Night Before Xmas, Pirate Style

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the ship

Not a pirate was drinkin', not even a sip;

The bottles were empty, the kegs were all dry,

And those still awake were wishin' they'd die.



The swabbies were all passed out in their bunks,

Buried in vomit, urine and spunk;

My wench in her leather, and I in my cockring

Had just settled down to an evenin' of fucking,



When out on the deck there arose such a clangin'

I sprang up off of the wench I was bangin'.

I stumbled outta bed and staggered to the door,

Tripped over my feet and my face hit the floor.



I slowly arose to my feet in a daze,

Cleared my head with a shake and peered through the haze

When, what to my red bloodshot eyes should appear,

But...what the fuck are those? ...some kind of deer?



And a fat little bastard, all dressed in red,

With nappy white hair over most of his head

Popped out of the sleigh and onto the boat,

Looked around worriedly, and brushed off his coat.



He pulled out a list, checked over it twice,

Then finally asked, "You been naughty or nice?"

The question confused me, cuz I was still kinda lit,

So I said, "Duh! I'm a pirate, dumbshit!"



So he packed up his loot and looked ready to jet

'Til I spoke up and said, "You ain't leavin' just yet...

I bet a fella like you has a shitload o' brass."

Then I walked up to him and coldcocked his ass.



I took all his coins and the big sack o' loot,

Looked him over and thought, "Hmmm...those are nice boots."

When I was done, he was stripped to the skin,

With his wrinkled old pecker bare to the wind.



And I think he awoke, a little bit later

And took off in a huff, hot as a tater,

Cuz I heard him exclaim, as he left in a fit,

"That fuckin' asshole stole all my shit!"


-Boozer