Jag – Officer’s Dispatch 28
Heroes: Jag, Atobe Keigo, Dust, Pacci, and Lord FLASH
Enemies: Gnawing Hunger, and Major Xelme
Recent Duties: There’s not really anything you like less than funny business. And those Flying Sandos Brothers most definitely fell into that category. “Agrabah??” What’s the deal with that? Fortunately, with the city’s most popular entertainment act shut down for good, you should finally be able to get some work done.
Troop Status
-Supplies: Schmitzer SMGs, Armored Flak Vests, Deluxe Laywers’ suits, and briefcases full of legal documents.
-Morale: William Mattar is not so pleased that your ‘break’ at the Sandos Brothers’ show turned out to be so productive after all. You, on the other hand, are merely happy to have your crested jacket back.
-Health: Bad news: McMason has been wounded! Allegedly, he was knocked over by a panicking man fleeing the Sandos Brothers’ theater due to the bomb-threat. As a result, he fell on his camera and broke his arm. William Mattar has vowed to sue the perpetrator should he ever be caught.
Military Communiques
-Normally, you’re not about this ‘stopping for lunch’ business. However, you’ve received a communique from Major Xelme herself stating that she intends to assess both your troops and yourself in a highly physical inspection. And as an athlete like Jean-Paul will (and did) tell you, that makes getting a good meal essential.
Personal Notes
-With the upcoming physical inspection, you have a plan to both get some lunch and impress Xelme and all your superiors at the same time. In your professional opinion, patriotism has been in short supply around this base lately – and what could demonstrate your devotion more than a golden plate of fully garnished Freedom Fries?? Although Jean-Paul espouses the merits of a good breakfast cereal, you find it hard to take the word of a man who can hardly get up in time for breakfast in the first place.
-It has come to your attention that Reinz, Electra’s most widespread ketchup, is primarily owned by the wife of Conventionals Grand-Marshall Vonderveck. This means that no true red-blooded Electran would ever be found eating this stuff. Truly, there must be a way to garnish your Freedom Fries with a more patriotic ketchup brand.
-You continue to receive calls from Steve Wilson complaining about the Electran military selling out to big business. Not only does he claim that even the Commander himself has endorsed such deals, but Harvey Birdman has seen Zeke’s men riding around with corporate logos on their bikes.
-You weren’t too thrilled to accept Dust’s challenge to take him and Seamus on in a public exhibition tennis match. Fortunately, he hasn’t mentioned this to you lately, and you’re hoping it stays that way.
Mini-Objective
-Obtain a fully garnished plate of Freedom Fries.
-Tell as many people as possible not to be funny. There’s been far too much funny business around this place already.
Atobe Keigo – Officer’s Report 27
Recent Duties: You’re not sure what outrages you more: the mediocre performance of the Flying Sandos Brothers, or the audacity of a Spheran incursion into Electra’s deepest bastion. While it’s true you have no love for the Senate, the presence of your hated foes at the very centre of the Electran Republic really inflames you with rage.
Troop Status
-Supplies: FLAME-THROWERS, crimson uniforms, kamikaze headbands, Crimson Armor of the Republic, your original Coca-Cola hat, and fortunately, no sign of Lubosh, your personal tennis trainer, anywhere.
-Morale: Seigaku is in an absolute uproar – Flammie, their new mascot, has gone missing! Were your mother here, she would likely be quick to say that she knew this would happen when you took him out of the house. Which is why you have to get him back before she finds out.
-Health: Several of your kids were wounded in the confusion and panic following the bomb-threat at the Sandos Brothers’ theater. They report a big, foreign man running around and shoving them out of the way. You think you have a pretty good idea just who this might have been...
Military Communiques
-You’ve received a communique from Major Xelme herself stating that she intends to assess both your troops and yourself in a highly physical inspection later this afternoon. As a star athlete yourself, you don’t have any doubts as to your ability, but it does mean you’ll need to get in a good lunch to keep up your strength.
Personal Notes
-The Military Base has been inundated by corporate ads lately. One such advertisement is for a new hamburger that interplanetary fast-food giant Dariy King is touting as the ‘Flamethrower.’ As far as you’re concerned, this is really stepping on your turf. You intend to prove that they don’t even really know what a flamethrower is. And besides – it IS lunch-time.
-All things considered, you really expected Xelme to be more violent over the Lyonlot’s destruction. You hope that’s not what this afternoon is all about. It’s clear you still don’t fully understand her connection to that ship, but whatever it is, you hope she isn’t holding some kind of grudge against you.
-Your so-called rival, Cetina, is back once again, and has already latched onto your near ‘defection’ to Exavur’s cause. Stenda has fought back by berating her over her health, claiming that she’s likely to contract osteoporosis if she doesn’t increase her calcium intake.
Mini-Objective
-Obtain and consume your own so-called ‘Flamethrower’ burger.
-Locate and retrieve Flammie.
Dust – Officer’s Report 26
Recent Duties: In your view, there’s no doubt about it – they’re trying to keep the Denchulli man down! Although exactly who ‘they’ are might be up for debate, you’re certainly not going to let them succeed. With Snowe gone, it’s up to you to champion the Denchulli culture and expand it all around the military base.
Troop Status
-Supplies: SIR Rifles, Camouflage Scout Uniforms, Sniper Scopes, Rifle Tripods, Field Mortars, and Climbing Spikes. You’ve also brought in a shipment of authentic Denchulli potatoes, because as far as you’re concerned, you can never have too many of those around.
-Morale: There’s no doubt that the black-clad Lady Draven makes for a frightening foe, but still not as scary as all those clowns, or the mediocre quality of the Sandos Brothers’ act.
-Health: According to you, you and your Boyos could really use a good, proper Denchulli breakfast. Your old companion Jean Reno was quite correct about the quality of this Electran fare. The Electran chefs don’t seem willing to provide you with this, so as usual it looks like you’ll have to take care of yourself.
Military Communiques
-You continue to receive messages from ‘Supreme Conventionals Command,’ which you have learned is simply Pacci and the Pac. As such, you’re not too concerned about the fact these messages still don’t make any sense.
Personal Notes
-You were all pumped for your exhibition tennis match against Jag and Shellback, but it seems you’ve hit a snag: Lubosh has disappeared! You’ve been to his pro-shop several times, but found no sign of what might have happened to the tennis-playing immigrant. Surely he isn’t ducking out of the game, now is he??
-With your donations obtained in the city of Crescentia, you’ve asked Phil to make some purchases for your upcoming restaurant, KFP. Of course, you have yet to tell him your real intentions, although perhaps the deep-frier you asked him to acquire might arouse his suspicions.
-You’ve had to wake up to a terrible Electran breakfast for long enough. Back home on Denchul, there’s only one breakfast food that contains all the necessary energy and nutrients for a complete breakfast, and that’s Denchul’s national cereal, Fortune Flakes. Not only that, but they are backed by their official mascot, the mighty and powerful Clovey the Clover. Getting such a Denchulli breakfast may be tough around this base, but the Electrans can’t keep down Denchulli culture forever. There has to be way to find some Fortune Flakes around here somewhere.
Mini-Objective
-Obtain and consume a balanced breakfast of Fortune Flakes cereal.
Pacci – supreme Commander’s Report 19
Recent Duties: Although it’s clear that Clown-Man was no Wily robot, his defeat was a necessity in your continuing battle against the evil mad scientist. Not to mention the fact that you had to defeat him for the sake of Eric the Clown. It’s too bad that of all the shows to shut down, Clown-Man left the Flying Sandos Brothers for last. It surely would have saved both you and Eric a lot of trouble if this had been the case.
Troop Status
-Supplies: PK-33 Handguns, SIR Rifles, Bright Yellow Deluxe Uniforms, and a fashionable European carry-all which no longer contains several Energeon Cubes, a Verizon wireless cell-phone, an amazing vintage Pacman arcade machine, and Protoman’s whistle.
-Morale: The Pac is as happy as you are that the evil Clown Man has been defeated. However, they’d be even happier if they got to see a performance of your new friend, Eric the Clown. You’re sure that Bozo, whoever he is, has nothing on this guy. Dust seemed to be hiring him for some kind of party, maybe you can get in on that.
-Health: The Pac is not only ravenously hungry as usual, but thirsty too. The corporate advertisements that continue to bombard the base have really been getting to them.
Military Communiques
-You continue to be busy in your new capacity as Conventionals Supreme Commander. This involves making many AMAZING phone-calls and a lot of random arm-waving, as best as you can tell.
Personal Notes
-Corporate advertisements continue to be all over the base. For instance, Dairy King is making a big deal out of their spicy new ‘Flamethrower’ burger, and Culligan is offering a new beverage called ‘Diet Water.’ However, the ads that catch your eye the most continue to be those for new Vanilla Coke. They promise that you will find the subtle hint of vanilla alluring, and the flavor, smooth. You have to admit, your curiosity has gotten the better of you, and you intend to make sure it is rewarded.
-Along such lines, you’ve taken the pre-emptive step of approaching Funky, usually an excellent purveyor of hard-to-find goods. Although he offered to sell you something that could make you thirsty, he didn’t seem to have any vanilla coke, and even made some remark along the lines of it ‘not being worth the pain.’ Whatever THAT means.
Mini-Objective
-Obtain and consume some new Vanilla Coke.
Lord Flash – Officer’s Report 6
Recent Duties: Newsflash: you’re STILL great!! Just in case you were worried that anything had changed. But no news is good news, after all, and there simply is no good news like FLASH!! As if you weren’t sure enough, you’ve recently been spending a lot of time confirming your greatness sitting in your lavish office and watching yourself in the cameras you have directed at your own desk. The only problem is that all this greatness has made you rather hungry. You could really use a piece of food, and the world could really use a piece of FLASH!
Military Communiques
-This is outrageous! Someone seems to have disabled your very own plane. You received a call to duty yesterday and raced to the airfield, only to find the main control panel smashed in. The damage was ultimately quite minor, but enough to prevent you from taking off. Someone’s going to eat some real knuckle for that one!
Personal Notes
-It has come to your attention that the Special Forces have a secret project afoot to develop a new brand of ketchup to counter the popular brand Reinz, which is owned by the wife of one of the Conventionals leaders. This is a great idea, except for one thing – they’re probably not planning to name it after you! If there’s one thing you know, it’s that this country can’t get enough of Flash, and having your own “F” brand of ketchup is a surefire way to proliferate your image as a great Electran hero and patriot.
-You’re really feeling rather frustrated over the sabotage of your prized ship. After all, you’re the flying ACE of this military, and it won’t do to have you grounded. You’d love a chance to just let the perpetrator have it, but failing that, anyone else who isn’t Flash will do.
Mini-Objective
-Create “F,” your own new brand of Electra’s Ketchup.
-Feed at least one hungry person a sandwich of the knuckle variety.
Having soundly defeated the House of Stormwind's forces at the senate house, the heroes were left to brood about the matter. Joining them soon after was Kilant, and he was not pleased. The attack had occurred in broad daylight, and in the heart of the Electran capital. The Spherans were growing bold, perhaps suspecting that the Special Forces and their allies were now stretched increasingly thin. As well, the air force had been sabotaged, and no planes were able to follow the Stormwind forces. As if testament to this fact, Lord Flash arrived a few minutes later in a taxi, punching out the driver and announcing that his plane wasn't working.
After mulling it over for a moment, they headed back to the protection of the military base. Kilant informed them that there would be an all-officers meeting the next day at dawn, and that they were expected to be there. However, he was interrupted by a phone call. Pacci, outraged at being one-upped by Kilant, assert his Supreme-Commander muscle, and pretended to take several phone calls.
When they arrived back, the base was quiet. The Auxiliaries were gone, the Khan having betrayed Kilant by attacking his and Mustard's forces near Crescentia. The Conventionals were also gone, the split being all but complete, with only the Pac, the Boyo Scouts, and the Twenty Minuters left -- and Flash had sent his men home with signed photographs. All around, there was a hint of desperation, and it was about to be made worse.
The next morning, all remaining officers gathered in the command quarters. The junior officers were joined by Major Xelme, Major Brindon, Captain Rodrick, Commander Mace, and of course, Kilant. Lord Aeolus of Stormwind was also present, sitting quietly in a corner. Kilant entered shortly thereafter, and laid out the situation. The Khan's forces lay to the west of the city, the Conventionals to the north. The breakaways of the House of Stormwind were in an unknown position, and Aeolus pointed out that they would probably wait for the current situation to clear itself up before attacking -- they would not risk stirring up enough national pride to potentially re-unite the Conventionals and Special Forces. Time was on the Spherans' side.
All the while, Keigo seemed to be making handpuppet-impressions of the speakers, though she didn't actually have handpuppets. This didn't stop Pacci from finding the whole process extremely funny, and he had a hard time containing his guffaws. Dust, on the other hand, didn't find it terribly funny, elbowing Keigo every so often to pay attention.
Kilant informed them that they would be assaulting the Conventionals to the north, though not right away. First, he told them, they would be visiting the maximum-security Diamot prison, where Aeolus demanded that Lady Tallyn be executed. It seemed that he wanted to finish what he couldn't in the Aerie, when Jag and Zeke blocked his attempt. Kilant just nodded, and dimissed the group.
With the dismissal of the meeting, breakfast was on everyone's mind. At the O.C., Jag demanded a different fare from his usual cup o' joe - fries. He wanted "freedom fries", and lots of them. Flash also seemed interested in this, if only the condiments. The man seemed obsessed with ketchup, harassing the chefs and barging into the kitchen to try to get the sweetened tomato paste. Dust mentioned to Jag that the Fredo Foundation had managed to get ahold of a deep frier, and of course, the Boyos had no shortage of potatoes. Dust was willing to help, but at a price: he was really hungry for some Fortune Flakes, the Denchuli breakfast of champions, but nobody seemed to have a box of the stuff. Jag agreed to help him find some Fortune Flakes in exchange for a heaping plate of "freedom fries".
The two headed out to the tent of Lt. Phil, who, sure enough, had managed to secure a deep frier. Dust came back shortly with a sack of red potatoes, and set about cutting them up. While he was doing this, the frier rattled a little bit, and Phil hit it a few times to get it going again. Both Dust and Jag were a bit surprised by the lack of power cords or gas pipes, but Lt. Phil assured them that it was "self-regulating". Having made the raw fries, Dust collected 50 marques from Jag, and went to find Funky.
The Auxiliary wasn't hard to find, but he wasn't the man Dust was looking for. Funky had some sort of red-bottled liquid that he promised would pack a lot of kick, but Dust wasn't interested. Dejected, he walked away. Trying a few other schemes, he eventually ended up calling Fortune Flakes Intl. on Denchul (collect), and found out that there was some sort of Electran embargo preventing the import of the cereal. It seems that it would be even harder to get the breakfast of champions. But pressing on, he tried the Special Forces Academy. Seigaku didn't have any, though they did have a lot of dissatisfaction - the Revolution, Dust told them, was back on. But upon trying Jean-Paul Jean-Paul, Dust was able to secure some of the cereal, and a trip upstairs to Xelme got him the required milk.
Most things can be had (though for a price) from the Auxiliaries, and it was to their camp that Pacci headed first. Spying a hole in the Wheel's tent, Pacci curiously stuck his head through it...
...where he was instantly put in a headlock! A man informed him that his curiosity would be rewarded with a bottle of Vanilla Coke, and that he would find the taste intriguing, and the hint of vanilla alluring. But the headlock was tight, and as he gave the speech, Pacci passed out. He woke up a few minutes later, and found that Desrae had finished the last of the pop. She demanded admission from him, since, as far as she could see, at least part of him was in the Tent of Horrors. But before Pacci could pay, he bolted, with the promise that the Conventionals would pick up the tab.
Moving on, Pacci headed to Mahmood's, reasoning that he might be able to pick up a partial Vanilla Coke. Sure enough, in one of the walls was a hole. Pacci couldn't resist, stuck his head in again, and was put in another headlock. This time, he also couldn't stay conscious long enough to get the Vanilla Coke, and when he came to, he had found that Mahmood had finished the drink. He helpfully handed Pacci the bottle, offering him a "partial Vanilla Coke".
Pacci was pretty upset at this point. Twice the drink had slipped from his grasp. But his persistence was rewarded: he eventually tracked down a drink from none other than Kilant himself, having accepted Coke's corporate sponsorship to boost his ailing war funds, though he felt it was a waste of his time. The taste left a lot to be desired.
Young Keigo was not done, however. Looking for Flammie really worked up an apetite, and nothing would do but a Flamethrower burger from Dairy King. However, going there with her unit, she found the burger entirely unsatisfying: the food was like ash on her tongue. However, after causing a ruckus and getting thrown out, she couldn't think of any better way to acquire such a fiery delicacy, and reported for training on an empty belly.
Sure enough, at the end of the hallway was a cell containing the regal lady. Her hair covered her face, and a number of birds flocked around the cell. Keigo smacked her lips hungrily, perhaps envisioning a flamethrower burger made with fresh dove, but her attempts to catch them came up short, as though the birds possessed some kind of keen awareness.
Tallyn greeted them, and almost as quickly demanded "a warrior's death". She did not hate the Electrans, but would rather face her fate head on then cause dissention and fight against her own kinsmen. Kilant replied that he would mourn the great lady, and drew the thunder-sabre that Balarai Snowe had tossed to him on the wing of the drop-ship, and extended the blade. Jag didn't like where this was heading, and neither did Dust. Jag seemed to see the act as vigilante justice outside of the Electran legal framework, and while Dust outwardly agreed with Jag, inwardly, he could not see this a warrior's death. A warrior died defeated in combat: on a battlefield, not in a cage deep below the Earth. But being only Lieutenants, they could not overrule the decision of their Commander, and Kilant went ahead, his thunder-sabre slicing through the bars of the cell and the body of the Spheran. Keigo seemed to have few issues with this, but Jag seemed to be a bit troubled, and Dust was especially so. He had, after all, defected only because Kilant and the Special Forces seemed to show regard for the rule of law. Where, now, were the differences? For the Denchuli, the march north would provide ample time to consider the question.
But after this, Xelme suddenly looked at them and grinned, telling them that it was time to see how they stacked up. Pulling out a handful of nails, she shoved them in her mouth, chewed, and swallowed. Everyone was either in awe or shock as she asked, "What did you have for breakfast?"
Once done, she flexed, and attacked, unleashing devastating brawling maneuvers on the group. Some of their attacks got through, but the most powerful just bounced off her as she became the Iron Maiden. In the end, Xelme was the uncontested winner. Keigo fell first, followed by Flash, Pacci, and Jag. Dust weathered a hook punch and straight kick, but managed to dodge out of the way of a headsmash, tossing a dust bomb on to the ground, and repositioning himself far from Xelme's iron fists.
The Major, for her part, only spat out part of a nail, and could only hope to herself that the young lieutenants were ready for what was to come...
None.