Jag – Officer’s Dispatch 16
Heroes: Jag, Atobe Keigo, Dust, Pacci, Jean Reno and Balarai Snowe
Enemies: Inspector Bookman, Annoying College Buddies, and the Verizon In Wireless Network
Recent Duties: You’re relieved to finally be back to the order and lawfulness of civilization. Now you can finally get down to work on your huge backlog of legal business. Unfortunately, even here away from the warzone, there seems to be no shortage of distractions to keep you from your work…
Troop Status
Supplies: Schmitzer SMGs, Armored Flak Vests, Deluxe Laywers’ suits, Field Medkit, Healing Syringes and briefcases full of legal documents.
Morale: As you predicted all along, in the end the Shark Pack was just you and Mattar. Mattar claims this makes him Senior Partner in your firm. He’s also been inordinately smug about the numerous interrupting phone-calls you’ve been getting recently.
Health: You haven’t been able to sleep since getting back to the city. Not that this is unusual for you, but you’d rather it were because you were working instead of your phone ringing off the hook at all hours of the night.
Military Communiques
You have received notice that you are being promoted to the rank of Lieutenant First-Class for your exceptional service in the Crystal Range. The ceremony will be taking place today at 1600hrs in the Officer’s Centre.
Legal gossip is flying all over the Special Forces Law Division. Rumor has it that the Senate is preparing a military court martial case against Special Forces Commander Kilant. Given his direct and openly admitted defiance of Senate orders, their legal case could likely be a strong one. The Commander’s public popularity is probably his best defense at this point.
Personal Notes
It was tough being the first of your college friends to graduate. When you left for the frontlines, you told several of your old ‘buddies’ that they could stay at your house while you were gone. As it turns out, they’re all still there, and they’ve been calling you non-stop on this Verizon In-Network cell-phone plan that you signed up for. It’s not that you ever go home, mind you, but those guys are making a mess of the place, and you’re finding it impossible to get any work done. They’re in, and you want them out as soon as possible.
Just today, you got a notice from the military library about some overdue fees on a book you took out ages ago. You always return your books on time, so you’re sure this must be some kind of mistake.
You’re still seething over that Balarai Snowe, and his theft of that top-secret thunder-sabre! If he hadn’t asked you to be his lawyer first, you’d be pressing charges right now. There are certainly days when that lawyer-confidentiality bit has its downsides.
Mini-Objective
Get your old college buddies out of your civilian house in suburbial Electra.
Balarai Snowe – Officer’s Report 15
Recent Duties: Not only are you pleased to finally be out of the Velguara Range warzone, but now you’ve even been paid on top of it all. Maybe this military stint isn’t so bad after all. For now, at least, you’re getting free food and accomodations, so it might be worth sticking around – at least until another war breaks out, that is.
Troop Status
Supplies: Heavy Field Mortars, 2 Remote Mines, Gortex winter parkas and snowshoes, and a ‘dangerous’ dunebuggy which is hopefully the biggest danger you’ll have to deal with for a while now.
Morale: Your boys are for the most part as happy as you are to be away from the frontlines. However, they are a little disgruntled about how over-crowded the Auxiliaries sector of the Military Quarters seems to be. Your men are still sleeping under a tarp, while the other divisions actually get a roof over their heads.
Health: Your men are pretty tired from their all-night victory celebration. Actually, from what you hear, the celebration is supposed to last a lot more than one night, which means they could be pretty tired for quite some time.
Military Communiques
You have received notice that you are being promoted to the rank of Lieutenant First-Class for your exceptional service in the Crystal Range. The ceremony will be taking place today at 1600hrs in the Officer’s Centre.
Despite the fact that the battle with the Spherans is over, the Auxiliaries have only continued to swell. As far as is known, the Senate hasn’t approved any additional funding for Khan, so he must be getting the money another way.
Personal Notes
As a master of information, it has recently come to your attention that today is none other than Lt. Atobe Keigo’s birthday. You personally couldn’t care less about this, but the one who brought you this information, Brock, certainly does. Having heard about your photographic work in the past, Brock came to ask you to be the official photographer for the event. Brock’s a good buddy of yours, so you were of course more than willing to help out. Especially when such help will more than likely earn you another pan of lasagna or two, which is certainly much better than the bland cafeteria fare you’re otherwise stuck with.
It’s unfortunate the others were able to see you with that new thunder-sabre of yours. You’ll have to make sure they keep it all low-key. Hopefully, you can pull that lawyer-confidentiality thing and get Jag to help you out with that.
Mini-Objective
Obtain as many birthday photos of Atobe Keigo as possible, preferably with her in embarrassing and humiliating situations.
Atobe Keigo – Officer’s Report 15
Recent Duties: Unlike many, you are of mixed feelings about returning to your home-city. While you are of course thrilled at having defeated those disgusting Spherans, you’re going to miss the excitement of battle and of BURNINATING both things and people with extreme prejudice. Plus, you’re always a little leery of returning home. You fear no enemy on the field of battle, but your mother is another story. Oh well, at least you should get a chance to work on your tennis game…
Troop Status
Supplies: FLAME-THROWERS, Deluxe uniforms, kamikaze headbands, several exploding “tennis balls” and a fake red Santa hat.
Morale: Word has gotten out among your men that today is your birthday. As such, they’ve been wearing stupid party hats and blowing annoying party whistles in your ear all day.
Health: Despite the war being over, Stenda insists that your troops need to maintain a healthy living routine and training programme. You couldn’t agree more, but unfortunately they seem to consider themselves on vacation, and pulling them away from their magazines is more difficult than ever.
Military Communiques
You have received notice that you are being promoted to the rank of Lieutenant First-Class for your exceptional service in the Crystal Range. The ceremony will be taking place today at 1600hrs in the Officer’s Centre.
Personal Notes
Your mother has a birthday gift for you: she’s hired a top-notch tennis pro to be your personal trainer. She’s ‘requested’ that you stop by the family estate when you get a chance to see her and meet this new trainer. While you’re a little reluctant to admit that you need a personal coach, you really would like to be able to whip Jag the next time you play him on the courts.
This is an outrage! Not only have your men been absorbed in their usual manga, but you’ve recently caught several of them reading Sports magazines loaded with pictures of tennis super-star and glamour model Anna Kournikova. What kind of “athlete” puts out a swimsuit calendar?? Clearly, Anna is a disgrace to the name of tennis, and any material having to do with her will be burned on sight.
Your cell-phone hasn’t been working ever since Axen Dredd burned all your monthly minutes back at Front Base. But recently, you’ve been hearing a lot about this Verizon In-Network, which permits free in-network calling with no monthly limits. One way or another, you need to get in on this amazing deal!
Mini-Objective
Report your military success to your mother and receive your birthday gift.
Find a way to get in with Verizon In-Network calling.
Dust – Officer’s Report 14
Recent Duties: After the death of far too many good-hearted Denchulli boyos (and not nearly enough deaths of the bad-hearted ones), the war against the Spherans is finally over. You intend to use the time to relax and catch up on your reading.
Troop Status
Supplies: SIR Rifles, Camouflage Scout Uniforms, Sniper Scopes, a Spheran ‘Highwind’ Light Infantry Rifle, and numerous potatoes. Because just like Sugar Crisp, you can’t get enough of those either.
Morale: The Boyo Scouts are relieved to finally be away from the dangers of the frontlines. Of course, some might argue that the dangers of Electran snootiness, which is quite prevalent here in Electra city, are just as great. Still, as long as they keep to themselves, you doubt anyone will be giving your Boyos any trouble in the Conventionals barracks.
Health: Now that you’re back in the city’s Military Quarters, the cafeteria finally has some variety on the menu. You should hopefully be able to get some good vegetarian meals without relying on Stenda’s power-shakes.
Military Communiques
You have received notice that you are being promoted to the rank of Lieutenant First-Class for your exceptional service in the Crystal Range. The ceremony will be taking place today at 1600hrs in the Officer’s Centre.
Personal Notes
The Republic Military Quarters has an extensive Military Library, one that you intend to make good use of. In fact, you were searching through their online database for material on the Strasveck Rebellion when you came across a book that you just have to get. It’s called A Richer Dust, and the pun value of the title alone makes reading this book a necessity. You’ll have to hurry down to the library and pick it up as soon as you finish enjoying a good vegetarian lunch.
It strikes you as a little odd how Balarai Snowe pulled out one of those crazy new Electran thunder-sabres in the battle with the Dragonsworn. You of course wouldn’t touch one of the things with a ten-foot pole, but you have to wonder where he acquire it.
Mini-Objective
Obtain A Richer Dust from the Electra City Military Library.
Pacci – Officer’s Report 10
Recent Duties: The greatest thing about this war being over is that finally, you’ll be able to play Pac-Man again. Not that you haven’t memorized all three of the levels, but there’s something magical about an old-school joystick and a big flashy arcade machine. Besides that, Pac-Man is a spectator sport as far as you’re concerned, and both the Pac and Bumblebee are eagerly looking forward to seeing your legendary skills in action.
Troop Status
Supplies: PK-33 Handguns, SIR Rifles, Bright Yellow Deluxe Uniforms, and a fashionable European carry-all which now contains several Energeon Cubes, which look rather suspiciously like a bunch of crystals stuffed into a cardboard box.
Morale: You’ve always been one of the coolest guys around, mainly because you’re always down with the in-thing. And now that you’re in a big city, it sure would be cool if members of the Pac could all call one another from anywhere in town. You never know where and when you might find a Pac-Man machine, after all.
Health: Both you and the Pac are on bit of an energy buzz from the prospect of playing Pac-Man again. Bumblebee claims that it may also be a side-effect of carrying around those Energeon cubes.
Military Communiques
You have received notice that you are being promoted to the rank of Lieutenant First-Class for your exceptional service in the Crystal Range. The ceremony will be taking place today at 1600hrs in the Officer’s Centre. Of course, they could have told you this much faster if the military was running on Verizon In-Network.
Personal Notes
Lately, you’ve been hearing all about this Verizon In-Network calling plan. Just like European fashion, it seems to be the latest rage, and everybody is trying to get in to the plan. As a supremely cool guy, you figure there’s no way you can miss out riding this trend. Not only that, but Bumblebee has told you that the plan offers free in-network calling to any other local Verizon customer, with no monthly minutes. You’ve just got to get in on this awesomely cool plan.
It has come to your attention that today is your fellow lieutenant Atobe Keigo’s birthday. Yikes! You sure wish she had told you earlier so you could have done a proper job of shopping for a present. Now you’ll have to find something for her, and fast. Because after all, it wouldn’t be very nice to forget someone’s birthday, now would it?
Mini-Objective
Obtain a birthday gift for Atobe Keigo.
Find a way to get in with Verizon In-Network calling.
The officers were not inactive at this time. Dust, noting where they were heading, smirked to Dijon that he bet that Kilant would be hearing from the Senate. "Indeed, sir," said Dijon, "Kilant will get what is coming to him." The Conventionals, it seemed, did not like seeing the red of the Special Forces raised as flags in all the villages they had passed coming home. They and the Auxiliaries still made up the majority of the force that assaulted the Spherans, and, it could be argued, by far lost the most men. There was, for the moment, at least, a bit of unrest.
Jag, meanwhile, spotted a bunch of Lawyers on the parade route who seemed none too happy that there was competition in town, especially competition whose business was "booming", according to Jag. His law firm, Jag told them, was looking to expand.
Decked out in deluxe bright-yellow uniforms, Pacci and the Pac, now down to
three lives men, made their way along the parade route proud,
if decimated. Then again, since Pacman only had three lives to work with, too,
it seemed somehow appropriate.
Behind him was Jean Reno and the Foreign Legion, absent for the major battles at Velguara. When pressed earlier about this, all they could offer was that they were on their "coffee breaks", and that all they had to drink was "terrible American coffee." The Foreign Legion still had much of their initial strength, and dwarfed the Pac both in terms of scruffiness and being French, though their enthusiasm was not nearly so great.
Next was Snowe and the Avalanche, with Snowe riding shotgun in the dunebuggy, driven by Kupp, and the Avalanche walking leisurely behind, occasionally drinking from flasks.
Pulling up the rear was Atobe Keigo and Seigaku, with Stenda jogging fitly at a slow pace, and the men of the unit being reprimanded for reading their mangas during a semi-formal military event (all the units were still in their battle-dress, caked with dirt and blood).
Finally, the procession arrived at the Senate, greeted by Lady Lorinda and the elderly Chancellor who apparently isn't Yakra, but we'll see about that. The chancellor proclaimed that for his war crimes against Electra, Vygrymm would be executed.
Someone, it seemed, wasn't having any of that. Racing in on a motorbike, his massive handgun at the ready, Axen Dredd pulled up in front of them and informed them in no great detail that he wasn't having any of it, 'cause it was against international law. Jag, though perhaps he secretly wanted otherwise, had to agree with this argument. Dredd told them that the truth could only come out in front of an international court, and that justice was not to be perverted by a summary execution. By this point, he was surrounded by a dozen soldiers pointing republic sabres at him, but he didn't seem to notice. The senators and the chancellor, taken off guard, seemed too stunned to react well, but agreed to postpone the execution for now. And with that, the heroes headed back to the barracks for some deserved R&R.
It was Brock, and he was wheeling in a gigantic three-layer pink birthday cake. When people asked what the occasion was, he replied that was in fact Atobe Keigo's birthday. He cut a slice of cake, and handed it to Keigo, but she seemed to dislike having attention drawn to her birthday, and made a motion to hurl the piece at Brock. Dust, however, having finished his meal, was hungry for dessert. The dextrous Denchuli grabbed the cake out of her hand and shoved the entire piece in his mouth. He tried to tell Brock that it was really good, but his words came out rather muffled. Keigo, enraged that Dust had one-upped her, decided for some one-upping of her own. Grabbing Dust, she hurled him into the birthday cake. All the while, Snowe, who had been hired by Brock as photographer, was taking pictures. Dust pulled himself out of the cake and excused himself, leaving the O.C. The others, it seemed, had ideas of their own, and headed off in a different direction.
Heading over to the recruiting tent, Pacci wanted to see if any more officers like Bumblebee were available. Only the usual suspects (Karl Marx and Barry Seinfeld) were there, though there was another man there: a large man wearing greasy overalls with all manner of wrenches strapped to his waist. He called himself "Mr. Fix-It", and seemed very displeased that Pacci's European was in such terrible shape, berating the poor lieutenant for not taking care of his equipment. With that tirade done, Pacci didn't seem to want to hire him all that much, especially given that his cost was more than Seinfeld and Marx. But there was another officer there: a young woman in a nurse's outfit, who identified herself as "Nurse Joy". Keigo seemed all too happy to hire the bouncy young woman, paying five credits for her services. Her unit would hereafter be (somehow) an even greater target for Brock.
After this, Pacci and Keigo, seeing Jag's cell phone, seemed to want "in" on his wireless plan. Keigo had a phone of her own, but no plan, while Pacci was looking for both a phone and a plan. Jag seemed all too happy to try to get "out", constantly fielding phone calls from some guys who kept yelling, "HEY JAGGGYYYYYYY!!!!". The group tried to find the wireless representative for the barracks, but were unable to, and started wandering around.
Mahmood seemed happy to see Snowe, and told him that the paper work required that the Dunebuggy have a proper inspection. Snowe seemed extremely worried by this, and held up a picture of the dunebuggy, terming it a "partial inspection." Mahmood seemed okay with this, and issued Snowe the paperwork.
Arriving at the Law Division, they went to Jag's room and found, upon thorough inspection, that the book wasn't there. Mattar seemed only too pleased to hear about Jag's "brush with the law", and informed him that in the event of legal action against Jag, he'd be more than happy to take over "the firm." This just strengthened Jag's resolve, and he and Dust headed out.
Eventually, after much asking-around, the two found Dolg sitting on an uneven chair propped up by a copy of "A Richer Dust". Dolg agreed to give it back in exchange for his chair being fixed, and Jag exchanged it with Dust for a promise that the Denchuli would modify a Schmitzer that Jag had bought to turn it from a 4d6-SMG to a 3d6-Pistol. The Denchuli seemed more than happy to do his part to rid the world of automatic fire, and agreed. With that, the two left the Auxiliaries area, and headed back to train their men.
(I can't remember who got what apart from myself, so you'll have to fill me in)
Keigo: Seigaku trained with Stenda and increased their conditioning.
Dust: Training with Kupp got the Boyos better at HW D, but no better at
FA D.
Pacci:
Snowe:
Jag:
Jean Reno:
After this, a number of the officers went out to the Dangerous Goods Weapons, Armour, and Grocery Store to buy Schmitzers, armour, and cookies with their hard-earned marques. Returning with their purchases (Pacci wearing a new suit of chain armour, and Dust with a single-shot-only Schmitzer and wearing Pacci's old strap armour), the officers saw Keigo, head low, being mocked by a fit-looking man wearing a track suit, his black hair pulled into a ponytail.
"What's the matter, big baby? Do you need your diaper changed? Hey, check this girl out. She's not even married, not like Lubosh!"
Keigo, her head still low, walked away with Pacci and Jag joining her. They were still searching for the elusive Verizon wireless representative. As it was, all they found was Funky, who for "fifty bucks", offered to get them "in". Pacci and Keigo, eager to get "in" on this wireless plan, paid Funky the fifty bucks, with Pacci paying an additional fee for a phone. Once Funky came back and announced that they were "in", Keigo's phone rang immediately:
"Keigo, dear, this is your mother. I'm so glad to hear that you're 'in'. Now I can always check up on you, since I'm 'in', too!"
Right afterwards was Pacci's phone:
"Guess what, Jackass! I'm 'in'!"
Chancellor Lorum
Race: Electran
Rank: Senator and Chancellor
Affiliation: Republic of Electra Senate
The elderly, watery-eyed Lorum is a member of the Electran Senate, and voted by his peers as Republic Chancellor, the highest office in the Electran government. However, his health and constitution are notoriously poor, and it's rare that he is able to make public appearances, let alone leave the capital of his nation. It's rumored that is this docile and fragile nature that earned him his office, in the uncertainty and fear following the Strasveck Rebellion.
Lubosh
Race: Arsan
Rank: Tennis Instructor
Affiliation: The House of Atobe
Listen up, you big babies! You only wish you were half as much a man as Lubosh! Or so you would most likely be told were you ever to encounter said-Lubosh. A tall, fit-looking man with a black pony-tail, a blue windbreaker and an indeterminate Slavic accent, Lubosh was hired by Atobe Keigo's mother as the latter's personal tennis instructor. It's also suspected that he is the source of a rather prolific progeny, but after all, what else do you expect when you're married like he is?