*Warning: Violent content ahead*

*Scene: The Deathmatch Arena. Izlude Tingel of Final Fantasy Tactics, Rei, uh, whatever his last name is, of Breath of Fire 3, and Diego Lisbon of Vandal-Hearts are in the booth*
Izlude: Hello, and welcome to the first ever RPG deathmatch!
Rei: Uh, this isn’t the first one, Izlude.
Izlude: I know that, you know that, everyone knows that, but the author just doesn’t care. Anyway, we’re up here with our special guest Diego Lisbon of Vandal-Hearts.
Diego: Yo! It’s nice to be here. Can I announce the matches?
Izlude: No, that’s our job. If you did, we’d lose our jobs.
Rei: Uh, let’s just tell the people tonight’s match-ups, OK?
Izlude: Right. We’ve got a spectacular show tonight, folks. Our first undercard match is T.G. Cid (of FFT) vs. Jack Van Burace (of Wild ARMs), fighting for the title of "Greatest Swordsman in the Multiverse".
Rei: Our second battle will be Zed (of WA) vs. Sephiroth, fighting over the title of "Most Annoying Bastard".
Diego: And the Main Event is-
Izlude: *Cutting Diego off* Cloud Strife vs. Ramza Beoulve (of FFT).
Rei: Why are they fighting?
Izlude: It’s a long story, I’ll tell you later. Our first combatants are now entering the ring.

*In the ring…*

Rei: In the blue corner, Master of the Fast Draw, Jack Van Burace!
Jack: The old man’s goin’ down faster than a White House intern!
Diego: *Sarcastically* That’s a pleasant thought.
Izlude: And in the red corner, best known as T.G. Cid, Cidolfus "The Man" Orlandu!!!
T.G. Cid: You think you can beat me, eh? It’s harder than you think it is…
Diego: If he says anything about trying a rap, I swear I’ll-
Izlude: Shut up, Diego.
Rei: Here come our referee, Rudy Roughnight (of WA) to explain the rules.
Rudy: All right, you’ve been told the rules in the dressing rooms. I want a tough, clean fight, and a date with Lara Croft.
Jack: You know if Jane hears that, she’ll kick your ass.
Rudy: I was just seeing if you two were paying attention. Must you take things so literally? All right, fight! *He gets the hell out of the way*
Jack: Old man, prepare to lose!
T.G. Cid: Don’t get cocky, it’s gonna get rocky…
Diego: Will the Parappa references never end?
Rei: Probably not, the writer’s a Parappa fan. >^-.-^<; *Jack strikes at Cid with a "Soul Breaker", in an almost futile attempt to win right of the bat. It fails, as usual, and Cid counters with a "Hellcry Punch", breaking Jack’s sword*
T.G. Cid: Ha, ha!
Jack: *Defiantly* Joke’s on you, I used the duplication trick on my sword earlier. I got a whole buttload of ‘em! *Equips another sword*
T.G. Cid: *Sarcastically* Oh, are you the man now?
Diego: *Looks really pissed* ………
Izlude: T.G. Cid has uttered yet another Parappa reference.
Rei: What does a cow have to do with anything? *All sweatdrop anime style*
T.G. Cid: It’s gonna get harder now-
Diego: Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Rei: Uh, Diego? You’re really starting to scare me now… >^-.-^<;;
T.G. Cid: Heaven’s wish to destroy all minds! Holy Explosion! *Jack gets hit by the attack, but counters with one of his own* Let’s see if you can challenge this rap!
Diego: QUIT WITH THE PARAPPA REFERENCES ALREADY!!!
Jack: You ain’t gonna win this one. *Uses "Magnum Fang" on Cid and doesn’t miss"
T.G. Cid: Night Sword! *It hits, but Jack has the Talisman equipped, so he regains the lost HP. The words "Condition Green" appear over Jack’s head*
Diego: FINISH THE PARAPPA REFERER!!!!
Izlude: *Coolly* I take it you don’t like Parappa the Rapper, Diego. *Jack uses "Dual Attack Force", first with a "Trump Card" attack, which injures Cid grievously, then, just as he was about to use the "Magnum Fang" attack again…*
Voice: Salamander! *A fire dragon appears and attacks both Jack and T.G. Cid*
T.G. Cid: Hatatatatatatah! *Goes down for the count*
Jack: Ouchies… *Also goes down*
Rudy: The winner is…?
Diego: Hey, it’s Ash (of Vandal-Hearts)!
Ash: *In Vandalier form* I have sailed the Seven Seas, crossed the highest mountain known to man, and I know that I had enough power to take out jerks like them. I have put my magic gloves of glory and have taken them on a cruise to destroy all of them. Let me tell you about this incident at a coffee shop…
Diego: DAMN YOOOOOOOU!!! I HATE PARAPPA REFERENCES!!!! >o<
Izlude: Calm down, man! ~.~;;
Rei: Doesn’t this just beat all?
Rudy: Why’d you do that?
Ash: ‘Cause I am the Greatest Swordsman in the Multiverse, that’s why.
Rudy: Oooookay, a winner is you, then. ^_^
Jack: *Weakly* Why did you use a zany video game quote?
Rudy: To annoy you. ^_^
Jack: … brat...
Rei: Zed vs. Sephiroth, coming up next on RPG Deathmatch.

* * *

*In the booth…*
Izlude: … I understand. I’ll tell them.
Rei: Tell us what?
Izlude: Zed and Sephiroth couldn’t make it due to pressing matters.
*Elsewhere…*
Zed: That is the last time I ever make a bet with Chibi-chan.
Sephiroth: Ditto. *Both are ironing Chibi’s shirts*
Friend of Chibi: Stop chatting and keep pressing! Or you’ll have hell to pay when she gets back!
*Back to the booth…*
Rei: Now we’re one match short
. Izlude: No, we aren’t, there was a last minute rescheduling. Our next match is Chibi-chan vs. Tomba.
Diego: This is gonna be good… ^_^
Rei: Let’s go to Elmina (of WA) in the locker room.
*In the locker room…*
Elmina: Thanks, Rei. So Chibi, why are you fighting?
Chibi: Tomba seems to hate me, but if I win, he’ll stop the assassination attempts.
Locke: Back to training, Chibi.
Elmina: What is this training about?
Sabin: You’ll see…
*Tomba’s section…*
Elmina: So why do you hate Chibi, Tomba?
Tomba: She constantly makes rude comments about my fighting style, so I’m gonna shut her up for once and for all!
Elmina: What is you fighting style anyway?
Chibi: *From a distance* Pig humping!
Tomba: ^$&*()(&*^$#@*&^$(*#^$(*#^$($#^(*)$^()*#@^$(*^! I don’t hump pigs, you annoying little bitch!
Elmina: *Sweatdrops* Uh, back to you, guys. ^^;;
*Back to the booth…*
Rei: Thanks, Elmina. Our new combatants are entering the ring now.
*In the ring…*
Rei: In the blue corner, the Queen of Strange Fanfiction herself, Chibi Usa-chan!
Chibi: You gotta believe! ^_-
Diego: DIE!
Izlude: And in the red corner, Tomba the pig humper!
Tomba: %$#&$#*, I don’t hump pigs!
Rudy: All right, you know the rules. Chibi, if you make even one Sailor Moon reference, you’re outta here, and Tomba, no, er, no attacks that can be construed as something else, if you get the drift. All right, FIGHT! *He gets the hell out of the way*
Tomba: You’ll never beat me, you magic-girl wannabe!
Chibi: I’d say bite me, but under the circumstances… *Tomba attempts to hit her with his Grapplejack, but Chibi easily avoids it. For some reason, she moves in close, then backs off*
Tomba: What…?! *Notices his Fire, Water, and Wind Gems are missing*
Chibi: Looking for these? *Uses the Fire Gem and Bum Rushes Tomba*
Izlude: Now we know what she was training to do…
Rei: Doesn’t this just beat all?
Tomba: Die! *Pushes her back, but pushes in the wrong place…*
Chibi: Hentai! *("Pervert!" in Japanese)* *She wallops Tomba with her transdimensional mallet (No girl should be without one! ^_-), knocking him out*
Rudy: And Chibi-chan is the winner!
Chibi: Woo-hoo! Yes!
Diego: ARGH! PARAPPA REFERENCE!!!
Rei: The Main Event is next on RPG Deathmatch… >^-.-^<;;

* * *

*In the booth…*
Izlude: And now for the Main Event, Cloud Strife vs. Ramza Beoulve!
Rei: You never said why they were fighting, Iz.
Izlude: Well, it all started when Cloud made some "off-color" comments about Ramza and his family. Things went back and forth until a huge feud broke out.
Rei: I thought there’d be more to the story.
Izlude: There is, I just can’t say it ‘cause the rest is inappropriate for our audience.
Diego: And here come Cloud and Ramza!
*In the ring…*
Rei: In the blue corner, the man who stopped Meteor, Cloud "Spike" Strife!
Cloud: Dammit, don’t call me Spike!
Izlude: And in the red corner, Ramza "We can’t think up a decent intro or nickname for him" Beoulve!
Ramza: *Sweatdrops* Why me? ~.~;;
Rudy: I’ve often asked myself the same question. *Trying to back out of refereeing* Uh, I have to go, er, someone’s calling me… *Leaves slowly out of the ring, then takes off like a shot*
Izlude: Great, where are we gonna get a referee stupid enough to go in there?
Cid Highwind: %*$*&)(&)*&#&$@#()*&$#(*&$*(@#^$)^%!@*#^@! Shera, get me my &^%(&(* tea!
Rei: I think the stars have smiled on us…
*A little later…*
Cid: (&**^&$%^$# You know the rules, I want a tough, clean fight and my ^&%*%) tea! Fight, &%(^%&^%!
Cloud: Heh, this is gonna be too easy. *Draws Ultima Weapon*
Ramza: You said it. ^_^ *Draws his own sword. Cloud, being the unskilled loser that he is (Can you tell I don’t like Cloud?), charges at Ramza and does an overhead slash with his sword, which is easily avoided by Ramza. Ramza, deciding to show off a little (read: a lot!), throws his sword in the air, breaks Cloud’s sword with his fist, the catches his sword by the hilt before it touches the ground* Looks like that knight training came in handy. ^_^
Diego: Whoa! How he do that?! O.O
Rei: Now that really beat all! >^oo^<
Izlude: What a display of showmanship by Ramza!
Cid: Holy s#!t!
Cloud: You’ll pay for that! *Reaches for his materia* Let’s see if you’re still smiling after this! *Ramza casts "Innocent" on Cloud right before Cloud summons "Knights of the Round"* Wha?! Why are you still standing?! *Uses every singly summon he has on Ramza, but none affect him in the least. The "Innocent" status wears off just in time for…*
Ramza: *Casts* Zodiac! *The summon takes of the majority of Cloud’s HP* ^_^
Rei: Can you say, "Cheap Shot"?
Cloud: Why you little! *Tries to strangle Ramza*
Diego: I think Cloud needs to lay off watching The Simpsons for a while.
Izlude: I’ll say.
Ramza: *Trying to pry Cloud’s hand’s off of his throat* Look… Rufus… kissing… Aeris… *Points in a random direction* Cloud: *Lets go* I’ll kill him!
Ramza: *Casts* Ultima! *Cloud goes down*
Rei: Jeez, I thought Ramza would’ve fought fair.
Izlude: He did, Cloud just came unarmed in a battle of wits.
Rei: Huh?
Diego: Cloud’s a dumbass, so Ramza outsmarted him easily and won.
Rei: Oh, I see.
Cid: The winner is Ramza, &^*%&^%**&!
Chibi: *Made a bet earlier on this match* Yay, I won!
Diego: *Silently raging* ………
Chibi: OK, Tomba, go and start cleaning!
Tomba: *Holding various cleaning supplies* &(^&^*(&%%%&*()^*&%&^$%^#%&$(, last time I make a bet with Chibi…
Zed and Sephiroth: *Still ironing* You said it!
Izlude: Anywho, this was a strange, but fitting, end for tonight’s matches!
Diego: Yeah, could they have gotten any weirder?
Rei: Knowing Chibi, definitely. That’s it for today!
Diego: *Glares at Rei* You did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Rei: Sorry, I forgot. >^-.-^<;;
Izlude: I’m Izlude Tingel-
Diego: Heh, heh, your last name’s "tingle".
Izlude: Shut up! *An argument breaks out*
Rei: And I’m Rei, uh, doesn’t that just beat all, saying, "Good fight, good night!"

Next time (If there is one): Izlude vs. Diego, Jack vs. T.G. Cid vs. Ash, and the long awaited match between Zed and Sephiroth (Maybe). ‘Til then, ja ne!

Comments? Want the next one to be made? E-mail me at lessa990@aol.com and tell me!

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