Erris fired arrow after arrow at Blood Raven, but the rogue just cackled at her, dancing on a tombstone as she dodged every shot. Garou threw Munin into the air, drew his sword, and charged in behind the barbarian.
Oksana and Tharos looked at each other. "This doesn't look good," she muttered, fingering another firebomb in her left hand. The necromancer didn't reply, waving his club and muttering. A moment later, Oksana nodded, and tossed the bomb up into the air.
The bomb came down, landing just in front of the tombstone, and Blood Raven suddenly lost her balance, getting caught by one of the zombies. “Er, is this in the script?” the zombie said.
“Cut!”
As they began to prepare themselves for the day, Charsi approached the group. "Um, hey guys?" she asked, nervously twirling a strand of bleached blond hair around a finger. "Like, I don't mean to impose or anything, but, like, it would be so cool if you could do me a favor?"
Rupert nodded, trying his best to look impressive. "Of course, my lady. What can we do for you?"
With a sudden scowl, Charsi started shouting. “Fire the goddamn scriptwriter! Get me someone who doesn’t treat every blond like an airheaded bimbo!”
Erris frowned, looking thoughtful. “I’m not treated like an airheaded bimbo.”
Rupert snickered. “No, you got written in more like an abusive, stone-hearted bitch.”
“CUT!”
When they awoke, the outside halls were eerily quiet. They all rose, trying to stay hushed, and pulled the large desk away from the door. Outside, the halls of the barracks were deserted. Moving slowly, Flora led the way towards the armory and the Malus.
As they grew closer, they could hear the rhythmic sounds of the hammer against metal, and soon the pumping sounds of the bellows. They crept up to the open doorway, and saw the man at the anvil, pounding away. The huge, red skinned demon seemed somehow familiar, but no one got a chance to ponder it.
Before they had a chance to do anything, Griswold started singing. “If I had a hammer, I’d hammer in the morn-“
“Cut!”
As the adventurers started to congratulate each other, the large double doors boomed open. Andariel, the Maiden of Anguish, strode into the room, her demonic eyes scanning the room. At her feet followed one of the Tainted, the six-foot demon rising barely to her waist.
Oksana whistled. “Wow, look at the size of those hooters!” Andariel started to laugh.
“Cut!”
"Get away from them you bitch!" The rough voice echoed through the room, and Andariel turned around to regard Rupert curiously. The paladin kneeled at the edge of a brackish pool of water, the natural well the Fallen had polluted during their stay. But Rupert swayed unsteadily, and Andariel strode forward confidently to finish him off.
Rupert waited until she was halfway across the pool, then dropped his arm and touched the surface of the pool, calling upon the angels in prayer. Andariel shrieked, lunging forward, but with a crackle, the water purified in a rapid circle from the paladin's hand. He dropped to the floor, her hand missing him by inches as the holy water dissolved her mortal body.
As Rupert started to climb back to his feet, Baal popped out of the pool. “Ta-da!”
“Cut!”
Erris snorted, pulling off the makeup for her head wound. “Geez, no wonder they call him the Lord of Distractions.”
“Hurry up, get ready for another take.” The director glared at Erris. “What do you think this is, break time? Put your makeup back on!”
One of the ghouls groaned, fumbling in his costume. “Can’t we take a friggin’ smoke break?”
With their new mercenary in tow, the group of heroes returned to the central marketplace. Garou and Tharos looked at each other. "Ever get the impression that you were trapped in a really bad story?" the druid asked.
The necromancer nodded. "Sometimes. Like right now. Why do you ask?"
Garou sighed. "Well, when this is all over, I want a big reward. Either the author's life, or a bottomless cask of wine."
Tharos pointed. “I don’t know about the author, but the director is sitting right there. When we’re done with him, how about torturing the camera crew?”
“Cut!”
Offstage, Baal snickered. “I don’t know, I think they have a point. I mean, look at my part?”
Mephisto groaned. “Hey, at least you don’t have to be associated with William ‘I can … talk with … lots of pauses … for no reason’ Shatner.”
“Can the talk over there!” The director waved his megaphone dangerously. “I can always find someone else to replace you. CGI work is amazing nowadays.”
Baal shook his head sadly. “No one appreciates a good actor anymore.”
Just then, a roar sounded from the sewer entrance near the docks, sounding too much like the undead they had left behind. Cursing, the adventurers rushed back towards the dock, Garou and Erris rolling Kenny along after the mercenary tripped.
As they came in sight of the docks, they could see Radament standing there, controlling almost three score undead, battling with Griez' beleaguered men. But Erris winked at Garou, and with a final shove, they hurled the rolling Kenny straight into the crowd of skeletons.
With several crashes, Kenny bowled straight through the bony ranks and into Radament, launching them both into the air, off the side of the docks, and out into the ocean. As the undead hit the salty water, his body shattered, the bones dissolving into the sea. Without the leader to guide them, and with Oksana and Ron Bars merrily joining the melee, the other skeletons were quickly turned into little piles of splinters.
Drognan finally limped up to them, shaking his staff at Erris. "You said he was dead already!"
Baal rose up out of the water, the discostumed Radament on his back, coughing. “Damnit, I can’t hold my breath that long!”
“Cut!”
"Shiny," Ron Bars said, in a quieter voice than usual. Jezebel snorted, poking the barbarian in the ribs. The group slowly mounted the marble steps leading to the palace entrance. A decorated guard stood outside, holding his spear sideways to block the doors.
"You may not enter the palace," the guard said.
Ron Bars looked at him. "Shiny building," he said.
"You may not enter the palace," the guard replied.
"Shiny building," Ron Bars growled back.
“Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?” the guard asked angrily.
“Man, don’t nobody understand the words that are coming out of your mouth!” Ron Bars replied.
“Cut! That does it, Jackie, you’re fired!”
“But that’s not fair!” Jackie Chan complained. “You can’t discriminate like this!”
“Cut! Find me a replacement!”
"Shiny," Ron Bars said, in a quieter voice than usual. Jezebel snorted, poking the barbarian in the ribs. The group slowly mounted the marble steps leading to the palace entrance. A decorated guard stood outside, holding his spear sideways to block the doors.
"You may not enter the palace," the guard said.
Ron Bars looked at him. "Shiny building," he said.
"You may not enter the palace," the guard replied.
"Shiny building," Ron Bars growled back.
“You may not enter the palace,” the guard said.
“You know, maybe we should go get a beer after this set,” the barbarian joked.
“You may not enter the palace,” the guard said.
He waited. After a moment, the guard repeated himself. “You may not enter the palace,” the guard said.
“Hey, I think it’s broken,” Erris said, looking at the back of the dummy.
“Cut! Somebody check the damn CD player in the thing.” In disgust, the director threw down his megaphone and stalked to the restrooms.
Finally, muttering obscenities under his breath, Tharos threw his wand to the ground in disgust. "I give up. I can't read enough of this ancient script to figure out what to do."
Rupert thought for a moment. "I guess then, let's retreat back to the stairs, and we can use one of your skeletons to push open the door." The others nodded, as none of them had any brighter ideas, and Erris kicked Ron Bars to wake up.
They quickly walked back to the stairs, leaving only the two skeletons standing by the door. As they watched, Tharos held his wand, and one skeleton shoved against the stone slab. Slowly, it retreated into the floor.
Baal jumped out. “Ta-da!”
“CUT!”
Finally the guard returned, with Lord Jehryn following him. The leader looked at the ragged assembly, and sighed heavily. "I hear that you've managed to destroy the altar in the Claw Viper temple. I suppose I should be impressed at your luck, but frankly I'm too surprised that it's lasted this long.
"But that's not why I called you here. Shortly before the troubles began, a traveling sorcerer came to the palace and asked to do some research in the palace cellars. I didn't think much of it at the time, but apparently he never reappeared. With the demons appearing at the walls, I allowed the harem guilds to take shelter inside the palace."
Oksana interrupted him, looking positively delighted. "Harem girls? Oh goody, when do we get to meet them?"
“You don’t, the budget couldn’t afford it,” Rupert quipped.
“Cut!”
Ron Bars knew they were in trouble, so he picked the most effective course of action - he picked up Kenny, straining mightily, and threw the mercenary at the monster. The beast had only a moment to shriek in horror before the five-hundred pound Kenny smashed into him. The monster went flying back, his head taking out a chunk of the stone doorway.
The others all stared at the hole for a moment, then looked at Ron Bars. Then Rupert and Garou gave a loud cheer, clapping the barbarian on the back. Their joy was short lived, however, as the monster again appeared in the doorway. "Now you've really pissed me off," he growled, preparing all of his scimitars.
"Aw, nutbunnies," Oksana muttered. The monster started laughing.
“Nut bunnies? What the hell kind of a swear word is that?”
“Cut!”
Ron Bars charged through the portal first, Erris and Garou fast on his heels. Kenny, wailing and holding his cut hand, tottered through next. Oksana looked at Tharos before she stepped into the portal. "Think we'll find anything interesting?"
The necromancer laughed. "There's an old curse I read about. 'May you live in interesting times.' I think we're already cursed with that, don't you?"
The assassin gave him a wink. But before she could say anything further, Jezebel impatiently shoved her through the portal too, and shook her staff at Tharos. This managed to nail Rupert right in the crotch, but she didn't notice that. "Enough flirting, Tharos. We have a Prime Evil to catch, remember?"
The necromancer smiled sardonically. "Once we catch him, can we sell him as a collector's item?"
Baal snickered. “I already tried selling Diablo on e-bay. It only got up to $30 before they shut the auction down. All those rules about not selling humans online.”
“But he’s not even human!” Jezebel protested.
“CUT!”
This chest was empty, except for a layer of fine dust at the bottom. In eagerness, Oksana bent down and threw it out of the way. The resulting trap explosion knocked all of them down, and threw her backwards to the very edge of the platform. She screamed as she started to slide off the edge, her hands frantically grabbing for any purchase to keep her from falling into the abyss.
Tharos was up quickly, and his skeletons clattered forward to grab the assassin's wrists. But their bony hands could not hold her, and she slipped again, to the very edge of the platform. "Help me!" Ron Bars crawled forward, his powerful hand clamping over one arm, while Garou kept him from sliding away also. Erris extended her bow, trying to get Oksana to grab that as a lifeline.
They held there for a minute, the heroes unable to get the leverage to pull Oksana back up to safety. Then Ron Bars' hand, slick with sweat, lost its purchase, and Oksana fell, screaming in horror, down into the abyss. They all stood there, staring, as she bounced on the safety net.
“Cut! Damnit, the net isn’t supposed to be in the shot!”
His magic went on for several minutes in harsh, gutteral tones, and though he dodged javelins constantly, he voice never stopped. Then he ended with a flourish, wand pointing at the pile of corpses. Nothing happened for a moment, then the bodies shifted. In a sudden movement, Baal jumped out of the pile. “Ta-da!”
“CUT!”
As they left the second tomb, Erris looked up and almost screamed in shock. The others followed her pointing finger across the half-mile span of the canyon. In the other rock wall was a large crack, extending back for a few hundred feet. But of more interest, there at the front, barely in the shadows, was the creeper.
It was sitting a table with Baal, Mephisto, and Diablo. As the heroes grew nearer, they were playing poker. With a grumble, the creeper folded, and Diablo chuckled, laying down a full house.
“Cut! What do you morons think you’re doing?”
Baal looked up as he put down a straight flush. “Oh, we’re filming again? Sorry.”
They all gathered around carefully, even Kenny, watching Rupert carefully place the staff into the stand and lock it into place. Then the staff started to glow, and the room began to shake. They all backed away from the staff slowly. Then a bright light shot out of the staff, straight at Kenny, who squeaked in fear and dropped to the ground.
The light played over one wall, a mosaic of the capturing of the three Prime Evils. Slowly, a portion of the wall began to glow as well, until suddenly it collapsed, masonry and tiles flying everywhere. Kenny had just began to stand up when Baal leaped out of the darkness, landing on him. “Ta-da!”
“Cut! And someone re-inflate Kenny!”
After looking at the dead beast, Tharos stumbled away and puked. Dogmeat licked his face as he recovered, and the heroes again circled around the chest. This time, though, Jezebel flipped open the lid with her staff, miraculously not striking anyone in the process.
Ron Bars held up a torch and pulled out the contents - a small pouch full of gold, and a surprisingly preserved liver. As the barbarian moved to take a bite out of it, Erris grabbed his arm. "Don't eat that, you uncultured fool! You have to cook the liver just right, and serve it with Chianti and some fava beans.”
Tharos snickered. “Look, it’s Mrs. Hannibal Lector.”
“Cut!”
It turned out the shaman had tripped over another chest, nearly identical to the first. They opened it up, and Oksana gasped in surprise, as Rupert turned a beet red. "Well, no wonder he was a most important priest," she said, her eyes wide. "Can I keep it?"
"No."
"But -"
"No. It goes to Cain." Very gingerly, Rupert pulled out Khalim's manhood, and swiftly dropped it into his pack, wiping his hand clean on his pants. “I knew this movie would be rated ‘R’ but for violence, not sexual conduct.”
Erris snickered. “That depends on whether or not they hid cameras in your dressing room.”
“CUT!”
Most of the room was a large, brackish pool. But out on a rock in the center was another small chest, remarkably like the first one. They gathered at the edge of the pool, and one of the skeletons stepped into it, dropping swiftly to the bottom. They followed its slow progress for a few feet, then something slammed into the skeleton, and the magical fires went out.
Almost in perfect unison, everyone stepped back from the edge of the pool. Dogmeat hid behind Ron Bars and whined. "Ok, something is down there, and I'm not swimming across to get that chest until I know what it is," Erris said.
Baal’s head popped out of the pool. “Ta-da!”
“Cut!”
Wordlessly, she pointed her staff at one of the piles of bodies. These ones had had their throats slit, skins left pale from the absence of blood. Garou slowly moved closer to the pile, and after a moment, he suddenly backed away as well. Tharos peered at the bodies in horror. "I didn't know that could be done," he whispered, holding a hand to his mouth as though sick.
"What is it?" Rupert asked, backing away from the bodies as well.
"Do you hear the voices?" Tharos replied, waving his wand vaguely into the air. When Rupert nodded, he pointed it at the bodies. “I see dead people. They walk around like normal people,” he said quietly, with a hint of terror in his voice,” and they don’t even know their dead. One of them is sitting right over there!”
As Tharos pointed his wand at the director, he threw down the megaphone. “Cut!”
They reached the "bottom" of the new staircase, trying not to look back at where they had been, just in case. A large stone archway separated the stairs from the open plain, and they moved quietly, trying to avoid being noticed by the demons. They stared across the open landscape of endless gray, hearing the maddened cries of tortured souls and the lumbering bellows of demons.
Off to one side, a man dressed in khaki fatigues was sneaking up behind a balrog, while a cameraman walked behind him, filming. “Now, the balrog here is quite a frightening specimen!” he said in a thick Australian accent. “They defend their territory with hot, fiery breaths!”
Suddenly, the director stormed onto the set. “Who let Steve bloody Irwin in here?”
They spread out, and started exploring the walkways here. Giant maggots, much like those they had faced in the deserts of Aranoch, littered the place, their young attacking in almost endless waves. With them were twisted demonic women, belching up grotesque worms to assault them as well.
While these weak opponents were hardly a challenge for the heroes, the sheer numbers almost pushed them back more than once. Before long, they had reached a split in the path. Oksana pointed off to the left. "The Hellforge is that way," she said, pointing.
Rupert looked at her in doubt. "How can you be so sure?" In response, she just stared at the surface of the river for several seconds, waiting for the sign-bearing skeleton to emerge. Instead, Baal popped out of the river. “Ta-da!”
With a groan, the director dropped his megaphone. “Cut!”
Pulling his dagger from his belt, he cast it to the ground, waving his wand and chanting. As the others watched, the metal deformed, growing rapidly in size. Soon, an eight-foot, metal giant stood there next to the wall. Following its master’s commands, the golem turned to the wall, and squatted.
Metal hands punched through the base of the wall, then heaved. A twenty foot section of wall went flying into the air, and Baal stepped through from the other side. “Ta-da!”
“Cut!”
The heroes fought on through hordes of the pig demons, strong in their element and eager to destroy the minions of evil. Even Rupert was grinning, knocking a demon into the river of fire with his shield. Up ahead, they could see the end of the walkway, with a group of minotaurs guarding the chest.
Leading the group, Tharos’ golem clanked ahead, building up speed with demons diving aside rather than face it. Charging swiftly behind it, the heroes followed, bellowing war cries and more simple shouts of intimidation. But the leader of the minotaur stepped forward fearlessly to face the golem. Grabbing the golem’s hands, they began dancing around the center of the platform.
“Cut!”
The tunnel stretched out to their right, ice sculptures of fearsome bear-like creatures lining the walls. Ron Bars frowned, but started leading them deeper, towards the ice staircase somewhere up the mountain. Finally, he stopped, growling in frustration. “Something isn’t right here,” he muttered, looking back and forth as he waved his axes.
Garou sniffed, nodded. “I smell demons somewhere. But the smell of the ice itself makes it difficult.” Jezebel raised her empty hands, tossing globes of magical light towards the ceiling.
Oksana stepped closer to one of the statues, peering intently at it. “These statues are amazing, Ron. How did your people learn to carve such lifelike appearances?”
Then the statue farted. With a grimace, the statue next to it put a claw over its nose. “Damn it, Frank, did you have to have the bean burritos for lunch?”
“Cut!”
Suddenly, a faint sobbing threaded through the air, just barely audible over the sound of their footsteps. Rupert raised his head, shaking off the effects of the ice. “Wait, everyone. Stop moving.” The others started to shake themselves out of the daze as they, too, heard the faint crying. “Where is that coming from?”
Just offstage, Baal held up two puppets. “That crying? It’s probably the audience. After watching all of this, I’d be crying too!” Statler said.
“No, I think that’s the studio executives,” Waldorf said, “for agreeing to finance this!”
“Cut! And get me Jim Henson on line one!”
The others leaped up, grabbing their weapons as they dashed towards the rear of the cave. Ahnold almost tripped over the fallen torch, and it would have sent him to his death. Somehow, in their earlier search, the heroes had not noticed the giant tunnel, leading almost straight down for at least a hundred feet, at the rear of the cave.
Rupert picked up the torch. The end was covered in ice crystals, and he swore as he threw it over his shoulder. “Damn! If only we had a snowboard. I bet riding down the side of this thing would be bitchin!”
“Cut!”
As the scroll finished, everyone shivered, feeling the tingles of the magic spell running over their skin like ants. When it finished, Ron Bars led them through the city to Anya’s house. As he raised a fist to pound on the door, they heard her calling from around the side of the house. “Morning, everyone,” she said, her face pale. She leaned a little further out of the unshuttered window. Behind her, Baal appeared in the window, grinning, and gave Anya rabbit ears with his fingers.
“Cut!”
The resulting explosion threw the group backwards, and everyone lost their breath as they slammed into the stone. Massive cracks raced through the paintings, chips falling away and marring the delicate work of barbarians generations ago. Fighting hard to regain their breath, the heroes struggled back to their feet, grasping for fallen weapons to prepare, just in case Nihlathak had another trick up his sleeve.
But a few moments later, the golem clanked slowly from the preparation room. Spikes had been dented and bent, and a huge chunk of stone was still stuck to one leg. With a collective sigh of relief, everyone lowered their weapons and started forward, to inspect the damage.
Suddenly, Nihlathak lunged forward from the room. Holding in his intestines with his one working arm, he suddenly tripped over his own feet, slamming into the wall. With a groan, he picked himself up, holding his bloody nose. “I still say I need a stunt double,” he complained.
“Cut!”
Lord of Distractions and everything not already owned by Blizzard is copyright BlueNinja