Attack of the Clowns

Heroes: Dust, Jag, Zeke and Balarai Snowe
Enemies: Wild Animals, Black Marketeers, Glenn Beck, and the Flying Circus

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Jag – Officer’s Dispatch 3

Recent Duties: While you can’t admit to any form of discrimination, you have to admit you’re relieved that Arch Hall Jr. is finally behind bars. His face alone was a crime against mankind, and that’s without even mentioning his music. Sadly, his presence doesn’t seem to have been the only crime on this base, and (as usual) you’re going to have your work cut out for you keeping things clean in the Senators’ presence.

Troop Status
- Supplies: PK-33 Handguns, Armored Flak Vests, Deluxe Laywers’ suits, briefcases full of legal documents.
- Morale: The Shark Pack seems to have gotten somewhat accustomed to their members falling in the field, and even find a bitter degree of satisfaction in the downfall of their rivals.
- Health: McMason is still suffering from a bass-related injury. His camera is in even worse shape, from the much more dangerous affliction of Arch Hall’s face.

Military Communiques
- A military parade in honour of the political visit is scheduled for this afternoon, at 1500 hrs. You intend to make sure things are squeaky clean before that time.

Personal Notes - ‘Accidental’ injuries around the base only continue to increase. While some of these appear to be due to the use of the substandard explosives you heard about earlier, many soldiers have been wounded via other means as well. Of course, their misfortune is the gain of William Mattar, auto-injury lawyer.
- According to Mattar’s files, the sheer volume of accidental injuries and the variety of their causes is staggering. Many men are suffering from knife wounds, concussions and have even been mauled by wild animals. If you can locate the source of these dangerous, rabid animals, you intend to request permission to assemble a military contingent and investigate.
- Rumors continue to circulate about the base concerning the presence of illicit drugs, in particular marijuana. Clearly, this sort of thing cannot be permitted, especially with important political figures on the base.

Mini-Objective
- Investigate and put a stop to all of the following illicit activity:
- Explosive Injuries
- Accidental Injuries
- Animal Injuries
- Marijuana Use

Dust – Officer’s Report 3

Recent Duties: You can’t help but feel immensely satisfied at your repeated pistol-whipping of Arch Hall Jr. Now if only you’d had a shoulder-mounted anti-aircraft rocket, you could have stopped the rest of that ridiculous Eegah adventure. As it is, you’ve been busy trying to coax the Boyos out of their tent, where they’ve been holed up. Between the Spheran soldiers and all the snakes, they’ve been afraid to so much as set foot outside lately.

Troop Status
- Supplies: SIR Rifles, Republic Sabres, beer flagons and several kegs of Charlie Mops’ best beer.
- Morale: The Boyo Scouts aren’t at all pleased at having lost one of their own in the battle with the Spherans. You’ve tried to explain that such things are to be expected in war, but that’s only made matters worse.
- Health: Bad news: Dijon is down! Apparently, while practicing his morning fencing routine, he stepped into some kind of knife trap that someone had very carelessly left lying around and had to be sent off to the infirmary for stitches. Rumor of this event is yet another reason the rest of the Boyos are afraid to leave their tent.

Military Communiques
- A military parade in honour of the political visit is scheduled for this afternoon, at 1500 hrs. You sincerely hope you can coax the Boyos out of their tent before that time.

Personal Notes
- The arrogance of some of these Electran politicians really makes your skin crawl! Nevertheless, you don’t intend to miss out on this opportunity, especially the presence of the high-ranking Conventionals officer Major-General Byrne-White. You’ve been suspicious for some time about the general lack of your fellow boys in blue at the base, and you intend to get answers.
- Leaving the base has become more than a little hazardous lately. Not only must you keep an eye out for the potential presence of snakes, but rabid, wild animals are on the loose as well! You happened to spot a whole horde of them in a river valley to the west of the base, and barely escaped with your skin.
- There have been some suspicious-looking characters hanging around. Just this morning, a man in a colorful hawaiian shirt was around trying to sell you what he called ‘discount explosives.’ Of course, such weapons are far too crude and noisy for your more precise tastes.

Mini-Objective
- Arrange a private, personal meeting with Major-General Edward Byrne-White.

Balarai Snowe – Officer’s Report 2

Recent Duties: As usual, things have been pretty lax in the Snowe Man’s camp. The biggest debate has been whether or not the squad should look into the acquisition of a dunebuggy. Some of them are thinking it could save them a lot of walking, but others are concerned it’s not a ‘safe’ method of transportation. Especially since the water in the tires is likely to freeze in this climate.

Troop Status
- Supplies: Heavy Field Mortars, ratched-up winter parkas and snowshoes. This equipment does not yet include a dunebuggy, although there has been talk of acquiring one.
- Morale: Your troops have lately been busy chuckling about how every unit but them was getting busted up in the last fight. This has put them in very good spirits indeed.
- Health: Although none of your men were wounded in battle with the Spherans, several have been since that time. Allegedly, these injuries occurred while experimenting with some supplies of cheap explosives they’ve managed to pick up.
Military Communiques
- A military parade in honour of the political visit is scheduled for this afternoon, at 1500 hrs. Normally, you’re not too interested in such things, but you’ve heard that the politicians’ clout could result in military funding for the most promising units. That’s an offer that’s hard to refuse.

Personal Notes
- Fats Dynamo has been raving about the stockpile of cheap explosives that are available on the base. Apparently, someone on the base is selling them and bypassing that ridiculous ‘military credit’ system. Obtaining more of these munitions could never be a bad thing for burying your opponengs.

Mini-Objective
- Obtain more of these discount munitions that your men are talking about.

Zeke – Officer’s Report 7

Recent Duties: As far as you’re concerned, the biggest danger on this base isn’t the Spherans, snakes or any other wild animals. It’s Acquisitions Captain Glenn Beck, and his seemingly infinte supply of bitterness and cynicism. You’ve had to spend a considerable amount of time dealing with him in getting all the new men you’re hiring properly outfitted, and you’re completely fed up (and not with steak).

Troop Status
- Supplies: Hacksaw Shotguns, Combat Daggers, Combat Helms, full supplies of ammunition and rations. Sadly, Glenn Beck still doesn’t seem to have any supply of marijuana, since you could have then gotten him kicked off the base.
- Morale: You don’t know about your men, but your own morale has been under siege from Glenn Beck. His infinite bitterness is truly a powerful weapon indeed.
- Health: Rumors continue to circulate that your men are in poor health due to their marijuana-smoking habits. You suspect that Glenn Beck is the principal culprit behind these rumors. You know for a fact that none of your men possess the illicit substance, since if they did, you would surely plant it on Beck to get him kicked off the base.

Military Communiques
- A military parade in honour of the political visit is scheduled for this afternoon, at 1500 hrs. Normally, you’re not too interested in such things, but you’ve heard that the politicians’ clout could result in military funding for the most promising units. That’s an offer that’s hard to refuse.

Personal Notes
- Glenn Beck has always been bitter and irritating, but this time it’s personal. Apparently, he’s been insinuating that your alleged recent visit to Mexico was nothing more than a drug-running trip in an attempt to smuggle marijuana onto the base. Obviously, these accusations are completely false since you were never even really in Mexico, but you’re none too keen to point that fact out. As far as you’re concerned, it’s all on the wheel, and Glenn Beck is about to be on the receiving end.
- While parking Byrne-White’s red and white helicopter, you noticed some garishly painted bright red fighter planes parked on the airstrip. It’s almost as if a flying circus has landed on the base or something.

Mini-Objective
- Trump up charges against Glenn Beck to assure his removal from the base.

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Adventure Summary

Lady Lorinda, daughter of the Senate's High Chancellor, appears none the worse for wear from her imprisonment, and coldly thanks our heroes for their rescue effort.

Keigo is left behind to watch Arch Hall's men while the rest escort the Lady back to base in the helicopter.

Lunch occurs, as usual, in the mess tent. Sgts. McMason and Dijon seem to be absent due to injuries.

Jag seems very concerned about rumors of marijuana use on the base, and about all the accidental injuries. So does William Mattar, auto-injury lawyer, who arrives getting lunch for his client, McMason.

Dutch Detective Klogg orders a "tok tok tok", which appears to be a chicken sandwich.

Dust, Zeke, Snowe and Fats Dynamo are accosted in the food line by a pack of clowns, and repeatedly pied in the face. They are stopped only by the arrival of Manfred von Richtoven, the Red Baron, who is apparently their leader.

Jag and Snowe leave, searching for the underground arms-dealer to no effect.

Zeke searches for marijuana in the Auxiliaries camp. Fats tells him he thinks it's legal in this 'Holland' place.

Dust begins a long search for Byrne-White, which takes him all over the camp.

After various investigations, Jag assembles our heroes' units to hunt down the pack of wild animals that have been attacking patrols outside the base.

The colorful Sgt. Funky arrives for the deployment, and is accosted by Jag, who threatens legal action if he doesn't stop his arms dealing.

A savage battle ensues against lions, tigers and bears, oh my! As well as some tactically brilliant, coconut-throwing monkeys. Dust's Boyos in particular are badly mauled in the attack, but eventually the beasts are put down.

Upon returning to base, Dust tracks down Byrne-White at his helicopter, and the two go for a flight.

Jag and Zeke both hear rumors that the source of the marijuana on the base is Axen Dredd, Deksiilan 'diplomat'.

Jag, Zeke and Mattar interrogate Dredd, who denies any involvement and repeatedly demands diplomatic sanction.

Klogg arrives on the scene, and admits to having marijuana he confiscated from some criminals smuggling it out of Holland.

The marijuana is locked up as evidence, and Dredd is returned to his cell.

Later, Glenn Beck is discovered with marijuana in his supply tent and put behind bars.

Our heroes march in the military parade, impressing politicians and their superiors.

Following the parade, Jag and the heroes are attacked by the devious clowns, who are upset at Jag for stopping their animals and ruining their fun.

Despite a great deal of funny business, including the clowns' immunity to non-funny damage, our heroes bring the Flying Circus down to defeat.