Jag – Officer’s Dispatch 32
Heroes: Jag, Atobe Keigo, Pacci, Dust, Zeke and Lord Flash
Enemies: The Jungle Wilderness, Male Chauvinism, and Rivagris the Hellknight
Recent Duties: Hah hah hah: primitives! You have to admit, this habit of laughing smugly three times and then stating some relevant noun is really catching on. Unlike this primitive tribal society in which you seem to have found yourself. While some wussy bleeding-heart liberals might try and make some argument about protecting tribal culture, as far as you’re concerned, these people are as much subject to the law as anyone else.
Troop Status
-There is currently no sign of your troops, or your subordinates. Although you wouldn’t be too concerned if something happened to Mattar, you hope the rest of them are still alright.
Military Communiques
-None.
Personal Notes
-You can’t believe the backwardsness of this primitive Uwok society. Naturally, the whole place is just filled with silly superstitions, but as an educated man, you’ve certainly paid them no heed.
-More importantly, while exploring the jungle Bazaar, you’ve come across a disturbing presence: Jackie Chiles. Apparently, he’s been asking questions about the local area and hiring up jungle guides. What in the world could he be doing here?
-Apparently, Electran tea mogul Earl Grey runs one of its major plantations in this area. Frankly, you’re more of a coffee man yourself. You can only hope for his sake that he’s complying with all necessary labor laws and not exploiting the local primitive inhabitants.
Mini-Objective
-Use the phrase ‘Hah hah hah’ followed by a random word as many times as possible.
Atobe Keigo – Officer’s Report 31
Recent Duties: While you seem to have survived your present circumstances, you have to say that being burned alive tied to some wooden totems would not have been such a bad way to go. Maybe even better than jumping in front of a bus. Unfortunately, that appears to be the only good thing this primitive tribal society had going for it.
Troop Status
-There has been no sign of either Seigaku or your subordinate officers thus far. You had better find them soon, you don’t want those boys to forget just who’s in charge in your absence!!
Military Communiques
-None.
Personal Notes
-You find it hard to believe that such a backwards place could still exist on your civilized homeworld of Electra. Not only are there no tennis courts or modern amenities in sight, but gender relations seem to be stuck in the stone age. Every tribal man you run into is either telling you to cook some dinner or asking whether you’re a servant of Jag’s, Pacci’s or worst of all, General Quackers. You intend to show these backwards neanderthals that the only thing this woman cooks is people!!
-Speaking of male chauvinism, you don’t know how it happened, but Dorn is here. You saw him while perusing the goods of the jungle Bazaar, and what’s worse, your friend Lt. Ivy was all over him, much like most of her clothes. One way or another, she needs to be saved from the dark realm of Mansville before it’s too late.
-Apparently, you are not the first soldiers to wind up in this area recently. Some of the tribal hunters have been complaining about unknown but heavily armed men cutting in on the local hunting scene. It’s said to be rather difficult to find them, or even tell who they are, what with all the camouflaged face paint they wear.
-After all the sweat and grime of this uncivilized jungle, you could really use a good bath. While naturally, this hellhole is bereft of running water, the local women have told you that most of them go bathing in the pool located near some place called Splash Mountain.
Mini-Objective
-Condemn any and all examples of outrageous male chauvinism that you can find.
-Rescue Ivy from Mansville.
Pacci – supreme Commander’s Report 23
Recent Duties: Wow! This jungle village you’ve wound up in is so AMAZING! Not only is it chock full of both sticks and shiny rocks, but there are also even more superstitious tribal legends floating around. You’re also sure that in such an exotic locale, you’ll be able to find things that just aren’t available anywhere else…
Troop Status
-You haven’t seen any of your poor men ever since the battle on that bridge that was allegedly destroyed by the drakkhaan (though you suspect one of Crashman's left-over bombs). You sure hope Bumblebee hasn’t managed to get himself captured, you hear that can happen a lot to him.
Military Communiques
-None.
Personal Notes
-You really think everyone should be more thankful to General Quackers for saving you from near-certain drowning in that river. He saved all your lives after all!
-Not only is the Uwok village itself amazing, so is the exciting jungle Bazaar located just to the south. It seems that exotic travelling merchants from all over have come here to peddle their wares. By far the most exciting of these, though, is the Magic Health Elixir offered by a merchant known as Dr. Ewell B. Saari. As you well know, consuming healthy items is the one sure way to becoming more powerful, and you know you’ll be sorry indeed if you miss this amazing purchase.
-The Bazaar offers many other forms of entertainment as well. One of the most popular is the performance of an exotic dancer by the name of Little Egypt. Apparently, the wild twitching of her abdominal muscles and tantalizing irregular heaving of her bosom have left many an onlooker sighing hopelessly in heartfelt admiration.
-The Uwok villagers speak with great trepidation of a place known as Voodoo Valley. Apparently, to venture into the depths of this unholy place is to never return.
-The so-called Thunder Falls are said to be aptly named. According to the villages, great crashes of thunder can be heard to emanate from the mighty waterfalls. These sounds have been even more frequent than usual lately, which has led many villagers to believe that there is great unrest in the spirit world.
-Exploring the Crystal Grotto is a popular past-time among the Uwok villagers. The place is veritably an underground maze, where it’s said that the crystal ‘shines’ that the natives value so highly can be found in great abundance. Of course, there’s no one around who knows mazes like you do!
Mini-Objective
-Obtain Dr. Ewell B. Saari’s Magic Health Elixir.
-Make as many puns as possible involving Dr. Ewell B. Saari’s name.
Lord Flash – Officer’s Report 10
Recent Duties: By now, you’ve surely got those Spherans running scared. So scared, that they’d sooner crash into a bridge than come around for another pass against YOU. WAAFF! Unfortunately, all of your admirers were unable to get out of the way in time because they were so busy looking up at you, and were swept away in the river. You tried to fly after them, but had trouble spotting them from the air. You thus decided it was time for a heroic parachuting rescue. Unfortunately, you may have spent a little too much time posing dramatically on the nose of your plane, and ended up missing the river and landing in the middle of a jungle instead.
You weren’t alone either, and found that you had managed to parachute into the midst of some kind of primitive tribal society who called themselves the ‘Uwoks.’ They were so impressed by your dramatic arrival from the sky (like everyone else would be) that they seemed to consider you some kind of spirit and declared you their Sun-God. You have to admit, it’s rather refreshing to finally meet a people who really know their place, and yours. WAAFF!
Military Communiques
-Your plane must have crashed in this jungle somewhere after your dramatic fall from the sky. You’ve ordered your Uwok followers to retrieve your ‘Solar Chariot’ so it shouldn’t be too long before they do.
Personal Notes
-This Uwok society is rather tribal and primitive, but they’re sure to see the light now that you’re around. Scratch that, you ARE the light! And they’re seeing you right now!! WAAFF!
-Apparently, there’s only one other fellow around here who might command some smidget of authority aside from you. He’s said to be some kind of guru living atop the nearby Splash Mountain who sees all that goes on in the surrounding jungle. If you have your way, though, no one will even remember that guy what with you around now.
-There seems to be quite a lot of interesting entertainment in the jungle here. Not only has a travelling bazaar set up just a little to the south, but one enterprising tribesman is even holding female mud-wrestling matches down by the river. You might have to check this out sometime if you weren’t already so busy looking at YOU!!
Mini-Objective
-Perform as many religious miracles as possible to reinforce your position as the Sun-God.
Dust – Officer’s Report 28
Recent Duties: Normally, you’re not the kind to go out looking for trouble. But this time, people have been sticking it to the Denchulli man for too long. Your sister Daria’s birthday party is in just three days, and you have serious trouble, in that your main entertainment seems to have skipped town! First, Lubosh disappears from the city, and now Jag is gone as well, by all appearances in an attempt to duck the match. Well, you weren’t going to stand for this, and you promptly set off on their trail.
Checking through Lubosh’s pro-shop, you came across a travel brochure advertising one ‘Uwok Village,’ a ‘tropical vacation paradise.’ Apparently, this quaint tribal community is located in the depths of the Electran jungle. With this as your only lead, you filed for some personal leave, grabbed your trusty hat and rifle, and set off for what looked to be quite the jungle safari.
Troop Status
-This mission was a personal one, and you saw no reason to involve your poor Boyos. After all, you’re not scared of the Spherans, but jungle animals are another matter. Besides, you still can’t find most of them anyway.
Military Communiques
-You’ve heard news that the Spheran Coalition has broken their cover and is on the attack once again. The river city of Current has already fallen, and reinforcements were being rushed to the important spaceport centre of Ellivir. With any luck, though, they won’t have penetrated as far south as the jungle before you get there.
Personal Notes
-The jungle is even hotter and more humid than you anticipated. Still, as a rugged Denchulli outdoorsman, you anticipate no trouble in surmounting any physical obstacles you come across.
-Back on Denchul, a promise is a promise, and you don’t plan on letting Jag, Lubosh or anyone else duck out of their promised match. One way or another, you’re going to track them down and find out what happened to them.
Mini-Objective
-Discover what has happened to the tennis pro-star, Lubosh.
Zeke – Officer’s Report 23
Recent Duties: Fortunately, due to your troops’ status as a mobile unit, you’ve managed to keep yourself out of the line of fire for the past little while. While the rest of the army was off fighting Gol Draam and his Conventionals, you managed to run a little patrol action around some peaceful nearby farms, on the look-out for approaching rogue Auxiliary units, which thankfully never materialized.
However, it seems the Spherans have made their move, and you’re being called into service once again. The city of Ellivir has just fallen to the Coalition forces, and several Republic units – who it turns out you know all too well – have gone MIA. According to most recent communications, they’re believed to be somewhere in the vicinity of the Electran jungle, and a mobile rescue unit needed to be dispatched to find them.
You volunteered yourself for the job, ostensibly because a) these guys are your buddies, right? and b) it sounded better than being deployed against the Spheran positions in Current and Ellivir.
Troop Status
-Supplies: Hacksaw Shotguns, Biker Helms, Steel Breastplates, brand new leather Wheel jackets, Zeke’s Tent of Horrors, different multiple watches, Delta Mark IV motorcycles!! and a wooden walking stick.
-Morale: Your Haunted Tent of Horrors was recently revived with new special effects, and your men are pleased with the financial results. Unfortunately, it was eventually shut down by someone claiming to be the Supreme Conventionals Commander, who told them that making up ‘ghosts’ is serious business.
-Health: Being dispatched to a jungle area, some of your men are a little worried about contracting various tropical diseases. Surely, though, all it will take is a little bit of ‘medicine’ to put those worries to rest.
Military Communiques
-Your official orders are to locate and rescue the missing Republic soldiers who are reported to be in the region. Given how trouble seems to be drawn to these guys, you don’t imagine that finding them will be too hard.
Personal Notes
-An exotic jungle bazaar is a great place to do some business, especially given the famous superstitious gullibility of native inhabitants. You’ve still got some of Zeke’s White Lotus Lager kicking around, and this could finally be the opportunity to move it. You’re sure you can pass it off as some kind of magic health elixir or love potion or something of the sort.
Mini-Objective
-Sell as much White Lotus Lager – err, ‘magic health elixir’ – as possible.
Lady Feyne
Race: Fenixan
Rank: Civilian
Affiliation: Unknown
Lady Feyne was an exotic merchant from the distant, burning sands of Fenixa, selling the desert's mystical treasures at a bazaar in the Electran jungle. Her skin-tone is darkened by the sun, and her thick hair is a spiky red, like many of her race. A while veil hangs over her face, adding to her exotic and mysterious allure, and a great scimitar is carried with each over her back. Although claiming a purely mercantile profession, she seems to have some interest in a certain infamous Special Forces Major, and is likely more than she seems.
Dr. Ewell B. Saari
Race: Tortalian
Rank: Civilian
Affiliation: Himself
The name of Dr. Ewell B. Saari is most famously known attached to his special magical health elixir, which he was seen hawking at the Bizarre Bazaar in the jungles of Electra. He claims that with his prestigious medical degree, his is the only so-called 'magic' potion clinically proven to improve health and cure disease. Although his prices are steep, you're sure to be sorry if you pass up on such an amazing offer.