Welcome to the How To Kick Niven's Ass Tutorial

Brought to you by.....

Zeke Hogburger

Hi! Welcome to all your people who want to know how to kick Niven's Ass! I know you guys have been waiting for someting like this your entire laugh, so here it is!!!!! I understand all the gratitude and thanks you will have, so send all cash donations and letters of congratulations to Zeke@kickniven.com First off, lets start with the basics. According the people in "G.I. Joe," KNOWING is half the battle, so lets get to know our enemy. Pay attention kids- This part is EXTREMELY important.

Now its time for a little history................... ready? here we go!

XX-XX-XXXX Niven Hsu (larval state) crawls out of his hatchery.

XX-XX-XXXX Niven metamorphs into a zergling.

XX-XX-XXXX Niven is dropped down by an overlord on planet Earth. Niven immediately assimilates to first human being he sees.

Sept. 17, 1994 Niven Hsu rears his ugly head at TAS. May God have mercy on our souls.

Sept. 18, 1994 Niven Hsu evolves into annoying, nutty goofball.

Aug. 24, 1995 Niven Hsu assimilates a bodybuilder (Hence the muscular body in his Profile)

June 21, 1995 Niven fails his psychological examination.

February 4, 1996 Niven gains 6,000,000,000 pounds of fat.

October 31, 1996 Niven begins his obsessions with other people's Moms.

July 4, 1997 Niven evolves into crazy, dorky fool who has too much time on his hands!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

November 13, 1998 Niven begins his devious plans of total world domination by playing starcraft 24/7.

How to Kick Niven's Ass in STARCRAFT- Niven has played so much SC that he knows everything there is to know about. In other words, don't even bother playing with the intention of kicking his ass unless you are using the following strategy. You see, Niven thinks he is so superior that if you pretend to be a newbie (stats: 0-0-0) and call yourself "NIVENISGOD", than Niven will try to do some ridiculous tactic, such as the quadruple Nexus zealot rush, or the 24 barax fire bat rush. While he is trying to do this, simply amass an army of 36 propes/drones/scvs and ATTACK! Niven will be instantly screwed!

How to kick Niven's ass in TETRINET- When it comes to Tetrinet, Niven is a skilled veteran. With 4 years of experience tucked under his fat belly, nothing poses a problem to him any more. Of course, Zeke Hogburger the Great has discovered his fatal weakness and devised an absolutely FOOLPROOF strategy! Excited? You better be! The first step is for YOU to host the tetrinet server. Since Niven is the kind of person who always tries to be showboaty and only clears 4 lines at a time, set the block frequency the the BLUE STRAIGHT BLOCK to 0 %, and since Niven will be waiting for those blue straight blocks to clear a 4-liner, Niven will be screwed!

How to kick Niven's ass in WARCRAFT II- Once again, Niven has devoted a large portion of his useless life to perfecting this game. He comes close, but once again, he has a fatal flaw. Only play Niven on a LAN network. Once the game is in play, minimize Warcraft II and than open Warcraft II sound editor. Once in the sound editor, play the .wavs for Dragons/Gryphons a few billion times. Niven will panic when he hears all these Dragons/Gryphons and start to think of the time he got his ass whooped by Hydramage. While he is in this state of panic, quickly send in all your peons/peasants and take him out. Niven will be screwed!

How to kick Niven's ass in REAL LIFE- ahhhhhhhhhh! The best part of this tutorial. Walk up to niven, distract him by yelling "Look! SHEEN WEY CHEN IS MOONING YOU!!!!!" Niven will then whip out a pair of binoculars and zoom in on Sheen, giving you time to rear your foot back, give it a nice swift swing and kick him nice and hard in the........... Niven will be screwed!

Thank you all for reading this tutorial. More is coming, so don't go away! Send all suggestions of requests to the WHNA (We Hate Niven Assosciation) Come back soon!