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Safe Sane and Consensual? |
There is a line between a consensual and a non-consensual act. This line, when crossed, makes the act unsafe, mentally and not sane. Non-Consensual acts can be performed, through intimidation, just as easily as when a person is physically restrained. Don't kid yourself that someone has to be restrained to be "abused".
We see abuse in our society all the time, in the form of housewives/girlfriends and husbands/boyfriends being mentally and physically abused. Why do they take it? Why don't they just get out? The answer is not as easy as the question.
For some, the abuse is something that they feel they must endure, because they think they are not worthy of a non-abusive relationship. "He's so good to me at other times." (when he's not telling me how worthless I am.)
Nobody questions a child, who has been abused, as to why they stayed. Why? Because the child is not mentally aware of what abuse is. The same is true with many adults, especially those who were abused as children. It is like the old adage, "Hind site is 20/20." After the realization that they were in an abusive relationship, many have said, "I knew that, but I thought that's how everybody was." or "Every relationship I've ever had was like that." or "I didn't know what else to do."
Avoiding Abusive Relationships
Warning signs that the dominant you are seeing may be potentially abusive - either emotionally or physically:
They constantly criticize others.
They may place you on a pedestal at first, but their criticisms will eventually turn toward you, too.
They pretend to know everything about everything.
They carry grudges and are unable to remain civil with former submissives.
They may bad-mouth their "ex" in public. This dominant has allowed a root of bitterness to grow inside them. And, how they treat former submissives is likely how they'll treat you one day.
They are nice only to people who are attractive or easy to like, or that they feel can "further them in some way." If you submit to such a person, they may walk out if you become sick, scarred or less attractive. Look for a dominant who is kind to all ages and types of people.
They may try to rush the relationship, at least at first. Perhaps they say they have seen you in a dream and are convinced you are Sub Right (and this is only your first meeting!) Avoid a dominant who is "claiming" you as his future slave. Don't let a dominant convince you of something that you haven't decided.
They don't treat their parents with respect. How they treat others is a strong indicator of how they will treat you when the newness of your relationship has worn off.
They eventually run "hot and cold" with you.
They alternate between pursuing you and keeping you at arm's length. You never know where you stand with them. This dominant has probably felt deeply rejected in the past and is determined not to let you hurt them, too. However, this realization doesn't excuse this behavior, which is self-centered and cruel.
They try to make sex or scening the major topic of conversation at the first meeting! Even if they make a big deal about not wanting to have sex with you, please beware! "Me thinks thou doth protest too much!".
Do they belong to a D/S organization? Not everyone does, and this is not necessarily a warning sign. Dangerous people, however, tend to shy away from groups, for fear of being "found out" that they are dangerous.
If the dominant is from a different town, and you don't know or can't talk to their family, or real friends, (not online) I suggest getting their name, address, phone#, where they work and the phone# there. Then verify all of the information and give it to someone you trust. If they object to this, or give you misleading information, there is more here than meets the eye. No matter how much they explain it away, leave them alone.
They don't seem to be able to commit to anything very long, whether it's a hobby, pet, job, or a place to live. They're always looking for greener grass on the other side of the fence and are never quite satisfied. Don't confuse this one with ambition.
They often run short of money. A good dominant doesn't have to have a high-status job, but they should be responsible with the money they earn. If they spend their paychecks on sports equipment, floggers, etc., for themselves, but seldom have enough to pay their bills or buy groceries, they're irresponsible and self-centered. If they can't manage their own life, how could they presume to manage yours?
They're extremely opinionated or dogmatic. They may debate heatedly with anyone who disagrees with them.
They tell the same story a little differently each time you hear it. You may not be able to put your finger on exactly what they said originally, but your vague impression is that they just told you something different from his first version. Eventually, you catch them telling lies..
They say they're giving up smoking, drinking, etc., only if they think that's how to keep you, but as soon as they have you, they don't try until next time.
They seem resentful of your relatives or close friends. They try to isolate you, by taking up all of your waking hours.
Their temper flares rapidly, whether they lose at a game or get cut off in traffic. A good dominant, controls their anger and does not allow the anger to overcome them.
These are just a few of the warning signs, shown by abusers. It is in no way meant to be a complete list of what to look for. But if you DO see one of these signs, re-evaluate your situation. Just be careful. Use your own judgement and follow your head, not your heart.
