Jag – Officer’s Dispatch 31
Heroes: Jag, Atobe Keigo, Pacci, and Lord Flash
Enemies: Stone Cold Steve Austin, Brontus and Vultura of Stormwind, and Sylgris the Dragonlady
Recent Duties: Hah hah hah: Ghosts! As a man of higher learning, it didn’t surprise you in the least that each and every one of those ghost-stories turned out to be superstitious bunk – with only the possible exception of the Ghost of Lord Flash, but you’re sure that’s only a matter of time. You’ve got no shortage of real-world problems to deal with, you certainly don’t have time for non-existant ones.
Troop Status
-Supplies: Schmitzer SMGs, Armored Flak Vests, Deluxe Laywers’ suits, and briefcases full of legal documents.
-Morale: Law Division remains outraged at the continued attempts of Jackie Chiles to discredit the Special Forces and the military as a whole. While some people may tout Dr. Wily or the Dragon of Sphere as the main enemies of the Republic, you know the only true threat is someone with a legal education.
-Health: Following his collapse during the Hedge-Monster case, Harvey Birdman has been seeking medical advice. Apparently, he’s been told by Dr. Rumak that all his exposure to the sun may be causing the development of skin-cancer. As a result, he is taking extreme measures to avoid all sunlight.
Military Communiques
-Gol Draam and his Conventionals have arrived back in the city in force. Unfortunately, that means there won’t be nearly as much table-space to get work done at the OC anymore.
Personal Notes
-Word is out that former military officer and famous beautician Vidal Sassoon is on the base. He is allegedly showcasing a new line of fashion, which he calls the Sassoon Shine. However, as far as you’re concerned, now that he’s in your waters, it’s time to circle in and go for the kill.
-You haven’t seen much of Jean-Paul Jean-Paul lately, which has not been good for your coffee situation. Mattar has been muttering about him joining some ‘religious cult,’ but you have no idea what that could be about.
-Ever since his new aversion to sunlight, Harvey Birdman has been weak and crippled. This could pose a serious problem to your unit, both in the office and on the field. You’ve got to find a way to resolve this phobia.
Mini-Objective
-Convince Vidal Sassoon to join the Shark Pack.
-Resolve Harvey Birdman’s crippling phobia of the sun.
Atobe Keigo – Officer’s Report 30
Recent Duties: The ghost legends around the base may have been put to rest, but the skeletons in your closet have only continued to grow. While you seem to have been cleared of the murder allegations against you, mistrust still hangs like a pall over your head, and you have a sinking feeling you have not seen the last of Captain Raphael. None of this has done much to put you in a good mood, and it's not like your ordinary moods are all that cheery anyway...
Troop Status
-Supplies: FLAME-THROWERS, crimson uniforms, kamikaze headbands, Crimson Armor of the Republic, and your original Coca-Cola hat.
-Morale: You certainly have no shortage of reasons to be gloomy. Whispers of the word ‘revolution!’ have sprung up again among your troops (well, all four of them).
-Health: You continue to sleep poorly, plagued by dreams of undead pirates. That All-Night Pirate Movie festival was really the last thing you needed. Stenda has suggested a daily Yoga meditation routine, but as usual you don’t give much credence to her suggestions.
Military Communiques
-Gol Draam and his Conventionals have arrived back in the city in force. Unfortunately, that means the OC is going to be irritatingly crowded, making it hard to enforce your preferred distance of 16 feet of ‘personal space’.
Personal Notes
-Gyahhh! On top of everything else going wrong, even the sun is so annoyingly bright today. Stupid sun, how dare it shine so much against your will? Surely there’s got to be something you can do about this situation.
-Even trusty Brock hasn’t had much time for cheering you up, not that you’d normally want him to do so. He’s been slaving away in his kitchen making all the lasagna you promised for that reception of the Fredo Foundation.
-Given the impressionable young minds of your troops, you’ve heard disturbing rumors about some kind of religious cult that is springing up on the base. They’re even said to have some kind of secret meeting place, though on a base like this you don’t know where that could be. The last thing you need is Echizen and his comrades joining some kind of extremist religious faction!!
-You’ve also heard rumors that Special Forces troops were seen escorting an unfamiliar Spheran onto the base. Your friend Ivy, who apparently has some kind of Law Division connections, has contemptuously murmured that Law Division might have the inside track on this.
Mini-Objective
-Make as many outrageously gloomy and pessimistic comments as possible.
-Find a way to reduce the amount of annoying sunlight around the base, and anywhere else.
Pacci – supreme Commander’s Report 22
Recent Duties: At last, it looks like you’ve managed to deal with all the ghosts who were haunting the military base. This has put you in a very good mood indeed, with the only slight disapointment being that you didn’t get to eat any of them. Still, there’s nothing you like better than defeating ghosts, aside from playing Pac-man. But that of course is a given.
Troop Status
-Supplies: PK-33 Handguns, SIR Rifles, Bright Yellow Deluxe Uniforms, Combat Helmets, and a fashionable European carry-all which no longer contains several Energeon Cubes, a Verizon wireless cell-phone, an amazing vintage Pacman arcade machine, and Protoman’s whistle.
-Morale: The Pac feels much safer now that all the ghosts – with the possible exception of the ghost of Lord Flash – are safely dealt with. They were a little concerned, however, about some white-haired lady that was mocking them for being so afraid of ghosts. That’s really not a very nice thing to do, you know!
-Health: The Pac isn’t afraid to eat anything, not even the rather creepy fare that was available at the OC. After all, when you’re used to eating ghosts, a bat-wing really isn’t that much of a stretch.
Military Communiques
-Gol Draam and his Conventionals have arrived back in the city in force. As Supreme Commander, you would have thought this would make you even busier than before, but so far the level of calls you’ve had to make has stayed about the same.
-Although Gol Draam seems to think himself the de-facto leader of the returned Conventionals, the true highest-ranking Conventionals officer, Grand-Marshall Vonderveck, refuses to return to Kilant’s army. As far as you’re concerned, that means the title of Supreme Commander is up for grabs, or more specifically, up for you.
Personal Notes
- If you’re going to be the Conventionals Supreme Commander, you’ll need to look the part. This means acquiring a uniform that’s so shiny people just won’t be able to avoid noticing you, including Gol Draam himself.
-According to your men, some kind of new religion started by ‘the Preacher’ seems to be sweeping the base. However, whoever this Preacher is, you can’t say you approve of his or her evangelical methods. Several people have ended up in the Medical Corps, allegedly due to being smashed over the head with a bible. This doesn’t sound like something you’d want the Pac to have anything to do with.
Mini-Objective
-Acquire the shiniest possible uniform for yourself.
-Due to your good mood, make as many inappropriately cheerful and optimistic comments as possible.
Lord Flash – Officer’s Report 9
Recent Duties: The only thing that could possibly be better than YOU is two of you! Which is exactly what makes the Ghost of Lord Flash so great. However, you haven’t had much time for this legend lately, since with all the other Conventionals back, you’ve been swamped signing autographs. Preferably on their foreheads, since that gives you free publicity at the same time. WAAFF!!
Military Communiques
-Gol Draam and his Conventionals have arrived back in the city in force. This also means that some of the rest of the RAF is back as well. The only way you’ve been able to stop them from taking back your office is to convince people that it’s haunted. Fortunately, the Ghost of Lord Flash has been around for just such a task.
-Now that the RAF is back, in theory you now answer once again to their commanding officer, one Admiral Tubby. This man’s main characteristic is a policy of not wanting to commit his forces too soon. Fortunately, it’s never too soon for Flash to be around, which absolves you from having to listen to any of his orders.
Personal Notes
-The production of ‘F’ has suffered a minor setback with some kind of accident at ‘your’ lab. You think that yellow goober Pacci might be responsible, as well as for scaring off your top scientist, one Dr. W. Clearly, security is going to have to be tightened up a little around that place!
-You’re so great, people should just be falling to their knees to worship you at your mere passing. Unfortunately, you’ve heard unseemly rumors that some kind of other religious cult started by ‘the Preacher’ is springing up somewhere on the base. Naturally, this fills you with indignant outrage. Clearly, there’s only one object worthy of worship on this base (or city, or planet), and that’s YOU!!
-Your fellow officer and admirer, Lt. Keigo, seems to be in a decidedly glum mood lately. The only possible reason for this is that due to the legend of the Ghost of Lord Flash, she may have assumed that you were in fact dead! You may have to remind her and any other ladies you see that they they do still have a reason for living. And that reason is FLASH!!
Mini-Objective
-Shut down the Preacher’s cult. You won’t stand for any competition as an object of worship around here.
-Remind any ladies you see that you’re STILL ALIVE as often as possible.
As is the usual custom, the adventure opens with our heroes in the OC, as they sit over a meal. The chefs are in a good mood and are discussing last night's All-night Pirate Movie Festival. Jag and Pacci shamelessly plug their own production, while Keigo tells them to drop dead and preferably throw themselves into the boiling soup. Noting her gloom, Flash jumps up on the table (much to Pacci's outrage since it ruins the food) and announces to the room that rumors of his demise have been greatly exaggerated. Jag then asks Flash if he has anything to do with the religious cult springing up on the base. Flash replies that he doesn't YET, but that's going to change. Jag is then accosted by Steve Wilson, Deksiilan garage lawyer, who demands that he and Axen Dredd be allowed to mediate some kind of 'negotiations.' Jag tacitly mutters some agreement and something about paperwork taking a while to go through before changing the subject.
Flash and Keigo head out to acquisitions where they pick up several large billboards. Before long, signs promoting Flash's godhood, with such slogans as "Let there be WAAAF!" are springing up atop the tallest buildings, casting their shadows over the entire base.
Jag and Pacci also head to acquisitions. They find Barry Seinfeld in the process of modelling Vidal Sassoon's latest fashion sensation, the 'Sassoon Shine,' which is basically a really bright jacket. Seinfeld isn't impressed by the clothing, but Pacci immediately volunteers to take his place, talking up how much more famous he is than Seinfeld. Jag cuts in saying that surely Vidal will want to supervise the project, and he can provide him with an office in which to do it. At Law Division of course. Vidal is initially skeptical, but eventually is convinced by the combined 'fame' of both Supreme Commander Pacci and Prolific Lawyer and Tennis Star Jag.
Flash meanwhile determines that the Preacher is holding his secret meetings at the old location of the Monolith, Genghis Khan's headquarters before he fled the city with the rest of the Auxiliaries. His 'preaching' mainly seems to be just ranting about Austin 3:16 and how the rest of the wussy-ass geriatric army has been doing things all wrong. Flash nails him with a bomb, blinding the office, and then emits a legendary burst of light, proclaiming himself the peoples' savior for banishing the heretic.
Pacci heads to his office; he has an important meeting to set up. Particularly, he meets with Gol Draam to convince him he should "retain" his title as Supreme Commander of the Conventionals. He does this by acting incredibly condescending and saying he's willing to let bygones be bygones with Gol Draam joining the 'bad' side. Gol Draam is naturally skeptical, but is blinded by Pacci's horribly bright gold jacket and can't wait to be rid of him. Eventually, the matter is settled by a phone-call to Senator Ridley, who agrees to 'split' the duties between the two, which allows Pacci to keep the title in name.
Jag is worried about Harvey Birdman's health, and the fact that the lawyer appears weak and crippled, wrapped in heavy shrouds and blankets, gives this just cause. He's heard there's a religious messiah on the base and heads to the new Church of Flash, where he asks Flash to perform a Faith Healing on Birdman. Flash of course agrees, and with a great deal of ceremony, throws off Birdman's shroud proclaiming their to be light again! Birdman instantly feels his energies returning and is 'miraculously' healed of his ailment.
After some training with their men, our heroes are summoned to an emergency meeting. Kilant informs that the river city of Current has fallen to the Spherans, and they are advancing downstream to the neighboring city of Ellivir. This latter centre has both a spaceport and commands one of the only major bridges across the Electran River, it thus cannot be allowed to fall. With the bulk of the Spherans pouring out of the mountains, Kilant will lead the main Republic column to Current to engage them, while the PCs, accompanied by Ivy and her Ivy League, will head to Ellivir to reinforce the local militia before the Spherans arrive. They would be taken there in trucks to speed up the journey, driven by "the best" truck driver, and one with which Pacci was familiar: Slow Moe.
Unfortunately, Slow Moe promptly lived up to his mediocre reputation. The trucks are ambushed by Brontus and Vultura of Stormwind. Although our heroes inflict heavy casualties on the Spherans, aided by Flash from the sky, the trucks are eventually entirely wiped out. Meanwhile, at the same instant, fires erupt around Ellivir as the Spheran Knight Rivagris appears at the head of a column of Spheran troops. Supported from the sky by Sylgris atop her drakkhaan, she leads her fearsome Hellblazers into the city, decimating the poorly trained militia (in spite of their use of shotguns and molotov cocktails).
Without the trucks, it is too late for our heroes to save the city. Arriving at the bridge, they are confronted by the terrifying power of Sylgris and her graceful silver drakkhaan. Their troops flee in a panic, leaving our heroes to try and clear the bridge of its mighty guardians. The heroes are badly burned by the drakkhaan's fiery breath, but a barrage of shots from Jag and McMason knock Sylgris from its back onto the bridge. Unfortunately, blinded by the fiery Sunburn that she releases, they are unable to do much damage to her. Things look bad until Lord Flash arrives in his Spitfire, out-maneuvering the drakkhaan and blasting it out of the sky. With a monstrous death-cry, it plummets onto the bridge, smashing it to pieces and sending all of our heroes, save of course Flash, tumbling into the raging river below, with their fates unknown until next time.
None.