Due to the current financial situation, the management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over 30 years of age into early retirement. This scheme will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged Persons Early).
People selected to be RAPED can apply to the management for the S.H.A.F.T. scheme (Special Help After Retirement). People who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under S.C.R.E.W. (Scheme for Early Retired Workers). A person may only be RAPED once SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the management deems appropriate.
People who have been RAPED can apply for A.I.D.S. (Additional Income for Dependants and Spouses) or H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously people who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the management.
People staying on will receive as much S.H.I.T. (Special High Intensity Training)
as possible. The management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it
gives its staff. Should you feel that you are not receiving enough SHIT please
bring it to the attention of your manager. He has been trained to give you all
the SHIT you can handle.