Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean
the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little
signs to point them out?
A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up
at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit
staring at your fingers.
Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?
A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature,
however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In,
which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty
at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector
program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say
I didn't warn you.
Q. My religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can
i type capital letters and punctuation?
A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps
your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe
you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also consider
replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with lower case
expressions; replace ? with "huh" and ! with "zowie".
Q. I PRESSED SHIFT AND IT"S STUCK DOWN NOW!
A. Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard frequently?
If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation. First, disconnect
your keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you
can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly with your
favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to
dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a handheld blowdryer, or place
it it the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to clean the lint screen
when you are finished.
Q. Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but
there are two keys labelled "hif"?
A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your
hands more frequently for that matter.
Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?
A. Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labelled with
an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be
thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them
confusin' words 'n stuff on it.
Q. I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I
want big letters. Is there any other way to do this?
A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the
shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer
is equipped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word "shift" very
clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see
if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several
times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works
reliably.
Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?
A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two.
Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts.
Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make
little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's better
to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.
Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?
A. They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears
much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because
of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at
night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from
a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!
Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many
times, will my computer explode?
A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100 terminal
emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it. Forget
I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.
Q. No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem
to work. What's wrong?
A. Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard, the problem
may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation of these keys to
send you a Message that you have strayed from the path of righteousness. Use
this as an opportunity to reflect on your life. Before rushing blindly ahead
with a lot of shifting, consult the spiritual advisor of your choice for help
in dealing with any unresolved issues in your relationship with the Almighty.