Jag – Officer’s Dispatch 22
Heroes: Jag, Zeke, Balarai Snowe, Atobe Keigo, Dust, Pacci, and Jean Reno
Enemies: Mongol Hordes, Colonel Mustard and the Zebra
Recent Duties: You are, quite frankly, in a bit of a legal dilemna. On the one hand, you simply can’t condone breaking a man out of prison for any reason. On the other, bribing a judge (which Jackie Chiles and the Senate surely must have done to defeat your airtight case!!) is the absolute worst travesty of justice imaginable, and that’s without mentioning the Senate’s violation of Kilant’s sentence. Kilant is right about one thing, though; you’ll never make any headway with all of Electra fighting each other, you need to get all the leaders back in one place so that the proper legal action can be taken.
Troop Status
-Supplies: Schmitzer SMGs, Armored Flak Vests, Deluxe Laywers’ suits, Field Medkit, Healing Syringes and briefcases full of legal documents.
-Morale: With the addition of a marathon runner Jean-Paul Jean-Paul to your unit, your lawyers are in high spirits. He can get coffee faster than any man alive, and since he seems to have some kind of aversion to the stuff, he doesn’t even drink any on the way. However, his presence may also be responsible for some undesirable side-effects...
-Health: Your lawyers aren’t used to getting their coffee quite this fast, and as a result have developed a caffeine buzz, making them a little hyperactive. Their systems will likely adjust before too long though.
The Shark Pack is +1 FA Att/Def, but –1 Disc. for this Adventure.
Military Communiques
-Intelligence has it that a Conventionals officer named Colonel Mustard is commanding the defenses of Crescentia. Law Division is quite familiar with this man: he’s been accused of more murder charges than anyone else in the entire military, but the charges have always been thrown out in the end. Still, the fact that such a dubious character is commanding the hostile Conventional forces makes attacking them a little more palpable.
-You’ve been placed in charge of the attack on Crescentia, and you intend to see to it that this one goes by the book. These are your own men you’re fighting after all, and you want to injure as few as possible. This makes neutralizing their leadership your best bet.
-Public opinion was widely in support of your case in the trial of Commander Kilant. As such, your supporters have sent you 4 Military Credits as a gesture of their goodwill.
Personal Notes
-Although Jean-Paul has certainly been helpful to you and your men, his arrival has been a catalyst for the sudden spread of some extremely unprofessional language all throughout the base. Someone has to put a stop to this bastardization of the Electran language, and you’re the only man for the job.
Mini-Objective
-Put a stop to the thoroughly unprofessional, bastardized language being used on the base.
Balarai Snowe – Officer’s Report 21
Recent Duties:With the Megamen disqualified from the games for their illegal use of cybernetics (which apparently doesn’t show up in bloodtests, unlike fake drugs), you can finally breathe a little easier. At the very least, you won’t have to be glancing over your shoulder for the Khan’s men. Or rather, you will, since you’re all the Khan’s men, but hopefully this time they won’t be trying to kill you.
Troop Status
-Supplies: Heavy Field Mortars, 2 Remote Mines, Gortex winter parkas and snowshoes, a ‘dangerous’ dunebuggy which is not nearly as dangerous as your own employer and a life-size statue of a Denchulli ‘Brave’.
-Morale: You’re still not really sure how morale in general is, but you’ve gotten the distinct impression that at least a couple of the boys aren’t too happy to see you back. Re-asserting your authority after your sudden disappearance may be a bit of a tricky matter.
-Health: Thankfully, you’ve appeased the Khan and are still alive, but you’re a little worried about the Chief’s health. He might have to cut back on that peace-pipe of his; first of all, it’s bad for your health, and second, you don’t think the stuff he’s smoking is Llama…
Military Communiques
-Genghis Khan has arranged for the Auxiliaries forces assaulting Crescentia to take the Southwest portion of the city. Once you’ve breached the city’s defenses, he’s instructed you to meet up with an officer of his who is already on the inside, where you will receive further instructions. You weren’t aware there were Auxiliaries already in the city, but you’d better stick with the plan for now you don't want to make the Khan angry again.
Personal Notes
-This is outrageous! During your absence, one of your own men – one of the newer fellows, you gather – has risen up and taken control of the Avalanche. You thought you’d taken care of this sort of thing when you got rid of Jack Frost, but apparently not. You’ve got to find this usurper and regain authority over your own troops.
-You’ve tried to get the straight story on your men from Fats, but the one time you were able to sneak up in alone, he spent all his time just calling you a bastard. You just can’t believe how much your men seem to have lost respect for the guy who gave them so much all this time!
Mini-Objective
-Confront your usurper and regain leadership over the Avalanche.
Zeke – Officer’s Report 20
Recent Duties: You should have known that hanging out with all those otaku kids could only end in trouble. After all, it’s not the size that matters, but the ferocity. Now, your stylin’ outfit is in ruins, and with it, your whole sense of katra too. Oh well, surely a man with your business sense and multiple viewings of the Wrath of Khan can get himself back on track.
Troop Status
-Supplies: Hacksaw Shotguns, Biker Helms, Steel Breastplates, brand new leather Wheel jackets, Zeke’s Tent of Horrors, multiple watches, Delta Mark IV motorcycles!! a wooden walking stick, a floppy fur hat, and a badly shredded Technicolor Dreamcoat.
-Morale: Your men aren’t all too happy about being called into action once again, but they’ve seen the Wrath of Khan too many times to even think about going against the Auxiliaries supreme commander’s orders.
-Health: The Wheel is in good health and your equipment has never been better maintained. Even your shotguns seem to have been polished and cleaned out, and you can bet they’re not going to jam on the first shot THIS time.
Military Communiques
-Genghis Khan has arranged for the Auxiliaries forces assaulting Crescentia to take the Southwest portion of the city. Once you’ve breached the city’s defenses, he’s instructed you to meet up with an officer of his who is already on the inside, where you will receive further instructions. You weren’t aware there were Auxiliaries already in the city, but you have no intention of questioning any orders that come straight from the Khan.
Personal Notes
-Naturally, Lt. Phil and his wife are extremely upset about the now-deplorable state of your Technicolor Dreamcoat. You have to admit, it’s certainly not good for your reputation, and the fact that it apparently belongs to none other than international super-babe Farrah Fawcett only makes things worse. Surely there’s got to be a way you can pass off the blame for what happened to the coat and prove yourself the ‘innocent victim’ that you are.
-Just as you feared, Phil has been pestering you to sit on the board for his new Fredo Foundation, seeing as you were the one who inspired it. His claims that it can work around your schedule – evenings, weekends, whenever you have free time – haven’t done much to convince you. Few people are as good at getting out of work as you are, and you intend to find a way to keep yourself out of this.
Mini-Objective
-Find a way to pass off the blame for the destruction of the Technicolor Dreamcoat.
-Avoid being roped into serving on the board of the Fredo Foundation.
Atobe Keigo – Officer’s Report 21
Recent Duties: Every now and then, your boys seem to need a little reminder who their REAL leader is, and in particular, that it isn’t that shifty Zeke. Fortunately, even all his silly karate and references to Star Trek movies were no match for the Moon Princess. Now you’re off to prove once and for all that the Conventionals aren’t either.
Troop Status
-Supplies: FLAME-THROWERS, crimson uniforms, kamikaze headbands, LUBOSH, your personal tennis trainer (sadly, seemingly indefinitely), and Crimson Armor of the Republic.
-Morale: Seigaku is a little disillusioned by the fact that their karate ‘class champion’ seems to have been little more than a sham. A few of them have also been grumbling about how you seem to be responsible for getting them kicked out of the party before they could get kisses from Farrah Fawcett. This has put them in a rather sour mood which perhaps you had best address before it gets any worse.
-Health: Your men profess to be in great shape from all their karate training, but you’re a little dubious of any so-called ‘training’ that might have involved Zeke in any way.
Military Communiques
-You’re a little upset about that lawyer Jag being placed in charge of this upcoming assault. After all, as he’s pointed out himself many times, he’s not really Special Forces – he’s Law Division. Therefore, as ranking Special Forces officer, you don’t see why you shouldn’t be in charge.
-If your nemesis Senator Lorinda really is hiding out in Crescentia, you can’t wait to get there and give her what she deserves. It may not be fighting Spherans, but taking her down has got to be the next best thing.
Personal Notes
-Your mother has been complaining recently about the loss of her favorite floppy white fur hat, which has apparently been missing for two days. Strangely enough, you believe you’ve seen Zeke wearing exactly such a hat. Not only has your mother been pestering you to find it for her, but there’s also no way a miscreant like him deserves anything that once belonged to the Atobe family.
-On a suspiciously similar note, your mother has been calling you incessantly about your recent activities; in particular, about how you’ve allegedly been sighted by the police in the company of a suspected pimp. You get the feeling that this note and the previous one may somehow be related....
Mini-Objective
-Retrieve your mother’s floppy white fur hat.
Dust – Officer’s Report 20
Recent Duties: As far as you’re concerned, your party was a smashing success – even though there are those who might hesitate to call it ‘yours’ anymore. Nevertheless, you got your Farrah Fawcett kiss, and that’s all that matters. Unfortunately, events since that time haven’t been nearly so much to your liking, and you find yourself now to be in a decidedly precarious position...
Troop Status
-Supplies: SIR Rifles, Camouflage Scout Uniforms, Sniper Scopes, and Climbing Spikes. Unfortunately, all your remaining hops of Charlie Mops’ appear to have been used up in the big party Unsurprisingly, they were more popular than Steveweiser.
-Morale: The Boyo Scouts are not at all thrilled about the orders to march against their own Conventionals. Neither is Sgt. Dijon for that matter. In fact, the only ones who seem okay with the situation are Lt. Surge, who can’t figure out what nationality he is anyway, and Seamus, to whom the prospect of attacking your own division no doubt greatly appeals.
-Health: Your Boyos have mostly recovered from their hangovers from the big party, but not nearly so much from the noise of all that rioting last night.
Military Communiques
-You’ve heard through Conventionals channels that you may be up for quite a fight in Crescentia – the commander of the defenses there is none other than the famous officer, Colonel Mustard. There’s no telling what a man with his reputation might do, and it would also probably be best if Dijon sat this one out.
Personal Notes
-What are you to do?? Despite Zeke’s promises to take good care of it, the Technicolor Dreamcoat belonging to Farrah Fawcett is in ruins! You can only imagine she’ll be awfully upset about this if she finds out. There’s only one choice – you’ll have to find a way to make it up to her, no matter what it takes.
-In spite of your professed lack of money, Phil has been pestering you incessantly for donations for his so-called ‘Fredo Foundation.’ Personally, the last thing you want to do is remember that bird. You’d love to pistol whip the idiot responsible for this bird-brained idea.
-Not only is Seamus a dangerous man, but he’s been calling you names behind your back! Just this morning, O’Malley timidly informed you that he’d been talking you up as some kind of bastard. There’s certainly no call for such unprofessional talk.
Mini-Objective
-Somehow find a way to replace or make other suitable reparations to Farrah for the Technicolor Dreamcoat.
-Pistol-whip the one responsible for Phil coming up with the ‘Fredo Foundation.’
Pacci – Officer’s Report 13
Recent Duties: You’re confused!! Not that this is anything out of the ordinary, but this time, there’s a lot of things to be confused about. You knew that the Spherans were the bad guys, but why are you attacking your own troops all of a sudden? And what was with breaking into that house last night? And finally, why is Kareem Abdul Jibbar pretending to be a pilot for the RAF? These are an awful lot of questions for a guy who’s used to the complexity of just three 2-dimensional levels.
Troop Status
-Supplies: PK-33 Handguns, SIR Rifles, Bright Yellow Deluxe Uniforms, and a fashionable European carry-all which now contains several Energeon Cubes, a Verizon wireless cell-phone, and an amazing vintage Pacman arcade machine.
-Morale: The Pac is as confused as you are about what’s been going on lately. Steven, on the other hand, doesn’t seem upset at all (or rather, he does, but only in the way that he always does); he claims that those tight-ass, geriatric Conventionals have been sticking it to him for too long, and it’s time someone put the Stone Cold smack-down on them.
-Health: The Pac is fine, but you’re a little concerned about leaving the Pacman machine here at the base without supervision Bumblebee has stacked your Energeon cubes next to it in case the power goes out, but frankly you’re not convinced it will do any good.
Military Communiques
-You always find listening to your radio confusing, but you have heard that the Conventionals officer in charge of the place you’ll be attacking is named Colonel Mustard. You vaguely remember hearing that this man is suspected of several murders of all things! But then again, you’re told he always wears yellow, so he can’t be too bad a guy, can he?
Personal Notes
-Not only are you confused about what’s going on with the war situation, but you’re even more baffled by the disappearance of the mad scientist, Dr. Wily. You really wanted to get in on that Bubble Lead business! Especially given all your upcoming battles, you’ve got a feeling that Bubble Lead could certainly come in very handy.
-The language of some of the people around this base is really getting rather impolite! While Stone Cold has always been a tad belligerent, this morning he had the nerve to call you a bastard! That’s not very nice, you know very well who your parents are (Mr. and Mrs. Pacman, of course!)
Mini-Objective
-Get equipped with Bubble Lead.
Jean Reno – Professional’s Report 5
Recent Duties: To you, mon ami, it seems that every day this base just gets less and less professional. And quite frankly, Momo’s arrival and his dubious handling of large quantities of explosives hasn’t done much to improve this situation. It has, on the other hand, brought a great deal of such weapons into your hands, and that’s something you could almost drink to, if only this Electran coffee wasn’t so terrible.
Troop Status
-Supplies: RD-22 Rifles, Combat Daggers, full supplies of ammunition and rations, and an indeterminate amount of grenades and explosives carried by Momo.
-Morale: Already, your men have taken quite a liking to their new sergeant, Momo, in spite (or perhaps because of) his role in destroying the coffee house. Being foreign, they also have no qualms about the orders to march on their own men.
-Health: Fortunately, your men managed to survive the explosion of the coffee house basically unscathed. You always did tell Momo to be more careful about those grenade pins.
Military Communiques
-Genghis Khan has arranged for the Auxiliaries forces assaulting Crescentia to take the Southwest portion of the city. Once you’ve breached the city’s defenses, he’s instructed you to meet up with an officer of his who is already on the inside, where you will receive further instructions. The other Auxiliaries don’t seem to quite know what’s going on with this, but Momo has given you something of an indication.
Personal Notes
-Unlike his method of arrival, your old friend Momo’s purpose in coming here was no accident. Like you (or at least, like you in one of your many roles), he is a former secret agent and police officer, and he’s just learned that one of your old enemies, a “gros bandit” by the name of the Zebra, is planning a heist in the nearby affluent community of Crescentia. What’s more, this man is acting in collaboration with Auxiliaries commander Genghis Khan. As a true professional and former cop, there’s no way you can let this event occur – you intend for that money to go to the daughter that you don’t have (but someday might).
Mini-Objective
-Discover the Zebra’s plans and put a stop to them through any means necessary.
So with the access codes gained, and the senator and his daughter dead, the heroes quickly make their way back to the military base. The codes are passed off, and by the time they arrive back at the base, the heroes are summoned to a meeting with the formerly imprisoned Commander Kilant.
The senators have fled, Kilant tells them, and the senate house is now empty. Some of the senators are holed up in the city of Crescentia; Gol Draam is known to be in Ellivia. Two groups will be sent, he says, each to a different part of Crescentia, where the senators are. And as soon as he says this, a hush falls upon the room as a regal bearded man in gilded oriental robes enters the room. Zeke and Snowe instantly fall to their knees, and Dust, now realizing who this is, follows suit. The others stay up. The man is, of course, none other than the commander of the Auxillaries, Ghenghis Khan.
The Khan smiles briefly at Kilant, telling him that he studied his massacre at Stratholme. It was, says the man, exhilarating, and he looks forward to pitting his armies against the Conventionals with Kilant as in a game of chess. He tells Kilant that his three units of Auxillaries, led by 1st Lts. Zeke and Balarai Snowe, will lead the first wave against Crescentia. Kilant nods, and replies that the second assault will have the units of the other junior officers in the room, and will be led by 1st Lt. Jag. Keigo seems outraged at being one-upped in leadership by Jag, though Dust just seems apprehensive, remembering how his unit was eviscerated the last time Jag was in charge. Regardless, quibbling on this could well lead to demotions, so the Denchuli keeps his mouth shut.
Kilant dismissed the lieutenants, telling them that they would march in three hours' time. In the meantime, he said, they were free to do what they will. Keigo, seizing the opportunity, feels obliged to reply with the hip new lingo of the base, calling Jag a bastard, as does Mattar, and others. Jag, under fire, replies that such language is unprofessional, and vows to put a stop to it. In the meantime, he says, could not another phrase suffice? After a lot of bizarre mental processes, the term "komrade pak-man" is suggested for its friendly communist leanings. Pacci seems pleased as punch with this suggestion, though others aren't quite as sure. Still, with no other popular terms, and "bastard" considered uncouth, it would have to do. During this, Zeke manages to delegate the responsibility of fixing the technicolour dreamcoat to Keigo, thus appeasing Dust for the time being.
Feeling pleased with the turn of phrases, Pacci makes his way toward the light vehicle hangar with Sgt. Bumblebee. However, as he makes his way inside, the back door slams down, cutting off Pacci from Bumblebee, and bringing the 1st Lt. face to face with none other than Bubbleman! The two fight, with Pacci attempting to avoid Bubble Lead, as well as attack with shield-punches and fruit. In the end, Bubbleman falls, his body exploding into bright balls of light that infuse themselves into Pacci before he could even say a word of protest. But because of this, Pacci gets equipped with Bubble Lead.
Back at the coffeehouse, Jean Reno is not enjoying a cup of terrible Electran coffee. But without warning, a car plows through the front of the coffeehouse, and Momo jumps out. Reno and Momo run out of the coffeehouse before the car explodes, leaving just the charred remains of the establishment (of which Reno can only approve).
Meanwhile, Balarai Snowe is feeling pretty good about himself. He seemed to be back in the Khan's good book, which means that he can go about trying to bring his unit back in line. Going to look for them, he indeed finds the Avalanche, but also finds the situation less than favourable, looking down the barrels of a couple dozen pistols. Snowe asks to be taken to the man in charge, and the Avalanche take him back to their tent, where he finds none other than the Evil Baron Waldorf, whom he must have hired earlier as "Pvt. Wally". Snowe tries to reason with Waldorf, telling him that he'll give him a field promotion to Sargeant, but Waldorf will have none of that. In the end, the Electran manages to convince the Evil Baron to make him 1st Lt. of the Avalanche, so that the Evil Baron can remain out of the fighting. Waldorf seems to like this plan, and Snowe regains control of the Avalanche, though without the services of yet another private.
Zeke, on the other hand, has more pressing problems: a number of looted televisions. Making his way back into town, he finds an electronics shop across the street from the store he looted the televisions from, and sells them. Meanwhile, Dust heads over to the Special Forces section to talk to Lt. Phil, as the Denchuli seems keen to find out who started this whole "Fredo Foundation" nonsense. Phil doesn't seem too happy to see Dust, though he once again tries to get him to serve as chair of the board, a position the Denchuli refuses. He does find out, however, that Zeke is the one behind all these shenanigans, and waits for him patiently at the gates. When the grubby man arrives a short while later, Dust accosts him, demanding the reason for The Fredo Foundation. When no real reason is given, Dust becomes angry, pistol whips Zeke, and walks away.
While this occurs, Snowe leaves the tent and he and his Auxillaries see a large sign of a smoking man puffing out smoke rings that reads, "It is 'barbarians, not 'bastards'." The dead body of a Mongol warrior is hanging by the neck next to the sign. While the sign may just have been the work of Jag working to eradicate "bastard" from the base's vocabulary, the Avalanche takes no such gamble, and bows before the Khan-like sign.
With just a little bit of time left, the heroes did some shopping. Pacci borrows money from a number of the other lieutenants and quadruples the size of the Pac.
After that, it is time to go. The group splits up into two parties and heads towards their dual targets. In the first group is The Foreign Legion, the Avalanche, and the Wheel, along with some peripheral units. Near the first road into Crescentia is a few units of Conventionals: mortarmen, shock troops, guardsmen, and juggernauts.
The battle is decidedly one-sided. The Conventionals troops are strongly outmatched, and lose seven men for every one they kill. After seven rough rounds of combat, they retreat back into the city.
Chased into the forest, the Special Forces and Conventionals make a stand against the sabre-wielding Mongols that come charging in. They cut down several, but are about to be overrun when a rather disreputable character shows his face again by swinging into view from a nearby tree: Smithie; Captain Smithie, if you please. He declares that rum runners used to use this area for storing rum caches and, he coughs, certain other things desired by the rich of Electra City. After walking around for a second, he locates a trap door, and pulls it up. Just after the last of the heroes and their units pile in, he slams the door, keeping the Mongols out.
Genghis Khan
Race: Lorician
Rank: Auxiliaries Supreme Commander
Affiliation: Republic Military, Auxiliaries Division (??)
Perhaps the most feared man in all the Republic military is none other than Supreme Commander Genghis Khan. A bearded, oriental man in splendid gilded robes, he is said to be a true barbarian whose military tactics are swift, vicious and sudden. However, while the loyalty he commands from his men is unquestionable, his own loyalty to the Electran Republic is not...
Momo
Race: Chalchakian
Rank: Sergeant
Affiliation: Republic Military, Auxiliaries Division
Momo is a short, incompetent-looking man in a black leather jacket, who has a strange knack for acquiring all sorts of heavy weapons. He is even more renowned for not being careful with the pins of such weapons, resulting in massive explosions wherever he goes. He is apparently an old crime-busting buddy of Jean Reno's and now serves under the bitter frenchman in his Foreign Legion.
Colonel Mustard
Race: Electran
Rank: Colonel
Affiliation: Republic Military, Conventionals
Colonel Mustard is an older gentleman with a monocle, a mustard-yellow uniform and a whole slew of suspected murder weapons. In fact, the man has a staggering number of murder accusations on his record, though none have managed to stick. He is also, not surprisingly, the father of Sgt. Dijon, who serves in Dust's Boyo Scouts.