| Symptom | Probable Cause | Solution |
|---|---|---|
| Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, shirt front wet | Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face | Take a six-pack and practice in front of mirror until drinking technique is perfect |
| Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, beer unusually pale | Glass empty | Find someone who'll buy you another beer |
| Feet cold and wet | Glass being held at incorrect angle | Hold glass such that open end points toward ceiling |
| Feet warm and wet | Loss of self control | Move to nearest dog. After a few minutes, complain loudly about its lack of training; demand beer in compensation |
| Bar hazy and out of focus | You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass | Find someone who'll buy you another beer |
| Bar swaying | Unusually high air turbulance, perhaps due to darts match | Insert broom handle down back of shirt |
| Bar moving | You are being carried out | Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly thatyou are being hijacked |
| You notice that the wall opposite you is covered with ceiling tiles and has a flourescent strip across it | You have fallen over backwards | If no one is standing on your drinking arm and your beer is full, stay put. Otherwise, have someone help you up and lash yourself to the bar |
| Everything has become dim. Your nose & lips are bleeding | You have fallen over forwards | Same as for falling over backwards |
| You wake to find your bed hard, cold, and wet. You can't seem to find your bedroom walls or ceiling | You have spent the night in the gutter | Check to see if it is opening time. If it isn't, treat yourself to a lie in. |
| Everything has gone dark and quiet | The bar is closing | PANIC!!!! |