This is a blog about being a lesbian and an Assyrian. Please move on if this is not your cup of chai.
April 17, 2009
This fresh warm weather reminds me of my first Pride. I was a shy thing back then, 8 years ago. I was standing about, waiting for the parade to start, and one of the floats had a huge Pride flag that had to be held by 6 people. One person bailed last second and since I was right there, the woman organizing the float desperately came to me and asked if I could hold the flag. I froze. I just pictured myself on TV holding a huge Pride flag as my parents watched. I refused and moved out of the way so other, more out people could do the honour of holding it. I look back at myself and realize how far I've come. Now I would hold that flag and march down that street without a care in the world.
We all love Xena and Gabrielle, right?
I used to read a lot of fanfiction when I was figuring myself out. I think this was one of my favourites.
April 13, 2009
Hope you all had a marvelous Easter weekend. I know I did. Lots of great food and egg battles going on. Also lots of talk about Easter coming from Assyrians/Ishtar.
I had an hour to kill so I went to Indigo and read a book on morality (cuz you know, that's what you do when you're bored). It was really interesting and discussed how we are all born with a set list of morals, and how society also provides you with morals. It also thought-provokingly discussed how easily a situation turns from a "good judgment" to a "bad judgment" call. Example:
A train is on a track. The driver has passed out. The train is going down a hill towards 5 hikers (who shouldn't be on the track in the first place). There is a woman on the train who sees this ("Liz"). There is a switch on the train to change tracks, but on track number 2 there is 1 hiker (who also shouldn't be on the track in the first place). Would it be morally correct for Liz to press the button and kill 1 person instead of 5? Philosophers think Yes, she should press the button and kill 1 instead of 5.
As I was writing this, I found the "famous trolley" problem through wikipedia. Check it out, specially the Fat Man example for the dilemma.
March 24, 2009
Coincidental thing happened today. Pixie called me up just to say "I want you to know that you're appreciated". Its coincidental because I said the same thing to my last ex (not Tall Girl but the other.. did I ever give her a nick name? I didnt.. Lets call her "LP").
After a couple of months going out with LP, we were having dinner somewhere and I told her "I just want you to know that I appreciate you". Her response was (basically) "what the hell does that mean? How do I respond to that?" <shrug>. I wanted her to know that her making time for me in her busy and stressful work schedule and taking me out and all that jazz that comes with dating someone was.. well.. appreciated... she didn't get it.
Now Pixie says it to me... except I think I get it. Also, she knew that I didnt go to the below event; which maybe made her more appreciative? who knows.
There was a drunken hot tub party that involved basically every lesbian woman I found attractive, which I had to say no to. I had to because, come on.. Tall Girl, the Engineer, others that I haven't talked about.. all semi-naked and drunk? That's how Orgies happen! *lol*. But really, I didn't want to make Pixie even remotely jealous, so I said no; now all of them think I'm lame. :(
But why. Why do I really care about not making Pixie jealous? Its a hot tub party, they're all my friends, yes I'm attracted to them, but I am in a relationship and I wouldn't cheat.. why didn't I go? Let me contemplate.
I realized that in all my relationships, I've made them all jealous at various points in time. Sometimes on purpose, sometimes by accident, most of the time by not associating consequence to my actions. If I acted as I have in the past, I would have gone to the hot tub party and thought it was a perfectly fine thing to do. But just the idea that Pixie, even for one brief second, would think that I was not into her - breaks my heart. What on *earth* does that mean about the other women I've been with, that it was OK to hurt them? That I didnt really care about them? Maybe I'm just a better human being now, lol.
I have felt jealous in the past as well. One girl in particular insisted on consistantly staying over at her ex's when they were drunk and high (yeah, great idea). Pixie hasn't made me jealous yet, so maybe I work on a quid pro quo basis...
March 22, 2009
Hahaha: There was a party last night with the Lesbian Crew, which includes Tall Girl. Pixie and I were chillin' and having Greek Nachos (deelicious!) when the Tall Girl, who had a few to drink, asked "so..... are you two girlfriends yet???"; this question makes Pixie blush 6 shades of red (which is hilarious), and I answer for us and say with a laugh "we haven't had a conversation about it, but yes". Anyway, I couldn't read Pixie's reaction about my statement, so when we got back to my place we talked, and I brought it up. We're now officially "going steady" and we can call each other our "girlfriend" without hesitation.
Oh, Tall Girl. Can I just say that both of us pushing past all dating awkwardness into this friendship has been a blessing. She's great. She's currently also in an exclusive relationship with another chick.
March 15, 2009
Pixie did a great job with my friends and everyone loved her. I got text messages saying so, lol. I like the fact that, right now, we can only see each other on the weekends; I think that's really helped slow things down and allowed us to fall for each other naturally. Yes, I used the word fall. I feel it happening (it hasn't happened yet, because I'm still only getting to know her), but every time I see her, its just a little harder to let go and wait 6 days to see her again, oh Oxytocin... <insert scary music>.
We've just gotten to that part of the "relationship" where we've peeled off all our superficial layers and getting into the good stuff, who we are and how we really act to each other and situations...
She wants me to meet her sister on Tuesday. I'm totally comfortable meeting friends but family, on the other hand, makes me so nervous! ieieie. But I'm digging the fact that she wants me to start meeting them.
March 7, 2009
Pixie is meeting the first two sets of friends this weekend. The highschool crew and the lesbian crew. She's pretty good in social situations.. what I've seen so far with her own friends that is. The last thing I'd want is a clinger.. someone you can't leave alone for 5 minutes without them sulking.. lol, but I know she's not like that. :D
March 1, 2009
Oh, Pixie. We just spent the entire weekend together. We watched 8 episodes of the Office, 2 episodes of Big Bang Theory, hit up Dave & Busters (one of my favourite places), and finally went to a Tapas place that has live flamenco dancing.
February 23, 2009
I had an interesting weekend:
1. I went to a Poetry Slam: I had never been to one before, nor had I attended any spoken word events, but this was a blast. Intense performances by the poets and really moving material. Moral of this story? I need to attend more Poetry Slams.
2. I did illicit substances with Tall Girl: After said Poetry Slam, Tall Girl came back to my place and she brought some of the usual and we hung out 'till 4am. I wasn't sure what to expect. I feel as though we have successfully moved over into friendship mode, but just her wanting to come back to my place brought back memories. Last time she was over we were making out (and you all know how much I enjoyed making out with her).. so I guess its all about precedent. Next time she comes over, it'll probably be "better".
3. Pixie came back from her vacation: We spent fourteen hours in a cocoon of bliss. Ridiculous.
4. The Engineer messaged me today: The message read "I thought we were going to be friends :( :( " I find that interesting because it was only two weeks ago when I ended things with her, so its not like an excessive period of time had passed. Anyway, I invited her out tomorrow night with the crew, so we'll see how that goes.
February 19, 2009
My mom left me message and she said "Are you in Canada still? You haven't called for days and I thought maybe you had left to go abroad without telling us. Be a good daughter and call us every now and then. If we died you'd never know." uh huh.
February 18, 2009
Meow. I went out with my group of lesbian friends last night to a bar, and I invited a girl I had only seen online. We were supposed to meet up for a date, but that was right when I met Pixie, so I cancelled the date. Anyway, I called her up and she is also seeing a girl right now, so we met up as friends..
This is the first time I have a group of lesbian friends/potential future partners, and I must say that it's very liberating and healthy! How did I survive without a group of lesbian friends before??
February 16, 2009
I'm not the type of person to tell anyone to come out to their parents. I know a few types that say that you "have" to and that by you doing it, no matter what your situation, then you're "helping the cause". I think its a very personal thing, and, especially in our culture, sometimes its better not to come out until you absolutely have to.
February 14, 2009
Happy V-day girls. Hope you all have someone to snuggle up to tonight, and if not, are finding alternative methods of snuggling.
Anyway, check out the message board. On the second page of "Being a lesbian rocks", my mom wrote something! No no no, just kidding, but I swear she's said the exact same thing.
"My" Pixie left yesterday for a week in the Caribbean with her mom. Dare I say.. I miss her?? no.. I don't want to miss anyone again... I want to be a robot. I don't even know what I should be feeling for her, or what I should be doing, or what the rules even are anymore. Blah, I'm obviously just afraid to get hurt again. I'm afraid to lay things on the line and have it all just end... and that's sort of lame on my part. I'll have a week to contemplate.
February 11, 2009
I knocked that "Valentine's" date out of the park:
My place was dimly lit with candles and fresh flowers accenting the room. Dinner included the following:
1. 2 Mediterranean dips, decoratively plated with black olives and pita bread.
2. Raspberry/Balsamic Salmon with asparagus and cajun potatoes. Everything got over-cooked though :S
3. Chocolate fondue with raspberries, strawberries, blueberries and blackberries all served on a picnic blanket on my bed, which was also surrounded by candles.
It was....... amazing. I'm scared.
January 28, 2009
So the Engineer came by on Sunday and I told her that I had met someone.. but then she said "well.. can't you date two people?" Then we made out. And it was very good, but afterwards I told her that I can't date two people, specially since I have a real (and illogical) connection with one. Engineer has a tongue ring, that's all I'm saying.
I can only hope that if things don't work with Pixie and I, we can reconnect. Just being practical.
January 25, 2009
Just got back from brunch with Tall Girl.. we had a blast. This was our first real re-connect since "the break up" and it couldn't have gone better. She's got so many stories about her own relationships with men and women. Finally, someone can entertain me.
Well, the Engineer is coming by my place tonight.. so I probably won't convert her to a friend just yet, we'll see how tonight goes. Order some food, watch "Puccini for Beginners" and make out. Sounds like a plan to me.
As for Pixie, I saw her two days in a row and we had a great time (I actually cancelled a date with a new girl to see her). She blushes, and that makes me melt.
January 21, 2009
Ok, I don't really know what to say.. I had a date with Pixie on Sunday and ... I know she's going to be my girlfriend. Is that weird? That is weird. I'm crushing all my emotions and not putting any stock into my gut/heart/whatever right now because it just doesn't make any sense and I can only assume that is not how its going to go.. Anyway, we have a date on Friday and it seems, from the messages we've been sharing, that we're both *dying* to see each other again.
I think I'm just going to befriend the Engineer.. I realized that I do like her, but like a rowdy friend and not a romantic partner... hmm? Not sure actually.
January 17, 2009
Ok, so the Iranian girl was an hour late. I know we middle eastern women are usually far from punctual, but I mean.. really. Anyway, there was nothing between us. Not sure if it was the fact I was at the table for an hour (I brought a book and had coffee, so I was fine in that sense), or the fact that everything about her felt so familiar.. familiar as in family. She felt like my sister. So, she paid for breakfast (as she should have) and I ran out of there pretty fast. Done and done.
I am soooooooo excited about tomorrow's date though. This is how we met: I was at a housewarming last week. I didn't know anyone except one girl that was invited to the party (I didn't even know who's house it was). Someone had the idea of playing a party game called psychiatrist (see social version). I volunteered for the role of psychiatrist; and as such I begin asking random questions. I had never played this game so I went with usual psychiatric questions to selected people in the group, such as "are you happy", "are you sad", etc. Randomly though someone would shout "psychiatrist" and everyone would switch places. I was confused to say the least. I decided that since I didn't know anyone, I could ask *the* most offensive questions I could think of, so as to entertain myself. So I did. I turned to one woman and asked "have you ever had sex dreams with your parents." (her answer = yes); I asked a guy "have you ever cried and masturbated at the same time?" (his answer, after everyone finished laughing, was a clear and loud "NO!". Now listen, there was a really cute girl in the group that appeared out of nowhere, and I really had nothing to lose, and this was a game after all, so I asked her "Are you gay?" and her answer was "I assume so", which confused me. Eventually, I figured out that they were actually asking on behalf of someone two seats to the right of them and then the game ended.
That girl made a point though to come up to me later and actually work into our conversation "umm, by the way, I am gay". My brain did a little dance, we chatted and I gave her my card, and next day she emailed me. So, even after seeing me embarrass people, she's "still" into me.
Can I stress how cute she is? Dark haired and brown-eyed. My best friend thinks she looks like a pixie (the "Pixie"). She does not fit into my "type" actually (as discussed below). But she gives me actual butterflies, which to tell you the truth, I haven't felt these butterflies in a very long time. I've felt nervousness, I've felt attraction, but this is a combination of both *and* something else.. ? whatever.
I'm also seeing an Aerospace engineer (the "Engineer") (2 dates in; third in the works). This girl does fit into my type. The fact that she's an Aerospace engineer is the hottest thing about her.
Gotta love my nicknames for them; so unique!
I have so many stories, I wish I could ramble to my mom about them. Like, she'd love the Engineer.
I love bond.
January 5, 2009
I've got my first date ever with an Iranian next week. We've been texting and talking on the phone; she so far seems to have a pretty feisty personality. I befriended her on Facebook and I'm not sure if I think she's cute anymore... she's got these pictures that almost look like two different people! Its strange... Whatever. I'll still meet up with her. You never know until you see the person in real life anyway (for the most part).
Anyway, the idea of dating an Iranian appeals to me because I feel as though we already have a commonality that only serves to bring us closer together. Our funny little culture quirks are normal and common to us both.
January 2, 2008
I've got this guy friend at work, who is like my soul mate in a way because we just connect so well. I've known him for 4 years now and we usually have lunch like 3 times a week. I don't know what I'd do if he wasn't around! Just wanted to share my love for him.
I found out on the 31st that another co-worker of mine, whom I had grown close to (I knew her maybe a year) committed suicide. The news broke me up because she was my age, a techie, beautiful and very well liked. I contacted her boyfriend and he informed me that she did not leave a note and that no one knew that she was going through anything... Its weird. I am her friend on facebook still and of course, there is no one to take it down or deactivate her account.. its just very strange to view her page and look at her pictures.
As for New Years itself, I had a great time with some very close friends. I danced until I could dance no more.
My OTHER coworker (work work work) plays this SNL song all the time.
December 30, 2008
I wish I could post some of the messages I get from this dating site. People are writing to me as if they are texting me from their phones. One message I had today contained "lol" (and other variations of it) 15 times. You know how disgusting that is to read? Another message I received today seemed fine, until the girl asked "wuts ur fav kinda scotch?" Ew. Ew. Ew. I can't handle it. Girls, please remember to write out all of your words.
December 26, 2008
Guys, I just played with Lego for 2 hours... and it was good. I also want more because I ran out of gray pieces for my castle! Bah Humbug.
Hmm.. Blondie suffers from thinking sentences instead of saying them; so it seems like she's being very random most of the time, but its because I'm missing half of the dialogue. lol. And she said she doesn't like to plan things, she's a free spirit, spur of the moment kind of person.. I think that's lame. I like to plan and be organized. I mean if she says she wants to see me, but is unwilling to say when she's free (because she doesn't know), what sense does that make? Bah Humbug!
December 19, 2008
I had a date last night with a girl I met through the internet; she's a blonde with blue eyes ("Blondie"). It went........ well! She's had a serious relationship with a girl before, she's graduated from university, has a full-time job and a car. In these factors alone, she meets more of my base criteria than anyone I've ever dated! Currently the only downside (cuz she may still turn out to be crazy) is she's 30+ minutes away by car.
I'd like to discuss having a "type". While dating the Tall Girl, certain physical features reminded me of my first girlfriend and celebrities that I found attractive. This made me curious, so I actually grabbed pictures of people I thought were super cute, including previous girls I've dated, and put them all side-by-side in Photoshop and you know what I found? I do indeed have a type, and it includes brown hair, freckles, light eyes, and a certain face structure similar to Hannigan and Paltrow.
But what does this mean? Everyone has a different type they go for. Perhaps our genes drive us to find a specific match and program us to see certain people as very attractive, while others as plain so that when we have children, their genes may somehow benefit from this match. For a gay woman though, this does not make any sense, as I, unfortunately, will never produce offspring with Hannigan (sigh).
And then there are certain women that breach the gap into everyone's type. Like Helfer and Jolie. Is there some woman that I am basing my "Type" on? Like if I meet her, I'd be like "this is the one, the other women I found attractive were only similar to this one"? Who knows. I'm going to bed.
December 15, 2008
So, I went to Cuba with my mom and we had a blast. We get along great when we don't talk about "IT". Of course we did though, and it was a very positive experience for the both of us. She still doesn't understand it fully, but she does get it a little bit more; she even said that she would come with me to a gay bar some time! Who knows if she'll follow through though.
I have to say that I'm so glad to have been able to reach out to the lesbian Assyrian community. All your emails mean a lot and even though I know there aren't a lot of us, at least we now know that we do indeed exist.
Its 24/7 Enigma at my house; their music moves me like nothing else on this planet does. Here is one of my favourites. I had never seen the video for it before, and I was surprised on two levels: 1) it being a really uniquely interesting video and 2) ... you'll see. Well, except for the murder scene.
December 2, 2008
My best friend tells me I should chronicle my lack-luster dating life because its funny. She said, and I quote "I don't even need a TV now that you're single! You and your stories entertain me so much."
I can't even begin to tell you guys all my stories.. But don't get me wrong, I'm sort of enjoying myself. Meeting completely different people and gaining valuable "life experience" is interesting, specially from a psychological view point. Every person I date, and interact with in that manner, pushes me a little bit outside of my comfort zone making me understand more about myself and what I'm capable of/how I'll react in certain situations.
Here's some classic NIN.
November 25, 2008
I met with the Tall Girl a week ago, and we both finally laid all of our cards on the table. Cuz like after three months, you sort of have to know where you're at. We then transitioned to friends, which is the best thing for me. Even though I may have been able to continue with this semi-dating thing, its not for me. I couldn't pretend not to have feelings for her. So.. alas, no more insanely hot girl. It was so good while it lasted though. Its actually a relief, she was making me crazy.
She had so many red flags against her. Its interesting how much attraction and looks play into my decision making process. I was willing to set aside serious potential problems just to "enjoy her company". I need to clarify that this girl actually has an amazing personality as well; the hotness was both looks and personality. I'm really happy that we can still be cool..
I'd just like someone happy for once. I just realized the three women I dated weren't happy.
November 11, 2008
Hilarious. I'm too logical for my own good. I wanted to talk to Tall Girl and make things a little better with us by responding to some items she'd brought up in the past, but I managed to do the opposite. Apparently people don't like talking about stuff. I'm now the kind of girl that would sit you down with notes and cue cards to make sure I've said everything and covered all points (which I think is a good thing). Now there's some big mis-communication and we need to talk. That'll be Thursday. What happened to communication? There are issues though, so many!
At least there's a cute Irish girl tomorrow night.
November 6, 2008
I'm sick. I've actually been sick since Saturday, but its only now really starting to kick my ass. I'm on antibiotics. My mom is coming by tonight to take care of me... I love my mom.
Last night, I cancelled my date with Irish girl due to my cold, but we spoke on the phone and she decided to come by my place with some orange juice. She's half an hour away from me, so she got a lot of points for doing that. She's got a certain quality to her that I find appealing (the accent helps too) and we got on really well. I actually find myself wanting to see her very soon... maybe Sunday.
November 4, 2008
Irish Girl. We've been talking through facebook, and she seems fine... if a little boring actually, but who knows, its email. After checking out her pictures, I think I can officially say she's cute, but more on the butchy side then I've ever dated. We have plans to meet up tomorrow night. I hope it goes well because Tall Girl is slowly seeping into me and making me feel real things for her, but her world is so similar to the one I just left with my ex. That's what my gut is saying anyway, and if I've learned anything its to trust my gut no matter what the other person tells you. Tall Girl has been sending me so many mixed messages; ugh, but she's so hot.
I also have to remember that (I'm being 16 and quoting from a song) "there are skies that don't have clouds like you.
November 1, 2008
What the hell? So I go out to the club.. and somehow get with this hot Spanish girl who speaks minimal english (her friend actually grabbed my hand, lead me through the club and put my hand into a girl's hand).. and she asks me to dance, but its all awkward, how do people actually dance with someone they don't know? Anyway, I'm obviously lame since I'd never done this sort of thing before so I just went with it. We had a pattern of dancing, then going off to hang with separate friends, and coming back again. Anyway, in the middle of hanging with my friends, I meet this cute Irish chick that I actually have a good conversation with. I get her number then go back to my friends.
End of the night. I'm grinding with the Spanish chick and she's trying to make out with me.. except her kiss is not enticing and I dodge it for the most part. Then my best friend signals me that its time to go, I say my good byes to the Spanish girl (kiss her on her cheek), look over to my right, and there's IRISH girl looking at me like I killed her cat. Best part was, my best friend actually had a conversation with Irish girl, telling her that I got the Spanish girl's number. Great. It was crazy, so I just grab my best friend and we leave. Lets see if Irish Girl befriends me on Facebook or not.
Oh, I danced with Alice from the L Word, but didn't realize it was her at the time.. BAH!
To add to the strange night, Tall Girl called me at 3am to tell me that she came down to the village to look for me (I was already gone by that point). Yeah, that's all I needed. To be making out with the Spanish girl while both the Irish and the Tall Girl are looking on.
I have a feeling this whole "open relationship" thing is going to get messy. What do you think?
October 31, 2008
For halloween, I have linked backyard assyrian rap from youtube for your viewing (dis)pleasure. Got to love the shisha (which I will be doing for the first time this weekend actually). You know what though, the rapper is actually really cute once you see his face. Lol, yes, I'm more than allowed to say if boys are cute or not.
My Tall Girl can KISS. I don't think I've ever just kissed anyone for so long.. ever. One of those sessions where you still feel them kissing you the day after... Needless to say I was very distracted at work today.
October 30, 2008
I will be dressing up (or down) as Officer Naughty (but instead of it being a two piece, its a one piece) for halloween this year (well I was it last year as well, but I doubt anyone's really going to remember). We're going to hit a few clubs, dance, and I'm hoping to get my flirt on. Last year there was a construction worker that caught my eye.. she was really cute dancing around in her yellow hard hat and tool belt (I still think of her after a year, it was one great outfit!).
I've got to go see my parents tonight. I'm not in the mood, but I need to make an appearance once a week..
I'm also hoping my Tall Girl (I really need a better nickname for her) will come by later tonight for some snuggles.. we'll see. She's going through some rough times, and there's nothing I can say to really make her feel better; all I can do is give her a safe space. I'm not sure where I like where this is taking me.......
October 22, 2008
I just realized that I didn't upload the previous August note. Oh well, you guys get two blurbs from me.
I'm still somehow dating the hottest girl in existence (see below). Wow. Anyway.. We're in an open relationship which means I can date other women, and boy did I have an interesting date on Saturday. First off, this girl looked nothing like her picture, like that picture must have been the best picture ever taken of her. Next off, she had this habit of swaying in circles while talking to me (we were both seated). It made me sea sick! Then she got wasted off of one beer and put her head down on the table as if to take a nap....... The icing on the cake was the fact that she had such a sour face, even though she was telling a funny story, it was as if she was angry. Ew.
I would love to date a nice assyrian girl! If only my mom would set me up.
August 26, 2008
Ok.. Now I don't want to jinx it, but I think I may be dating the hottest girl in existence. Its like she shouldn't even exist in reality. LISTEN:
She's tall (6 foot 2 and I'm only 5'2), she looks as though she could be a model, long brown hair, brown eyes, light skin, freckles and a beautiful smile. Everywhere we go, everyone is checking her out.. i mean everyone - men, women, children! As for her personality: she's smart, funny, cute and even a little awkward and shy of her height (I find imperfections endearing).
On top of that, I'm dating 2 other women with two more possibly to add to the list next week. Yes, my Assyrian sisters, cheer for me, I'm back in the game!
I've never dated before, you know? I've just sort of fallen into two long term relationships. Now is my time to go CRAZY and see what's out there.
July 29, 2008
I must say I've had a really good few days. I guess it was all uphill from that baseball game. Anyway, Saturday I went out with a friend and met 2 women who seemed to possibly be into me(?) It was amusing to say the least. Sunday I went to the spa and decided on an extreme makeover and now I feel fantastic. I've got so much stuff planned in the next couple of weeks: A sex workshop, a hiking adventure in the country, badminton with the above-noted women, starting a business on the side, wallclimbing, and even trying to find time to write an interactive fiction!
But.. I still miss her.
I'm not "sad" because I think I won't find anyone else, I know I can and will, its just that I actually miss her and not the routine we had.
After analyzing and thinking and pondering, I've come to the conclusion that we didn't communicate about the right things. We were dishonest with each other about certain aspects of our personality (maybe we were afraid of getting rejected by the other, who knows), which lead to a year of mixed signals from both sides, which lead to the end. Well, now I know and knowing is half the battle. Its weird though, I'm starting to fully appreciate how insane our relationship actually was, and how we're better off being with other people, still sucks. <shrug> That's rejection for you.
I remember when I was dating this dude back in the day. He'd call constantly, and I was so disinterested. He'd pick me up in his Jeep (my favourite thing about him), and take me to the beach, or drop me off at work, sweet sweet guy, but I felt nothing for him. One day he called, and I realized it had been like a couple of months since we'd hung out. He told me that he was dating a girl. I said that was fine, but when I hung up the phone, I actually felt jealous! Why? I didn't want him! But suddenly realizing that he didn't want me made me feel this odd emotion.
Thanks to the few girls that have sent me warm wishes.
OH MY, I just died laughing. I did a youtube search for GI Joe and found parodies of their Public Service Announcements..: (I'm sure the only reason I find these so funny is because its 1 in the morning. )
Gay.
July 25, 2008
Baseball games are boring. So boring in fact that I left my friend there, alone, during the 6th inning. I guess I'm not quit myself yet!
July 19, 2008
So my girlfriend and I are no longer. My mom found me days later upset. I told her "Fine, I'll tell you, but please be compassionate". So I briefly told her the news and she gave me a hug and was indeed compassionate.
The next day I'm sitting on the deck and she's like "your life will only be suffering if you continue to be with women! See what happens! Women are devious, find a shining star of a man who will worship you and then see what life really is". Sigh. I did my best to ignore her insane ramblings. My ex wasn't even remotely "devious".
Breakups suck and what not and they leave egos shattered, but from an almost scientific point of view it is actually exciting. Here I am thinking about things that I've never really thought about or perhaps have even allowed myself to think about before. Very interesting.
April 30th, 2008
So its been some time since my last post. Nothing exciting has happened - just a lot of this and a little bit of that.
I'm finally moving out on my own, away from the micro-management of my parents. Oh, its going to be good!
So get this, its my cousin's wedding soon and we all got separate invitations. My mom comes by my room and gives me my (already opened - cuz you know, Assyrian parents read your mail) invitation and says "In the invitation they ask who your guest is - you just have to make sure you write that you are only bringing yourself and NO ONE ELSE." Sigh. Not that I would want to subject my girlfriend to my hypercritical extended family, but just the fact that my mom just flat out told me not to bring anyone made me feel like I was 13 again.
Let me just visualize my little dream where I could bring my girlfriend to a family party and she'd be accepted. My dad would tell her some embarrassing story about how he grew up in small town Iran with no running water and had to walk 5 miles to school with no shoes and a donkey would chase him; my cousin would ramble on about how the middle east needs to be bombed because they're all "stupid"; my brother would talk about computers non-stop; and my mom would offer us tea. Then on our way home, we'd both laugh at my family, but lovingly, and make out in the car. (hey if i'm visualizing, I better make it worth my while!)
The gay film festival is coming - so excited!
February 28th, 2008
I had a long discussion with my brother last night about whether I should come out to the rest of the family. Now, I've gotten to the point where I really don't understand why people would see me differently. I used to be able to understand and sympathize. But piece of me is gone now. Being gay is such a non-issue in my life that I can't even imagine someone actually making it an issue. He thinks that coming out to the extended family would be "selfish" because it just makes them feel uncomfortable. He says I should just continue lying when they ask if I'm dating anyone. I don't think I can do that anymore. I can't just sit there while my aunt asks me about boys and just smile and say I'm not dating, or that I am dating, or whatever lie would be the easiest. I just want to say, yes I am dating a girl. The end. If they can't handle if, then I might not be able to handle them. What's the point of a fake relationship?
I also saw Cloverfield last night, and it was entertaining. The shaky camera action made me a little queasy by the end of it though. I'm glad I caught it in the theatre, because it would definitely have no effect at home. The monster reminded me of something from half-life... or was it Doom. Hmm. Yes, I'm a gamer. Or I used to be when I had time to sit down and play games all-day-long. What happened! I think work and responsibilities happened. Boo.
New topic: I miss the sun. Winter sucks. Its just such a depressing time. Not that I'm crying on the floor or something every day, but you really feel the difference when Spring arrives. It wakes something inside you and you're suddenly fully enjoying life again. You're partying more, making out more, you know, all the good stuff.
February 25th, 2008
I'm in the midst of purchasing a condo and am a little stressed. This video of Iranian police women amused me.
Also, check out the Department of Assyriology and put your Assyrian to good use.
I watched an internet TV show the other day because there was nothing else. It was really bad, but I mean, if you have no other lesbian shows to watch its something at least. 3 way.
February 21st, 2008
I did an amusing thing the other day. I posted a question on a random Assyrian forum and asked the question "Would a lesbian Assyrian be accepted in her community". Well then I forgot to check back for 3 days. I logged in today to find 81 responses to my question.. well most like 81 debates going on. Oh, there was fighting and quoting the bible, but you know what surprised me the most? More than half the posts were actually saying that they didn't see why it would be such a big deal. I think that's pretty damn good for Assyrians.
I did receive one private message though. One woman had left her entire family and switched States so she could live her life in peace. She has virtually no contact with her family anymore. That's a sad situation, but of course its not Assyrian-specific.
February 17th, 2008
Anyway, its peanut butter jelly time.
Now I want to tell you all about my girlfriend. This one is a keeper. Why you ask? Because she actually sees our crazy culture as a unique and interesting thing. She now knows more about Assyrian history than I do, and she's done a great job of motivating me to get back to my "roots". I had stepped away from being an Assyrian because, obviously, I wouldn't be very welcome; but now I'm trying to think of ways to incorporate my life with the Assyrian community. My last girlfriend would have been in agreeance about just cutting my family out of the picture, but this one tries to get me to reconcile with them, and to keep them around.
December 30, 2007
I sort of feel like I should have started this blog 10 years ago when I was 18 and everything was a full-scale drama. Now I've just learned to deal. Back then I was all:
- "who am I?"
- "How can I be gay, I'm Assyrian! I'm supposed to have Assyrian children and recreate the empire. (which sort of reminds me of "But I'm a Cheerleader"!)
- "What will my friends and family think!"
- <Insert lots of tears and angst.>
Now its all just blah blah blah. When my mom brings it up and tries to make me feel bad, its one more "blah" to add to the list. Also, I did in the past, for one very brief second, contemplate suicide, but I'm too much of a chicken! hah.
December 18, 2007
I wanted to create a simple site to say that I exist. I'm an Assyrian and a lesbian.
Now, of course, my parents have a huge problem about this. Actually my father doesn't even know (maybe its better never to tell him, he's managed to delude himself with all sorts of reasons why I'm not dating any boys anyway). My mother asked me flat out if I was a lesbian 5 years ago (when I first started dating a girl), I excitedly told her that I was, in hopes of her accepting me and I could finally bring my girlfriend home to show off. Obviously this didn't happen. There was lots of yelling, tears, weird stereotypes, and somehow having sex with a dog got thrown into the mix. It has been a long time since, she hasn't changed, and of course her pleas for me to change haven't happened either.
Anyway that's all I really have to say at this point. I just wonder if there are other people out there who will actually read this. Post something on the message board!
Here's a link to an odd article about homosexual Assyrians.