I got to know her on my art course. I’d often be working next to her in class. She’s very talented, and very dedicated. Her art is her life.
She’s really pretty. I’ve never known anyone as pretty as her. All the boys look at her. Girls don’t look at me the way boys look at her. Oh, they look at me all right, but not in admiration. It’s something that I’ve had to become used to, ever since the accident.
I felt that she was different, that perhaps she could love me, despite my appearance. We got talking in class, just small talk, but that’s more than what most people gave me. And when she chose to stay behind in the evenings so would I, and we’d continue talking.
It was during this time that I fell in love.
Once I’d found this love I decided to pursue it. A love like this is rare, I couldn’t allow it to be ignored.
Finding the courage to ask someone out is especially hard when it’s something you’ve never done before. You run it though your head so many times, but when it comes to reality it turns out to be nothing like you had imagined.
I’d often follow her from class to class, trying to build up the courage to ask her out. Occasionally she’d see me and I’d quickly walk the other way, too nervous to approach her. Surely she must have been able to work out that I was interested in her? And as she still spoke to me in class in the way that she normally did, well, surely she must have liked me too? That’s not an unreasonable assumption, is it?
And so, eventually, I found the courage, and approached her. “Oh, it’s you,” she said, as she spotted me. “Well, what is it? What do you want?” I could sense a tone of discontent in her voice, but I believed that her tone would change to one of joy once I had said what I was about to say. I believed that she would have been glad that I had finally said what I’d been meaning to say for so long.
It was now or never. “Erm... would... you like to go out with me some time?” That was it, I’d done it. I had now just confirmed what we both already knew, that I was in love with her.
“What?” she said, “Er, no! I don’t think so!” My heart shattered. This didn’t make any sense. “You idiot! Just because I’m the only girl that talks to you doesn’t mean that I want to go out with you! God, I felt sorry for you, that’s all! I wish I hadn’t now, if this is how you’re gonna take it! I’d never consider going out with you. I mean, look at you, you’re a freak! A freak who goes around following a girl just because they said two words to them! Just piss off and stop following me!” She then turned around and walked off in a hurry.
How could she do this to me? Get me to fall in love with her, make me think that she felt the same way about me, and then turn like that? How could she do that?!
That was yesterday. Yesterday was the day when she showed me complete and utter disrespect. Today, though, she will respect me. Oh yes, she’ll respect me all right.
I’ll get her to respect me through the use of a surprise that I have hidden up my sleeve. I took it out of my Dad’s shed. I’m surprised he still kept it there, ever since my brother and I found it all those years ago. My Dad uses it for chopping up small bits of wood in the garden. My brother and I decided to have a go for ourselves one day when we were little, but it all ended with the accident.
At least I know first hand just how sharp it is. It’s odd to think that the very thing that disfigured me, and therefore weakened me, now empowers me. The blade isn’t very big, it fits into my hand quite comfortably, and there’s plenty of room in my sleeve for the handle. As long as I keep my arm close to my body, no one will spot it.
Today I’ve been spending my time walking around the corridors, everyone blissfully unaware of my surprise. I can’t help but smile. More people than usual are looking at me today, wondering what does a freak like me have to be happy about. Let them look all they like, today’s main event can be a lesson for them all.
I saw her a little earlier, sitting at the bottom of some stairs, talking to a friend. I was standing at the top of the stairs, out of her view, but I could still hear every word. “He bought me roses the other day,” she said. I didn’t know who it was she spoke of.
“Oh that’s so sweet,” replied her friend.
“Yeah, and he took me to the cinema and we sat in the back row.”
“Really? And then what happened?”
“Ah, now that would be telling!” On hearing this I attempted to clench my fist, cutting my hand on the blade. Fortunately the blood didn’t drip. I couldn’t afford to give myself away, not yet at least.
“So, do you think he’s the one?”
“Yeah, I do, I really do. I just want to be with him forever...”
I had heard enough, and so I went down the stairs and walked past her. Now that was exciting, being able to get so close to her, with my surprise up my sleeve, and yet have her completely unaware of it.
I decided not to take any more chances, and so I stepped out of view for a bit by disappearing into the toilets. I needed to gather my thoughts, and mentally prepare myself for the task that is before me.
Looking at myself in the mirror I kept telling myself that I had to do this, I couldn’t let what she did go unpunished.
But why do I have to do this? Is it really necessary? I am better than she is after all. If she can’t accept me for who I am then that’s her problem. I could just let her live with it, and show her how good I am. Wouldn’t that be a better way to punish her?
To find someone else, another girl. Not one like her, one who can find it within their heart to love me. We could fall in love and be together. Then that would show her what she’s missing out on. Yes, I could look for someone who will make me happy, and make all my dreams and fantasies come true. Yes, that would be a good way to end this.
But who am I kidding, where am I going to find such a girl? They’ll all be the same, they’ll all think that I’m just a freak, not a real person with real feelings at all! No, it’s foolish to think like that, to think that anyone could love me. I’ve been cursed for life, I can see that now.
After reaching this conclusion, my thoughts returned to what I had just recently found out, that the little bitch has a boyfriend now. I wonder who it could be? It doesn’t really matter I suppose. I’m not going to need to have any dealings with him, he’s done me no wrong. He’s not the one that put me down yesterday. It’s only her that needs to be punished.
Come to think of it, she didn’t mention any boyfriend yesterday. She could have just said that she was already with someone when I asked her out. I could have accepted that. Yes, I could have. So, why didn’t she just say so?!
Then I worked it out. She just couldn’t resist the perfect opportunity to put me down! She must have been harbouring thoughts like that for weeks now! She said that she had just been feeling sorry for me, which means that she had always seen me as a freak, the same way as everyone else does! All those acts of kindness in our classes together were just a show, a mask for what she was really thinking. She probably saw the whole thing as some sort of sick joke!
That settled it, we have to punish her now.
Once I’d collected my thoughts I left the toilets, and have since been lurking around in the shadows. I’ve been following her around, but this time I’ve been careful to make sure that she doesn’t see me. I don’t want to spoil the surprise, I want it to have maximum effect.
It’s become quite late now. There was a beautiful sunset a while ago, it turned the whole sky red. We could have watched it together, if we had been together. We could have watched the sun go down, and the moon rise, and all the stars come out. We could have looked deep into each other’s eyes. I could have shown her the love I bore for her, as our lips slowly met...
That would have been magical. It’s a good night for romance.
It’s just such a shame that instead tonight brings with it darker things.
There aren’t many people about now. Not many people choose to stay behind this late. But she is. She loves to spend hours on her paintings. I’ve known her to stay behind so late the security guards had to ask us to leave so that they could lock up the building. The fact that she’s staying behind late tonight is perfect for me. There’s no one around who can stop me. Her love for her artwork will cost her dear.
Her art was her life. Tonight, it will be her death.
I’m not quite sure what’s going to happen once I’ve done what I have to do. The security guards won’t be coming round for another hour or so, they’ll probably be the ones who find her body. That gives me plenty of time to escape. What I’ll do then, I don’t know. Maybe I’ll come in tomorrow as usual, and pretend to be upset when the news breaks and spreads. No doubt they’ll work out eventually that it was me who did it. And then they’ll all know my reasons why, and they’ll all be sorry that they weren’t kinder to me.
And then what? I suppose the only thing left for me to do then would be to make my own exit from this world.
I don’t have any regrets, I know that I have to do this. There is no hope for me. Hope for me died on that day, the day that I had the accident.
I’m out of options, I have to do this. I’ve come too far, I can’t turn back now. I have to be strong and see this through.
I can see her now, through the window in the door, washing some paintbrushes.
It is time.
I have to do this, there is no other option for me.
