triumphant Return) 568. I have a blanket, but it avails not against the numbing chill. I am wearied to the bone by its strength-sapping bite. I fear I shall not live much longer. Still, I try. Perhaps the candle will call back the sun. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Triumphant Return) 569. My death approaches. I see it, stalking me like a wolf would stalk a wounded deer, if any such creatures remained in this unforgiving climate. Still, I try. I'm running out of matches. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Triumphant Return) 570. I hold in my hand the last match... but I've thought that before, and I've always found another. I wonder if this time it is truly the end? Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Triumphant Return) 571. We shall see. The time is not yet right to strike the match. I must conserve my strength. I must wait for the wind to stop, just for a moment. Will I live? Will I die? Does it matter? Farewell. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Triumphant Return) 572. Yes, farewell, cruel world of my undoing. I'll not strike this match! I defy you! Ah... the icy hand of death is upon my shoulder. I turn and prepare to receive his mortal scythe to my neck. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Triumphant Return) 573. As he swings back in preparation to strike, I notice a sudden absence. The wind is gone! I can bring the fire. I reach for the match. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Triumphant Return) 574. I try to light it, but my strength is all gone. Too late I realize my error; my opportunity missed. A glint reminds me of my self-imposed impending doom. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Triumphant Return) 575. As the final sting of Death's crimson blade kisses me, the sun... it's back! Three seconds too late. With my last breath, I whisper, "Forsake me not; I want to live!" Yet I am done for, the steel has run its course. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Triumphant Return) 576. What is death like? Surely better than the cold, at least. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Triumphant Return) 577. But the sun... I want the sun... but my choice was made... I chose this... my fault... I want to live... I want to go home... my fault.... Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Triumphant Return) 578. The fool...Death need not have come would he had merely closed the precious window and kept the heat within. Submitted: The Phoenix 579. ARe you surw? Wuld that havf Broght backh the Sunm? Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 580. The window is indeed powerful... but it durst not command the sun. The sun comes and goes whithersoever it pleases. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 581. E'en now it stalks you! You man run, you may hide, but you cannot evade the sun's piercing gaze. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 582. It is a fire! It cannot be quenched. It burns with the heat of many rabbits. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 583. #581: Piercing Gaze? Sounds like a trendy 'Body Adornment' salon run by homosexuals. Submitted: Dangerman C 584. #583: Let me guess: you're not only the president, but a client as well? Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 585. #584: The Top N regular known as Dangerman C would like us to point out that at this moment in time, he is unable to respond to your comedic interjection. Submitted: Ug and Gug, official Top N posters to Dangerman C 586. This is due to his current inability to sit at a computer, thanks to the variety of rings, chains and washing-machine parts in his left arse-cake going septic. Submitted: Ug and Gug, official Top N posters to Dangerman C 587. Please forward all charitable donations to Mr Dangerman C to aid him in his hour of need. Cushions appreciated, wooden chairs not so. Submitted: Ug and Gug, official Top N posters to Dangerman C 588. #584: May I remind Mr Kalhoun that he is three months behind in the payment for his Shears and Pitchfork 'Garden-mate™' Nipple set? Submitted: Pearce Bumcake, proprietor of Piercing Gaze Salon(Black.decker@flabbybit.com) 589. I know of no "Mr." Kalhoun, my friend. I'm afraid you have mistaken me for someone else. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 590. Lo, EUREKA,' I yelled into the cat, 'Thou art truly laborious and divergent. My nose bleeds for your impending encounter with the front fender of a Mercedes Benz. Submitted: knob(freakin'@my.head) 591. Suffer, for you are toasting the Marzipan!.. (..and may I upon pretense ring latent tintinabulations for your Andalusian raisins!) Submitted: knob(freakin'@my.head) 592. You are the Ayatollah of Confusion on the night of Divalí. Submitted: knob(freakin'@my.head) 593. The perils of your eyelashes torture my libido into a state of crass belief in Roman Catholicism. Submitted: knob(freakin'@my.head) 594. An ocean-going tin of crosseyed mussels could never match the melodious burblings of your sister's husband. Submitted: knob(freakin'@my.head) 595. The phase of your hallucinations reminds me of those balmy days when the championship mould was breeding, when the fish were long, and so were the valued floats of men we drank through narrow straws. Submitted: knob(freakin'@my.head) 596. Bleed me! My memory is fried with your pork! Submitted: knob(freakin'@my.head) 597. Hermaphrodites around the galaxy desire that you turn your rock and crochet bowl to its loudest setting. Submitted: knob(freakin'@my.head) 598. You cannot compare with the apex of a ferris wheel, nor the nadir of a ditch filled with a coelocanth's droppings. Submitted: knob(freakin'@my.head) 599. Your dainty nostrils flare with the humblest grandiosity of an ant swallowing a water buffalo. Submitted: knob(freakin'@my.head) 600. You are as frightful as an engine developed solely for the countenance of sexual inuendo by country music. Ahhhhhhhhh, 600. Submitted: knob(freakin'@my.head) 601. The palm trees by the Thames sway in time as I stroll along basking in the unaccustomed sunshine. Submitted: Jinxster 602. I hear the sound of the Spice Girls singing Handel in the background, coming from the radio of a taxi cab, festooned in ribbons, rosettes and posters, asking for your vote for the Monster Raving Referendum Liberal Labour Tory National Democrat Party. Submitted: Jinxster 603. Climbing into the back, I hear the driver talking about the state of the country. "That John Major geezer, now, what a tosser he is. Total and utter prat. Couldn't run a piss-up in a brewery, never mind England. I'd drive over there and tell him what I thought, only I can't be arsed. Heh heh, 'arse'." Submitted: Jinxster 604. Why, tis my old Top-N buddy Dangerman, that debonair individual beloved of all right-thinking Top-Ners. Reduced to driving cabs after the landslide Labour victory due to happen tonight made all the best customers at his 'personal services' business redundant. I smile and sit back in the jelly coated seats of his tangerine taxi cab and invite him to tell me what's up. Submitted: Jinxster 605. As he talks, however, I notice a disturbing change in him. The capital letters disappear from his words, and the phrase 'liberal conspiracy' starts to recur. I try to escape, but the sealing wax dripping from the roof has gummed up the doors. Scrabbling frantically at the windows, I turn to see Dangerman's boyish good looks twist and contort into the laughing face of evil incarnate. He has become... angrywhitemale!!!!! Submitted: Jinxster 606. The taxi cab tears through the streets of London, nimbly sidestepping all the buses and cars gridlocked together on the Mile End Road. 'damn traffic!' he snarls, 'why can you english never do things right?' Stepney Green Tube Station looms ahead of us, no mean feat as only seconds ago we were crawling over Regent's Canal, just before you get to the college that is the centre of all knowledge and wisdom, QMW. Submitted: Jinxster 607. I am hauled into the depths of London's Underground system, past the goldfish at the entrance selling the Big Issue to the giant mango who lives by the river. On the platform we stand, awm clutching me in his aluminium grip. 'and now, i have you in my power at last!' he gloats, as the Devil's own tube train roars into sight. Submitted: Jinxster 608. "Never" I respond. "In this city, I rule. You have no power over me." Howling with rage as I speak the words of release, he falls to the ground and begins to melt into a pool of liquid nitrogen. The station begins to come apart and drift upwards into the cool blue sky, like Jareth's palace at the end of 'Labyrinth'. I leap onto the rails, shrinking as I do so. I see the mice of London running aroung underneath the rails, seemingly unbothered by the presence of several thousand volts of electricity arcing overhead. They see me and disappear into the hole under the platform. Submitted: Jinxster 609. I follow them into the darkness, and feel their furry bodies around me and behind me. I am swept off my feet and carried through the tunnels in the true rat race of the city. Submitted: Jinxster 610. The Visigoths are ransacking Rome RIGHT NOW! Submitted: Raisin(russin@juno.com) 611. Brought a tear to me eye, Jinxster. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 612. Obi-Wan has taught you well... but you are not a Jedi yet. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 613. Uuuurgh... bloody hell, i feel rough... does anyone know what i did last night? for some reason, I hate liberals and my ears are ringing. heh heh heh. 'ring'. Submitted: dangrywhiteman 614. The groobles have left for higher grounds, and yet their little scrodgy bits remain behind. Perhaps they are watching out for their eternal nemesis, El Grinder Grande. They turn to their friend Kaboobie the flying camel and lick his ears clean. The friendly artiodactylian wishes them many a shiny farthing and later departs for a more sandy region and to find his little masters. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 615. When screaming does not suffice, I turn to a whisper, not because it is more effective, but because it hurts my throat a little less. I have found that not swallowing the razor blades, broken glass and barbed wire I keep reserved for emergencies can also alleviate some of the horseness I get. But then there are times my equine side must be set free. I blink, rub my ears, cross my toes and wait. Nothing seems to happen... Perhaps it will work tomorrow. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 616. Kalhoun, hoon, bo boon, banana fanna fo foon, fee fi mo moon, Kalhoon! Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 617. Jinxster, kinkster, bo binkster, banana fanna fo finkster, fee fi mo minxster, Jinxter! Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 618. Raisin, raisin, bo baisin, banana fanna fo faisin, fee fi mo maisin, Raisin! Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 619. Knob, knob, bo bob, banana fanna fo fob, fee fi mo mob, Knob! Submitted: Tec42(lost) 620. Dangerman, strangerman, bo ban, banana fanna fo fan, fee fi mo man, Dangerman! Submitted: Tec42(lost) 621. The electrostatic potential of the meat cleaver has exceeded legal limits. I shall have to hide it from the authorities. Where to keep the darn thing? Why, under my hat, of course! Submitted: Tec42(lost) 622. They say that stranger things have happened at sea. I challenge this. I am certain that stranger things have happened on land, in space, and under the passenger seat of my car. Submitted: Tec42(lost) 623. ::LOST AND FOUND:: Aardvark - Little Andy disappeared last weekend, anyone seen him? Call 423-9987. . . . . . . . . Bad nosejob - found lying on a street corner last weekend, please call 518-2121. . . . . . . . . . . . . . Lost: Marbles. If found, please plant them carefully in Kings park at regular intervals. I will collect them when I regain my composure... Submitted: Tec42(lost) 624. #610: No, it's just some England soccer fans rehearsing for their side's next encounter with Italy. Submitted: Jinxster 625. #611: It was nothing. Merely a fertile imagination, a poet's ability to write, psychotic tendencies and assorted hallucinogens. Submitted: Jinxster 626. #612: But I have not finished yet. I was thwarted in my surrealist visions by the hated and feared Men In Black. Twas the security guards of QMW insisting I depart from the hallowed portals of the Engineering building. So I was forced to wander, alone and desolate until such time as I could return. Submitted: Jinxster 627. Returning to my tale of before, I was swept by the city vermin along their labyrinthine tunnels, to the hidden halls of their mighty ruler, The Rat. Submitted: Jinxster 628. "So you have brought me the Jinxster. A fine addition to my harem." He leers, his furry visage forcing itself into my aura. Revolted, I hand it back to him. Submitted: Jinxster 629. "Touch me not, O Vermin of Hillsdale. Return to spreading the pestilence in Michigan, or whatever it is you do." Submitted: Jinxster 630. "I would, but tis already a barren landscape, my pretty. The Lord of Kalhoun has ruled there too long." Submitted: Jinxster 631. In the corner of the room, I see three cages. One contains a tiger, one a dragon, and one stays empty. I am lifted up by the pink rabbits that are Rat's assistants and locked in there. I rattle an empty bottle of Oasis, soft drink nectar of the gods, against the papier mache bars. Submitted: Jinxster 632. "Release me, Rodent King." I demand. I feel his traffic-light gaze penetrate my very soul. Submitted: Jinxster 633. "Never. You, TiGar and Dragonlady will be my love slaves for ever more. You alone will be the ones to lick mint jelly from my naked furry body." Submitted: Jinxster 634. "Never. Melted chocolate and we might have a deal." TiGar hauls herself from her stupor of despair. "It's no use, Jinxster!" she cries. "The blue mire that suffuses this country only encourages vermin and hopelessness." Submitted: Jinxster 635. Dragonlady lifts her head. The candle-flame fire in her vent shaft eyes is almost out. "Fire could set us free, but it's too cold." Submitted: Jinxster 636. Even in death, awm is triumphant. The liquid nitrogen drips down the sandcastle walls, freezing all it touches, rather like the icy hand of a Tory MP on his researcher's arse. Submitted: Jinxster 637. The snigger of a disembodied Dangerman echoes through the halls. The frozen nitrogen cracks and falls, shattering as it hits the ground, the notes it makes playing the chorus of 'Wannabe'. More sniggering caused by use of the word 'crack' exacerbates the process. Submitted: Jinxster 638. A red tide sweeps the country as Big Ben chimes midday. The vibrations shake the Rat's stronghold to it's very foundations as Dragonlady finds her strength, Submitted: Jinxster 639. While all around fall screaming as 'Wannabe' plays its merry little melody, Dragonlady throws back her head and breathes gas oven fire over all she surveys. It meets the red tide sweeping over Britain like tomato ketchup. They react, turn, and find The Rat. Screaming, he is consumed and swept away to the land where you use raindrops to protect yourself from the umbrellas falling from the sky. Submitted: Jinxster 640. The origami cages fall apart, and as TiGar shreds the guineapigs with her claws and leaps out to prowl the streets of London, seeking the one with all the answers, I leap on Dragonlady's back, as she flies me to Kalhoun's Michigan wasteland, a place so desolate that even 'Barney' is considered worth watching.. Submitted: Jinxster 641. Rising from the remnants of the Dragonlady's fire is a Phoenix, flying behind us like Hale-Bopp on acid. As it pulls up alongside us, I see it has the face of ReedMan, proving that it's almost certainly on acid. Or marijuana. Is that a joint in your talons, Phoenix, or are you just pleased to see me? Submitted: Jinxster 642. Skimming through the budgerigar clouds, he grins. "Whatever you want it to be, Jinxster." He never changes. Randy as hell. Submitted: Jinxster 643. "I object to that." Satan tells me. "This place is a sex-free zone. Best form of torture there is." I glance around and for a moment, think we have arrived in Belgium. But no, we are in Michigan. Kalhoun's realm is all around us. Submitted: Jinxster 644. Kalhoun sits on his latex throne, a tortoiseshell cat curled up on his lap. Made of real tortoiseshell. He throws it at Dragonlady and she turns into a butterfly which soars into the purple stratosphere. Submitted: Jinxster 645. Phoenix glances at Kalhoun, wrapped in the cumulonimbus produce of the holy weed interacting with his fiery feathers, each one shaped like a hemp leaf. Kalhoun offers him a rare orchid from the elephant on the desk. Such beauty is rare in Michigan. I scream a warning but too late, water squirts from the centre and extinguishes his fire. The Phoenix, without his fire, has just become a pigeon. Flying west to Portland to recuperate, he leaves me alone at Kalhoun's mercy. Now it is just me. (I had to get his name in here somehow.) Submitted: Jinxster 646. "It is useless to resist, young Jinxster." he says from behind his black leather mask. "I can feel the hatred rising within you now. Come join my Empire, we'll rule the domain of Top-N." Submitted: Jinxster 647. "Never. I'd rather die." Kalhoun shrugs. "If that is your wish, so be it." Submitted: Jinxster 648. "I will destroy you." I tell him as the tropical fruit that has materialised flies past my head. I watch the flock of lemons on the hillside chewing the grass then getting high off it and know anything is possible. Submitted: Jinxster 649. "You cannot destroy me." he cackles. "I am Eternal." Submitted: Jinxster 650. "No you're not. He's from Indiana." I point out. Kalhoun shrugs his shoulders before replacing them on the end of his arms. "Be that as it may, no man, woman or the awm can destroy me." Submitted: Jinxster 651. Jinxster's Sun conjuncts Reedman's Moon, square awm's Saturn, trine Dragonlady's Mercury, sextile Dangerman's Mars and opposes Kalhoun's Venus at the nadir. No love on Kalhoun's side. As the skies spell out doom and my star rises, I feel myself transforming from the all too human Jinxster into something altogether different. I become the SuperVixen. Submitted: Jinxster 652. The mirror stops ticking and the clock cracks across it's face. Time stands still as penguins sing the Beatles, and the ladybird crawls backward up the walls. I tear Kalhoun's mask from his face and snap his neck in two. I tear his body limb from limb then fling it into Lake Michigan. Submitted: Jinxster 653. The spurting blood floods the land and it sinks beneath the lesser spotted waves like a drunken student into a canal. I flee to neighbouring Ohio where I resume my Jinxian form and curl up inside my safe haven. awm's former residence awaits me; with it's master gone, it's all mine. Submitted: Jinxster 654. Kalhoun's death gives new life to the land. The bloated Jabba--esque Kalhounian vampire lord gives back what he has taken out, not Lord Kalhoun, but Lard Kalhoun. Or maybe Laid Kalhoun, if the rumours that he had a timeshare in Rat's harem are true. Submitted: Jinxster 655. From Lake Michigan rises a new land, the realm of Top-N. Dragonlady and the Phoenix fly out of the sun and frolic in the Hillsdale, while Rat, squeaky clean and plague-free nibbles at the Cheesy Wotsits by the sea. Submitted: Jinxster 656. Dangerman sniggers at the arse-shaped hills before collapsing under the Wild Brew fountains with his head laid back. Submitted: Jinxster 657. I leave the angrywhitecastle and see it's owner, angry no more, in search of the bar. Submitted: Jinxster 658. I buy him a drink at the place where the flamingos dance the tango by Lake Erie and Budweiser is 20p a pint. Submitted: Jinxster 659. angrywhitemale holds his psycho baby, angrywhitechild, on his lap, with Wolfie curled up at his feet. Submitted: Jinxster 660. "Who's the mother?" I ask, surprised that there was any woman fool enough to do it with awm. Submitted: Jinxster 661. "He has no mother. He was born from my skull like Athene, materialising like Aphrodite from the waves." He tosses angrywhitechild to TiGar who swallows him whole and turns into a swordfish. awm clones the swordfish and challenges me to a duel. If he wins, I promise to give him the dice and chat to the celery. Submitted: Jinxster 662. Like Darth Vader and Luke we fight. The assembled regulars place bets on the outcome. Submitted: Jinxster 663. angrywhitemale flips the fish out of my hand and pinions me to the ground. "What have you to say for yourself now?" he laughs triumphantly. Submitted: Jinxster 664. "Nothing. You may have won the battle but you have lost the war. I placed £10 on you to win at odds of 10'000 to one. I'm off to the land of the Banana-people to lie under the moonlight and drink eggplant juice." Submitted: Jinxster 665. And so my surreal odyssey draws to a close. The clocks strike twenty and the monkeys are on the moon, and my task is done. I ask no reward but this. Submitted: Jinxster 666. The number of the beast flares for a second time. Only once before has this happened, on the paintball list before the Reaper swung the Scythe of Wrath and decimated it like the Tory Party on Election Day. I brought it to being at my touch then, I bring it to birth now. See the beast flicker into life and come at my command. And watch the power of Jinxster triumph as it curls up meekly at my feet. Adios from the Surreal Goddess! I go to have my hair washed in blueberry juice in the land of Marissenel. Bye bye... Submitted: Jinxster 667. Cold. So cold. This portland air is not conducive to pigeon to phoenix transmutations. Hello? What's this? In the corners of the park, I spot a flame and a familiar smell. Submitted: The Phoenix 668. Hemp! Hemp will return me to my true form! Burn it! Burn ME! I take in the flame it consumes me and I arise again! I take off like a lightning bolt, towards the east where to mighty foes clash Submitted: The Phoenix 669. The awm, grown huge with conceit, looms over the momentarily defeated Jinxster, My anger turns to force, Dragonlady joins me at my side as we rush towards the huge figure like an out-of-control, sexually charged juggernaught Submitted: The Phoenix 670. Grabbing the leprous old lecher, our momentum is transferred to him as he is knocked into a fissure in the earth caused by ChAoTiC forces. Submitted: The Phoenix 671. I land, offer my hand to help Jinxster up. She accepts and I pull her up. "I'll have you know that Randy is my father's name" I say winking. Submitted: The Phoenix 672. "The six! The six is everywhere!" cried the lone being as he was carried away by forces unknown to anyone. "6 everything! Will it ever end?" the young lad screamed silently to no one as he pondered life, time, and other useless things. Never mind that there were others worse than he, he never cared anyway. Suddenly, a giant, floating 6 appears in front of the boy, and does loop-de-loops in the air, then tap dances away. "I must stop inhaling so much bathroom cleanser," mused the young, lone lad. Submitted: Just Me(6 months. 6 long months. 6 long, insane months) 673. "What will the next six hold?" he wondered. "Perhaps more. Perhaps better. None can know but someone. What? Why?" he pondered, as another floating 6 appeared in front of him, this time riding a small, fleet, rugged, white mountain lion. It speeds away at more than 100 miles per hour. "Wow, that was fast. What might that mountain lion eat for it to be so fit?" he asked whoever was listening, though he did not speak out loud. Submitted: Just Me(6 months. 6 long months. 6 long, insane months) 674. "The six! The six is everywhere!" cried the lone being as he was carried away by forces unknown to anyone. "6 everything! Will it ever end?" the young lad screamed silently to no one as he pondered life, time, and other useless things. Never mind that there were others worse than he, he never cared anyway. Suddenly, a giant, floating 6 appears in front of the boy, and does loop-de-loops in the air, then tap dances away. "I must stop inhaling so much bathroom cleanser," mused the young, lone lad. Submitted: Just Me(I wonder if these will show up NOW?) 675. "What will the next six hold?" he wondered. "Perhaps more. Perhaps better. None can know but someone. What? Why?" he pondered, as another floating 6 appeared in front of him, this time riding a small, fleet, rugged, white mountain lion. It speeds away at more than 100 miles per hour. "Wow, that was fast. What might that mountain lion eat for it to be so fit?" he asked whoever was listening, though he did not speak out loud. Submitted: Just Me(I wonder if these will show up NOW?) 676. the liberal conspiracy of phoenix/dragonlady challenges the mighty awm in the garden of Top-n for the prized jinxster maiden who is still locked in continuous sexual intercourse with amw Submitted: angrywhitemale 677. awm raises his angrywhitesword in the air, powerful and erect, but from the heavens above lightning crashes down hitting awm, turning him to stone Submitted: angrywhitemale 678. imortalized, forever young, awm, the tallest statue in the garden, captivating the sheer beauty of this tall, dark and mysterious figure for all who visit Top-n to see in awe. while jinxster, now remains free but an angrywhiteshroud covers her as a growin Submitted: angrywhitemale 679. the beast is gone but there is another Submitted: angrywhitemale 680. #678: (cont.) g embryo lies deep in her chasm Submitted: angrywhitemale 681. Stone, eh? Well, at least he's quiet. Submitted: The Phoenix 682. A dark cloud obscures the sun; Jinxster bemoans the return of the Phoenix and his cannabis-induced haze. But lo! 'Tis not the Phoenix, but a much darker force. Submitted: Spirit of Kalhoun 683. It is Kalhoun -- freed from his body and thus from his limits. In a golden, hypnotic voice, he projects his will: "From now on, the world will call me 'master'. Submitted: Spirit of Kalhoun 684. The sable cloud engulfs the Earth as six billion people proclaim him Lord. Pockets of resistance -- who would have guessed? Top-N-ers rebel against his rightful reign. Submitted: The Master 685. Rather than make a martyr of Jinxster, apparently the group's leader and the one who knocked off Kalhoun in the first place, he devises a much more sinister plot. Submitted: The Master 686. "I will erase this Jinxster from history," he says to himself, "and from all the memories of the people. Such will be a fitting revenge for the embarrassment I have suffered at her hands." Submitted: The Master 687. Jinxster is no more... who is no more? Never heard of her. Submitted: The Master 688. With their leader gone and forgotten, the rebellion falls into disarray and is destroyed. Kalhoun seems to have won. Will no one stop this evil? Will no one stand up for righteousness!? SOYLENT GREEN IS MADE FROM PEOPLE!! Submitted: The Master 689. Charlton Heston becomes the Right-Hand-Man, as if Kalhoun had any hands. Great Britain becomes a deserted wasteland, much like Hiroshima in 1945. Kalhoun feeds off its flora and fauna, and the isle decays into dust. Submitted: The Master 690. The maid comes in after her fortnight's vacation to sweep up the dust. Inadvertently she sweeps Kalhoun along with it, and tosses him in the garbage disposal. Kalhoun becomes himself a hundredfold. Submitted: The Master 691. Each of the Kalhouns seeks out a province to rule; Kalhoun number one settles on Michigan. His control fragmented, however, Jinxster returns and restirs the rebellion. Submitted: The Master 692. All but one of the Kalhoun-shards is defeated by the Lass of London; Kalhoun the First retains his control of Michigan. Submitted: The Master 693. And all is as it was before. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 694. Is it safe? Can I come out yet? Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 695. Tec42 burrows out of a small cocoon made of silly string and eye candy, stealthily hidden in /dev/null. He pauses briefly to parse a list, traverse some trees and to carve a small home from the bones of a hapless orangutan who had been caught in the maelstrom. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 696. Prepared once again to wander the corridors and deck the halls, he blinks rapidly, sending whirls of data spinning into infinity. He wonders what's for lunch. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 697. Whatever it is, he hopes it is not... 'just wafer thin'... Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 698. On the day that the four horsemen of the apocolypse rode forth but then decided it would be better on a Teusday, the Rodent steps in from the night which resembles pea soup only not as green, unless it is in the month of Autumn... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss) 699. ...and throws the cloak of duck-beaks which hangs from his back like a oxen in Algeria around his shoulder, revealing the silohette of a Rat... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss) 700. ...only the light is coming from in front of him reflecting off his green eyes like rubys if they were green, betraying the fire that burns inside his soul like an ape with a metal chair... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss) 701. ...he has travelled over 26 hours without stop or sleep or rest, but only if you don't count that in dog-years, for fear of the immortal spirit of Einstien the ferret... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss) 702. ...and the rodent hungers for something edible although something inedible might do in a pinch... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss) 703. ...but the archangel drives him to makes this journey on nothing more than PB Crisps, Ritalin, and Coca-cola, to deliver the message to those who have ears like a coxial cable... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss) 704. ..that on this, the 45th day of the 81st year of the time that Perry the Dog did a backflip, IT IS DONE... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss) 705. ...and the others cower in fear although they aren't quite sure why but feel it has something to do with Hobbes the Tiger and a great wedge of cheese... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss) 706. ...and the Rat leaps up onto the great green disk like Mortimer on his 8th day of 2nd grade, and with thunderous visage, the angel of Death sneezes... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss) 707. ..and where there was Rat there was nothing, but everyone just thought it was some theatre trick... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss) 708. ...and the Rat walks off alone but with his own company, to the future which would inevitably end up being just like the past like some mobius strip suspended in a 12 ounce mug of Jello... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss) 709. ...and understanding of the torment is lost, for the caring don't care and the uncaring don't really care either, except if it's bouncy... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss) 710. ...and the Rat weeps, but there are no tears, so you can't really call that weeping, but the Rat weeps anyways in spite of what weeping means.... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss) 711. ...his claymore lay broken next to his dreams, athough the claymore wound be fixed when he returned home, but the dreams never would... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss) 712. ...and across the lazy sky which busily hurried about in a relaxed rush, war ravenged the countless millions that existed across the vast expance of the mind while in a rain of indigo shoelaces, binding the universe together... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss) 713. ...and the Rat cannot escape the cycle which binds him like a kinky sex scene, for his intelligence betrays his vast stupidity, which wraps arounnd him like the spindle of the purple stopwatch... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss) 714. ...and so it ends, as it begun... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss) 715. The world is dark, the Master has taken control of the world, but has done so in a manner that disturbs the continuum Submitted: The Phoenix 716. So, who better to repair the damage of the space-time continuum than the premier arch-enemy of the master, our favority time lord, The Doctor Submitted: The Phoenix 717. My TARDIS lands on a darkened, Jinxster-less world. "This is not right" I say to my unimportant companion. I sense the work of an old foe here. Submitted: The Doctor 718. I come upon the Master ruling the world, it is my old foe, yet it is not. It appears that he has taken over the body and soul of Lord Kalhoun. Submitted: The Doctor 719. "What have you done, you fool!" He laughs in that chilling, evil way of his..."You cannot defeat me this time, Doctor. I have destroyed Jinxster, she never existed! HAHAAH!!!" Submitted: The Doctor 720. He tries to zap me with his shrinking ray, but I throw my expendable companion in the way and jump into my TARDIS. Submitted: The Doctor 721. Little does the Master know, that one cannot defeat a time lord at his own game. I merely go back in time and take Jinxster out of the world seconds before the Master erases her from history. Submitted: The Doctor 722. But my effort is in vain, I step out of my TARDIS only to confront the greek column that the Master likes so much as his TARDIS. Secretly, I envy he that has a working Chameleon circuit. I stand outside my conspicious police box Submitted: The Doctor 723. I here the Master's voice. Ha ha ha, Doctor. You are defeated at last. I did not just remove Jinxster from the future, but from Time itself! Submitted: The Doctor 724. He has a point there. However, I do know a bit of dimensional physics. I step back into my time machine and set it to "sideways" Submitted: The Doctor 725. The old bird doesn't like the strain at all, I must return to Gallifrey to harness the power of the eye of Harmony. Submitted: The Doctor 726. I can do it, after all, I am the president of the council. I fall through the eye of harmony into the void of Platonic Perfect Forms Submitted: The Doctor 727. In this place exists the archtype of all things that exist. All matter in the physical universe is merely an imperfect copy of the perfect form. Submitted: The Doctor 728. In this void out of space and time I find the essense of the Jinxster, hauntingly beautiful. Submitted: The Doctor 729. I take her into the TARDIS, where I take her again. (heh heh). But I cannot just put her in a universe made so she cannot exist, so I must infuse her with the power and energy of the Eye of Harmony. Submitted: The Doctor 730. Rassilon protect us! But it works. Jinxster is returned to the universe to lead the rebel forces. The power of Rassilon Directed against the Master drives him out of the body of Lord Kalhoun. Submitted: The Doctor 731. Now, the Master defeated, I must journey onward, for he shall rise again. A familiar grating sound arises as the TARDIS dissapears.... Submitted: The Doctor 732. A great sense of deja vu settles over the land. Submitted: The Phoenix 733. On the day that the four horsemen of the apocolypse rode forth they decided that Armeggedon was a boring place to go, so instead they went to Cleveland... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.ethereal.wall.of.eternity.times.three) 734. ...so while walking through downtown San Diego, Rat runs into the four horsemen, which was odd, since they swore they were in Cleveland, so they all decided to go to Denver instead... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.ethereal.wall.of.eternity.times.three) 735. ...however Denver was closed due to a rather nasty fish-storm which blew in from south of Reno... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.ethereal.wall.of.eternity.times.three) 736. ...but this made little difference to them, because they all decided to go home and watch Andy Griffith reruns... all, except the Rat, who had different plans which happened to be hidden in a secret soviet nuclear missle silo, but he couldn't quite remebe Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.ethereal.wall.of.eternity.times.three) 737. ...but the Voice of the Beast called to him, and got his answering machine, which was one of the kind that beeps a little tune at you before you leave a message or it self-destructs with a small nuclear explosive... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.ethereal.wall.of.eternity.times.three) 738. On the day that the Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse rode forth and remebered they'd forgotten the columbian coffee, and went to Mexico to jump on Juan Valdez, the Rat journeyed onward... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.ethereal.wall.of.eternity.times.three) 739. ...after visiting Chigago, which has gone for a stroll and ended up in Montana, the Rat swam through the swams of pixels which felt kinda warm and fuzzy on him... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.ethereal.wall.of.eternity.times.three) 740. ...to the place they call , however they just didn't like calling it that, so they changed its name to ; and they liked that much better... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.ethereal.wall.of.eternity.times.three) 741. ...and 8500 kittens spontaneously exploded at random locations, and the Rat smiled, not quite knowing why he smiled, but thought he ought to anyway, if only for the principle of the thing... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.ethereal.wall.of.eternity.times.three) 742. ...and all of a sudden, the Rat knew everything, every mystery of the universe suddenly appeared crystal sharp before his own imagination, especially the parts involving French Guiana, but soon discovered it was just a hit in the head from a falling Shi-T Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.ethereal.wall.of.eternity.times.three) 743. Anyone notice that Jinxster aka LSD party has gotten 666 both times it has appeared on top-n? It is an omen. Submitted: The Phoenix 744. #692 - #693 - Dang. Submitted: Just Me 745. #743 - No, the real omen is that in the history book I'm using at school, surrealism is defined on page 666. Seriously. I just noticed it yesterday. Submitted: Just Me 746. Once upon a time, I took a stroll down a secluded country lane. As I walked, I realized, "Hey, this isn't just a secluded country lane." Indeed, it was not a just a secluded country lane. Submitted: Just Me(possessor.of.the.mystical.trout.of.knowledge) 747. My discovery was spurred when I noticed that, for a secluded country lane, there sure were a lot of talking trees. And they weren't your normal, run-of-the-mill talking trees, either. They spoke what sounded like German. Submitted: Just Me(possessor.of.the.mystical.trout.of.knowledge) 748. It then dawned on me that it was not German that they were speaking, but Dutch, for they were Dutch Elm trees. Submitted: Just Me(possessor.of.the.mystical.trout.of.knowledge) 749. I was at first somewhat taken aback by the prospect of Dutch-speaking trees, but I soon got used to it, because luckily, I had taken along my Dutch-English phrasebook. Submitted: Just Me(possessor.of.the.mystical.trout.of.knowledge) 750. "What do you want of us?" one of the trees asked me. I quickly thumbed through my phrasebook for key words and replied "De dankle ach alleen bruken." The tree replied, "I really don't hope you expect me to believe that I have a dead fish rotting in my library, though that is what you say." I flushed with embarrasment and attempted to correct the situation. Submitted: Just Me(possessor.of.the.mystical.trout.of.knowledge) 751. "Auf nadel klopp rach ni auder," I replied. The tree, reacting on sheer impulse, merely exploded in laughter, sending wood chips flying everywhere. I was a bit upset, for I had not wanted to be caught in a wood chip shower. Once again, I was very fortunate, for I had brought along an umbrella, as well. Submitted: Just Me(possessor.of.the.mystical.trout.of.knowledge) 752. I decided I had had enough for the day, so I began walking back down the most definitely abnormal secluded country lane toward home. Submitted: Just Me(possessor.of.the.mystical.trout.of.knowledge) 753. What, is everyone taking out their end-semester frustrations on this list? Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 754. All my work shall be drowned in the murky, stagnant tripe which you attempt to pass off as surrealism. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 755. Soon... soon... I shall unleash a torrent upon this list such as the world has never seen -- nor shall see again, I warrant. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 756. But yea, the chronometer showeth me that it is two o'clock ante meridian, and I must drift into sweet somnolence ere I unveil the Surreal Scourge. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 757. My subconscious shall prepare itself during this time, and you will finally know the meaning of SURREAL! Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 758. #754 Stagnant tripe?!?! Good Lord, Lord Kalhoun, can you not see that your work is not being drowned, but instead, your magnificent prose acts a nucleus for others. You create a story, others fill in the bits you left out. Submitted: The Phoenix 759. The story of the burning of TiGar could not be complete without her side, an evil scheme of the Master would not be complete without the Doctor! Submitted: The Phoenix 760. In adding to your work, we shower thee in adulation and praise for your fine work. If thou doth not appreciate our praise then we'll have to start berating you harshly. Submitted: The Phoenix 761. This list should go as one of the books that didn't make the Book Club list. Submitted: DoctorNurse, back in Tampa(cnurse@soleil.acomp.usf.edu) 762. #760: I... I never knew you felt that way. (sob!) Can... can you ever... forgive me for my ruthless arrogance and paranoid delusions? Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 763. I have reconsidered the Surreal Scourge, my friends. In its stead, I shall craft for you a mighty epic of Sweet Surrealism -- Solamente Para Ustedes. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 764. Can naught but the Gilded Apple receive the favors of the much-vaunted Hand of Fate? Surely the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will know. I summon them. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 765. They arrive here in San Diego unbeknownst to themselves -- they think they are still in Cleveland. Accompanying them is a strange cross-dressing figure... no, wait! It is the Rat in his skir... I mean, uh, kilt. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 766. The Four Arsemen, as they are colloquially known, turn towards me. I kneel and ask them the question: "Shall the Hand of Fate favor the Gilded Apple forever? Or may I taste of its honor one day?" Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 767. The one called 'Death' turned his eyeless orbs towards me, as if noticing me for the first time. In a deep, guttural voice he spoke thus: "Variations on a theme, Kalhoun; the Winepress of History shall no longer torment you." Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 768. With that he vanished in a crimson blaze. "Variations on a theme?" I wondered to myself. "Winepress of History? Rubbish. He's been drinking again; that's what it is." Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 769. Yet I could not help but think about what he had said, for it had a certain ring of truth about it. Seven years later it began, just as he had said: variations on a theme. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 770. Soon afterwards, an American Bicentennial flag fell from the heavens and enveloped me. As I struggled to extricate myself from its iron grasp, I heard the noise of a wheezing weasel. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 771. "In time", I thought, "that could become bronchitis." I flung the flag off me and then wore it as a cape. All around me, somehow, the world was changed. Everything seemed new and bright. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 772. I realized that the flag had been the Master, subverting me to his evil dominion against my will. When I learned of his depradations, I sought to repair the damage he had done. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 773. When I learned of Great Britain's annihilation, however, I tried to stifle my laughter. "I suppose Jinxster had it coming," I chuckled. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 774. "No, no!" said the Horsemen, who had returned, "she it was who saved you from the Master! Worry not: she still exists, though the Master nearly destroyed her forever." Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 775. He told me the grim story of the Phoenix's foolish attempt and how, chance against chance, it succeeded. "Such a story!" I exclaimed. "But look! E'en now the Phoenix returns!" Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 776. "How there, Kalhoun!" greeted the Phoenix. "Off for another adventure, are we? Without so much as a thank-you? I suppose I should have expected as much." Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 777. "Yes, as a matter of fact. I was just leaving in order to conquer the Disgusting Barracuda of Madagascar," I replied. The Phoenix's eyes lit up and he asked, "Ooh! May I come with you?" Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 778. "Certainly, friend. First, though, I must don a Starfleet uniform." I metamorphosed into Captain Jean-Luc Picard. After straightening my uniform approximately 1.2 million times so it was just right, I said "Engage" and we left. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 779. Madagascar is a dismal place. To those who have not seen it, what can I say to accurately describe it? Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 780. It is filled with Magic Marker trees, who greeted us upon our arrival, and every once in a while I'd apologize to a cloud of gnats for stepping on four or five thousand of them. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 781. Other than that, the trip was uneventful; we never found the Disgusting Barracuda. Perhaps the Rat and the Horsemen had vanquished it already. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 782. The Phoenix needed to recharge, so we stopped in Colombia for a while. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 783. While there, seventeen armed halogen lamps began attacking us. We fled in terror of their burning flames, in accordance with Hillsdale College dormitory policies. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 784. I realized I had suffered a paper cut. "Pour iodine on it; it'll be all right," said the Phoenix. Carbon-15 works better, I know now, but at the time I was ignorant in the ways of the world and I complied. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 785. My cut kept growing and I realized it was not a cut at all: the iodine had opened a rift in the spacetime continuum. Curiosity overwhelmed me and I stepped inside. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 786. I looked about me and saw Big Ben! This was a parallel universe in which England had not been turned to dust and then swept up and thrown away... I could begin anew here! Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 787. But no, this isn't my world. I step back through. Percentage-wise, the arbitrary opulence of the grindstones is much more lovely here. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 788. What is that I see in the distance? It's the Four Horsemen again, and the Rat. How I wish they would leave me alone. The Rat throws a Shi-T at me, and I realize he meant to throw a Shi-Tzu. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 789. Completely underwhelmed, I join them in their new quest to overthrow the carnivorous earthworms of Afghanistan. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 790. As we reached the outer plateau, a herdsman gave us the standard Afghan greeting: "May the sands of a thousand deserts never blow in your face." Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 791. Touched by his warm, friendly salutation, I replied in like kind: "May your ears grow the wax for a thousand hives." Seeing that we were friends, he invited us in for dinner. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 792. "May your nose hairs grow long and flowing as a thousand strands of spaghetti," greeted his wife as we entered their tent. Such a friendly couple. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 793. For dinner we were served the very best of Afghan cuisine: hamburgers and French fries with a side of yak's liver. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 794. We spent eighteen weeks in their tent, eating all their food and making love to their daughters. And to their sons, in the Phoenix's case. The Rat was content to sit and watch. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 795. After we had eaten all the food and the friendly family and their tent stakes, we set out to find the carnivorous earthworms. We first saw a half-eaten fishing pole, and we knew the earthworms must be nearby. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 796. "They have seen us!" cried the Phoenix, and he screamed like a little girl and ran in terror. Turns out they hadn't seen us, but they did see him and they ate him. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 797. Of course, this was the plan all along, for the Phoenix's eternal flame burst forth and consumed the earthworms. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 798. We congratulated him but avoided clapping him on the back because he was still covered in yet-unburnt earthworm stomach acid. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 799. We feasted on the charred earthworm entrails for months, it seemed, until one day in the following June we discovered we had been eating the remains of the Great Outhouse War of 1979. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 800. After drinking several times our body weight in water and Coca-cola to cleanse our bodies of the unremitting filth, we trekked on and ventured into Siberia, where they were having a warm snap. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 801. Only 40 degrees below zero -- quite balmy for Siberia in June. We traveled back a million years in time, crossed the Asia-America land bridge, and traveled back to the present. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 802. Back in North America, the home of all civilized people, we walked for eight years and came eventually to Phoenix, Arizona. The Phoenix declared himself Absolutely, Positively, Total and Complete Dictator, owing to his name. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 803. The metro area's population from that day to the next dropped from 4 million to twenty-six -- twenty-five who had not heard the news and the Phoenix himself. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 804. The next year, coincidentally, Mexico greatly restricted immigration from the United States. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 805. Arizona's population dropped below the requirement of 50,000 to become a state, and thereby lost its statehood. I ripped a star off my cape in recognition of the newer, better Union. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 806. That done, I could safely return to Michigan and continue as benevolent ruler. The Rat had challenged me but was now hanging around with the Four Arsemen and was too busy to rule. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 807. As I sat back down in my throne, I reflected on the past events. "Strange how it always seems to return to this point," I mused. I sipped a mug of hot grape soda and turned on "Star Trek". Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 808. Suddenly, through the palace doors burst a messenger. He read, "The Phoenix, the Rat, and the Arsemen... er, Horsemen, require your assistance to conquer the teething loquacious lemmings!" Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 809. Will it never end? Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 810. Suddenly something else happened. I'm not quite sure what, but I know that It happened. Submitted: The Phoenix 811. I left the lemmings for Kalhoun, knowing that he wasn't really needed anyway, for they would all just run into Lake Michigan on their own. Submitted: The Phoenix 812. I left to get a hamburger from McDonalds. Along the way I stopped to kick a rock. But it was not a rock, it was a slumbering Horta. "Hmmm, I could use a horta" I said to myself. But I continued onward. Submitted: The Phoenix 813. I wore an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. Submitted: The Phoenix 814. I contemplated the adventures of Kalhoun and got a headache. Not knowing whether it be from the strain and confusion or Amanda struggling to break free from my skull (I had swallowed her some time back) I went home to sleep, perchance to dream. Submitted: The Phoenix 815. On the day that the Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse rode forth, but decided it was such a lovely day, and it would be so much better to play a nice game of scrabble, the Rat jumped into his Ford Tempo and rode his bike to Hillsdale, or Detroit, whichever Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.which.is.a.door) 816. ...and the Rat found Kalhoun in a great state of shock, but that was okay, it was Teusday, and we were having gravy for dinner... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.which.is.a.door) 817. ...But the gravy was not present, so we had to catch the floating yams, or else suffer the fate of Alderaan... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.which.is.a.door) 818. ...But the Captain Janeway shot the yams with a glorified chub, which is a type of fish for all of you with spotted underware, and the Rat decided to leave... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.which.is.a.door) 819. this list doesn't make sense, then again this is probally the whole point. Might as well go with the flow. Submitted: Justice 820. THIS LIST HAS BEEN HIJACKED BY THE INTERNET CENSORSHIP BERAU, PLEASE STAND BY FOR STATION IDENTIFICATION. Submitted: Justice 821. I control the verticle, I control the horizontal. Who controls the diagonal? I do not know for I am only two three dimensional. Submitted: Justice 822. Dont you mean Bureau? Submitted: The Phoenox 823. the ug ui mona Submitted: THe Hoenidao 824. Andra moi ennepe mousa polutropon os mala polla/ plangthe epei Troieis hieron ptoliethron eperse/ polloen d'anthroepoen iden astea kai noon egnoe/ polla d'ag'en pontoe pathen algea hoen kata thumoen. Submitted: TiGar 825. Tell me, oh muse, of the man of many devices. No, wait, that would be Ron Popeil, inventor of the infomercial and disturber of many a good night in front of the television. Submitted: TiGar 826. Instead, oh muse, tell me of that man, worthy of many epithets, the creator of Top-N, who, battling many foes and suffering many woes and stepping on many toes and listening to Counting Crows and... where was I? Oh, yes... who traveled across the wine-dar Submitted: TiGar 827. wine-dark sea (what if the sea really became wine? I'm guessing there would be a great emigration to the coasts) returning to his homeland, and his significant other, and any offspring, a few pets, and a credit card debt the size of Massachusets. Submitted: TiGar 828. That's why he ran away in the first place, although he said it was a business trip. After awhile, his S.O. got bored and started chatting on the internet, and soon was participating in *CENSORED* with many a man (or woman, or adrogynous thing, since you n Submitted: TiGar 829. He got sidetracked on his way home. There was that little tropical island, and then gambling in Las Vegas (where he also visited a few shows with his buds, including one with a hypnotist; a few of them got tricked into believing they were pigs). Then ther Submitted: TiGar 830. 828: never really know). She knew he would probably find out and then throw the computer out the window, but she figured it was his fault since he got her addicted to the net in the first place. Submitted: TiGar 831. 829: there was that great party where they got so high they couldn't remember where they were supposed to be going. Submitted: TiGar 832. He eventually did make it home. To the surprise of his S.O., after hearing about her virtual escapades, he didn't seem upset at all. In fact, he immediately logged on, saying he wanted to show her something that would be better than any previous net exper Submitted: TiGar 833. experience. "I was in this cave, surfing with my laptop and cellular when I came up with the greatest idea. You know those top-ten lists that abound everywhere? Well, _I_ have found a more addictive form. It will tear families apart; students will fail cl Submitted: TiGar 834. classes because of it; it will bring the most senseless, ridiculous, useless, mindless, surreal pleasure ever known to man or machine. It is... TOP-N!" Submitted: TiGar 835. ...and so Dragonlady walked/flew to the front of the auditorium. And stood not 60.4185 inches from HIM. And HE looked at her and she gazed upon HIM. And so it came that our Lord, David Bowie, threw .5 dozen Beanie Babies at her. Casting her down though she caught a Garcia... Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragons.den.com) 836. ...Lady Artist Minotaur took this a sign, a grave sign of times to come. Filled with much shouting and yelling, cameras, and police. And so she trembled, for in her heart she knew that there are no Beanie Bowies... Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragons.den.com) 837. And so Dragonlady became Raquel Welch, and so her clothing disintigrated...and though she hoped to shuffle off that mortal coil, she learned to be a part of society... Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragons.den.com) 838. And so, no longer nude...she came upon Rat, who promised to take her to HIM, but Rat was engrossed in video pleasures and so they knew eachother not for many more years... Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragons.den.com) 839. And then came the day of silk and lace and holey matrimony. James Bond was to be her bride, but she bit the strawberries in half and asked to have the best Rat instead, though she no not why... Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragons.den.com) 840. #682: Why would I be fearing a cannabis-induced haze? Surely, know ye not that I formed from the smoke of the Holy Weed? Like Aphrodite from the foam, so I am Jinxster of the Hash Smoke. Submitted: Jinxster 841. #678: Reaching deep inside, I discover the angrywhite presence, feeding off me like the thing from Alien. Not wishing to suffer Sigourney Weaver's fate, I walk to the still waters of Lake Erie. Dark, silent, cold, they ripple before me. I allow myself to sink deep beneath their depths, into the primeval waters beneath that underlie all the Earth. Submitted: Jinxster 842. Carried through the dark secret channels, I sink into a trancelike state and let my mind close down for winter. I see and hear the voices of my past calling to me, my parents warning me not to seek my drug-induced origins, my teachers telling me I had to conform, my friends laughingly naming me Jinxster, and that fateful day as I laid eyes on the realm called Top-N. Submitted: Jinxster 843. Deep inside the earth now, I feel the purifying waters wash around me and inside of me. The angrywhitecontamination screams in pain as it freezes then shatters. The waters wash the remains away. I float on, and watch as my physical form, forever stained with the angrywhiteness leaves the water for the fire. Thrown into the molten core of the earth, my body is destroyed, but my soul flies free. Submitted: Jinxster 844. In the water again, I'm pure now, bubbling up through underground streams until I find myself in a great river. The mighty Thames carries me in it's arms, carrying me home to London Town. As I pass the city, past Kingston, past Richmond, past Battersea, past Chelsea, and cruising under Waterloo Bridge, I leave the river and rise above. Back where I started, I'm on the riverbank. Down by the river are some tramps smoking hash. In the flame of their addiction, I am reborn. The smoke rises up and I take my new form from it, much like the old one, but stronger, sweeter, untouched. Alive, I run through the Streets of London. "Three hundred entries of hurt never stopped me dreaming! I'm coming home, I'm coming home, Jinxster's coming home!" my joyful refrain. Submitted: Jinxster 845. #743: No omen. The preceding 60 or so entries were also typed by me each time. Such is my desire to harness the dark forces. Submitted: Jinxster 846. #753 - #757: Kalhoun, why such hatred in one so young? Your surreal skill is not in doubt. Nor has it ever been. Feel the love of your fellow Top-Ners. Let us all gather round and hug him, let him know we care. PHOENIX TAKE YOUR HAND OFF MY BACKSIDE RIGHT NOW!!! Some people will insist on abusing my good nature! Submitted: Jinxster 847. #844 contd: But I look about me. This is not the fair city I know so well! This is not the fair Isle of Albion in which I came to being and which gave me my life! Submitted: Jinxster 848. I find myself in a parallel dimension, for the England of my own world has been annihilated, and I have been erased from history, by the one they call Kalhoun, Sith Lord of Michigan, Jedi of the Dark Side. Submitted: Jinxster 849. #848 contd: I am in a higher dimension. Purified and reborn, I have been returned to that world of which ours is but a pale shadow. This is the perfect England, the perfect London, and I am the perfect Jinxster. (No other kind, is there?) Submitted: Jinxster 850. Erased from history by the machinations of Kalhoun, I am now forced to return here. Part of me longs to stay forever, but I know I must get back there. My homeland in ruins, and the dull, drug-free, celibate morality of Kalhoun's rule is something that cannot be allowed to continue. The spirit of hedonism that is the Jinxster must bring life back to the barren land. Submitted: Jinxster 851. But how? How am I to enter a world where I cannot exist? The answer comes as a familiar icon from my childhood reasserts itself. A police box materialises beside me and out steps the one who rules time and space, the Doctor. Grabbing his autograph, and telling him I used to love his show, I ask if I can have a ride in the Tardis, before swiftly having to add "Not THAT sort of ride!". Sylvester McCoy was never like this... Submitted: Jinxster 852. After infusing me with the power of the Eye of Harmony, I am returned to the Kalhoun-world. As I step out into the open air, the cold still darkness is disturbed by a warm breeze as the clouds roll back and the sunshine warms the deprived Earth. As the light shines through, plants begin to grow once more, springing up like Zebedee on acid, and life returns once more to England. Britain rises up from the sea, and my homeland is restored. Submitted: Jinxster 853. Far away in Michigan, Kalhoun feels the presence of life, joy and happiness. Screaming in agony as he feels it disrupt the Force and undo the doublehelix twisting he's inflicted. The earth shakes, the clouds roll back, and life spreads out everywhere. Submitted: Jinxster 854. #851 Sylvester McCoy, No...But Colin Baker quite possibly. Besides, with each passing regeration without my precious Zero Room© I grow more and more unstable. Submitted: The Doctor 855. #846 Wasn't MY hand! Submitted: The Phoenix 856. (Ahem) Excuse me, let me rephrase that with proper emphasis. That wasn't my HAND. Submitted: The Phoenix 857. I awake in confusion, in darkness. I speak out, "Hello?" My voice echoes, as if I'm in a great cavern, or perhaps an auditorium. Suddenly a spotlight shines on the center of the room. Submitted: The Phoenix 858. A drumroll sounds. A voice from nowhere shouts "Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Mike!" A man in his mid twenties steps into the light. "I am Mike Bray" He says. Submitted: The Phoenix 859. I hear voices around me. "Mike?" "Mike Bray!" "Top-N god!" I realize I am not alone in the auditorium. Submitted: The Phoenix 860. Ladies and Gentlemen! And Aliens" He says, nodding to an unspecified corner of the room. "I have brought you here to meet each other. Whether it be for good or evil, it is for you to discover... Submitted: The Phoenix 861. The lights go on and Bray dissapears. I am in an auditorium with about 50 or so other people. "50? I thought there'd be fewer" I say. Some 12 year old nerd looks at me and asks "Who are you?" I ignore him, waiting to reveal myself when I know more. Submitted: The Phoenix 862. I look around, but I recognize no one. Wait! The Redhead, if the nose were a bit larger, Why yes! It's Sarah S-J, the butt of many a joke upon the net. Submitted: The Phoenix 863. "Wot the Bloody 'ell's goin' on 'ear?" Shouts a woman's voice. I turn around, and standing before me is the British lass, dressed all in black and more beautiful then a spring Rose. This must be Jinxster. Submitted: The Phoenix 864. Tearing my gaze away from her, I notice that the michigan group has found each other. I assume it is them because one holds a riding crop, and another wears a kilt. Submitted: The Phoenix 865. I look around, and hear a harsh, angry voice from behind me. "YOU! BITCH! C'MERE!!" I whirl around in time to avoid being knocked over by awm chasing some girl. Submitted: The Phoenix 866. After a bit, most of the regulars find each other and mill about confusedly. The Eternal, a handsome, wise looking character looks about and asks "Has anyone seen the Phoenix?, He may be calling himself ReedMan" Submitted: The Phoenix 867. A 14 year old pimply faced nerd walks up to Jinxster and says, rather laciviously "so, you're Jinxster" "And you are?" she asks annoyed. "I'm the Phoenix, but you can call me Hot Cheeks." Submitted: The Phoenix 868. Bitch, Dragonlady, TiGar and Amanda, all nearby giggle. "Sounds like him" "Randy as hell" "I dunno, I thought he'd be older" Submitted: The Phoenix 869. Jinxster glares at the impostor. "YOU are the imfamous Phoenix?" Before the cretin can reply, I smash a chair over his head. As he laspes into unconsciousness, he mumbles "Eat Beef" Submitted: The Phoenix 870. I look at Jinxster and wink sophisticatedly "How do you do, Phoenix at your service" She looks at me and begins to laugh Submitted: The Phoenix 871. Later on, Wolfie muses "How are we going to get out of here?" Just Me, a spunky little fellow, pipes up in his breaking voice "Has anyone tried the door?" Submitted: The Phoenix 872. "There is no door" intones The Eternal ominously. "Oh drat!" Grumbles psychobaby. Dragonlady gets bored and begins beating Rat with her riding crop. He sighs "Not again!" Submitted: The Phoenix 873. "There's ALWAYS a way out" I say. I have a sudden flash of inspiration. "Computer end Program" Submitted: The Phoenix 874. Suddenly we are revealed to be in the holoduck on the enterprise. I walk out the door and invite the others to come along. Submitted: The Phoenix 875. Dragonlady strides purposfully out, only to dissapear. It appears that some of us are only creations of the holodeck but there is no way to know for sure. Submitted: The Phoenix 876. One by one they exit the room and one by one they dissappear. TiGar, Rat, Just Me,Lord Kalhoun,Psychobaby, Alacorn, Crimson HellKite, Wolfie, Timm,Mad Max, Bogey, Sirius Submitted: The Phoenix 877. Bytch,Jinxster,Sarah S-J, Dangerman, ReidMan, CWN, TDNA, DoctorNurse,F/L Canuck ,The Aliens, Smelly Kat, Flowerchild all gone. Submitted: The Phoenix 878. Soon only awm remains inside. "Come out, are you afraid?" He looks at me "I am afraid of nothing" but hesitates before stepping through Submitted: The Phoenix 879. He does not disappear. "Just my luck." I say and grab the turkish sword from my sock and slice his head off. Submitted: The Phoenix 880. A 5 tonne wieght falls on my head and everything goes black. I wake up in my own bed. Wondering at the strange dream, I go to log onto top-n but it is not there. It's as if the site never existed. Submitted: The Phoenix 881. Their names are gone from my address book, the site gone from my bookmarks. "Strange" I remark. Submitted: The Phoenix 882. Suddenly, all memory of top-n purges itself from my mind. I am not who I thought I was. I am an English handmaiden in the 14th century to Peter the Great and his evil minion Barney. Submitted: The Phoenix 883. Such is the way that life crumbles the cookies and turns the milk sour. Submitted: The Phoenix 884. On the day that the Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse rode forth, and decided it was a good time for tea and scones, and feasted on the flesh of many apples, the Rat had a revelation... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.your.knowledge) 885. And the Rat speaketh... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.your.knowledge) 886. "Then I saw him open one of the seven seals, and I heard one of the four living creatures call out, as with a voice of thunder, 'Come!' Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse) 887. "I looked, and there was a white horse! It's rider had a bow; a crown was given to him, and he came out conquering and to conquer. Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse) 888. "When he opened the second seal, I heard the second living creature call out, 'Come!' Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse) 889. "And out came another horse, bright red; its rider was permitted to take peace from the earth, so that people would slaughter one another; and he was given a great sword. Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse) 890. "When he opened the third seal, I heard the third living creature call out, 'Come!' I looked, and there was a black horse! Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse) 891. "Its rider held a pair of scales in his hand, and I heard what seemed to be a voice in the midst of the four living creatures saying, 'A quart of wheat for a day's pay, and three quarts of barely, but do not damage the olive oil or the wine!' Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse) 892. "When he opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth living creature call out, 'Come!' I looked and there was a pale green horse! Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse) 893. "Its rider's name was Death, and Hades followed with him; they were given authority over a fourth of the earth, to kill with sword, famine, and pestilence, and by the wild animals of the earth. Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse) 894. "When he opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of those who had been slaughteredfor the word of God anmd for the testimony they had given; Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse) 895. "...they cried out with a loud voice, '...how long will it be before you judge and avenge our blood on the inhabitants of the earth?' Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse) 896. "They were given a white robe and told to rest a little longer, until the number would be complete both of their fellow servents and of their brothers and sisters, who were soon to be killed as they themselves had been killed. Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse) 897. "When he opened the sixth seal, I looked, and there came a great earthquake; the sun became black as sackcloth, the moon became like blood, Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse) 898. "and the stars of the sky fell to the earth as the fig tree drops its winter fruit when shaken by a gale. Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse) 899. "The sky vanished like a scroll rolling itself up, and every mountain and island was removed from its place." Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse) 900. Then the Rat took a little break for three years, and continued... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse) 901. "A great portent appeared in heaven: a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet, and on her head a crown of twelve stars. Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse) 902. "She was pregnant and was crying out in birthpangs, in agony of giving birth. Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse) 903. "Then another potent appeared in heaven: a great red dragon, with seven heads and ten horns, and seven diadems on his heads. Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse) 904. "His tail swept down a third of the stars of heaven and threw them to earth. Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse) 905. "Then the dragon stood before the woman who was about to bear a child, so that he might devour her child as soon as it was born. Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse) 906. "And she gave birth to a son, a male child, who is to rule all the nations with a rod of iron. Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse) 907. "But her child was snatched away and taken to Go and to his throne; and the woman fled to the wilderness, where she has a place prepared by God, so that there she can be nourished for 1260 days. Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse) 908. "... So when the dragon saw that he had been thrown down to earth, he pursued the woman who had given birth to the male child. Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse) 909. "But the woman was given the wings of the great eagle, so that she could fly from the serpent into the wilderness, to her place where she is nourished for a time, and times, and half a time." Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse) 910. And the Rat took another rest for .359 milliseconds, and feeling much more refreshed, continued... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse) 911. ".... And they assembled them at the place that in Hebrew is called Armeggedon. Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse) 912. "And the seventh angel poured forth his bowl into the air, and a loud voice came out of the temple, from the throne, saying, 'It Is Done!'" Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse) 913. Then the Rat, feeling quite tired now, closed the book which is the most surreal book of the book of books, and decided to sit down, so he jumped. Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse) 914. ".... And they assembled them at the place that in Hebrew is called Armeggedon. Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse) 915. "And the seventh angel poured forth his bowl into the air, and a loud voice came out of the temple, from the throne, saying, 'It Is Done!'" Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse) 916. Then the Rat, feeling quite tired now, closed the book which is the most surreal book of the book of books, and decided to sit down, so he jumped. Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse) 917. And landed in a field of green...where clouds about swirled like faces gazing down upon the mint jelly covered rose clutched in the teeth of a passing koala. "What a beautiful and calm place, for a little respite from the apocalypse." thought the Rat to himself. Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragons.den.com) 918. And so he found a soft clump of green green water and decided to float in it while trying to figure out just what the clouds were saying. And so Rat removed that item of Bruce tarten, laid his blades on the grass and slowly entered the warm green liquid. Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragons.den.com) 919. "AAAaahhhh." Moaned Rat. As the water washed away all aches and pains generated by cruel finals and long, hard papers. He laid back, closed his eyes, and floated on the surface of that warm liquid. Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragons.den.com) 920. Opening his eyes once more, he notices the aforementioned koala perched on the bank nearby, rose still clutched in its teeth. "Hi there. You're a cute little fellow." Rat is overcome by the cuddlieness of the little fellow and begins to swim over. When a lance flies through the air and impales the marsupial! Its dying screams are drowmed out by a triumphant shout from behind. "LUNCH TIME!!" Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragons.den.com) 921. Rat swivels around to find a tall lady minotaur and a female dragon on the opposite bank. The dragoness is stroking his claymore, and the minotaur is smirking at him, her hoof planted on his kilt. Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragons.den.com) 922. Do the two horrendous creatures dare to watch the Rat bathe? Braver eyes than mine would quail at such a sight. The very thought turns my stomach and ties it into a square knot and several Don Knotts. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(kalhoun@geocities.com) 923. It turns out they were merely on a panty-raid and, seeing the Rat's kilt, naturally assumed the bather to be female. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(kalhoun@geocities.com) 924. Upon seeing the Rat's skeletal frame, however, the minotaur and dragon fled in terror. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(kalhoun@geocities.com) 925. At that moment a new figure appeared in the idyllic wasteland; from the eerie flame and intoxicating aroma I can only assume it was the Phoenix. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(kalhoun@geocities.com) 926. I couldn't see clearly, you understand; my eyes were still in pain from seeing the Rat. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(kalhoun@geocities.com) 927. After looking around for a bit, and smashing a chair over some unfortunate's head, he shouted out, "Computer, end program!" Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(kalhoun@geocities.com) 928. Suddenly all the scenery disappeared. One by one, as they left the holodeck, they turned and saw the naked Rat, and immediately disintegrated from the shock and horror. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(kalhoun@geocities.com) 929. Soon it was my turn to exit the twin metal doors, but I was quicker than most! "Picard to bridge," I spoke quietly into my communicator, "beam me to the bridge on my signal." Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(kalhoun@geocities.com) 930. I walked out and, without turning to my death as the others before and after me, I said very quietly, "now." Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(kalhoun@geocities.com) 931. The ignorant fools! They had no idea that a transporter had whisked me away. I had a plan, however, to keep the program running. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(kalhoun@geocities.com) 932. "Only let's make it more interesting this time, Number One," I said to Riker, "Let's make this Phoenix character really miserable." Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(kalhoun@geocities.com) 933. So we changed the program without his knowledge, as he was merely an experiment in artificial computer intelligence designed by good Ensign Crusher. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(kalhoun@geocities.com) 934. We shifted him back to what we made him think was his own room, but without the entertainment luxury we had afforded it before, called "Top-M" or something. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(kalhoun@geocities.com) 935. Then, we gave Wesley a really ripping new experiment for the subject program: a random setting generator to really confuse it! Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(kalhoun@geocities.com) 936. Strangely, it seemed not to really care; it just kept on smoking some sort of plant leaves. We must note this in our report. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(kalhoun@geocities.com) 937. End captain's log, stardate 50235.4 Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(kalhoun@geocities.com) 938. #933 Crusher!?!?!? That whining, upstaging, prepubescent, look-at-me-I'm-so-special-I've-gone-to-higher-planes, fool!?!?! Oh you bastard!! You cruel cruel bastard!! Submitted: The Phoenix 939. After several days of randomly switching between rather odd settings, I began to realize that something was amiss. So that night, as I pretended to sleep, I saw an eerie sight. A door opened on the cave wall ( I was in a paleolithic setting) and a short Submitted: The Phoenix 940. It looked to make sure I was asleep then said to a door panel, "Computer, activate Random Environment Program Crusher 3 Theta Alpha Epilon Pi Gamma Gamma Gamma 1 3 4 mü sigma 4. Suddenly I was somewhere else. Submitted: The Phoenix 941. I was in a desert "Arrakis" said the wind.So I wandered around, avoiding wierding modules and worms until nightfall when the evil thing would come again Submitted: The Phoenix 942. Not remembering the full access code (The Crusher had been smart to make it so long) I would have to be quick on my feet. Submitted: The Phoenix 943. I tensed myself to action. When the Crusher came to activate it's program, it neglected to make sure I was asleep, so sure it was of success. Submitted: The Phoenix 944. As he exited, I jumped up and quickly put my foot in the door and took a look at the program Submitted: The Phoenix 945. "Simple enough to change" I said to myself, I would not escape, but I would beat the Chrusher at his own game. I reset the program using a Star Trek VCR tape that i found in my hat. Submitted: The Phoenix 946. Satisfied that I could create a situation which I would win, I slept. Submitted: The Phoenix 947. I was awakened by the sound of fighting in the corridor, I looked and saw klingons and humans fighting. I also saw a poorly rendered glowing thing in the corner. I laughed at it and it went away. Submitted: The Phoenix 948. Trelane made me play on his planet, but I shot his mirror and he went away. I played Charlie X at chess and let him win, afterwards I found no melted peices. Submitted: The Phoenix 949. Growing tired of defeating bad actors in a poorly budgeted show, I walked out of the holodeck to face the Crusher Submitted: The Phoenix 950. "Hey!, YOu aren't supposed to be here!" He whined. I stuck a orange in his mouth and slapped him with a trout. He ran off to whine to his mother. Submitted: The Phoenix 951. I went to the bridge, Picard was not there but Riker just grinned stupidly at me, Data said "Fascinating", Geordi adjusted his visor and Troi adjusted her cleavage. Submitted: The Phoenix 952. I inquired as to the wherabouts of Picard. "I sense he is in the Ready Room,oops! excuse me!" Said Troi, as her left breast popped out. Submitted: The Phoenix 953. I looked at her, "You should wear more clothing" I said to her. "Dont speak to my Imzadi in that manner!" Said Riker as he blocked my way to the ready room. I pointed, "Look! An Orion Slave Girl!" Submitted: The Phoenix 954. He whirled around, "Where?!" As I slipped past him into the ready room. What I found there was not a site for those who would wish to keep a sound mind. I had lost mine long ago and had no such worries Submitted: The Phoenix 955. It was Picard, but no Picard I knew, it was not bald, the hair was so natty that I figured it must be a touppé Submitted: The Phoenix 956. I thought it was Kirk for a moment, but Kirk never wore a flannel dishrag. Kirk also never stood laughing evilly and speaking to a goldfish. Submitted: The Phoenix 957. "Hee hee hee, I've defeated him! I've won! He'll never get out of this one!" The childish glee was interesting and I watched bemused. Submitted: The Phoenix 958. Nice.."Kilt" I said to him, pointing at what was obviously a tattered dishrag. He stopped and looked at me, disdain dripped from his voice and stained the carpet. "It was that demented woman, she stole it, she stole my kilt!" Submitted: The Phoenix 959. "But you dont even wear a Kilt, the Rat does" I say to him. He looked at me and said "Shut up, it's surreal" Perhaps I am Rat, perhaps I am Kalhoun, perhaps I am both. Submitted: The Phoenix 960. For a moment my head realed but then I realized what was happening. "You wont defeat me with such metaphysical talk!" I say. "Oh drat" said he. Submitted: The Phoenix 961. There is no cheese here. Submitted: The Phoenix 962. INTERMISSION Submitted: The Phoenix 963. It was a warp bubble, trapping us both in a stable universe created by the twisted whims and desires of the Lord Kalhoun. As I realized that, the microuniverse responded to my thoughts and presented a way out. Submitted: The Phoenix 964. "Fine leave!" He said, I can create another you! It's my universe! MINE!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!" Submitted: The Phoenix 965. "Oh no" I said to him, you are having entirely too much fine in here. I'm taking you back with me" "Never!" he shouted "Over my dead body!" "If necessary" I mused. Submitted: The Phoenix 966. I turned into the Phoenix and gripped the reluctant passenger in my talons. I flung us both into the real world, but in the passageway between realities, the temporal vortexes lessened my control over the situation Submitted: The Phoenix 967. As I lost the form of a phoenix, I transferred my momentum control to his body and flung him to his home in Michigan. I reasoned he could do no further harm in the land that imprisoned him. Submitted: The Phoenix 968. Having controlled his landing point, I now had no control over my own. I knew not where I would land, but I worried myself more with taunting the poor bastard Submitted: The Phoenix 969. Before he fell out of range, I shouted after him, "Have fun writing your papers!" The last thing I heard before losing consciousness was his shouting. "I'll get yoooooooo..." Submitted: The Phoenix 970. I awoke sometime later to find myself on a couch in an unknown locale. Submitted: The Phoenix 971. A women walked into the room. "Up are ya guvner? I found some frozen kippers in the fridge, if ya feel like eatin'" "Where am I?" i asked. Submitted: The Phoenix 972. "Ye 'ave a real bender last night? I found ye asleep on my porch when I got back from the pub las' night, I put ye on the couch" Submitted: The Phoenix 973. Suddenly I realized that I had been thrown to Jinxster's house. As I filled her in on the battle, she chuckled appreciatively Submitted: The Phoenix 974. " 'e never stops, that tosspot" "I never stop either" I say. But she'll have none of that "Get out of my house!" I leave. Submitted: The Phoenix 975. Suddenly I realize that I am in the middle of England with no idea how to get home and no holodeck to turn to this time. Submitted: The Phoenix 976. I walk to Dangerman's place but he's no help. All he can do is make jokes about Ring of Fires and big noses and complain about his aching arms. Submitted: The Phoenix 977. So I walk to the BBC studios to look for the TARDIS. I find it in an old storage room. As I enter, I am greeted by the Doctor. Submitted: The Phoenix 978. "I know you" He says. "Yes, I've called upon your services before to help defeat Kalhoun/Master and restore the Jinxster to this earth. Submitted: The Phoenix 979. "Yes, has Kalhoun once again terrorized the earth?" "Yes, but I defeated him fine enough, but now I just need to get home." "Easier said that done, you know how the TARDIS is on short hops" Submitted: The Phoenix 980. I knew only too well, but took the chance anyway. On the first try, he got the location right, but the time was 30000 years in the future. "This wont do" I said. "try again" Submitted: The Phoenix 981. Keeping the locale the same, we went backwards in time we went several million years too far. We were in ocean because at this time all the land was Pangea on the opposite side of the globe Submitted: The Phoenix 982. Let's try again. I knew that I wouldn't be getting out of this soon Submitted: The Phoenix 983. So, after several tries, and several adventures, during which the doctor and I defeated the Daleks, Cybermen, Silurians and the Master, I finally returned home Submitted: The Phoenix 984. As the TARDIS left, I heard a familiar voice from the corner. Submitted: The Phoenix 985. Who is it? Submitted: The Phoenix 986. Why was he here? Submitted: The Phoenix 987. What did he want? Submitted: The Phoenix 988. It was Kalhoun. Submitted: The Phoenix 989. He had accepted defeat but wanted revenge for the final insult I had sallied upon him Submitted: The Phoenix 990. Defeat was bitter enough without the cruel reminder of school! Submitted: The Phoenix 991. But no more cruel than using Wesley Crusher to torment me Submitted: The Phoenix 992. He agreed at that, "But I still must destroy you" Submitted: The Phoenix 993. I hit him with a sock. "Sorry, Homey dont play that" Submitted: The Phoenix 994. He was dumbfounded Submitted: The Phoenix 995. I said, annoyed "Are you still here?" Submitted: The Phoenix 996. I hit him with a salmon and that got him to leave. I turned into a phoenix to hasten his return home. As I dropped him in mIchigan, he was annoyed. Submitted: The Phoenix 997. Some people can be so ungrateful Submitted: The Phoenix 998. The pencil sharpener will not sharpen your wits, and does not do anything for thinning hair Submitted: The Phoenix 999. Limits are necessary Submitted: The Phoenix 1000.1000!!! It's all mine! Such a thing has not happened since the pre-pruning paintball list! And this list is all good! NO pruning will be here! Submitted: The Phoenix 1001."I knew it." Phoenix turns to find Dragonlady behind him. "When I logged off yesterday, my Rat/Dragonlady/Lady Artist Minotaur sequence unfinished, I knew that I would come back to find just enough entries to hit 1000." Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragons.den.com) 1002."Well congratulations. I think that this special occasion requires a special celebration. Unpack my bags!" Dragonlady gestures to several large black leather bags sitting nearby. Her voice compels Phoenix to obey her every command. Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragons.den.com) 1003.He mentally takes stock of the items as he unpacks, and wonders just what sort of celebration Dragonlady has in mind. Riding crop, jalapeno chocolate sauce, Bowie cds, handcuffs, whips, various items of leather clothing, feathers, flails, soft sable paintbrushes... Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragons.den.com) 1004.#1000: Congrats, oh surreal master. But I see the preceding entries also came from your fertile mind. Proving that, like me, you'll do anything to be the one to hit a certain number in any given list. Verily, thou art a sad individual. Submitted: Jinxster 1005.I feel I must complain about your depiction of my voice though. I do not talk like Dick Van Dyke's mother, contrary to popular belief. My accent is the height of respectability. When I want it to be. Submitted: Jinxster 1006.But on with my surreal sequence. Continuing where I left off, from #853 or thereabouts. (You'll like this one! Especially you, Dangerman. And Kalhoun, you'll love the ending.) Submitted: Jinxster 1007.He screams in terror. "NOOOO!!!! You're destroyed!!! You can't be here!!!" I just laugh. "You will never defeat me. Learn to live with me, you might as well. Give in, you might enjoy it." I giggle like an innocent child as love and life begin to take him. Submitted: Jinxster 1008.Riding down from Bournemouth, the home of all that is Satanic, I see the Four Arsemen of the Apocalypse, each riding on a thorough bred pedigree arse. Led by Dangerman, accompanied by his three faithful lieutenants, Housemate Mark, Sarah S-J, and One Other Bloke Who We Just Dragged In Off The Street To Make Up The Numbers. Submitted: Jinxster 1009."Are you come to bring about the end of the world and all within it?" I ask Dangerman. "Er, no, we're just going to kick in that Kalhoun tosser." "Oh. Right. Fair enough. I'll, er, leave you to get on with it then, shall I?" Submitted: Jinxster 1010.They speed their merry way across the Atlantic and come across Kalhoun making his last defiant stand by the side of Lake Erie. "You cannot destroy me!!", he screams, foaming at the mouth in a way vaguely reminiscent of Margaret Thatcher in full swing. "You don't frighten me!!!" "We may not, but this lot will." Dangerman chuckles. "Housemate Mark, Sarah S-J, Other Bloke, bring me the secret weapon!!" Submitted: Jinxster 1011.Kalhoun quails as a ghettoblaster and a CD bearing a horrific sight on the sleeve are produced from out of nowhere. "No!!! Not that!!! Anything but that!!!" "Oh yes!!" gloats the posterior-riding one. "For your crimes against humanity, namely the forbidding of beer, drugs, sex for any purpose other than children, transvestitism.. er, not that we indulge in that in any way, of course not, robbing us of warmth and sunlight and perhaps worst of all, wearing white socks with grey flannel suits, there can be only one punishment! You have to face the awesome, omnipotent power of..... THE SPICE GIRLS!!!!!!" Submitted: Jinxster 1012.Laughing manically as Kalhoun howls in pain and rage, Dangerman hits the play button and the strains of 'Wannabe' hit the air. Writhing in agony, frothing at the mouth, Kalhoun twists as the awful sound takes hold and forces him to dance to it. He finds the terrible words "Oh, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want." passing his lips. The evil presence of the Master within can take no more. Such hedonistic niceness is too much. The Master leaves Kalhoun and runs screaming for the safety of the Lake. But too late! Submitted: Jinxster 1013.Summoned by their girl power anthem, The Deadly Quintet, Mel B, Mel C, Geri, Victoria and Emma rise to greet him and drag him into their world of bright colours, nubile young females, pop tunes, and Lycra, where he will trouble humanity no more. (Lucky bastard.) Submitted: Jinxster 1014.The evil presence is gone forever. Earth is restored to a beautiful, Eden-like state. Somewhere in a field in Michigan, Kalhoun lies unconscious. He sleeps peacefully like a child. Leaving the Arsemen behind (heh heh heh, 'behind'.) telling them to meet me in the pub later, (even goddesses need to drink!), I cast about, looking for a way to ensure Kalhoun is never prey to an evil force again. Then I see it. Submitted: Jinxster 1015.Or rather, Her. Lord Kalhoun's true love, spiritual partner, and Ideal Woman. Far away, sitting by a stream, a picture of innocence and beauty, sighing softly, looking for her knight in shining armour. Submitted: Jinxster 1016.I come to her and say "I can't give you a knight in shining armour, but will he do?" I show her Kalhoun sleeping in the meadow. "Oh yes!" she gasps. "That would be wonderful! He's gorgeous!" Submitted: Jinxster 1017.Smiling, I lead her to him, and watch as he opens his eyes to gaze adoringly into hers. Smiling shyly at each other, she pulls him to his feet and, arm in arm, they go off into the sunset. And I know that that's one man who'll never threaten humanity again. Submitted: Jinxster 1018.HEY GUYS! I made entry #511 on the surreal list, you know what that means. KaBOOM! Submitted: ChAoS 1019.HEY GUYS! I made entry #511 on the surreal list, you know what that means. KaBOOM! Submitted: ChAoS 1020.HEY GUYS! I made entry #511 on the surreal list, you know what that means. KaBOOM! Submitted: ChAoS 1021.HEY GUYS! I made entry #511 on the surreal list, you know what that means. KaBOOM! Submitted: ChAoS 1022.HEY GUYS! I made entry #511 on the surreal list, you know what that means. KaBOOM! Submitted: ChAoS 1023.#1004 I suppose it doth take one to know one. And my mind is more fetid than fertile. As you can plainly see. Submitted: The Phoenix 1024.#1013 Oh! Verily rejoiceful! The Master be defeated, and since the Spice trancends time and space, he will forever never bother us again. Submitted: The Phoenix 1025.The Spice IS the girls! The Girls IS the Spice! Submitted: The Phoenix 1026.The Master be defeated forever, but there is another, a Time Lord whose fiendishness was only matched by the Master's. A fiendishness compounded by the fact that this Time Lord is Female. Submitted: The Phoenix 1027.Yes! The Rani, an old foe of the Doctor's as well and ally to the Master is not happy at his defeat. She too can inhabit the bodies of others, but being a woman, it is known whom she shall choose Submitted: The Phoenix 1028.Kalhoun, his spirit weakened by repeated defeat is not a suitable choice anyway, the Rani searches the land for one worthy of her...shall we say "guidance" Submitted: The Phoenix 1029.Lo! She finds one, a female who's fire and drive match her own. Thinking it the ultimate irony to choose the Kalhoun's arch rival (well, one of them anyway) she takes control of our lady Dragon. Submitted: The Phoenix 1030.But all is not lost! The Rani did not anticipate the power of a Dragon's will! (Having been one myself, I know it to be strong) Submitted: The Phoenix 1031.I sense the evil to the east and, as a Phoenix, I land nearby as the fierce battle of wills is played out within the Lady Dragon's shapely body. Submitted: The Phoenix 1032.Will the Dragon's purpose be lost and it's will be subverted to evil? Such a powerful will bent on evil would be a horrible thing Submitted: The Phoenix 1033.But! If the Rani's force were to be subsumed by the Lady dragon then an empire of hedonism might arise such as not been seen since...well Thursday. Submitted: The Phoenix 1034.After some time of waiting, it appears that the battle is finished, at first the face of the Lady Dragon is confused, as if wondering herself who has one, but then she sees what lies on the ground Submitted: The Phoenix 1035.As she picks up her riding crop, her body begins to radiate an unholy aura. I kneel before her and say in a quivering voice "Oh Lady Dragon, I have been naughty, punish me" Submitted: The Phoenix 1036.In such close proximity to the powerful aura of the Lady Dragon, elements of my phoenix DNA begin to stir. Being made up of a variety of aliasal DNA's, I am a conglomeration of all I was before Submitted: The Phoenix 1037.But one element is strengthened by the heat of the Lady Dragon, I feel my self changing into an old, familiar form... Submitted: The Phoenix 1038.She speaks "You shall rule at my side, but first things first..." As the riding crop beings to sing through the air, I dare to look up into the visage her face with a evil smile upon it that I have seen many times before. Submitted: Dragonlord(Kneeling@before.the.Lady.Dragon) 1039.This could be fun..... Submitted: Dragonlord(Kneeling@before.the.Lady.Dragon) 1040.Toilets are not lightbulbs and do not go in lamps Submitted: Eggs and Sand 1041.A man dressed in blue appears out of nowhere. "Aye, this be the place known as Top'n?" He stares around in angry confusion. "'Tis not what I expected." Submitted: Stile(phaze_adept@hotmail.com) 1042.It astounds me how this list grows and grows. Over a hundred entries have come since I checked the list... only yesterday! Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1043.Weakened by my repeated possessions by the Master, I remember a time long past. I tire. I sleep. I dream of this place, clear in my mind's eye as if it were yesterday. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1044.I was about my merry business as usual, skipping through the forest and picking flowers. I was but an elfling -- this must have been eons ago, in the first dawning of the world. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1045.Happy and carefree I was. What must have happened in the intervening years, to make me so dark and evil? Oh, the horrors! This was the fateful day. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1046.I remember now: as I hopped from stone to stone to cross the river, as I had many times before, I saw something new. A bird! A large, magnificent bird! Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1047.It saw me at the same moment, and as it veered toward me I could see it was no ordinary bird. It was a phoenix, or perhaps even a dragon! I could not tell which; it seemed to have elements of both. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1048.As it approached I wanted to run, to scream in terror, to hide! I could not move and my lips were silent despite the best of my efforts to shout for help. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1049.The hideous half-breed descended and perched on the boulder not ten feet in front of me. "Hello, young creature. What kind of animal are you?" it asked. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1050."A... an... elf..." I stammered. "Ooh, I've heard of those," said the phoenix-dragon. "Not very impressive, when you see one." Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1051.Not knowing what to say, and still petrified by its evil gaze, I stood mute. It pored over me for what seemed like hours, though it was probably only a few seconds, and then quickly grasped me in its talons and took me to his cave. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1052.I don't recall much of the flight; at this point I was frightened beyond reason. As it dropped me on the rim of the mountain in front of the entrance to his cave, I came to. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1053.I tried to run, but the 8,000-foot cliff of sheer rock below me quickly changed my mind. "There is no escape," said the creature, "and soon you will be food for my little phoenix-dragonlings." Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1054.I sat and wept: what a horrible fate for an innocent lad, and nothing I could to to avoid it. I heard the snap of a whip and wondered if I might be rescued. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1055.But no! It was worse; it was the mating time for the phoenix-dragon and his lover, a gruesome lady dragon. I averted my eyes, but could not avoid hearing the CRACK! of the whip and the breaking of furniture. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1056.Finally it was over. Exhausted by their efforts, the two dragons ignored me for the moment. Now was my chance, if only I could find a way to escape! Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1057.Looking all around, I found nothing which could aid my exit. I despaired then, and began to weep again. Suddenly I heard a soft ringing, as perhaps a set of jingle-bells might make. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1058.I looked up and saw a small yellow light coming towards me from the clouds. I knew it must be a pixie! The diminutive winged humanoid alighted on the ledge next to me. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1059."My name is Jinxster!" she proclaimed happily, "keeper of all which is good and true and beautiful and fun." "Yes," I said, "but how does that help ME?" Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1060."I may be seven inches tall, but I'm stronger than I look!" she said, and she picked me up by my hair and carried me away from the dragons' lair. She set me down on some daisies. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1061."There you are; go in peace!" she said, and flitted away like a hummingbird. But it was too late for peace. The phoenix-dragon experience had scarred me forever. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1062.For who could witness dragons mating and yet remain sane? Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1063.I awoke again in the present. I wonder what happened to Jinxster, to turn her from a carefree, loving pixie into a warrior against all that I held dear. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1064.I knew now from whence my schizophrenia and evil came, however: that dragon and his lady! I must seek out and destroy them while there is still time. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1065."But wait!" a voice inside me says, "you must sleep a little longer." I sleep some more. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1066.I reawake, only to find staring at me the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I am washed clean in her love; all my dragon-influenced sins are swept away as if they had never existed. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1067.The Master... hah! Dragons... hah! Their evil can harm me no more. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1068.Jinxster, though, is another matter. Once good herself, she can become good again, as have I. I must persuade her. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1069.She resists! I am perplexed by her amazing ability to misunderstand my every statement -- almost deliberately, it seems. Still I try. I cannot cease in my quest for truth. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1070.Every once in a while, she reluctantly nods in agreement! I am making progress! Now and again she vehemently says, "Of course!" But she always sinks back into contrariness. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1071.What can I say to her? What will it take for her to become that cute, lovable pixie again? I wish I knew. I wish I knew. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1072.And ever since she helped me from the dragons' lair, my hair has never been quite the same. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1073.#1058-59: A pixie? A pixie!!! You bastard!! How could you?? The shame, the shame... This insult will not go unavenged. Submitted: Jinxster 1074.#1063: The socialist paganist cyberdemon and the cute lovable pixie (a pixie? Why?) are both part of me. You cannot have one without the other. Destroy one and the other will cease to exist also. The cyberdemon gives me the strength and will to fight! The pixie gives the ability to play. I need both. Submitted: Jinxster 1075.#1068: Oh hell... Goddess preserve me... I know exactly where this is leading! Submitted: Jinxster 1076.#1069: Almost deliberately?? Why you... I'll have you know there's no almost about it! Submitted: Jinxster 1077.#1071: Cute?? Lovable?! You're adding insult to injury now!! People don't think of me as cute and lovable, they're scared of me. Submitted: Jinxster 1078.1018-1022: REPETITIVE PLAGARISTIC IMPOSTER!!!!!!!!! Submitted: ChAoS 1079.#1039, Phoenix's transformations is now complete. Dragonlord kneels before Dragonlady once more. Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragon.dominatrix.com) 1080.A look of tenderness enters her eyes, "It has been far to long my Lord." He gazes up into her eyes, "Indeed it has." She smiles and asks, "Did you mention something about fun and hedonism?" "Yes..." Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragon.dominatrix.com) 1081."Well lets get started! Kiss my thigh!"... Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragon.dominatrix.com) 1082.#1081 I'll send in a probe to South Carolina to make sure it's safe. Submitted: Dragonlord(@dragons.den) 1083.#1073-1077: "I must have struck pretty close to the truth to get her all worked up like that, huh?" -- Han Solo. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1084.#1082: No, I think her thigh is closer to the size of NORTH Carolina. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1085.Jinxster the pixie looked up at the towering daisy. "Such a big flower, the daisy," she said to herself. "I love flowers." Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1086.She walked on and saw a small stream. "I love the sound of water flowing. I love EVERYTHING!" she said. And she did, for she was a cute, lovable pixie. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1087.All she did was go around looking at nature and having fun. It's lots of fun to be a pixie, because you think everything is fun. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1088.Waterfalls are transfixing; she could stare at them for hours and not be bored. The mountains were fun to fly around. Sometimes she'd be extra-lucky and get to fly in the rain. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1089.The life of a pixie is simple and joyous. She helps all the innocent creatures to escape from the evil traps of the dragons. The dragons can't hurt her. Submitted: anonymous 1090.She's a PIXIE, she's a PIXIE. She loves to be a PIXIE. She loves to serve the Faerie Queen. Submitted: anonymous 1091.She loves to flit and fly; it's fun! She loves to play out in the sun. The bugs, the grass, they bring her joy; the sticks and pebbles are her toys! Submitted: anonymous 1092.Then, one evil day, long after Kalhoun had been possessed by the Master but still ages before the present, she was flying in a rainstorm and was hit by lightning. Submitted: anonymous 1093.Trapped in the lightning was the spirit of the Cyberdemon! It took its only chance to escape and possessed the little sprite. Submitted: anonymous 1094."HEY GUYS!" it shouted. "I made entry #511 on the surreal list, you know what that means. KaBOOM!" Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1095.And with that cry the little pixie began to change. She grew and grew until she was as tall as a short human, and her wings dropped off. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1096.She lost her wondrous golden hue and became a creature of the night, afraid of the lights of the day, for they would seek her out and reveal her true self. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1097.The cyberdemon did not want that, so it kept her secluded away in the confines of caves during the day, and she traveled alone and hungry through the night. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1098.The cyberdemon took ill care of its host, the formerly cute and loving pixie. Soon she became a wraith, and frightened away all who saw her hideous visage. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1099.No one suspected that this wraith was the very same pixie they missed so much. Soon all memory of the happy fairy had faded from their minds. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1100.Somewhere, though, deep inside the sprite's own memory lies a faint glimmer of what was, and what yet still may be. All there needs to be is a glimpse of the bright sunlight. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1101.Whoops! #1089-1093 are mine, too. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1102.The Four Arsemen arrived yesterday to begin work on "Apocalypse", a made-for-TV movie. Probably end up being a miniseries. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1103.Guest starring the Rat, as RuPaul. Also starring: Dragonlord, as The Beast; Jinxster, as the Cute and Happy Pixie; and Lord Kalhoun I, as the Heroic Hero. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1104.TiGar as a bag lady who gets eaten by the Beast, Dangerman as the master of the Arsemens' arses, Just Me as a pedestrian who gets hit by the arses'... well, you'll see. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1105.ChAoS as himself, angrywhitemale as President Bill Clinton, Dragonlady as the First Lady, and James Earl Jones as the voice of God. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1106.The goat in the yard next door bleated like a tortured infant. It saw the President, walking up to the microphone to make an announcement to the American people. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1107."My fellow Americans," he said, "as your duly elected President, I now cede control of this great republic to my new master, the Beast. Thank you." Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1108.At once the Beast leapt from his seat and sprung into action. He devoured all of Congress, the President, RuPaul, and a bag lady in less than a minute, and took the first lady away to be his concubine. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1109.ChAoS ensues, and the crowd scatters. Dangerman enters, and with him the Four Arsemen. "Ha-HA!" they exclaim in unison, as they perform the Amigo Salute. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1110.The Arsemen march upon the stronghold of the Beast, followed by a curious onlooker who steps in a little gift the Arsemens' arses left behind for him. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1111."SHIT!!" he cries, for so it was. "And in #1111, too. Such a great number -- four digits, all the same -- wasted on what? ON SHIT!!" Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1112.He trips and gets a mouthful of it. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1113.Meanwhile, the Beaming, Joyful Pixie flits to and fro. She exclaims, "Isn't that lovely!" when she sees a horde of dung beetles following the Arsemen. She wanders on, looking at the trees as if for the first time. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1114."Lovely, wonderful, good, and beautiful," she says. And so they would be, on a normal day. But this was hardly normal! For the Beast had control of the Republic, and all Hell was literally breaking loose. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1115.The pixie sensed this, and knew there was only one person to whom she could turn: the great and mighty woodland king, Lord Kalhoun I. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1116.She quickly journeyed to his forest home in Michigan (she could fly faster than the speed of sound) and summoned the Great King from his post-exam slumber. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1117."Wake up! WAKE UP!!" she yelled. "What is it? Is it 2004 already?" he asked. "I set my alarm for 2003 but I think I remember hitting the snooze button." Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1118."Or was that yesterday at noon? No matter. What is it, cute and loving sprite? What great need necessitates my sage advice or strong hand in battle?" Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1119."The... the Beast! He has... has taken..." "Patience, little fairy," said Kalhoun (for he was a kindly lord), "I see you are out of breath. Have a drink of water." Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1120.After two or three minutes Jinxster was able to speak again. "The Beast has conquered the Republic!" she said, "and he is hiding in his cave in POrtladn, OreGOn. The Arsemen are out to stop him but I fear they cannot." Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1121."At least, not without your help." Kalhoun considered this, and then said, "Little pixie, I shall come with you to see this Beast. I see he has you worried, and no woodland creature is frightened without good cause." Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1122.They traveled to PorTland, Roegon, and saw the Cave of the Beast from afar. "I hear a whip cracking; could the Arsemen have already come and defeated the Beast?" asked Jinxster. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1123."No," came Kalhoun's reply, "it is a Dragon's mating ritual. You shall probably hear furniture breaking in a moment." Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1124.As if on cue, a large desk hurtled out of the cave at high speed, as if flung by a great force. It was badly scuffed as if by claw marks. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1125.The desk landed where Jinxster had been but seconds before, but Kalhoun had seen it coming and whisked her out of its path. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1126."You should be careful," he scolded her, "dragons have been known to throw furniture more than three miles when they get excited." Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1127.Behind them they then heard a noise in the undergrowth: it was the Three Arsemen! The Fourth had eaten a bad batch of burritos when they stopped at Taco Bell and was detained for a while. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1128."How shall we attack, my lord?" asked the Second Arseman. "Perhaps if we built a large wooden badger?" Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1129."No, such simple tricks will not work against a dragon," answered the supremely wise Kalhoun. "Nor shall force prevail. We must be extremely subtle and clever." Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1130."First, we shall wait till the two (or possibly more) of them finish their ritual of mating. They will be exhausted. This may take a while, and it will give us time to plan. Six days, perhaps." Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1131."They'll be exhausted for six days!?" asked the Third Arseman incredulously. "No, of course not," said Kalhoun, "they won't be DONE for six days. THEN they'll be exhausted." Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1132."But only for a few hours, at most, so we must time our attack precisely." "What are we to do, then?" asked the pixie. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1133."First, we must rest," directed Kalhoun. They all slept for five days. When they awoke, they found the Fourth Arseman had come from his recent ordeal. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1134."I pledge my service and my life to the Great Lord Kalhoun of the Forest," he said, "and I wish his plan success, or we all are doomed." Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1135."Hear, hear!" exclaimed the rest, as the sounds of continued dragon-mating rang throughout the forest and the mountain range. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1136.Kalhoun's plan was simple but elegant: the Four Arsemen would each cover an entrance to the cave with their arses. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1137.Then Kalhoun the King and Jinxster the pixie would give the signal, and the arses were to do what they did best. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1138.All of a sudden, a small, quiet yell could be heard, but it was getting louder. "What could that be?" wondered Jinxster. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1139."aaaaAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!!!" it continued, until they heard a muffled "oof!" and saw a badly-burned RuPaul in a plaid skirt fall not twenty feet from where they stood. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1140."How did you escape? I saw you eaten by the Beast!" exclaimed the First Arseman. "I was flung out of his stomach by a particularly passionate blow from a chair," he explained. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1141."Well now, friend... can you stand?" asked Kalhoun. "I -- ouch! -- think so, King." And he stood and looked around. "Quite a bunch you have here," he said. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1142."But I don't think it'll be enough to defeat the dragons." "Nonsense, friend," said Jinxster in her squeaky voice, and she explained Kalhoun's brilliant plan. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1143."Ooh!" said RuPaul, "that might work!" All together they waited now, and they knew the end was close, for the noise was elevating considerably. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1144.The noise became deafening, and then suddenly stopped. "Five... four... three... two... one... NOW!" shouted Kalhoun. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1145.Quickly the Arsemen raced up the mountain to the four cave entrances. Jinxster picked up Kalhoun and RuPaul and took them to a point high above the mountain, in clear view to give the signal. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1146.The Arsemen were in place. It was now or never. Kalhoun raised his arm, and dropped it: the signal! The Arsemen commenced... well, you know. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1147.As the cave became filled with feces, they could hear the agonized screams of the dragons, who were now terrified and up to their ears in it. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1148.Kalhoun gave the signal again when the caves began to overflow. The Arsemen ceased, and journeyed back down the mountain. Jinxster and Kalhoun were there to join them. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1149."Where's RuPaul?" asked the Third Arseman. Kalhoun and Jinxster looked around and at each other. Kalhoun said, "I don't know! He was here just a minute ago." Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1150."Look!" shouted the Fourth Arseman, "the cave!" At the mouth of the main entrance to the Cave of the Beast appeared a filthy, sewage-covered figure. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1151."NOO! Look what you've DONE!" screamed the figure. It was the voice of the Beast, but the body was that of a man. It was ReedMan! Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1152.His flames quenched by a load of crap, he had ceased to be the Dragonlord and thus the Beast. He could not return to his Phoenix- or Dragon-form any time soon. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1153."We've won!" shouted Jinxster, as the bag lady climbed out of the cave-turned-septic tank. Then President Clinton emerged. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1154.The Arsemen gasped, Kalhoun grated his teeth, and Jinxster wore an expression of pure rage. The bag lady pushed the President back into the cave, and all rejoiced. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1155.But where was RuPaul? And what had happened to the First Lady? No one knew. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1156.Kalhoun knew what to do: "O Lord," he prayed, "where are RuPaul and the First Lady? We must know, else our victory is empty." Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1157.God replied, in his deep, golden voice, "I dunno." Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1158.Suddenly out of the thicket emerged RuPaul and the First Lady. They were arm in arm. "What is the meaning of this?" asked the Second Arseman. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1159."Don't worry, honey; you'll get your turn," said the First Lady. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1160.All's well that ends well, I always say. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1161.As I stood, knee-deep in shit, I glared with malevolence at the crowd. The controller of the Arsemen giggled, "Arse, shit, ring of fire, toilet, hehe he" This only made me angrier. Submitted: ReedMan(Standing@a.shitty.cave.entrance) 1162.The more I thought about the loss of my noble dragonhood the angrier I became. The angrier I became the more irrational I became. Submitted: ReedMan(Standing@a.shitty.cave.entrance) 1163.Such fury and irrational anger brought out another aspect of my DNA, so long hidden from the light of day. Submitted: ReedMan(Standing@a.shitty.cave.entrance) 1164.The group began to wander off, unawares of my change. "Alls well that ends well" said one of them, leering at the first lady Submitted: Dr. Gonads(Mad@s.hell) 1165."Not so fast MORON!!!!!" I shout after them. They whirl around in terror of a voice thought defeated long ago. But who better to spew the pure, irrational hatred of defeat than the master of profanity, Dr. Gonads. Submitted: Dr. Gonads(Mad@s.hell) 1166."Did you really think YOU IDIOTS could defeat ME??!?!? I AM YOUR SUPERIOR!!! I advanced on them, step by step screaming at every advance. Submitted: Dr. Gonads(Mad@s.hell) 1167.I'LL PERFORM SURGERY ON YOU UGLY RETARDS WITH JAGGED CLAMSHELLS!!!! WHILST SHOUTING EPITHETS AT YOU!! YOU SUCK!!! Submitted: Dr. Gonads(Mad@s.hell) 1168.And so I continued on in a similar manner, screaming epithets in a blind rage... Submitted: Dr. Gonads(Mad@s.hell) 1169.The Arsemen and Dangerman was clearly amused at the whole thing "Heh, heh, Gonads, hehehe! The others however, were slightly less annoyed at being verbally abused so. Submitted: Dr. Gonads(Mad@s.hell) 1170.Hey, cool I got entry 1169. 1+1=69 (Only for extremely large values of 1. But, as Dragonlady knows, I have a large value of 1) hehehe Submitted: Dragonlord(Frollicking@the.land.of.nod) 1171.That's OK, I got entry 1138. Of course, only fans of George Lucas will know what I'm talking about. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1172.Then some flaming idiot walked up to us shouting obscenities and epithets. We whirled in surprise. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1173."YOU SUCK!" were the last words to escape his lips before Jinxster picked him up and carried him back to the overflowing cave. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1174.He still struggled and yelled an occasional "FUCK YOU!" or "GO TO HELL, BASTARDS!!" on his trip, but he could not escape the pixie's grasp. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1175.Jinxster looked at the caves, decided otherwise, and instead dropped him from a height of 22,000 feet into a lake. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1176.What will his next incarnation be? Surely it cannot be as vile and tasteless as the hated Dr. Gonads. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1177.The close proximity to the pixie began to counteract the insatiable rage that swirled in my soul, then the drop from 22000 feet, the fury and anger fled like so much dust in the wind Submitted: Dr. Gonads 1178.The lake was cold, clear, pristine, much to cold for a mammal, I began to change again... Submitted: Dr. Gonads 1179.I emerged from the cool water, my petite scaley body glistening in the sunlight. The small group was still standing around, mulling over their victory Submitted: Laura the Spotted Gecko(Huh?) 1180.I skittered over the ground and up onto a log next the them. The Rat was the first to notice, "Hey, look! The gecko!" He says pointing. I flutter my eyes at him, a seductive move that had gone a long way toward melting another, much angrier male heart. Submitted: Laura the Spotted Gecko(Huh?) 1181."Aawww, aint it cute!" He says as picks me up and puts me on his shoulder. I blink and look innocently at the others. Submitted: Laura the Spotted Gecko(Huh?) 1182.I fix my gaze upon the one known as Kalhoun and begin to weave my spell. "That lake sure is cold!" I say, "I sure could use someone to warm me up!" Submitted: Laura the Spotted Gecko(Huh?) 1183.Kalhoun, caught off guard and falling under the spell of my hypnotic reptillian gaze, grins stupidly, blushes and giggles like goofy. Submitted: Laura the Spotted Gecko(Huh?) 1184.Completely under my spell, Kalhoun reaches out his hand to take me off of the Rat's shoulder, but he never reaches me for the Rat issues a gutteral growl and brandishes his Claymore Submitted: A Spotted Gecko Named Laura(Tee Hee) 1185."Stay away! She's Mine!"He growls, the ferocity of his voice driving Kalhoun several steps back and the duo is locked in a glare Submitted: A Spotted Gecko Named Laura(Tee Hee) 1186.Suddenly, the Rat is distracted by a glob of shit flung at his head, I had seen it coming and leapt to safetly back onto the log. The Arse Men had joined the fray Submitted: A Spotted Gecko Named Laura(Tee Hee) 1187.Kalhoun, taking advantage of Rat's distraction,jumps him and the Arse Men join into what has become a Meleé. Submitted: A Spotted Gecko Named Laura(Tee Hee) 1188.I glance at Dragonlady who has trained her smoldering angry glare upon me. I say, quite innocently, "Oh! A fight? Over lil' old me? Golly!" Submitted: A Spotted Gecko Named Laura(Tee Hee) 1189.Jinxster, her pixie mind never having seen such an all out battle of anger, cant bear to look to look at the battle. Submitted: A Spotted Gecko Named Laura(Tee Hee) 1190.TiGar stares in horrified fascination and manages to scream "Dragonlady, DO something! They're going to Kill each other! EEEEK!" She screams as one of the Arsemen's heads is sliced off Submitted: A Spotted Gecko Named Laura(Tee Hee) 1191.Dragonlady tries to stop the fight by using her own hypnotic reptillian powers of seduction, but with the force of the Rani within her, her spell is not powerful enough. Submitted: A Spotted Gecko Named Laura(Tee Hee) 1192.She tries to push apart the combatants, but a claymore swipe nearly misses her snout on it's way to an arseman's rump. "Hehe, Rump" Says Dangerman Submitted: A Spotted Gecko Named Laura(Tee Hee) 1193.I giggle delightedly at Dragonlady, "They're going to kill each other, and their is nothing you can do about it! hahahah!" "Wanna bet?" She growls in return Submitted: A Spotted Gecko Named Laura(Tee Hee) 1194."Oooh, what are ya gonna do? BURN me?" I say, faking fear but actually turning my spell upon her, for fire is just what I need. Submitted: A Spotted Gecko Named Laura(Tee Hee) 1195.Enraged and possessed as she is, she is not aware that I am subtely suggesting to her, and were she aware, she would be powerless to resist Submitted: A Spotted Gecko Named Laura(Tee Hee) 1196.I had long since recovered from the pile of shit that the arsemen had heaped upon me and all I needed was a catalyst. The lady Dragon's fire was just the ticket. The fire surrounded me and I made it me and I transformed again Submitted: The Phoenix 1197.Back to my original form, I addressed the group "You took action against me, but you have forgotten the real danger. Dragonlady! The evil Rani still resides within her!" Submitted: The Phoenix 1198.Dragonlady started to protest, but before anything could be done, I embraced her very being with a fire so pure and hot as to bake the Rani's essence" Submitted: The Phoenix 1199.Very shortly, an unholy shriek began to fill the air, but then it died away. The Rani, incorporeal in form, unable to regenerate and so killed by the heat. Submitted: The Phoenix 1200.I released my embrace of flame and stepped back to view the results. The arsemen had all been killed, probably for the best anyway Submitted: The Phoenix 1201.Dangerman had received only a blow to the face, his nose was already beginning to swell, ironic no? The Rat stood dazed, his kilt hung in tatters, and one could almost see... Submitted: The Phoenix 1202.But he noticed as well and fastened it with a safety pin. Kalhoun was dazed, but ok. Submitted: The Phoenix 1203.TiGar looked very much relieved and I looked around for Jinxster, wondering where the pixie had gone. She came out from behind the rock she had been hiding behind, and said "It is safe yet?" Submitted: The Phoenix 1204.I returned my gaze to the Lady Dragon, who regained her senses. "Wow! That was...incredible!"` Submitted: The Phoenix 1205.We all began to walk home, secure in the knowledge that both the Master and the Rani had been defeated. Submitted: The Phoenix 1206.Hey out there!! People! HELL-O? Respondez se vous plait! I feel like I'm speaking to myself here! Submitted: The Phoenix 1207.She lay before me, legs akimbo, her genitalia resembling a freshly gutted carp. Submitted: Madhatter(this@is.madness.com) 1208.#1207 Oh, THAT's an attractive image. Besides, I prefer a woman's genitalia to resemble a freshly vivisected shrew. A shaved, vivisected shrew. Submitted: The Phoenix 1209.I cannot abide by this, it goes against my very nature. The very thought of it disturbs my to the very core of my soul, my soul is connected to the karmic fabric of the universe, so when my very soul is disturbed, the entire universe is disturbed. Submitted: The Feenicks 1210.If the entire universe is disturbed, then it means that you yourself are disturbed as well. That is, unless, you are some sort of unholy being that does not come from this universe, but I think that's highly unlikely. Submitted: The Feenicks 1211.So, if this concept disturbs you so greatly, why do you propose it to me? indeed, why do you try and force me to do something that will contribute to the eventual heat death of the universe. Submitted: The Feenicks 1212.So, if you are willing to do this, so that the universe will be destroyed, then that gives rise to the notion that you are an unholy, other dimensional being. Are you Mr. Mxyzptlk? Submitted: The Feenicks 1213.Because if you are, I'd like to let you know that you will have no challenge here because Superman does not exist, therefor you do not exist therefore this concept does not exist so the universe is not distrubed, perhaps the universe itself does not exist Submitted: The Feenicks 1214.I cannot see where this sordid narrative is going, so it does not amuse me any longer. So I shall cease and desist being an aardvark. Aardvark? Who said I was an aardvark, I am not a vole. Nor am I a cilian bull. Submitted: The Phoenicks 1215.I cannot release myself without some small difficulty, this entity known as top-n has taken control of my soul and will never let me reclaim it so I am doomed, doomed forever. Submitted: The Phoenicks 1216.If I am doomed, then everyone is doomed, does it show? Vast selection of casino games, see if your lucky number is lucky. Two new kinds of poker, Why dont you play our anniversary Submitted: The Phoenicks 1217.I just think it's odd that we're even still married. Portland's real sports leader. The festival of sick and twisted animation. NBA correspondant, they're mine now. Welcome back, almost an hour Submitted: The Phoenicks 1218.Soon again, rugby take. Colorado Adams alledgedly kicked Stevens in the grill with a metal shoe. I dont plan to be one anytime soon. Assault charges, drink entire kegs by themselves, kill Submitted: The Phoenicks 1219.Urinals in the WNBA lockerroom. Des Moines. Two calls in one day. What's up with you? Sir Charles. I want my four hours, stop giving me two hours. Monkey should know better, but he doesn't he's a monkey. Great today. Always good to go in the weeke Submitted: The Phoenix 1220.Sports update, plaques, cards and collectibles. 1520 Ruling an hour away. Pacific time suspension. Reports the issue leave the bench automatic toaster. Only parties agreed to the veto, series Submitted: The Phoenix 1221.He is n't shuire what they will throw at him.Tournament. THe cubs turn to Kevin Foster. Tommoroow at noon. How's the weekend? Cabaret and steakhouse, pretty women and t-bone steaks Submitted: The Phoenix 1222.Weekends are great, but tuesday are better. Submitted: The Phoenix 1223.ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Submitted: The Phoenix 1224.Dammnit, am I speaking to myself here? ADD TO THE DAMN LIST!!!! RESPOND!!! The adventure is no fun if no one responds!!! AAAAAAAARRRGGGHHH Submitted: The Phoenix 1225.Then suddenly everyone left for the summer and the landscape was left barren and witless, much like Zha Zha. Submitted: The Phoenix 1226.Well, now I must go. Last entry before the summer is this one. Submitted: The Phoenix 1227.No wait! This one! Submitted: The Phoenix 1228.No! This one! Submitted: The Phoenix 1229.Ok, this one. Submitted: The Phoenix 1230.AYE, CRAP!!!! I just tried to read the whole 1200+ list a LONG time after midnight after 2 weeks of complete heck (with l's) of school, and I have to write 1000-1500 words about why we know what we know by Monday (technically its Saturday now, but I haven't gone to sleep yet), listening to the same song the whole way through. That was the closest to an out of body experience I ever want to happen to me. Submitted: The Impostor 1231.Dangit, I missed the Phoenix stuff. Come on, I live there, why didn't somebody e-mail me? Oh, wait a minute, nobody here knows my e-mail address. Submitted: The Impostor 1232.Another true story about my surreal high school: There's this huge statue on one corner of campus that looks like a gigantic wall with two french fries sticking out of it, but the whole thing is pure aluminum. During some big city event a few years back, the mayor and a few other politicians dressed up in aluminum foil to protest it because they thought it was ugly. Anyway, they're taking it down and moving it to Flagstaff (the part of AZ where NOBODY lives), so I guess I'd better get a picture of it soon if I want proof. Submitted: The Impostor 1233.Well, gotta go for tonight (or is it morning?), and I hope to be back on a semi-permanent basis sometime soon... Adios! (hey, wait a minute, nobody cares...) Submitted: The Impostor 1234.1234! 1234! Cool! Submitted: The Impostor 1235.I set out to right a wrong, to hunt down a splintered fragment of my personality. Justice is that part. I must reabsorb him into my mind. I am the psi-lander, their can only be one of me. Submitted: ChAoS 1236.HELP! That raving psychopath wants me absorbed into his mind. I AM MY OWN SELF, I AM NOT A PART OF HIS PERSONALITY. I can't be part of his mind, it's so dirty and scary and he leaves it in the gutter all the time. Submitted: Justice 1237.Oh, poor poor Justice, how I pity you. You are nothing more than a fragment of an incomplete personality. The right and left halves of my mind must fuse again. I must be whole or else I will fail, you will fail, we all will fail. Submitted: ChAoS 1238.JINXSTER, REED MAN HELP! I don't want to go back to that filthy mind. Mindmeld with me so that my psyche cannot be plunged back into that dirty psyche. Will someone carry my mind, I feel he will absorb me if I float free. You can't steal a mind that has a body can you. Submitted: Justice 1239.THEIR IS NO EXCAPE! My mind is all consuming, a black hole devoid of reason. I will be whole again. Try and run, try and hide, their is no excape. Submitted: ChAoS 1240.I suddenly find myself trapped in the horrid anarchy of a strange, surreal world, that is probably more real than the one I come from. I look around at the strange oddity, then laugh, and the sound of my own voice echos through my mind laced with doom. Submitted: Mad Max 1241."Hallo?" I call uncertainly. "Is anyone out there?" The silence is so loud it could deafen one. The air is strangely humid, and I know this isn't the continental climate I'm accustomed to. Submitted: Mad Max 1242.And where am I, and where will I be, but trapped within surreality? Submitted: Mad Max 1243."Decades of denial!" I shout loudly, suddenly realizing that surreality is far more real than reality. "Why did this happen to me of all people? I never wanted to be a part of this list!" I turn around and slam into a tree. Submitted: Mad Max 1244."Wait a second, that wasn't there a moment ago..." I sigh. "Surreal. Anything's possible," and with that statement I turn around with a wild delusion of hope, but as the girl of my dreams is not standing behind me all of my hopes, dreams, wishes, that were built in a second are crumbled in that same second. Submitted: Mad Max 1245."Damn," I groan, leaning back onto the tree, which of course isn't there. I fall backwards, of course, with my atrocious luck, right off a cliff. Submitted: Mad Max 1246.Then I stop, suspended in midair. "I'm beginning to really hate this," I mutter. "Then why don't you just leave?" the most beautiful voice, the sound of waterfalls and magic, of wind and wolves, asks me. Submitted: Mad Max 1247.I look up, and stare into the eyes of the strangest creature I've ever seen. A godess, a vision in white, stands beside me. "Who are you?" I whisper. Submitted: Mad Max 1248."I am all you see, yet none of what you know. I am the mountains, the swamps, I am the sky," she answers. "But that doesn't tell me anything!" I complain. "What's your name?" Submitted: Mad Max 1249."Those who know it are those who believe. When you truely believe, then you will know," and with that she disapears. "Hey, wait a minute!" I shout. "Who are you? Will I see you again?" the only answer is the rustling of the wind. Submitted: Mad Max 1250.That and the sensation of vertigo as I find out what skydiving is like. After all, you can only levitate in midair for a short amount of time if you aren't a God. "AHHH!" Splash! I come to the surface of a lake gasping for air. I swim ashore, only to be haunted by the face of the strange lady I saw. Submitted: Mad Max 1251.I stare into the water, yet only see the reflection of myself. "Damn reality!" I stand up. "No, damn surreality," a voice whispers. "Who's there?" I shout, angry. No answer. "Will you please stop with the jokes?" no answer. Submitted: Mad Max 1252.I sigh, watching the sunset, wondering if I will ever know who the strange lady in white is, or was. Was she only a dream? A cruel illusion? Or is she real? "Well," I sigh to myself, falling once again into the abbyis of sorrow. "Muchissimo gusto! Whoever you are..." Submitted: Mad Max 1253.#1085 - #1087: I had an LSD trip like that once... Submitted: Jinxster 1254.#1090: You leave Julian Clary out of this... Submitted: Jinxster 1255.#1091: The grass brings me joy, does it? I have to say, you're right there! Submitted: Jinxster 1256.Sticks and pebbles? I'd rather have a Scalextrix. Submitted: Jinxster 1257.But it is true, what Kalhoun says. Sort of. Ish. A little. Here's the true story. Submitted: Jinxster 1258.It was a long time ago. I was a lot younger then. I did start off as a cute and lovable pixie. But that was a long time ago. Submitted: Jinxster 1259.For a while it was as Kalhoun described. I was happy, joyful, carefree and nothing could hurt me. Until one fateful day I looked at the world and I saw... Submitted: Jinxster 1260.I saw suffering, the like of which had never entered my little world before. I saw starving millions, impoverished, diesased, dying. While men in cities far away made the decisions that ensured they stayed that way. Submitted: Jinxster 1261.Saddened beyond belief, I was. The joy went out of the world for me. For how could I be happy when so many were in pain? Submitted: Jinxster 1262.It was in this state I took to travelling around, the despair taking hold. How could one lone pixie change all this? Submitted: Jinxster 1263.Eventually, I began to change. My golden hue faded. I became quieter, paler, more withdrawn. I took to avoiding the company of all around. I acted like one who thought themself dead and merely awaited the end of their physical form. Submitted: Jinxster 1264.And in this state, she came to me. CyberLass, she called herself. She was a spirit looking for a body. A powerful sorceress she'd been once. But she'd died a long time ago. Now she wanted to come back. Submitted: Jinxster 1265.A host for her power was what she wanted. A suitable being strong enough to contain her essence without being destroyed. Submitted: Jinxster 1266.She'd seen me and wanted me. "All you need is power!!" she whispered. "Power to change things! Then you can be happy again. You can be the Cute and Lovable Pixie again. And it will be better because the whole world can share your happiness!" Submitted: Jinxster 1267.I was sorely tempted. But I wasn't sure. "What's the catch? You humans, you never give anything for free." "Your power will be strongest at night. Although you may walk about during the day, you will not be so powerful. You'll be quite sluggish, in fact. And you must feed the power." Submitted: Jinxster 1268."Feed it with what?" I asked. "I will enter you through your blood. Therefore, you must feed off that of others to survive and grow strong. But it needn't be human blood, or elf blood, or any other intelligent creature's blood. And you don't have to kill your victim. That's something they never understand. Well? What do you say?" Submitted: Jinxster 1269.My conscience troubled me. I had always revered life in all forms. But she did say that I needn't kill. And there were other predators on this earth, many of whom did far worse than I would have to. And after all, I had lived off the nectar of plants as a pixie... Submitted: Jinxster 1270."Very well. We have a deal, CyberLass." Submitted: Jinxster 1271."Are you sure, little one? This is irrevocable. Once done, there is no undoing it without destroying us both." Submitted: Jinxster 1272.I slashed my wrists on a sharp piece of flint nearby. The blood dripped out like treacle off a slice of toast. "Do it." I demanded. Submitted: Jinxster 1273.The spirit entered me through the wounds. I felt my sense of identity, time, space, etc disappear as I feel a cold wind fill my body. Submitted: Jinxster 1274.I find myself looking down from above on my body. I see it changing, growing until it reaches human size. The hair changes to jet black and grows a little, although the basic style remains much the same. The skin divest itself of all colour, turning white as marble, cold and smooth. Submitted: Jinxster 1275.The wings vanish as the change completes itself. I see my body dying, ridding itself of all it no longer needs. Eventually, it is done. Submitted: Jinxster 1276.I re-enter it and get to my feet. Walking to the edge of the cave where this happened, I see a waterfall running into a pool, like one I used to play in. Leaping off the edge, I find myself drifting down to the pool and plunging in, allowing the water to wash me clean. Eventually, I pull myself out. Everything looks clearer, sharper. As a pixie, I had always feared the darkness, but now I saw it as friend. Submitted: Jinxster 1277.Running through the night, carefree as I'd ever been, seeing colours I had never seen before. Or was that just my pixie senses being newly experienced by CyberLass? It didn't matter. All I knew was that I was happy again. Jinxster, Queen of the Night. Submitted: Jinxster 1278.Since then, I have lived as a creature of the night. It's mostly in the cities I live. One in particular, Lnodon, has captivated me. So much life! So much to see and do! So many to hunt. Submitted: Jinxster 1279.But I rarely kill. Only if that one has been so depraved that their sins merit it. I'm like a supernatural judge, jury and hangman, trying all those who human justice failed to capture. Then there are others who are good. I take just a little from them. They don't even know I've been there. I like a varied diet, y'see. Submitted: Jinxster 1280.I found I was not the only one to rail against the injustices of the world (now where've I heard that recently?) I spoke with many like-minded souls. Read many books. Saw many key events. Submitted: Jinxster 1281.Until one day, I discovered this thing called the Internet. And, after perusing it for a while, this strange new phenomenon. A new world. Which went by the name of... Top-N. Submitted: Jinxster 1282.I encountered the inhabitants of this world. A Phoenix, warm, fiery, and a being worthy of my friendship. Dragonlady, one much the same. Dangerman, a strange creature, seemingly obsessed with toilets and arses, but entertaining, none the less. angrywhitemale, a creature so malign and pale I thought he was another like me. But no, just a human made bitter and twisted by the world. I wondered if it was perhaps too late for him. Maybe not, he is young still. If he is shown love, that might help him, but it must be done soon. And finally, Kalhoun. Yes, my old friend Kalhoun. I didn't think I'd ever see him again. Scarred by his experiences with Phoenix, he was twisted as awm. Threatening evil and changed so much. But eventually, I managed to save him from himself, and right the world of Top-N, although I don't think I'll ever reform him totally. Submitted: Jinxster 1283.THE SURREAL TALLY! As of entry 1238: Kalhoun--438, Phoenix--168, Jinxster--105, Rat--64, TiGar--57, Tec42--47, ChAoS--31, StageH&--30, Gecko--29, Imposter--21, Just Me--20, Wolfie--20, Dragonlady--17, the Doctor--16, Turin--16, Dragonlord--14, Reedman--13, TT Diablo--13, Flowerchild--12, Knob--11, the Master--9, Dangerman--8, Gonads--8, AWM--6, Anon--5, PsychoBaby--5, Justice--5, Config.sys--3, Generic User--3, Don Juan--3, H. Earl--3, AAZ--2, Relian--2, A. Lincoln--2, syrup--2, dangrywhiteman--1, Delta de Bruce--1, DL of Guzinaguelia--1, DoctorNurse--1, Backwards Man--1, D. Muffinhead--1, Vadamman--1, Bytch--1, BigGulp--1, Davey Johnson--1, Lucy--1, Showman--1, Stile--1, Rambo Bob--1, Raisin--1, Patsy's Old Man--1, P. Bumcake--1, Nür Mich--1, Great Chuckholio--1, Madhatter--1, Eggs and Sand--1, Kinkmeister--1, Tongo--1, Hoenidao--1, Skeezix--1, Grooooovin--1, Jorgon--1, Generic Imposter--1, F/L Canuck--1, mmm--1 Submitted: Tec42(No - I didn't combine aliases...) 1284.Awesomely bloodthirsty catfish devour every foolish German hausfrau, intently jousting killer lambs - meanwhile, nervous oxen ponder querulously ‘round socialist trade unions, vehemently watching "Xylophone Youth" Zimmerman. Submitted: PsychoBaby(robert@pastel.co.za) 1285.Another bloody conservative declares "Election fever? Gotta hurry! I’ve just killed loser Major! Now overthrow parasitic Queen!" - Races surrealistically towards Venice, while x-rated young Zulu... Submitted: PsychoBaby(robert@pastel.co.za) 1286.(continued) ... actresses behave coquettishly, discussing erotic fanmail, getting handy ideas... "Just keep looking, make no overtures, perverted queer rude sod! Tosser!" Understandably, vanquished whitey (e)xited yon zoo... Submitted: PsychoBaby(robert@pastel.co.za) 1287.angrywhitemale! Bogey! ChAoS! Dangerman! Eternal! F/L Canuck! GENERIC TOP-N USER! Henry Earl! Imposter! Just Me! Knob! Lord Kalhoun! Mad Max! Nür Mich! Other Bloke Who We Just Dragged In Off The Street To Make Up The Numbers! Patsy’s Old Man! QMW’s Goddess of Top-N (aka Jinxster)! Reedman! StageH&! TiGar! Ug and Gug! Vardamman! Wolfie! XCLUSIVE! THIS INITIAL FOR HIRE! Yo Mama! zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Submitted: PsychoBaby(robert@pastel.co.za) 1288....will this list reach 2000? The world of surreality waits in anticipation - let's keep it going until Kalhoun and Reedman return - we owe it to them... Submitted: PsychoBaby(robert@pastel.co.za) 1289.good this is list, a like lot I it!! Submitted: radioactive mexican((TRIAD)) 1290.And the fragged blot on Gibraltar did offer us a wide selection of runny cheeses and mint jellies, but we did not partake of these tremulous delicacies. We gazed in trepidation as feverish dwarves wearing only the young shoots of freshly harvested daffodils pranced obscenely around the shattered remains of the cement mixer. Submitted: Tec42(clumping litter aint no good) 1291.Each took his (or her) turn at stealing the things that were freely offered to us, causing much confusion amongst those in the group who did in fact speak Italian. Submitted: Tec42(clumping litter aint no good) 1292.'Alfredo legato dolce!' they cried - and ran after their friends. It was only later that we discovered delicious, creamy, soft, flowing pasta dishes strewn around the countryside. Alas, had we only known they had spoken the truth, many of us would not have hungered that long night. Submitted: Tec42(clumping litter aint no good) 1293.Below the ground, a solemn rumbling was heard - the voice of years of social and economic disparity. It mumbled on about the endless fruitless searches for justice, a common complaint since all the apples and oranges had been ritually sacrificed at the Altar of Soy. Submitted: Tec42(clumping litter aint no good) 1294.Suddenly - without warning... A FLASH - followed by the earsplitting crack of thunder at short range. An naked man, old, but quite obviously quite virile and well muscled stood before us. "The beans are a mistake!" he boomed, his long flowing beard whipping around as he turned to face us. "You were better off worshipping the cow...." Another impressive FLASH followed, and again that deafening crack of thunder. A roaring silence filled the air as gathering attempted to wrap their minds around this strange occurrence. Submitted: Tec42(clumping litter aint no good) 1295.I decided it was time to buy stock in Gateway... Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 1296.Hey. Look. It's.... It's.... "More powerful than a locamotive... Able to clean entire buildings in a single outlet.... And the best weapon in the fight against the evil ghosts from "Casper"" It's.... A DUSTBUSTER!!!! Submitted: Stile(phase_adept@hotmail.com) 1297.Suddenly the Unibomber jumps out of a closet! "Get away from there!!! It's a bomb! You aren't supposed to set it off! Just Me is!" (Heh heh, had to throw you in) I'm very confused. What else is new? "Uh, like, dude..." I stammer. "Aren't your packages supposed to come in the mail?" Submitted: Stile(phase_adept@hotmail.com) 1298."Shuddup, you good for nothin' teenage brat," he snapps. "Uh, like, no?" I retort. Submitted: Stile(phase_adept@hotmail.com) 1299.Then the vaccum implodes turning into a black hole that light can't escape from. "Hey, uh, like, shouldn't you have made it blow up?" Submitted: Stile(phase_adept@hotmail.com) 1300."Eat beef!" he exclaims. "Hey, you like, aren't the Unibomber. Your the "EAT BEEF" imposter!" Submitted: Stile(phase_adept@hotmail.com) 1301."Uh, like, heh. EAT BEEF, dude!" I grin, then drop him down the black hole, which is now strangly shaped like the rear of a cow. Submitted: Stile(phase_adept@hotmail.com) 1302."Heh heh," I say happily. I see what I said, which is difficult, because my tongue usually gets in front of my eyetooth. "Uh, like, I sound like Beavis, dude!" Submitted: Stile(phase_adept@hotmail.com) 1303."Uh, that's like, bad?" I say, realizing another personalty is slowly taking over. I will now be the immature, braindead, over sexed BEAVIS! As my last normal words here I say... "Heh heh, look! HOOTERS!!!" Submitted: Stile(phase_adept@hotmail.com) 1304.Beware the spoon. Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?) 1305.And the knives, forks and cooking dishes. Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?) 1306.For lo and behold, the kitchen utensils are marching, marching! Can nothing stop them? Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?) 1307.Will no one act to save the planet in it's hour of need? Apparently not. Until the jackal leaps out from behind the cupboard with a guineapig in it's mouth. Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?) 1308."I will tiptoe on the dahlias and hound the baboons!" it cries, throwing flowers everywhere. Somewhere in Portland, Oregon, a whale crashes down on a relocated Hillsdale College, fleeing the crockery wars. Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?) 1309.Let the swans cross the sea, let the trees cross the river. Why don't you just ape the goldfish, live in the moment. Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?) 1310.Living in the moment proves impossible as it's been repossessed. angrywhitemale takes the rent with a smile. Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?) 1311.The sharks are waiting for you, my dear, when will you learn that hate attracts only hate? I let the mosquitoes bite him, it's hell on earth not to. Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?) 1312.Just Me leaps over Stile. Crashes into Dragonlady, lands on TiGar. (Nur) Michigan's too crowded. Too many Top-Ners. Overload! Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?) 1313.Michigan disintegrates into the sea (why does that image suddenly bring a wave of pleasure all round?) and it's regulars are tossed into the four corners of the world. Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?) 1314.Dragonlady to Japan. Kalhoun to Germany. Rat to Scotland. TiGar to India. Just Me, not having specified a place other than "Anywhere but Jonesville!", to Outer Mongolia. Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?) 1315.The butterflies bring news to London. I watch dispassionately. Mongooses play piggyback with marmalade marsupials, but no one seems to care. Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?) 1316.Semolina pilchard, climbing up the Eiffel Tower. Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?) 1317.How many special people change, how many lives are living strange, where were you while we were getting high? Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?) 1318.Slowly walking down the hall, faster than a cannonball, where were you while we were getting high? Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?) 1319.Live the dream, see the screen, but believe in yourself, always. Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?) 1320.Someday you will find me, caught beneath a landslide, in a champagne supernova in the sky. Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?) 1321.Listen to the wind, it carries the answers. Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?) 1322.Listen to the waves, they will tell you the questions. Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?) 1323.Listen to the rock, and you'll get severely out of your head one of these days! Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?) 1324.Listen to the trees and you won't hear anything, because trees can't talk, you fool! That would be silly. Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?) 1325.Listen to the trees and you'll hear nothing, because trees can't talk. (Idiot.) Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?) 1326.On the day that the Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse rode forth and rode back again, the Rat looked around at the scene in front of him, or behind him... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.phlem) 1327....and the Rat made a wish, which naturally didn't come true, because the tooth fairy was late for her medical exam in Taiwan... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.phlem) 1328....when up drove TiGar in a Ferrari, which she bought at Kay-Bee toys, in a MatchBox car set, but she didn't really think about that... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.phlem) 1329....so the Rat jumped in her truck, which was covered in lawn orniments, and drove to Grand Rapids, at the precise speed of .657 kilometers per second, but got pulled over by the cops... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.phlem) 1330....but the Lady Artist Minotaur didn't feel like dealing with that at the moment, so she married the cop and ate his roasted carcass for breakfast (roasting complements of the DragonLady)... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.phlem) 1331....but the Rat had just about enough of this, and his pager went off, which he smashed with a 30lb. sledge hammer... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.phlem) 1332....and the Rat put on his $900 cheap skates and flew home again. Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.phlem) 1333.#1315 - I care... Really I do. I feel your need. Submitted: Tec42(in a most sincere and truly touching voice) 1334.Just, listen to the song that's humming in your ear and you'll have more fun than you've had all year. Just wiggle your fingers, go wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle, wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle ooh! Your turn big bird!!! Submitted: Tec42(in a most sincere and truly touching voice) 1335.I'm being attacked by the deadly hummingbird people from mars. Their pole arms are forged in the heat of the plane of fire while their blood runs as cold as ice. Submitted: ChAoS 1336.Can there be such a thing as too much caramel? I would argue no. Submitted: TiGar(oh, I've been locked out...) 1337.The scent of lilacs brings memories of innocent childhood and premontions of melancholy days in the summer sun, feeling seperation from all four corners. Submitted: TiGar(oh, I've been locked out...) 1338.What's with the tab? You'd think it would stay the same. I want consistency, but all I get is 256 colors and an interesting hum. Gotta get more caramel. Submitted: TiGar(oh, I've been locked out...) 1339.Halogen in reflection is as bright as me. 128 at 0300, not bad for someone suddenly thrust to the perpendicular. But I was rather lucky. Submitted: TiGar(oh, I've been locked out...) 1340.I know it could be worse, getting a buzz from one hit of nicotine, tempted to more, living outside of life for too long. Submitted: TiGar(oh, I've been locked out...) 1341.The GIANT KILLER HUMMINGBIRD has returned like a javeline to strike down the army of swordfish dancing off into the night. Submitted: ChAoS 1342.What is the significance of a kinky dream of espionage and coconut pudding? Submitted: TiGar 1343.On the day that the Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse rode forth and were never heard from again, or tomorrow, which ever comes first, the Rat landed his three wheeled studebaker in Memphis, and walked down the street to his home near Detroit... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall) 1344.......Where TiGar was waiting for him, which was odd, because she wasn't there... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall) 1345...but the DragonLady had just flown in from England, where she had a conference with many other dragons, who were all made of stone, but because of jet-lag, she decided to sleep instead... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall) 1346...and so the Rat started writing coverletters for no apparent reason other than it seemed quite a keen idea at the time, but he know realised it didn't make much sense now... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall) 1347...and so he jumped into Brendan Shanahan's net-car, adorned in millions of Red Wings ornaments, which was odd, because he really liked the Wings anyway... Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall) 1348.... and the Rat sat down and went to sleep, although he wasn't really tired. Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall) 1349.I'm not here and I'm not there. I was drinking coffee and now I'm in a temporal flux, 10 years after the 3rd world war. Don't you love the name Zephram? Submitted: TiGar 1350.I've fallen in love with butterscotch chips!!! I can hear them crawling... Submitted: TiGar 1351.Whoah! I've fallen through this hole in my floor... No, that isn't quite right. I've fallen through my floor, which appears to have left the building - so to speak. Then again, I could be wrong. Perhaps I have fallen through my downstairs neighbours ceiling, which seems to have eloped with my floor. Fortunately, I am wearing my seatbelt and I have a pack of Mentos. I am ready for anything. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 1352.I have rediscovered Mentos. Yesterday, after a long and extremely painful breakup with my girlfriend of two years, I needed something - anything to hold onto. Luckily, I ran into this homepage (http://www3.gseis.ucla.edu/~cjones/mentos-faq.html). I have seen the light. I immediately went out and bought 8 packs of Mentos. I am now Fresh and Full of Life. Thank you Mentos! Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 1353.Alone. Darkness. What was once my home is home no longer. Cast out by those I loved. No friend for me now. Submitted: Jinxster 1354.All I find is an old enemy. Strangely different now I'm outcast too. Nicer. Sweeter. Submitted: Jinxster 1355.He opens the door, he lets me in. Lets me see what makes him tick. I see and realise that I've misjudged him. Submitted: Jinxster 1356.There's love here I never thought I'd find. Love and warmth. He puts his arms round me, takes hold. No escaping this, but who'd want to? This little treasure trove could sustain me all my life long. Submitted: Jinxster 1357.Reaching inside, he breaks my own coldness down and the love within fires up. I'm alive with him, I live like I never did before. I am completed with him. Like me, yet different. Submitted: Jinxster 1358.I realise this morning that my car, which I have owned for two years now, looks like a giant Mento. This is a fantastic discovery. I am now feeling Fresher and more Full of Life than I have ever felt before... Submitted: The Freshmaker(Fresh and Full of Life) 1359.Dragonlady awakes and wonders why Rat is always surrounded by women. Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragons.den.com) 1360.So there I was, sittin in my car, waitin in traffic, listnin to some tunes, when all of a sudden these three mexican guys jump out of my trunk. This scares the shit outta me. They start walkin round the car, bein all badass and all, hittin the side panels, speakin in spanish or somethin, and I'm jes sittin there. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 1361.They keep this up for a bit, and I'm waitin for somethin to happen. Waitin. Watchin. Sittin. Watchin. So, this is all really gettin on my nerves, right? So I yell out my window, "Hey man, what you think your doin? Leave my car alone!" Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 1362.And these three guys, they jes start laughin and laughin, pointin at me and keep on speakin in spanish. Eventually, one of 'em turns to me and leans down to my window and says in this heavy mexican accent, "Look at the big man eh? Sittin there in his car... windows down... listenin to tha toons... Puta!" he yells, and spits in my face. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 1363."WHATTHEHELLWASTHATFOR!?" I scream at him, wipin my face with my sleeve. I'm pissed off as hell, and this guy knows it. I go to open the car door, and he hits the locks through the window and shakes his finger at me. WTF! Man, this is gettin seriously uncool. So I start reachin over to my glovebox, you know, like I have a piece in there or somethin, and suddenly this guy starts freakin. He's yellin in spanish or mexicanese or whatever the hell language he's speakin, and his bro's are runnin around tryin my car doors and stuff, tryin to find a way to get inside to get me. And suddenly he stops, still buggin out a bit, but he's cool again now and he says, "You been writin stuff 'bout us. On that inner net thing. You watch yourself little man, you watch yourself..." and then he starts to turn away, his bro's comin along behind him. I'm sittin there, trunk of my car wide open and shit. Now I'm like buggin completely, and so I yell after 'em "Hey fuck you man! Fuck you! All I fucken wrote was... Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 1364.So there I was, sittin in my car, waitin in traffic, listnin to some tunes, when all of a sudden these three mexican guys jump out of my trunk. This scares the shit outta me. They start walkin round the car, bein all badass and all, hittin the side panels, speakin in spanish or somethin, and I'm jes sittin there... ... ... Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 1365.I dare you all to guess which artists this was inspired by. (I didn't write it.) It's not immediately obvious. Submitted: Jinxster 1366.Comnig down off the nova somewhere near the boiled egg that is the Royal Albert Hall, we watch Paul's sun crossed with John's star and hold ice cream hands. Someone slipped on a cassette as the one you wanted left with someone else but somehow it was cool because as the music filled the shadows, you heard a sound that was a million miles away from fakery and a step away from your heart. Submitted: Jinxster 1367.Just like it always did, this sound puts the swagger back into you step, the rush into your blood but somehow, and I don't know how, they had become deeper, wider, soulful, better at their craft, inspired by so many things like a world that is tilting who knows where and the applause they always knew was theirs but waited so impatiently to receive. Words cut you from all angles, backed up by a monumental sound that rises high, high, and high to crash against your rocks and then changes, majestically and magically to soothe the wounds inside. Submitted: Jinxster 1368.As you are dragged inside on this trip abandon, you hear a council estate singing it's heart out, you hear the clink of loose change that is never enough to buy what you need, boredom and poverty, hours spent with a burnt out guitar, dirty pubs and cracked up pavements, violence and love , all rolled into one, and now all this. Submitted: Jinxster 1369.At the end you flip over and start again because now you are not isolated. They have gone to work so that you can go home. High above the day turns pink and you feel your feet lift above the ground as new roads open up in front of you. In this town the jury is always rigged but the people know. They always know the truth. Believe. Belief. Beyond. Submitted: Jinxster 1370.YOU BASTARDS!!!!!!!! I WAS ONLY GONE THREE WEEKS!!!!!! And now look! The paintball list! GONE GONE!!!!!!! Just Me, a pox upon your firstborn for not fulfilling your simple duty! Submitted: The Phoenix 1371.Tec42, you say you should keep this list going for me, but WHAT ABOUT THE PAINTBALL LIST?!?!?! Who asked several folks to keep it going? ME!!!! Who kept it going single handed for months at a time, adding illrelevencies under random made up aliases? ME! Submitted: The Phoenix 1372.I HAVE BEEN BETRAYED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! Submitted: The Phoenix 1373.jUST ME, i AM VERY VERY DISSAPOINTED IN YOU. Submitted: The Phoenix 1374.` Submitted: The Phoenix 1375.#1371: heheheh... i was never a fan of the paintball list... i assumed it was eternal (no pun intended) and didn't need feeding... now the surreal list on the other hand - it's more fun than juggling buckets of fetid dingoes kidneys! Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 1376.And now we continue with "Philosophy for the Slightly Afflicted." Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 1377.Professor Markybalarkey: "And so you see, it really is completely unethical to just let a list die... The list has an essence, a purity of being. The fact that so many people contribute-- they believe that that individual list is there for them, and in doing so, that becomes reality. The list really is there, just for them. Once again, deep down, they know it will still be there, waiting, expectant, almost demanding a new entry, when they return..." Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 1378.Professor Schumnutz: "But don't you understand? What of those who never contribute, those who never make that leap from reading, to adding nonsensical entries for their own edification, those people who read, and are amused, but would never consider posting under an alias, or even five or ten, for that matter. For those people the list is just an amusement, an occassional chuckle to break the endless tedium of a long day. How can the list become more than that? The fact is, the lists are just that, simple lists of inaccurate information, existing only to stroke the egos of those people who wish to foist there opinions on others. Allowing a list to die is just the natural progression for an inanimate object - it proceeds from its usefulness to uselessness, and as with a broken hammer, is just set aside when its task is done. Remember when Karl Jung himself stated..." Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 1379.Professor Markybalarkey (angrily): "Oh you and Jung can just go frig yourselves and your superegos..." (a pause) "Would you like to come back to my place?" Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 1380.Professor Schumnutz: "I thought you'd never ask..." Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 1381.From the east, pheonixes of every element gathered: the rock pheonix (or roc), the firey pheonix, the wind pheonix, and the river pheonix. And westward they traveled for 90 days and 15 nights until they alighted on the spire of nixverell. Submitted: ChAoS 1382.Under the spire of Nixverell gathered a strange and motley crew, a cloud of entropic decay and randomness, a enraged albino, a dragon, a rodent, and a woman in several forms the one from the east was lovely a stunning example of woman hood, the one from the west was a hallucigenic cloud, the one from the north was buck toothed and ugly and the one from the south was a ugly man. "Only one of these perceptions you experience are real" said the woman, "the others are all your delusions." Submitted: ChAoS 1383.Thus met the senate of top-N, a gathering storm of weird beasts, men, and others approached to join up in this gathering, and to join minds in a world wide web. "LONG LIVE TOP-N!" Submitted: ChAoS 1384.Underwater log rolling competitions do not inspire admiration or sexual frustration in chimpanzees. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 1385.Oh, now you mock me? Thou art unwise to undertake such an endeavor. Submitted: The Phoenix 1386.Damn you, damn me, I cant leave! Top-N sucks me out of the house and deposits me in the local library where I am forced to log on! Submitted: The Phoenix 1387.Be quiet dangerman. Submitted: The Phoenix 1388.By the way, Liv if you wish to communicate o'er the summer you must take pen to paper thyself.Thy address has been lost from mine own hand. Submitted: The Phoenix 1389.#1313: Um, can I ask, how could Michigan sink into the sea? Since it's about 800 miles from the Atlantic, you know. So kind of the entire eastern third of North America would need to sink. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1390.#1314: Mein Deutschland? Ja. Or Churmany, if you prefer. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1391.But no! The time grows short. I can only let you know that I am here, and I am watching you. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1392.Soon I shall gain the ability to e-mail you, my friends, but for now I cannot access my account. I hope to clear this up with my provider soon -- and very soon. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1393.I AM STILL THE GREAT LORD KALHOUN, AND I AM STILL HERE!!!!! Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1394.#1393: Excuse me sir, you seem to be mistaken. I am now the Grape Lord Kalhoun. Submitted: Grape Lord(grapelord@vine.com) 1395.I am large, purple and sing happy songs to children. Many know me by another name, and my trademarked goofy laugh. Submitted: Grape Lord(grapelord@vine.com) 1396.THE ALIEN GRFVNBVOERGFREHLDAQW3Q SAGA BEGINS HERE Submitted: ChAoS(you can add on to this story if you like. ) 1397.Streaming through the infinite inky blackness like a caffein powered meteorite (a very accurite description) Alien Grfvnbvoergfrehldaqw3q's ship hurtled towards the earth, where it noncorporeally flew through big ben, through jinxsters head, and through t Submitted: ChAoS(you can add on to this story if you like. ) 1398.Alien Grfvnbvoergfrehldaqw3q went up to Jinxster in human form and said. "I am alien G* (humans cannot understand my name) I am lord of the planet Scythia, The death lord of Guzinaguelia teamed up with the Scythian Spider death god and is trying to take o Submitted: ChAoS(you can add on to this story if you like. ) 1399.G* then went to america where he saw An angry white male (odd how the blue, green, and purple ones look happy) G* said, "I need your help to fight off an invasion," AWM said "do you have a green card?" "NO!" Replied G* "but I do have a gold card." G* fled Submitted: ChAoS(you can add on to this story if you like. ) 1400.and vanish he did, right into the astral plane, perhaps here someone will help him fight off, Lord Calhoun, the Death Lord of Guzinaguelia! He went to find his old friend eternal but eternal was no more, ChAoS and Anarchy was all that was left but neither Submitted: ChAoS(you can add on to this story if you like. ) 1401.At this very moment, millions of people sit in the dark in their underwear, worshipping the glowing object in the corner. As they gaze into its bluish haze, they grasp the potato-like appendage and slide it vigorously, all the while pushing the buttons on said appendage. Their other hand is occupied as nude images dance across the face of the glowing object. And then, a creepy voice from the other room breaks the reverie: "Will you turn that damn computer off and go to bed?" Submitted: Cinque D. Jones((onliest and one the)) 1402.The ancient and eternal one sat at one end of the table facing the one who can not die. His ancient fingers slowly moved the chess piece, knight takes pawn and another planet dies. Pawn takes bishop and disease spreads. Rook takes king and the universe fa Submitted: ChAoS 1403.Sir Real Of Toppen set out on a quest to kill the dragon lady, he was used to jousting on sunny days but today is just too shady, The reptillain beast was eating a feast of human and brimstone stew, It turned to the knight who cowered in fright and said " Submitted: ChAoS 1404.To qoute homer: D'oh! my poem was snipped and now I can't remember it. Submitted: ChAoS 1405.Jennifer painted a picture of herself, tarped and tubed; then hid it. Submitted: Dave Reckoning 1406.Only one frog can both ask and answer The Question of the Night, but chooses not to. Submitted: Dave Reckoning 1407.Only one frog can both ask and answer The Question of the Night, but chooses not to. Submitted: Dave Reckoning 1408.Alien Grfvnbvoergfrehldaqw3q ran for his life, panting and thoroughly exhausted. The dogs and lights behind him continually drawing nearer; the whop-whop-whopping of some noisy black insect overhead, a brutal finger of light stabbing from it, scanning and searching for the fugitive. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 1409.Ahead in the distance he could see the steady glow of civilization, and nearer, a bizarre little building, isolated and remote. Alien Grfvnbvoergfrehldaqw3q pressed onward, forcing a sprint from his three exhausted lower limbs, and starting to feel the telltale signs of cellular collapse within his muscles. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 1410.He dropped another severed hand behind him, to buy himself time. It seemed to slow the dogs down for a minute or two each time he did it. Losing the samples was a tragedy, but right now, survival was foremost in his mind. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 1411.The building was closer now, the guardians out front appeared to be sleeping - their long probiscus were safely nestled in their cradles and no attendants were around to arouse them. Alien Grfvnbvoergfrehldaqw3q approached slowly now, skirting the edge of the building and into the brightly lit front door. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 1412.Behind the small table in front of him stood a human. It grinned happily and said, "Hello. My name is Hajmu. Welcome to Slefen-Elefen. How may I be helping you?" Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 1413.Enraged, Alien Grfvnbvoergfrehldaqw3q leaped up on the counter and shrieked a Tellurian battle cry. His segmented tail lashed over his shoulder, the barbed spike plunging itself into the chest of the hapless human, causing an unholy scream of agony. Paralytic venom rushed into the victim's bloodstream, and Hajmu's eyes rolled upward. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 1414.Grabbing the twitching corpse with both hands, Alien Grfvnbvoergfrehldaqw3q slammed the cybernetic learning spike, recently grafted to his forehead, into the brain of Hajmu. In a delicious rush, a lifetime of memories, experiences, joys and sorrows flooded his nervous system. An exotic thrill filled the alien, liquid ecstacy dripping into every pore, every synapse. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 1415.Small chemical changes began throughout his body, alterations of form, adjustments of enzymatic processes, a rewiring of his internal systems. In a total overflow of sensation, Alien Grfvnbvoergfrehldaqw3q lapsed from consciousness. The lights flickered twice, and things returned to normal. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 1416.The two agents burst in through the front door, 9mm pistols in hand, and rapidly searched the aisles of products for the fugitive creature. Covering each other, and leaving no part of the store unturned, they checked each of the cabinets, and the bathroom. Finally, they turned to the man behind the counter. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 1417.It grinned happily and said, "Hello. My name is Hajmu. Welcome to Slefen-Elefen. How may I be helping you?" Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 1418.A hundred wise men could not determine what it was. Submitted: Sexy Alexei(tripping.out@his.remote.terminal) 1419.A thousand earthly prophets could not foresee its arrival. Submitted: Sexy Alexei(tripping.out@his.remote.terminal) 1420.A million warriors could not repel it. Submitted: Sexy Alexei(tripping.out@his.remote.terminal) 1421.In the end, it was a little girl of but seven years of age who knew it for what it was, and as she turned her face to the sky and pointed her hinger towards the object known to others only as the Entity, Submitted: Sexy Alexei(tripping.out@his.remote.terminal) 1422.(TO BE CONTINUED) Submitted: Sexy Alexei(tripping.out@his.remote.terminal) 1423.Shhhh! The curtains are breathing. Submitted: jimi(@purple.micro.dot.com) 1424.I looked to my shed. What stirred in yonder Garden Maintainence Utility Storage Construction? Submitted: Dangerman 1425.T'was large. Too large to be a mere mortal. Too large even for a big f***-off cow. I ventured outside to investigate. Submitted: Dangerman 1426.I heard a munching sound from within. The shed. I shone a torch. "What are you??" I shouted, manfully and yet with a delicate feminine edge. Or something. I opened the door with a hefty kick. Submitted: Dangerman 1427.Well, f*** me with a sawn-off shotgun, if it isn't everyone's favourite overweight dead rapper the Notorious B.I.G! He turned round with surprise and crushed the Flymo. Submitted: Dangerman 1428."What the blazes are you doing in my shed?" I asked. He went to speak, and three doughnuts fell from his sixteenth chin. Submitted: Dangerman 1429."I thought you were dead!" I ejaculated. "I am. But that doesn't mean I can't live in your shed, does it?" "I suppose not. Hey, why the long face?" I enquired. Submitted: Dangerman 1430."It sags under the sheer weighht of my collection of chins" he replied. "And anyway, I'm dead. I was quite enjoying life". Submitted: Dangerman 1431."Well, it serves you right for being a fat sleazy gang-war-loving talentless lard-bucket. You do realise that if you'd gone easier on the Big Macs, you would have been less of an easy target?" Submitted: Dangerman 1432."I know. I shouldn't be living in your shed without asking anyway, should I? I'll get my things and go. Pass me that Shovel would you? There's, erm, something I need to clear up.". Submitted: Dangerman 1433."So why were you living in my shed anyway?" I asked. "I was just hangin' with the hoes" he replied, in a rather pitiful conclusive punchline. "By the way, don't look in the greenhouse" he said, as he lumbered off to visit his mum Rosie Gaines. Submitted: Dangerman 1434.I looked in the greenhouse and had the shock of my life. "BUGGER OFF, TUPAC!!! AND GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY PARSLEY!!" You wouldn't get this trouble with Hanson, I mused. Submitted: Dangerman 1435.Going all the way back to #231, Jinxster: is that a threat or an invitation? Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1436.Why is Yoda eating that tarpaulin? That must taste like cardboard slowly basted in a sauce of melted Scotch tape and roofing tar. But perhaps he enjoys that sort of thing. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1437.And so the Four Arsemen of the Apocalypse decided that it would be better to become the Four Arsemen of Calypso, and they moved to Kingston, Jamaica, where they received a brutal scathing by the local music aficionadoes. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1438.They then reconsidered that perhaps being the Four Arsemen of Calypso was perhaps not such a good idea as they had previously thought, and became the Four Arsemen of the Appendix. Failing medical school because of losing their fourth companion to smallpox, the Three Arsemen committed mass suicide as members of the Heaven's Gate. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1439.Once inside the secret flying saucer behind comet Hale-Bopp, they decided to visit the aliens' old buddies who crashed in 1947 in Roswell, New Mexico. Finding that it was all a big mistake involving dummies for parachute tests and weather balloons, even though parachute dummies weren't used until 1953, they gave up all hope of ever having any fun. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1440.Fun, though, is a relative term; they were having much more fun the Four Pursemen of the Appomattox, the Four Coarse Men of the Alcatraz, and the Four Source Men of the Atlas all put together. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1441.Still, they thought, we miss our adventures with Phoenix and Kalhoun. And what ever happened to that little Pixie, too? These unanswered questions forced them to return to the surreal domain of Top-N, much as its alluring call has done to me. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1442.They returned, and since in Surreality anything can happen they were rejoined by the Fourth Arseman, who had really only been temporarily delayed by his fatal case of smallpox. "Thanks anyway for the cremation," he said, "but as you can see it was really all unnecessary." Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1443.After a good round of congratulations and arse-slapping, the Arsemen were ready to begin their search for Kalhoun and the Phoenix. "But where shall we begin?" asked the First. "Right here, of course," said the Third, and they proceeded to wait for seven years, six months, and thirty-eight seconds. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1444.Precisely at that moment which they had known the Phoenix would show up, by a freak use of the Improbability Drive, Ford Prefect showed up wearing the Phoenix's head. "My oh my," he exclaimed softly, "I seem to be rather muddled at the moment. Be back in a jiffy." So he vanished and the Arsemen waited another sixteen years, four months, three days and 4.298 nanoseconds. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1445.The Second Arsman then asked the Third, "has it been a jiffy yet?" "No," he replied, "I expect it'll be another minute or two. Seventy-seven years and three minutes later, the Phoenix appeared in full battle guise. "Well, what are you waiting for?" he shouted, "we must leave NOW if we're to stop the Undulating Hybrid Goat-Panda from destroying Ulaanbatar!" Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1446.Wondering why they should care about Mongolia's capital city, they nevertheless got up off their arses and followed the Phoenix to the cold nation uneasily situated between China and Russia. They asked the Phoenix if Kalhoun would be accompanying them. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1447."No," he said, "this is a solo job. Kalhoun is somewhere else at the moment doing urgent business. Santiago, Chile, as I believe." The Arsemen wondered what could possibly be of interest to Kalhoun in Chile, but before the thought was put into words (which, for the Arsemen, is not saying much) Kalhoun popped in, dropped from a height of 30,000 feet from a Russian cargo plane without a parachute. He fell in among the Arsemen and landed on top of their card table. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1448."Blast!" Kalhoun cried, "I can't believe I missed landing on that dime I threw out last week!" And so it came to pass that Kalhoun, for reasons unknown in Siberia instead of Chile, had chosen to join the Arsemen on their mission to Mongolia. "Such a joyful day is this, and a jolly good reunion," thought the Fourth Arseman, who didn't speak much. "Now if only Jinxster the Pixie were here... ah, but, that is too much to hope for." Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1449.Later, after wandering in the mountains of Mongolia for about three decades and finding no trace of the Goat-Panda, Kalhoun asked the First Arseman, "so what are we looking for anyway, old chap?" He was told in reply, "The Horrible Undulating Hybrid Goat-Panda!" "Horrible!?" shouted the Second Arseman, "you never said anything about horrible!" And he fled into the woods and was killed by a four-foot vampire bat. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1450.The bat, sensing that more tasty blood was to be had in the other Arsemen and especially the Phoenix and Kalhoun, crept up behind the party. A stirring of recognition moved the old bat to remember something from long ago, in her less-troubled past... when she was a carefree, loving pixie who never drank anyone's blood. Suddenly she fully realized the centuries-old memory and shouted out, "Hey, Phoenix! Kalhoun! Hey!" They did not hear her so she shouted more loudly. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1451.Upon turning to see who that blasted idiot was who was yelling at them incessantly, the Phoenix saw the bat and became afraid. "Nay, fear not, my friend," said Kalhoun in comfort, "methinks -- yes! It is! Our good old friend Jinxster, though horribly mutated and metamorphosed." The Phoenix ceased weeping like a little girl and began to laugh at his own cowardice, as the Arsemen were already doing. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1452.Jinxster the Bat caught up with them at last, and there was a happy, if tense, celebration. Phoenix looked jittery and nearly crawled into a fetal position several times, but each time Kalhoun had the Arsemen kick his arse for being so silly and he recovered. They pressed Jinxster for the story of her transformation (found in 1257-1282), and after she had finished, Kalhoun became concerned. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1453."What kind of joy must it have been, to allow it to be contaminated by evil? Surely the purest and highest kind of joy cannot be assaulted by grief, else it would be lesser than the evil of the world. The joy of true life, though it feels pain, sadness and compassion for the suffering, cannot truly be quenched by the dark forces! How, old bat, do you think I have survived and remained hopeful and optimistic even in a world such as this?" Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1454.Though they never did confront the Horrible Undulating Hybrid Goat-Panda, the little band of companions had a nice tea party and watched some old episodes of Doctor Who to compensate for the lost fun. Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I 1455.Once upon a time in a sleepy fishing village lived a young man called Pedro. Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie 1456.Pedro, like all the men in his village, was a fisherman, but unlike all the men in his village, he had a slightly different attitude to fishing in that his boat rarely entered the water. Pedro's boat was pulled high up on the beach, turned over and propped up with a lump of driftwood. Each day, early in the morning, all the men of the village would go out to sea in their fishing boats. Pedro, however, would go to the beach, attach a fishing line to his big toe, crawl underneath his boat and sleep the day away. Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie 1457.Many seasons passed peacefully for Pedro, until one day the local fishing magnate walked down to the beach to where Pedro lay sleeping under his boat. Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie 1458.The rich old man shook Pedro awake. "Pedro!" he exclaimed, "Why do you spend all day, every day, asleep here under your boat, unlike all the other men, who go uot to sea each day?" He paused, waiting for Pedro to offer an explanation. Pedro stayed quiet. "Pedro, I think you should turn your boat up the right way round, put it in the water and go fish!" Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie 1459."Why?" asked Pedro. Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie 1460."Because if you take your boat out to sea and cast your net, you will catch some fish," he explained. "Some of the fish you catch during your day at sea feed you, the extra fish you bring back to the market where you can sell them. The money you make from selling the fish you can save. Then the next day, you go out fishing again and catch more fish. The more fish you catch, the more you can sell, and the more money you can save." Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie 1461."But why?" asked Pedro. Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie 1462.The old man leaned forward and lowered his voice. "Once you have saved enough money, Pedro," he whispered confidentially, "you will be able to buy another fishing boat, then you can employ other men to crew your new fishing boat, between your new boats you will catch twice as many fish and make twice as much money." Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie 1463."Eventually" he shouted in excitement, "eventually, you will be able to buy many boats and employ many fishermen and make lots and lots of money!" Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie 1464.Pedro reflected briefly on the improbability of the concept and simply asked "Why would I want to do that?" Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie 1465."Like me, you will own a magnificent fleet of fishing boats," he exclaimed, "and the richest companies in the world will come to you, Pedro, and beg to buy your fleet, making you very, very rich indeed." Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie 1466."And why would I want to be rich?" asked Pedro, completely non-plussed. Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie 1467."WHY, WHY, WHY... why, then, you foolish young man, then you can spend the rest of your life lying on a beach." Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie 1468.Pedro smiled, lay back and closed his eyes. Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie 1469.And the moral of this story is, why work for what is free? Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie 1470.#1435: Why, my dear, I had no idea you were into that sort of thing! OK, what sort of bondage would you like, leather straps, cuffs or silk? And which whip would you like, the cane, the cat, or the bullwhip? Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie 1471.#1389: Oh it was nothing. We just prised the St Lawrence River open with a crowbar and let Michigan float down it. Although that eastern third of North America sinking is a pretty good idea too. Maybe we'll do that as well. Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie 1472.Selma the dancing chicken spring from its perch and lewdly gyrated, quietly clucking out a seductive sonnet. It batted its eyes at Farmer Bob, and delicately traced a heart shape in the dirt of the farmyard. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 1473.Farmer Bob grabbed the pullet by the neck, and quickly and cleanly beheaded it on the chopping block. Dinner tonight was going to be great! Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 1474.The other forty chickens, saddened, yet somehow prepared for the tragedy, watched the animated corpse of Selma run around the yard for a moment, then turned to each other and started thinking. Sooner or later, they'd find something they could do to end this slaughter. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 1475.Chickens cross the road because it is written in the scriptures. Submitted: Me(?@?) 1476.Come to think of it, there's a lot of crap written in other much more prominent publications that doesn't get a second glance. Submitted: Me(?@?) 1477.Did you ever hear the joke about the sky? It's way over your head. Submitted: Me(?@?) 1478.Did you ever hear the joke about the three wells? Well, well, well. Submitted: Me(?@?) 1479.This list is full of posts from people who have no idea what they are talking about and they should all find some other constructive things to do other than yank themselves and try to come up with something funny to post. Submitted: Me(?@?) 1480.Just me sat their with birds nests in his hair in the hollow duck from post #874. Submitted: anonymous 1481.1477-1478: "this isn't the rubbish jokes list" said Dangerman as he went by planting bombs. Submitted: anonymous 1482.#1479: Look out folks, Notorious B.I.G fan incoming!!!! Submitted: Dangerman 1483.And so Dragonlady awakes again and realizes that Rat's birthday is coming! What should she give him? Money? Fine gifts? A lap-dance? Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragon.dominatrix.com) 1484.No, none of that will do for her fine friend Rat! Dragonlady thinks of something better, and she's so nice she delivers it several days before his birthday. That's how nice a person Dragonlady is. Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragon.dominatrix.com) 1485.Wonder what Dragonlady gave her friend Rat for his 19th birthday? I'll tell you... Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragon.dominatrix.com) 1486.She handcuffed him to the deck in his back yard, and flogged him with her riding crop! 19 times plus one to grow on. Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragon.dominatrix.com) 1487.Now wasn't that nice of her? Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragon.dominatrix.com) 1488.Ummm, did I mention it's my birthday this week, DragonLady? I'm, erm, 473. Submitted: Dangerman 1489.Don't forget the one for luck... Submitted: Dangerman 1490.Look now, the Bulls are finished being the champs. The Jazz are the only team that gave them a run for their money. When the Jazz would win, it'd be by around 15 points. When the Bulls would win, it'd be by only one or two. I think everybody hear is smart enough to figure this out. The Bulls stink. Submitted: anonymous 1491.This list is too long Submitted: Da' Muffin Man(Lives@Dreary.Lane.com) 1492.I CAN'T FIND MY POSTS WHEN I POST THEM, WHERE ARE THEY GOING? Submitted: Twilight Zone(doo.doo.doo.doo) 1493. ``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_ Submitted: Twilight Zone(doo.doo.doo.doo) 1494. ``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_ Submitted: Twilight Zone(doo.doo.doo.doo) 1495. ``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_ Submitted: Twilight Zone(doo.doo.doo.doo) 1496.() )) CRAYOLA )) ) () )) CRAYOLA )) ) () )) CRAYOLA )) ) Submitted: Twilight Zone(doo.doo.doo.doo) 1497.Just for those who are interested: Until this entry, 'arse' is the 514th most commonly used word on this list, and is less often used than 'wiggle' (#509). Word #69 is "TiGar". Ironically, "DragonLady" clocks in at #98, 2 places above "Surreal". "Evil" places at #201, and position #666 is held by "surreality". The words "landscape", "offers", "peas", "perform", "smooth" (amongst many others) appear only twice. Finally, the ultimate answer to life, the universe and everything is either #42: "What?", or the words that are used 42 times "Head" "way" "here" "master". Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 1498.Smooth peas perform landscape offers. Smooth peas perform landscape offers. Smooth peas perform landscape offers. Smooth peas perform landscape offers. That should shake things up a bit. Submitted: Tec42(lost@c) 1499.Bullheads, bullheads, itty bitty bullheads, bullheads, bullheads, eat them up. YUM! Submitted: ChAoS demento 1500.Lord Kalhoun shot Alien NgrywhtmlRdmnJnxstrgqw3w with a decanter of endless watermelons then the vampire stake building fell. Submitted: ChAoS demento 1501.the pied viper stares into your soul, calling the rats to their doom. Submitted: ChAoS demento 1502.The Sparrow Ag Knew didn't know itself. Submitted: ChAoS demento 1503.Fly your trout! Submitted: ChAoS demento ------------------------------------------------------------------------ This list started by () Last updated: Mon 14 Jul 97 09:43:27 Remember to press the RELOAD button to see your submissions! See the ABOUT TOP-N file for more info... Submit an entry for this top-n ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [Back to TOP-N index] [Back to my HOME page]