Do you hate paying taxes? Most of us do, and Ultros certainly hates paying his. But Ultros has come up with several ways to avoid paying taxes. And he is here today to share his secrets with you!
(We, the sponsors of Ultros Land, do not condone the art of tax dodging. We shall not be held accountable for any actions of tax dodging based on the information based on this page. After all, Ultros is an idiot.)

Hey kids! I'm your good ol' Uncle Ultros, and I'm here to teach you how to get around paying your taxes. Now many poeple will tell you that cheating on your taxes is illegal, but what they don't want you to know is that the only thing that can happen is that our government will lose money, so don't worry about that!

Lesson 1: Bribing your tax auditor.
Now, there are several steps to take to bribe your tax auditor:

First of all, you must pay taxes
Second, you will need a lucky charm. These can be many things, such as: horseshoes, tennis shoes, formal dinner shoes, formal dinners, rabbit's feet, rabbit's nads, toilet seats, and toilet seats for rabbits.
Step three- make sure you have reciepts. These can be from be from gas stations 'n' stuff. Or you can draw your own with color crayons, I think...
Number four- you have to buy lots of cheap whiskey.
Step five- invite your tax auditor over for dinner.
part 6- Hire a cheap hooker.
number 8- Cook your tax auditor dinner. If you can't cook, skip to step 10.
step three- Score with the hooker.
ninth of all, feed your tax auditor dinner.
Step 10- Get your tax auditor really drunk.
11- Get yourself really drunk
Number 12- Tie your tax auditor up.
step three- Score with the hooker.
Step... Ummm... Throw your tax auditor in a ditch and hope nobody finds him.
90210- I think this is the part where you burn stuff...

Lesson 2: Other ways to dodge takes
Here are a few more ways to get tax reductions, or even get around paying them all together!

1. Buy a shotgun and eye your tax auditor suspiciously.
2. Become Amish
3. Claim that Satan lives in your butt, and that he is a liability
4. Get into polotics

Lesson 3: The miracle that is disability
Hey! Did you know that there's this thing called welfare, where the government GIVES money to fat, disgusting slobs? You see, these poeple are what's called 'Disabled', meaning they are too stupid to get a job. The government takes YOUR money and gives it to them. I think Dennis Rodman may be on welfare...

Here are some ways that you can become disabled and get the goverment to pay you to sit around all day.

1. Become a Quadropedic person. This is where you saw off your arms and legs. Careful not to cut off your head though, I think you need that to live.
2. Gain 300 pounds.
3. Become famous. Famous poeple don't work a day in their lives. Here is a list of some famous poeple: Marilyn Manson, Charles Manson, Sally Struthers (See also step 2; Gaining 300 pounds), Leo-Retardo DeCraprio, The Spice Girls (Although they may work at Burger King soon, when poeple realize their serious lack of talent.)
4. Hit yourself in the head over and over again with a hammer until you vomit up your internal organs. Also, you can have your children (Now mentally unstable from watching you do this) videotape it and win some money from America's Funniest Home Videos.
5. Four words; Lapdance from Rush Limbaugh.

Lesson 3: the fine art of Embezzelment
Embezzeling money from the government is supposed to be illegal, too. But all it really is is getting the government to pay you taxes. I mean, turn around is fair play, right.

A great way to do this is insurance fraud. Insurance fraud is cool. Insurance fraud is when you pretend that something bad happens, and then they give you lots of money. For example; one time I read on a cereal box that this lady murderd her husband, and made it look like an accident. Then she got money from the insurence company. I compiled a list of things you can do to claim yourself some insurance fraud money:

1)Pretend to break your neck
2)Pretend to be pregnant with a celebrity's child
3)Be pregnant with a celebrity's child
4)Fake your own death
5)Fake someone elses death
step three- Score with the hooker.
7)Pretend you have a phobia (fear of shoes, hookers, squaresoft, ect.) then claim compensation for "therapy"

Hey! Check this out! Wanna make some quick cash???
Here is a quick way to make some cash! I learned this the other day when I was standing in an unemployment line. There was this guy who was, like, on time magazine once, but then he was in that hotel with that chick, and wound up in a newspaper, 'cause of some stain. Anyway...
First, get five bucks. This can be done by digging through couch cushions or robbing a liquor store.
2) Go back tho the liquor store you just robbed, and buy some cheap vodka with the five bucks.
Step three... um, yeah...
Step four: find a drunk bum. Trade the cheap vodka for 25 dollars worth of food stamps.
5) Find a fat woman with alot of kids. Sell her the twenty five dollars worth of food stamps for 15 bucks.

See? you just made ten dollars! Or was it fifteen? anyway, good job!

That's all Ultros has for today. Come back soon to learn more.
For more information, call your local Federal Bureau of Investigation and ask about cheating on your taxes.