Cartoon Law I.
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland.
He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down.
At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes
over.
Cartoon Law II.
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes
suddenly.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot,
cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole
or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton
called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
Cartoon Law III.
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming
to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon
is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless
cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall
of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout- perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony
often catalyzes this reaction.
Cartoon Law IV.
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down
twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to
capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
Cartoon Law V.
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock
to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an
adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle
of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character
who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground,
especially when in flight.
Cartoon Law VI.
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in
which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation
at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies
that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of
self- replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve
the velocity required.
Cartoon Law VII.
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances;
others cannot.
This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generation,
but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface
to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space.
The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the
painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
Cartoon Law VIII.
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional
nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed.
After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back,
or solidify.
Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
Cartoon Law IX.
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also
applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief
of watching it happen to a duck instead.