Editorial Warfare Part I: Ball Pointe Academy FIRST MORNING
"Awright you grunts, lissen up! My name is Sergeant Staedtler. I’ll be your instructor for this first quarter of your stay at the Ball Pointe Literary Academy. Before we get any further, lemme set the record straight on a few misconceptions some of you may have about why you’re here. You may think you’re something special for rising above the rest of the muck-dwelling, yellow-pencilled scum that stalks our walls out there. You may think succeeding the admission test is some kind of achievement you should be proud of. Well it ain’t! You’re a grunt. That means a graffiti runt, here, and don’t you forget it. You may have passed the test, but that doesn’t make you special nor respectable. Until you actually GRADUATE from this fine academy, you are a nobody. You are not a citizen our our proud country either. Until that day you walk out of those gates with literary skills we find acceptable, you can be sent back to digging trenches at any time. We’ll make qualified literary officers out of you, or you’ll die trying.
"Now that that’s settled, here are the ground rules you should remember..."
NEXT DAY, 0700
"Good morning everyone. I notice that some of you are not here yet. Here at Ball Pointe, we expect you to be on time, always. If you think we’re gonna win Word War III by missing our deadlines, you’re gravely mistaken. Deadlines. Let that be the word of the day. In a few minutes, you are going to hear three gunshots. You will also be short three classmates. There will be no additional warning regarding punctuality.
"Now, open your Literary Procedure Guide to the first chapter. You, the redhead, your name? Kimberley Pilot. Start reading..."
FOLLOWING WEEK, TUESDAY, 0900
"That concludes the morning VocDrill exercise. Bick, Pilot and Finepoint, step forward. You’ve done adequately to date, so we’re gonna go for a bonus round this morning. Ever heard of first person narration? Good, Bick, good. How ‘bout you, Pilot? Ah. Figures. Just another pretty face with no brains. Well, for your in-for-ma-TION—if you can dig a four-syllable word—first person narration is a narrative method by which you narrate your story in the first person. It’s about me, myself and I. Right up your alley, Finepoint, isn’t it?
"What was that? No! You don’t call me "sir," you slime! I work for a living! Another "sir" from you and it’s a week-long dictation for you, is that clear? I SAID is that CLEAR? Good. I’ll be indulgent this once, but don’t you let it happen again. And for chrissakes, brush your teeth, you stink!
"Now that THAT’s settled, back to the matter at hand. First person narrative. Can anyone give me the advantages of first-person narration? Bick, what do you think? Yes, that’s one quality. First person narration—1PN for short—gives your story more emotions, more humanity. And this is what this Word War III is all about, you eraserheads! Don’t you forget it. Words without emotions are the death of us all. When you write, you should write with passion and voice, not like a drone. Express yourself, but do it well. All right, one good answer for the teacher’s pet. Finepoint, what do you think? What else? Hm. What you’re saying is that 1PN is a vessel to give you a worm’s eye view of the world rather than a bird’s eye view? Yes, that’s right. Got that, Pilot? Didn’t think so. Let me put it in small words you can understand. When your readers read 1PN, they feel like they’re part of the world rather than above it. 3PN is often called "God’s Perspective" because you know everything, but that’s not how your reader really feels. Using 1PN gives the reader someone to identify with, and that’s good.
"Okay, now the important part of today’s lessons, the pitfalls and traps of 1PN. Anyone...
"DAMN! Step away, she’s only fainted. Let me handle this. You, with the glasses, get on the com and call medbay right away. Tell ‘em Pilot’s down and to get here on the double. Settle down everyone! We’ll continue this lesson as soon as she’s taken care of."
SAME DAY, 1 HOUR LATER
"Good morning everyone. I’m Corporal Jessika Oxford, standing in for Sergeant Steadtler. He’s asked me to let you all know that Private Pilot is doing fine. She’s been diagnosed with diabetes, something that’s very easy to control once you know you’ve got it. She’ll be back with us tomorrow. In the meantime, the Sergeant has asked me to replace him as your instructor for the rest of the day.
"I believe he was asking you about the pitfalls of of 1PN. This should be easy. Anyone care to give this a shot? Anyone? How about you, with the pinch and blonde hair, what’s your name? Tom Martinet? What do you think?
"Everyone heard that? Okay, since Private Martinet has pretty much whispered his answer, I’ll repeat for your collective benefit. It was a good answer, by the way, very insightful. Mr. Martinet says that it’s easy to turn 1PN into thinly veiled exposition. Now, he’s absolutely right. Remember that the Reader is your enemy. He has been doing guerilla reading for years, now, and your weak or distracted use of 1PN is just not going to cut it out there, on the field. You want to use 1PN, you’d better make bloody sure you do it good, or you’re going to break his suspension of disbelief, and as soon as you do that, you’re a sitting duck. Suspension of disbelief is your best and sometimes only ally on the literary battlefield. You lose it, that’s the end of you. You might as well go back to painting prehistoric pictures of horses on some cavern wall. So whatever you do, make sure you use 1PN with a voice and a personality that are unique, not just your own. Try to give an agenda to your narrator, not just a personal journal. Pretty much all Readers have seen it done, and most likely by someone who’s more talented than you are. Make sure there’s something entertaining the Reader’s mind while you’re going through your 1PN exposition, it can never hurt. Oh, and no matter WHAT you do, do NOT get pedantic, unless you’re trying to provoke a Reader into an uncontrolled frenzy. It’s happened to one of my squadmates once, and it was quite the poor sight. He was redlined to death and got a solid talking-to from our Chief Editor.
"Okay, that’s a good start. You, step forward and tell me your name. Finepoint. Private, tell us what you believe is a pitfall of 1PN. Lack of dialogues, you say? Clever observation, and as a recruit, you might indeed believe that’s not possible. Rest assured, however, that we HAVE that kind of technology at our disposal. For instance, should you take everything I’ve said since I entered this room, you would still have the impression of a dialogueue between this class and myself. While the Reader would not see or hear your speech, you will notice that I have taken great care to emphasize who said what, and added some personal comments on top of it. I have therefore allowed you a "voice" in my narrative, even though the Reader never really sees your words. I admit it requires rigorous training, but rest assured that under Sergeant Steadtler’s tutelage, you will become quite apt at this in the coming weeks. While we’re talking about dialogues, you should be careful of the Reader’s feelings when using 1PN. If you set your prose up to be a monologue, the Reader will be far more tolerant of your story than if you pretend that it’s a dialogue where he doesn’t get his or her say. If you say it’s a dialogue, then you must mean it and make sure there’s a voice in your narrative that is there to represent him. That’s why I’ve asked your names and repeated everything you said. If a Reader was to read this class’ recording out loud, I could hope he would empathize with one of you, at least, and... What was that, Finepoint? No, I insist, please share your wit with the rest of us. Ah, yes. You would feel the Reader would empathize with you, I see. How wonderfully self-centered. Well, since you like the attention so much, why don’t you dazzle us with more of your brilliance and name another trap of 1PN?
"We’re all waiting, Mr. Finepoint, please don’t leave us hanging this way. What’s that, Private? We can’t hear you. Louder, please. No, that wasn’t quite enough. Ah. You do not know. That is... unfortunate. Please come see me after class, we’ll revise your study schedule accordingly. I’m sure Sergeant Steadtler won’t mind if we squeeze in a few hours of advanced grammar training a day for the next month. That should help your eloquence under pressure, something an upstanding future citizen such as yourself will appreciate.
"Now, anyone would like to volunteer a guess as to another weakness of 1PN? Private Mosqueira, you’d like to say something? I see. Thank you. Yes, this is very relevant, and what I was looking for. Context is the keyword, here. It’s fine and dandy to write emotionally-strong 1PN that takes into account your Reader’s feelings, but there is a higher—and proportionally more dangeous—breed of Readers out there, and feeding them some kind of context or agenda really helps. Why was this narration recorded? Why is the Reader being exposed to it? What is its relevance to the greater storyline, if you have one. Setting your 1PN within some kind of context gives it meaning, purpose, and this is the only way you’ll defeat some of the tougher Readers out there."
"What— Oh, Sergeant! I didn’t expect you back so soon. Well, we were almost finished. I was about to close, but they’re all yours."
NEXT SEMESTER, SECOND WEEK, MONDAY 0700
"I’m Lance C-c-corporal Hubert Bick. T-t-today, we... we... we’re g-g-going to t... talk about first person n-n-narration, or 1PN, as we refer to it. If m-m-my stutt... stutt... stuttering b-b-bothers you, t-t-that’s not my p-p-problem... Now, can anyone name the ad... ad... advantages of 1PN?"