Fun with the Beoulves

Part One: M.I.X. the Gunpowder in the Bowl

"Alma, why in the world did you put gunpowder in the cake batter?!?" Ramza demanded to know. "Uh, I don’t know, why?" Alma said, not knowing the answer herself. "That was cool, do it again!" Mustadio implored. "WHAT?!?" Ramza said in shock. "I said", Mustadio started, readjusting the straps on his crash helmet, "’That was cool…’" "I know perfectly well what you said, Mustadio," Ramza said, "but I’m trying to teach Alma how to cook, and blowing up another oven would not help."

Elsewhere, an extremely annoying, recently resurrected just for this story, noble brat and a "commoner" that happened to be the king were arguing. "How could a simple animal like you become a king?" the annoying noble brat said. "Bite me," the king said regally. *KABOOM!* Another explosion rang throughout the hallway. "What the hell was that?!" the kingly king inquired. Our annoying little noble brat sneered and said, "That was an explosion, simpleton!" With that, the pair went to the source of the explosion.

"I thought I told you not to add gunpowder to that!" Ramza shouted, clearly pissed off. The king asked, "Gunpowder? Who’s stupid enough to put gunpowder in…" but was cut off by a glare that could cut glass from Alma. "Delita Hyral, how dare you just waltz right in and insult me like that?" she said, enraged. Delita, knowing this was a no-win situation, kept his mouth shut. Our darling little noble brat simply sneered at Delita. "Algus? I thought you were dead," Ramza commented. "I was, a crazy fanfic writer resurrected me about an hour ago," Algus explained, "Weird, huh?"

"I’ve seen weirder things than that," Mustadio said, "like the time when I saw Zalbag prancing around the house in a dress, singin’ ‘I Feel Pretty’." "At least he wasn’t wearing fishnets, singing ‘Sweet Transvestite’ from The Rocky Horror Picture Show, that would have really been scary," Delita responded. All shuddered at that thought. Ramza said sarcastically, "Thank you for jamming that lovely image into our heads." Then, one of the walls shattered and a voice shouted, "WHERE IS FURINKAN HIGH SCHOOL?!?"

Part Two: Unexpected Guests and Chocobos

Algus asked, "Who the hell was that?" "Just someone who couldn’t find his way out of a paper bag, that’s all," Ramza answered nonchalantly, "He sometimes wanders here, always looking for ‘Furinkan High School.’" "He forgot to pay for the wall he demolished," Delita said absently. "Damn. This is not my day," Ramza groaned. Then came the chocobos…

"WARK! WARK!" went the chocobos. "DIE! DIE!" yelled Zalbag, brandishing his sword. "Wasn’t he dead too?" Delita asked. "What is this? National Resurrection Day?" Mustadio pondered. "Artistic license can be very dangerous in the wrong hands," Alma thought out loud. Algus added, "Especially if someone gets a hold of some Instant Plot Devices™."

Part Three: Let the Guilty Pay, it’s Resurrection Day!

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" someone yelled from the sky. Luckily, the falling character landed safely. On Algus. "Oh my God, they killed Algus!" Alma cried. "You bastard?" Mustadio added. Algus feebly moaned and twitched, proving that he wasn’t dead. "Where the hell am I?" the faller from the sky asked. "Hey, it’s Izlude! How’d he come back? Last time I saw him, he was dying," Alma said. "… bastard…" mumbled the injured Algus. As if to add more injury upon Algus, the chocobos decided Algus was a chew toy and played tug of war with him. Delita witnessed this, but instead of helping, he started laughing. "Serves you right, you murdering asshole," he said.

"Who’s a murdering asshole, Delita?" a distinctly female voice called to him. "O-ovelia?" "Who else, moron?" Ovelia retorted. "You’re not gonna try to kill me again, are you?" he asked. "You tried to kill Delita?" Ramza questioned. Ovelia tried to look as innocent as possible, began to speak, but broke out into incoherent sobbing. "That’s one way to avoid the subject, I guess," Izlude commented. "I shall predict the next one to return to the realm of the living," Mustadio said, making waving motions over the remaining cake batter, "I shall see it with my mystic bowl of explosive batter. It will, it will, it will be… Dycedarg!" "And how do you know that?" Alma asked. "’Cause he’s right over there," replied Mustadio, pointing to the doorway. "Huh? This isn’t hell," Dycedarg said. Delita remarked, "You sure about that?"

Part Four: Chibi Gets Bored and Blows Up Dycedarg

Part Five: What Are They Doing Here?

"Wot th’ bloody ‘ell am I doin’ ‘ere?!" inquired a lightly clothed woman, who kept two guns at her side and had a braid to the small of her back. All the guys ogled her, including Dycedarg, even though he was a pile of ashes. "Oy, if som’one ‘ere don’t tell me wot the ‘ell I’m doin’ ‘ere, I’ll ‘ave to ‘urt som’one!" the now pissed off adventurer proclaimed. Ramza, managing to think with his mind, told the pissed off lady, "We don’t know either. A lot of weird s#!t has been going on today. What’s your name?" "Lara Croft, and yew?" "Ramza Beoulve. Sorry about their behavior, it’s been…" he pondered for a moment on how to describe the day he was having, "an odd day…"

"Hi everybody!" an annoying, high pitched voice chirped. "Alma, Nice to see you again!" another voice, not as high pitched as the first called out. "C-ko! Akane! I didn’t know you two were coming today!" Alma responded. "You know them?" Ramza asked his sister. "These are the guys who taught me how to cook!" "Yep! We taught her everything we know!" C-ko chirped. "That explains a lot," Mustadio said absently, still gawking at Lara.

Then another figure fell from the sky and landed safely. On Algus. "Oh my God, they killed Algus," Alma said. "You bastard," Mustadio said blandly, still fixated on Lara. "What the hell? This has got to be some kinda dream or somethin’," the blue-haired figure from the sky said, "Uh, sorry about falling on you, uh, flat guy." He then nticed something was up, "Huh? The sun’s up, but it’s supposed to be about one A.M." "I’m in hell again, aren’t I?" Algus feebly asked no one in particular. "Kupo!" a moggle who had just arrived said.

"Pikachu?" a little pokemon asked. "Not another uninvited guest!" Ramza cried. "Hey, do you know the way to Vermilion City?" a young man who had followed the little pokemon asked. "I don’t think they know, Ash," Ash’s taller companion said. "C’mon, they gotta know! We’ve been wandering for days now, if we don’t get to Vermilion City soon, I’m gonna scream!" a young lady, yet another companion of Ash and the pokemon, shouted. Then everyone started to talk at the same time, no one could hear what anyone else was saying, and Ramza silently fumed until…

Part Six: Ramza Goes Postal

"You tell those commoners!" Algus said from the floor. "Oh yes, you," he said, "I thought I told you to go away and never come back, but did you listen? Nooooo! So you have no right to talk either, you spoiled, stuck-up, deceitful snotrag!" "Now that’s entertainment!" Mustadio quipped cheerfully. "You shut the hell up while I’m speaking, you moron!" Ramza raged, "And you," he walks over to Delita, "What the hell are you doing here, anyway?" "I wish I knew," Delita answered. "Brother, you need to calm down…" Alma started. "Calm down? CALM DOWN?!? Why should I?" Ramza interrupted, "All this weird crap happens to me and you say calm down?!"

"Should I hit him with my mallet? That’ll calm him down real fast," Akane said with a smile. "I said to get the hell out of my house, woman!" Ramza yelled at Akane, with a menacing glint in his eyes. "Uh, I gotta go, Kasumi needed me to go to the store for her…" Akane said before taking off through the hole in the wall. Then Ramza said to the pokemon trainers, "You too, and don’t forget your little rat!" "I wouldn’t call him a rat if I were you," Ash said. "And why not? What can the rat do to me?" Ramza said rather arrogantly. With a cry of, "Pika-CHU!", the little "rat" unleashed a powerful lightning blast on Ramza, shocking the living crap outta him and leaving him temporarily unconscious.

Part Seven: Dude, This Is Pretty F^*^ed Up Right Here

Somewhere, far away, you can hear someone yell, "DIIIIIIIIIIEEEEE SPAAAAAAAACE MOOOOOOONKEEEEEEEEEEYS!!!!" You can also hear, "Put down that katana!", and, "Help us! She’s gone mad again!" (Inside joke, don’t ask.)

"’ey! I think ‘e’s comin’ to," Lara said. Ramza slowly sat up. "Did anyone get the number of the chocobo carriage that hit me?" Ramza said in a daze. He looked around and whined, "Oh God, it’s not a bad dream!" then began to cry uncontrollably. "Uh, look on the bright side, dude, at least this isn’t an everyday occurrence," Rudy said, trying to be of some help. "I wonder how much longer all this insanity will last?" Delita wondered out loud. "Yes, how much longer will this last?" Ovelia echoed, glancing at a nearby knife set, then at Delita, then at the knives again. Needless to say, Delita was quite disturbed by that.

Part Eight: Will This Never End?!?

"Brother, you need to stop this crying, you’re scaring everyone now," Alma told Ramza, "It’s been almost half an hour since those strange people left!" Algus mumbled, "Yeah, don’t act like a commoner…" "WARK!" "KUPO!" "DIE!" exclaimed Zalbag, who then chased out the chocobos and the moggle, slashing at them with his sword the whole time. Meanwhile, Ovelia got a hold of a knife and was attacking Delita with it, laughing more maniacally with each slash she attempted while Delita artfully dodged each swipe. Mustadio, on the other hand, was laughing his ass off at the scene, as was Izlude. Dycedarg, being a pile of ashes, blew away with the wind to parts unknown to this day. "Now that’s entertainment," Agrias said, just then arriving to the site of the recent chaos. "That’ll teach them to ignore us in the plot after we joined Ramza," Meliadoul added. Bill then stated, "We’re bad…" All nodded in agreement and there was much rejoicing, yay.

Part Nine: Darn, That’s the End! *Blows kiss* Goodnight Everybody!

Damn, need a quote for the end… I know! "And that’s when I realized I’d been cast into hell…" –Ryouga Hibiki, Ranma ½

All characters are copyrighted © by their respective owners. Kupo!

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