Jag – Officer’s Dispatch 25
Heroes: Jag, Balarai Snowe, Zeke, Atobe Keigo, Dust, Pacci, and Lord Flash
Enemies: Pirate Lingo, Sgt. Slaughter, Varin, Senator Lorinda, and Arch Hall Sr.
Recent Duties: Despite Major Xelme’s timely arrival, you still like to claim credit for your lawfirm for the successful capture of the Senator Lamika. And you also knew along that that so-called ‘Smith’ character could never be trusted. As far as you’re concerned, this is just more proof that everyone needs a lawyer’s advice more often, and that lawyer is Jag.
Troop Status
-Supplies: Schmitzer SMGs, Armored Flak Vests, Deluxe Laywers’ suits, and briefcases full of legal documents.
-Morale: That Smithie fellow was a bad seed, and you and your lawyers are glad to see him gone. However, it seems that perhaps his legacy is not, much to your dismay. Your own sergeant Jean-Paul Jean-Paul has been running out shouting “Avast, ye matey!” to everyone in sight. What kind of ridiculous talk is that?
-Health: The Shark Pack is in fine health, and hungrier for blood than any so-called ‘vampire’ could ever be.
Military Communiques
-Although Senator Lamika is now in your custody, your main objective still remains the capture of the Chancellor and his daughter. As soon as you do that, you can get out of this embattled town once and for all.
-You’ve expressed your opinion to Maj. Xelme that Lt. Atobe Keigo may not be entirely reliable, given her frequent close proximity to ‘Captain’ Smith. The Major has agreed with you that it would probably be for the best if she did not participate in any major operations for the duration of the battle in this theater.
Personal Notes
-The ravages of war always lay heavy on the civilian population, and while you and your lawyers are more than ready to fight on the people’s behalf for money for medical bills, lost wages, pain and suffering, sometimes more is needed. In particular in Crescentia, with so many homes destroyed and mysteriously burned to the ground, the homeless are starting to become a major problem. If left unchecked, they will eventually turn to street crime and become a serious problem for Electran society. Clearly, this problem needs to be headed off before that occurs.
-This is absolutely outrageous! Everyone in Crescentia, many of your fellow soldiers included, suddenly seem to think they are pirates of some sort or another! They seem to think that pirate-talk is all fun and games, but don’t they realize that real pirates are vicious killers and murderers? Someone has got to put a stop to this, and as usual, you’re the man for the job.
-In spite of your numerous interrogation and plea-bargain attempts, Senator Lamika continues to refuse to cooperate. Then again, you suppose you shouldn’t expect anyone who thinks she’s a vampire to act rationally.
Mini-Objective
-Obtain as many donations as possible for the homeless of Crescentia.
-Vocally condemn any act of piracy in a dry and boring manner.
Balarai Snowe – Officer’s Report 24
Recent Duties:Appeasing your many evil masters is a difficult task that sometimes tries even your patience. Hopefully, however, you should have enough goods to keep them off your back for now. It’s a tough job, being you, and really more people should appreciate that.
Troop Status
-Supplies: Bombardier Field Artillery, 2 Remote Mines, Gortex winter parkas and snowshoes, a ‘dangerous’ dunebuggy, a life-size statue of a Denchulli ‘Brave,’ several crates of armor, artwork and swishy clothing, and a paper that appears to be the property deed to Arch Hall Jr.’s manor.
-Morale: Your men are quite pleased to be holed up in their own hideout again, and apparently taken it as a license to do absolutely no work. Apparently, in his abrupt departure, Smithie left a sizeable quantity of rum behind, which Fats Dynamo has seized for himself. He keeps threatening to ‘broadside’ any ‘landlubbers’ who dare come near it without his permission.
-Health: Having done virtually nothing but eat and drink for the past little while, your men are bloated beyond belief and drunk out of their minds. Picking themselves off the floor requires major effort, let alone picking up anything else.
The Avalanche is at –1 Condition until further notice.
Military Communiques
-You’ve heard that Majors Xelme and Brindon have arrived in town with their reinforcements. Hopefully, that means the Chancellor will be found soon and you can get out of here. You’ve contacted Xelme to make your excuses about not being around, but the iron-backed Major isn’t nearly as easy-going as Kilant. It’s going to take quite the bit of sweet-talking to get back into her good books (err, if you were ever in them to begin with).
-Fortunately, you’ve heard no more word from the Evil Baron, and you hope that it stays that way.
Personal Notes
-It has just come to your attention that today is in fact a major holiday: International Talk Like a Pirate Day!! This has all your men calling each other scalliwags and as best you can tell, the civilians are at it too.
-Your looting efforts have gone reasonably well, but sometimes mistakes are made. In addition to all the armor and artwork acquired from the Arch Hall manor, you seem to have also acquired a box full of white, puffy shirts. These are of no value to the Evil Baron Waldorf, but you’ve thought of a way to profit from them. All you need to do is convince someone reasonably famous to wear one and then sell them as a new fashion trend. And who better to be your model than Jag? Not only is he a famous lawyer and tennis player, but it’s also the perfect revenge for him shooting up your dune-buggy. He’ll look like an absolute idiot in one of these things!
-Speaking of swag and booty (Arrr!!), it seems that the property deeds to Arch Hall Jr.’s manor were plundered along with the other items that Pacci and the Pac brought you. Surely these would be worth something to someone…
-Dorn has yet to return from his quest to find Senator Lorinda. This has you a little worried, since you were planning on him being your main ammunition to keep your troops in line.
-The upstanding Mr. Green has approached you about your earlier proposition to take out Arch Hall Sr.. He’s apparently willing to pay you quite handsomely to see to it that this occurs, so long as it can’t be traced back to him. Given his ugliness, you’d have taken out Hall Sr. for free, but you’re never one to turn down a little bonus cash.
Mini-Objective
-Convince Jag to wear the puffy shirt in public.
-Take down Arch Hall Sr. on Mr. Green’s behalf.
Zeke – Officer’s Report 21
Recent Duties: The last few days have proven to be good business for the Wheel. Posing as some kind of roving biker gang, you’ve been roaming the streets of swanky Crescentia and pillaging what you could from the outlying houses and manors. Of course, there’s been competition in the form of various street thugs and looters, but your superior firepower and military training gives you quite an edge over them. However, a variety of events have combined to make you think that it’s about time you checked in with your ‘fellow’ Republic forces to see how they’ve been getting on in your absence.
Troop Status
-Supplies: Hacksaw Shotguns, Biker Helms, Steel Breastplates, brand new leather Wheel jackets, Zeke’s Tent of Horrors, multiple watches, Delta Mark IV motorcycles!! and a wooden walking stick.
-Morale: The Wheel is in high spirits with the various random goods they’ve obtained from pillaging the city’s suburbs. Even Desrae seems satisfied, claiming that she’s finally getting the ‘bonus pay’ she’s deserved all along. Only Mr. Fixit seems upset, namely at the deplorable state most of the city’s buildings are in, but that’s nothing out of the ordinary.
-Health: Your men’s health is just fine, since they’ve managed to avoid all the major fighting so far.
Military Communiques
-You’re not completely sure what the Republic forces have been up to all this time, but you have gotten wind that Special Forces Major Xelme has arrived in the city and has taken command. This is a major factor behind your decision to ‘check in’ – she’s got some heavy duty bombs, and you don’t want them used on you for desertion. Well, that, and the fact that the city’s outskirts have been all but pillaged dry at this point, and pickings are increasingly slim.
Personal Notes
-Having been out in the streets with the locals, you’ve discovered that today is in fact a major holiday – International Talk Like a Pirate Day! Needless to say, this has you and your ‘scurvy dawgs’ extremely excited, and such a fine holiday is sure to keep their morale in good order. You’re always up for a good party after all, and as you know from your experience with the Technicolor Dreamcoat, a good party needs a good costume. Surely, there’s got to be some good pirate paraphernelia around so that you can get in the spirit of this fine holiday.
Mini-Objective
-Talk like a Pirate as much as possible throughout the day.
-Obtain a full Pirate’s outfit consisting of the following items:
Pirate Hat, Eyepatch, Puffy Shirt, Rum, Parrot
Atobe Keigo – Officer’s Report 24
Recent Duties: It’s going to take a lot more than vampires and scary uniforms to protect the Senate of your fiery wrath. You never did much like that Senator Lamika, and now she has an idea of what it’s like to have her house disgraced. The House of Lee has fallen, but there’s still one left to go, and that’s one scurvy wench you won’t let escape.
Troop Status
-Supplies: FLAME-THROWERS, crimson uniforms, kamikaze headbands, LUBOSH, your personal tennis trainer (sadly, seemingly indefinitely), Crimson Armor of the Republic, and a rather large pirate hat apparently left as a gift by Smithie.
-Morale: You don’t know if it’s Smithie’s legacy, but your boys seem filled with sea-worthy gusto, running about shouting “Arrr!” and “Avast!” at every opportunity. You prefer to attribute their fierce spirits to your numerous pep-talks about how the evil shadowy mastermind of the Senate is about to be brought to justice once and for all. Regardless of the reason, there’s no doubt that Seigaku is ready to fight like never before to burninate the enemies of the Special Forces and of House Atobe!
Seigaku is at +1 Morale and +1 to All Att/Def rolls until Lorinda is defeated.
-Health: Although Jag claiming to have the authority to stick your boys in the cooler is still outrageous, it does seem to have been successful in drying them out. Well, that and the fact that Smith and his rum have disappeared.
Military Communiques
-Capturing Lamika is good progress, but as far as you’re concerned, the main villain remains at large. Lorinda and her sickly father are still out there somewhere, and you won’t rest until they’ve been found and defeated.
Personal Notes
-Apparently, Smith finally came through on that big hat he promised you so many times. You’ve found a rather large black pirate hat that he apparently left behind. Unfortunately, it’s even too big for you, and keeps slipping over your eyes in a ridiculous manner whenever you try to wear it.
-What is it with all this pirate paraphernelia of late? Just this morning, you saw young Echizen playing with an old flintlock pistol. That boy’s going to shoot himself if he’s not careful!!
Mini-Objective
-Find and defeat Senator Lorinda.
Dust – Officer’s Report 23
Recent Duties: While you have second thoughts about fighting Conventionals soldiers, fighting ghosts and vampires is something you have absolutley no problem with. You don’t know what a Senator is doing acting like a vampire, but it definitely wasn’t good for the Boyos sleeping habits.
Troop Status
-Supplies: SIR Rifles, Camouflage Scout Uniforms, Sniper Scopes, Field Mortars, and Climbing Spikes. Unfortunately, all your remaining hops of Charlie Mops’ appear to have been used up in the big party Unsurprisingly, they were more popular than Steveweiser.
-Morale: The Boyos have been sleeping significantly better now that both Richan and the vampire-Senator have been taken care of. That spectral cat that attacked O’Malley must have been one of her guardians! You certainly don’t need any more of that blarney around here.
-Health: The Boyos are perhaps a little hungry, since they were afraid to ask Fats and the Avalanche for any food. But fortunately, this latter group seems to have disappeared from the kitchen, which should allow for this situation to be rectified.
Military Communiques
-None.
Personal Notes
-In your continuing position as chairman of the Fredo Foundation, you’ve asked Phil’s wife to sew up some stuffed parrots as “Fredo Momentos.” What she doesn’t know, of course, is that they are really going to be the mascots for your new restaurant chain.
-Avast, ye matey! It has come to your attention that today is none other than International Talk Like a Pirate Day! While you do come from a nice peaceful farm-life, you know that there’s in fact a history of wreckers in your family, pillaging crashed Electran ships, and that’s reason enough to celebrate this holiday. It’s just too bad you don’t have your old antique flintlock pistol from back home. Oh well, there’s got to be a substitute for it around here somewhere...
Mini-Objective
-Obtain an old flintlock pistol for nostalgia’s sake
-Celebrate International Talk Like a Pirate Day by talking like a pirate as much as possible.
Pacci – Officer’s Report 16
Recent Duties: Pac-pac-pac!! You’re always for taking care of ghosts, and so getting rid of those ghostly Senator and her cronies was a worthwhile pursuit in your opinion. Of course, this isn’t nearly as important as the defeat of another of Dr. Wily’s evil robots. Get equipped with Air Shooter!! Whooshh!!!
Troop Status
-Supplies: PK-33 Handguns, SIR Rifles, Bright Yellow Deluxe Uniforms, and a fashionable European carry-all which now contains several Energeon Cubes, a Verizon wireless cell-phone, and an amazing vintage Pacman arcade machine.
-Morale: The Pac is happy that you defeated another of Dr. Wily’s robots, and despite the protests of the lawyers, isn’t too concerned about running around collecting random items from the city for Snowe’s men. After all, they’re quite used to the idea of picking up arbitrary objects in exchange for ‘points.’ Unfortunately, this has however resulted in some minor injuries…
-Health: Although the Pac’s appetite, like your own, can never be entirley sated, the sandwiches obtained from the Avalanche were certainly most welcome. You can’t be fighting ghosts and vampires on an empty stomach, after all!
Military Communiques
-None.
Personal Notes
-You don’t know what’s going on (as per usual), but all sorts of people have started talking like pirates. The Pac has tried their best to join in with this trendy new craze, but whenever they try for an “Arrr!” or some such, they inevitably just end up saying “Paac!!” or “Wakka-wakka!”
-If Professor Plum is correct, with Airman defeated, that just leaves one more evil Wily-robot at large in the city of Crescentia - Quickman. There’s no telling where he could be hiding though, hopefully you’ll find some clues to guide you on the way.
-That sure was mean of that Keigo – or ‘Vicky’ as some seem to call her – to pretend that Heatman was at large in the city. Sightings of Dr. Wily robots are no laughing matter!
-Although your troops got through the fighting relatively unharmed, such was not the case for the ‘relocation’ for the city’s valuables. Apparently, Bumblebee ended up looking directly at Arch Hall Jr. and is suffering temporary blindness in one eye from the ugliness. He’s taken to wearing a ice-pack and eyepatch over his injured optical receptor in hopes of recovering.
Mini-Objective
-Locate and defeat Quickman, the last Wily robot in the city.
Lord Flash – Officer’s Report 4
Recent Duties: A lot has happened since the organization of your amazingly successful super-party. Unfortunately, you were unable to attend yourself, having been caught up in an impromptu appointment with your own mirror. Why, if you were anyone else, you might have forgotten how good you look. WAAAFF! During this time, it seems like Kilant and his ‘Special Forces’ have taken control of the capital, and it took some amount of doing to convince them that you’re not really part of the Conventionals, you’re really a one-man army! They finally agreed to service you with a plane and allow you to lead the ‘aerial surveillance’ unit being dispatched to the city of Crescentia, where several female Senators are suspected to be hiding out. Well, this is one rescue they’re guaranteed to love!
Military Communiques
-You’ve been issued 18 Military Credits with which to prepare your aircraft. You’re elated to finally have your own plane, rather than having to steal that tacky red one the baron had.
-Your official job in being dispatched to Crescentia is to provide aerial surveillance in looking for the Senators. Of course, you plan on providing them with a whole lot of FLASH as well!!
Personal Notes
-You’ve heard on the radio of your new plane that today is in fact International Talk Like a Pirate Day, a major Electran holiday! You have to admit, there’s something manly and dashing about pirate talk, and there’s no such thing as manly and dashing without Flash. You intend to be the swashbuckling star of this holiday, much like you are of everything else.
-To act like a pirate, though, you need to dress like one, and naturally Flash is always the best-dressed guy around. This means you absolutely have to find a way to acquire one of those puffy white pirate shirts. People will be shouting out “Yo ho ho Captain!” at the mere sight of you with one of those.
-It’s come to your attention that the main goal of the Republic forces in Crescentia is to capture three of the Senators who fled there. One’s an old man and not important, but the other two, Lamika and Lorinda, are eligible young ladies, the kind that surely can’t resist what Flash has to offer. Then again, is there really any other kind?
Mini-Objective
-Obtain and wear a puffy white pirate shirt.
-Dramatically swing in on a rope to as many different locales as possible.
The adventure opens in the dining hall of the Boddy manor, with Jag, Snowe, Dust, Keigo, Pacci, and Lord Flash at the table. But suddenly, the calm is broken by the sound of a revved up motorcycle engine, and 1st Lt. Zeke rides into the room, talking like a pirate. Dust follows his cue, and Jag has soon declared that the only "scurvy seadogs" in the area are the ones assaulting the Electran language. Dust pays no heed to this, declares that he is off in search of "grub and booty", and heads towards the kitchen now vacated by Balarai Snowe's men. Zeke, ever in the mood for a meal, decides to follow.
The two men enter the kitchen to find that a large number of Pacmen, led by Pacci, have already laid claim to it, taking as much food as they can carry. Dust manages to convince them to give him a pail of pickles and a jumbo jar of mustard, and after taking a knife and fork, he heads off to the conservatory.
Zeke, on the other hand, notices an eyepatch on Bumblebee, and manages to get it in exchange for a couple of curative steaks. No longer just talking like a pirate, Zeke now has at least one piece of the costume.
Heading up to the conservatory, Dust drops off the pickles to the Boyos, and the mustard and a spoon to Dijon. He asks them if anyone's seen a flintlock around, as he's been looking for one for a while, and wants a souvenir of his time on Electra when he finally heads back to Denchul. But none of them have found one, and he then returns downstairs to the dining hall.
Jag, meanwhile, is attempting to get everyone he can to donate to some charity he dubs "The Human Fund", meant to help the poor and those displaced by fighting in the city of Crescentia. Snowe had somehow obtained a deed to Arch Hall, Sr.'s manor in the centre of the city, and offers to loan it to the lawyer in exchange for wearing "a piece of clothing" at a large event at some point in the near future. Warning bells start to go off in Jag's head, but nonetheless, a donation is a donation, and he ends up signing the contract.
Apart from the deed to Arch Hall, Sr.'s manor, Snowe had earlier managed to come across some "freedom fries", and something he called "W.", which looked suspiciously like ketchup to everyone else. He seems thoroughly uninterested in sharing, to nobody's shock or disbelief.
Zeke, meanwhile, means to get all the trimmings of a proper pirate's outfit. Hearing of Jag's clothing deal with Snowe, he heads off to the Avalanche's most likely location, the bar from which artillery is being launched in all directions. Speaking with Fats, Zeke manages to exchange his beer hat for a ruffly pirate shirt. Arriving back at the base, Zeke manages to trade Keigo his Coke hat for her extremely oversized pirate's hat.
After this, Keigo gets up, and rounds up Seigaku. Seemingly unhappy with their physical state of affairs (not that this is particularly unusual), she orders Stenda to give them a thorough and rigorous workout. Stenda nods, and sets them about meditation and yoga. Displeased, Keigo orders them to run instead.
Before they set out, though, Dust runs into the unit, and sees that Echizen has none other than a genuine pirate flintlock. Dust proposes a trade: that "silly old flintlock" for the SIR he took off the sniper Richan. Echizen agrees, though Keigo only allows the trade after Dust promises to remove the ammunition from the SIR. The Denchuli man agrees, and the trade is made, though after Keigo leaves he slips a clip to Echizen and whispers, "Revolution!"
Downstairs, Jag is again seeking donations for "The Human Fund". Outside are a few bums, dressed as pirate. Jag, having first felt under attack from all the pirate-talk, asks what the occasion is, and is told that it's "International Talk Like a Pirate Day". Jag retorts that it certainly isn't "International Dress Like an Idiot Day", and goes into a bit of a rage. But the situation cools down considerably when one of the men, dressed in full pirate gear with his face in some sort of wrap, offers to tell them where the senators are for the sum of 20,000 marks. While they're interested, they tell him, they certainly can't afford that sort of money.
The dining room doors open, and in enters none other than Lord Brindon, Major of the Special Forces. Seeing the bums, he demands to know who they are. The generic, obviously unimportant one doesn't say anything, while the one with the face-wrap identifies himself as Israel Hans. When told by Jag of the information that Hans purports to have, Brindon grabs him, and drags him off to a separate room.
Some time later, the door to the room opens, and Israel Hans is tossed out by Brindon, who calls him a "vagrant" and a "grubby colonial". Israel gets up and brushes himself off, and is then accosted by Pacci, who asks him if he's seen any robots around the city. Israel replies that he has indeed, and that if Pacci will follow him, he'll show him where he last saw one. Dust asks if he can come along too, and Pacci, ever the agreeable fellow, agrees.
Israel leads them through a maze of alleys and sidestreets. Dust feels quite lost, while Pacci seems in his element. Finally, they stop at a manhole cover. Israel opens it, and a network of lasers bouncing off the walls can be seen below. Without a second thought, Pacci jumps down, while Dust motions to Hans to step into an alleyway to talk.
Down below, Pacci drops past a serious of precarious bouncing lasers, and arrives at a gate below. Charging through, Pacci finds a small robot with a boomerang on his helmet: none other than the nefarious Quick Man. Pacci leaps into the air, only to be hit with a barrage of quick boomerangs. Pacci then turns to Flash Man's Time Stopper, which meta-gaming tells him works very well on Quick Man. Indeed, even though it clearly can't stop time, Quick Man seems to take quite a bit of damage from it. Following a few more hits, Quick Man is defeated, and Pacci gets equipped with Quick Boomerang.
After Pacci climbs up from the sewer, he meets up with Dust and heads back to the headquarters at the Boddy Manor. Arriving back as well is Dorn, back from the quest that he was sent on. He tells them that the senators are located in a large estate in the north end of the city. But as soon as he tells them this, he grabs Keigo, tosses her downstairs with Stenda and Nurse Joy, and informs her that combat is no place for a woman. Keigo tries to call for help, but everyone else is too busy laughing to care for her predicament. They gather up their troops, and head out without Keigo and Seigaku.
After this is said, the two square off, with Stenda and Joy somewhat helping out. After burning Lorinda's fur coat, Keigo finds it much easier to attack her, though the Senator's psi-spear attacks certainly hurt the young Electran. Stenda responds with nutritional beratement, accusing the senator of being anorexic, and Nurse Joy, ever the pacifist, responds by healing Keigo with medkits. Stenda's punches, while trained, continually miss their mark.
The fight takes a tragic turn when Keigo, attempting to remain conscious, uses her Mushroom Glare of Death to redirect an attack. The psi-spear instead strikes Nurse Joy, causing massive internal bleeding and quickly causing her death. Though Stenda and Keigo are able to take down the Senator soon after, the event casts a great pall on the day.
Eventually Arch Hall is felled, and with that, Varin and Slaughter become much easier. Slaughter falls quickly, and while Varin takes a little longer to defeat, fall he does.
However, at this moment, the heroes' presence in the manor is discovered, and their foes have a good idea how to deal with them: demolish the building. A large wrecking ball crashes through the building, and Flash takes this opportunity to use it to swing out. The others, however, not possessing the daring of the twenty-minuters, simply opt to run out the back.