Late Batman Review

Batman's "Scary" Voice
Whenever Bruce Wayne is wearing the mask, speaks in this gruff, gravely voice that is meant to inspire fear in criminals. Unfortunately it sounds like a middle-schooler trying to sound like a WWE wrestler. It's hilariously bad, especially since he doesn't only use this voice when he's trying to intimidate lowlifes, he also uses it when talking one-on-one with Commissioner Gordon.

Maggie Gyllenhaal
It was a weird bit of stunt casting to have a woman play the role of Clayface, but then she never transforms into anything. It's not like they didn't have the budget. A wasted opportunity.

The Speeches
Every character in this movie is prone to spontaneously lecturing the audience on the dynamic between the Joker and Batman, or between Batman and the city, or Harvey Dent and the city. This happens several times throughout the movie, and every major character gets a turn. It is especially hilarious when Batman does it, since he uses his scary voice to deliver comically bad and obvious dialogue.

Poor Fight Scenes
In this film, Batman chooses to trade some of his invulnerability for increased mobility. Unfortunately he still moves like Robocop. Every punch and kick is shot in close up, so that you only see the fist connect, and another thug falls. Batman also uses a lot less psychological warfare this time around. Many times, the camera will pull back from a bad guy and Batman will be behind him. When henchmen are able to see him, they line up to march into his fist.

Brokeback Batman
No, Bane is not in this movie. I am referring to the way Heath Ledger was inspired by his own performance in that cowboy movie, and draws on that experience for his role as the Joker. He all but tells Batman "I wish I could quit you"

Too Long
At around 150 minutes, this movie is way too long. It feels like this movie should have deleted scenes, but they were all left in. Some of the scenes go on way too long. It is possible they were reluctant to cut any of Ledgers scenes, but the Joker is given too much time to explicitly tell everyone in earshot his motivations. This works against the character. Basically, he likes to ruin people's day, usually with explosions. That is it. Unfortunately we are told this repeatedly with several poorly written monologues, and it really lessens any impact that the character has.

Overall, I'd say it is the fifth best Batman movie. Does Mask of the Phantasm count? Make that sixth. The movie looked good, and it tried to be serious, even in it's most overwrought moments. The Joker didn't deface artwork while jamming to Prince on a boom box, so there's that. Oh, and the bit with the pencil was cool. I could take or leave the Joker's Truman Capote voice.

On a side note, the trailer for Watchmen looked promising. Did anyone else notice that the trailer used a song written for the awful Batman and Robin movie? Between their 3rd (pretentious grungy rock) and 4th (goofy techno vampire stuff) albums, the Smashing Pumpkins did songs for two movie soundtracks. These were Eye for David Lynch's Lost Highway and The End is the Beginning of the End and The Beginning is the End is the Beginning (yeah, I know) for Batman Forever. These were a glimpse of the direction the band was heading, that is, into obscurity. So it is odd for a number of reasons to use use TBitEitB for such a highly anticipated movie.

Sunday, July 20th, 2008

If You Spend any Money in an Effort to Watch Meet the Spartans, You Should be Forcibly Sterilized I was in the room when some friends were watching a movie called Meet the Spartans. I kind of liked the first Scary Movie, since it had jokes, and almost a third of them were funny. That's a better ratio than most Mel Brooks films. When I saw Scary Movie 2, I was surprised at how much worse the movie was. Instead of closely following a single movie (SM1 closely followed Scream.) SM2 expanded it's scope, focusing mostly on The Haunting, but also ripping scenes from The Exorcist, Hollow Man, and a number of other movies. Like family guy, the movie sacrificed narrative flow, storytelling, and character motivation to shoehorn in as many jokes as possible. This continued with Scary Movies 3 and 4, Not Another Teen Movie, Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, and soon Super Hero Movie 1 and 2. MTS is bad in the same way as Scary Movie 2, but much more so. The movie is thematically closer to SM1 in that is closely follows the plot to a single movie (300). Unfortunately the movie still tries to shoehorn as much random bullshit as possible. There are no jokes, characters from other movies, or celebrities show up, are killed, and never mentioned again. This happened in previous entries in this loose series, but it is made worse here, as every time an out of place character shows up, another character announces them by name. [Ghostrider appears] Character:"Ghostrider!"[Rocky walks onscreen] Character "Balboa!" [Britney Spears appears] Britney: Britney here." [90 second sequence with choppy visuals where main character runs awkwardly, shoots with machine guns, sports a San Andreas tattoo, car jacks a Hispanic man] Character: "Enough with the SENSELESS VIDEO GAME VIOLENCE!" Also, Dave Chapelle did it better 4 years ago, ON CABLE TV. The budget is really reduced. The whole movie seems to have 4 small sets. Aside from being a terrible movie, there is the risk that some twelve year old will see this and think it's funny. Then they will grow up and somehow get the means to make their own movie, which will be 80% as good as this one. They will know that ratio and be proud of it in the same way I would be proud to make a movie 80% as good as Robocop. The people who made this movie know that it is shit. It is a cynical bid to make money. It worked, this movie opened at #1 at the box office and turned a profit before it even hit DVD. Thanks a bunch, AMERICA! Road House is Also Bad, but in a Commando Way If you haven't seen it, you should watch Road House. It was released in 1989 and it start Patrick Swayze as Dalton, one of the best 2 bouncers around. Though Dalton beats up people who get too rowdy, he is a sensitive, spiritual, well-learned man of peace. That is, until a rich dude destroys a hillbilly town with explosions and a monster truck. This movie has some terrible dialogue, awful acting, shocking changes in tone, and lots of fighting. If you haven't seen it, or have only seen it heavily censored on television, you should watch it right away. Get the collectors edition DVD if you can. Sunday, April 20th, 2008 Whiskey Roundup Over the last year I have managed to all but quit drinking bear. Instead, I have been drinking whiskey. Through much trial and error, I have come to find some favorites. These are detailed below. Please note that alcohol content is listed in percentage, because "proof" is stupid. Who wants a scale that goes from 0 to 200? price ABV% notes Jack Daniels $22 40% Not bad. A little too sweet for my tastes. In recent years they have lowered the alcohol content from 43% to 40%. Sellouts. Bulleit $21 45% This is a good alternative to Jack. It is more than 11 percent stronger than Jack at 45%, and it tastes cleaner and smoother. My primary choice. I beleive it is pronounced "bullet", so that's cool. too. Woodford Reserve $30 45% I like this stuff, but it seems a bit to sweet, and it is a bit pricey. Quality seems to vary from bottle to bottle. Buffalo Trace $25 45% This whiskey has an odd flavor to it that may be off-putting to some. It is very smooth for 45% liquor, but i can't identify the taste. If I were a professional whiskey drunk I might say it is heavy on the "rye" Knob Creek $30 50% A friend of mine swears by this Jim Beam offshoot. I've had it a number of times, but I can never remember wha it tastes like 2 minutes later. Depending on your views on whiskey drinking, that could be good or bad. A bit pricey, a bit strong. New Update The site looks worse now with the backgrounds not showing up. Not sure if it's because geocities updated their code to the newer css standards, or my 1996 style table above broke everything. If I get the time I will fix it, because for a site that was desined over 10 years ago, it loaded fast and looked pretty modern, black background be damned. It is also too bad that my last post for a full year was a misogynist rant about talkative women in films. I initially was trying to put forth a theory about Quentin Tarantino being disapointed that fully half of the population hated his mainstream debut, Pulp Fiction, and that he overcompensated for this by making every film after that about women getting revenge on men. Unfortunately I got sidetracked from the point and utterly failed. The result was a post that gave the impression that I had just suffered a messy divorce, which is odd because I have never been married. Remember guys, if it weren't for women, we would all be gay. Tuesday, April 17th, 2007 Grind House I saw the double feature Grindhouse last week. Overall, the best movie I have seen in the theater in years. The first half (Planet Terror) is a zombie movie, the second half (Death Proof) a chatty chick flick with muscle cars. There are also some excellent trailers for fake movies. Well, all are excellent except for one, which has a lot less imagination and effort than the rest. You will know which one I am talking about. Planet Terror is a pretty standard zombie movie with extreme amounts of blood, bad dialog (but not Sin City bad), and greasy hair. It is bad in almost the same way that Independence Day was bad, but it is somehow still good. I am still trying to figure this out. I think it is because it shows that bad things happen to children because they are stupid, bad things happen to dogs, because they are stupid, and bad things happen to Fergie, because she has man hands. Death Proof reminded me a bit of The Descent, another movie that makes you watch a bunch of girls who never shut up. The ladies here are not as annoying as the granola-eating lesbians from that movie, but Rosario Dawson from Clerks 2 is present, so heads up. A brief part in the middle as well as the last 15 minutes just about makes up for all the pointless talking. Oh yeah, Stuntman Mike rules. Quentin Tarantino appears in both movies. as in Sin City, his involvement detracts from Rodriguez's film, bringing the fast paced film to a halt. His random henchman gets to give a nonsensical speech out of no where. It really draws attention to itself. 20 years from now people will be watching this and say "What was that about?" and some old dude will say "That guy was a famous director". He does have one good line though. His role in Death Proof is significantly less jarring, but man, does he look like an evil Randy Quaid. Another thing I am starting to notice is that since Pulp Fiction, Tarantino seems to be going out of his way to display girl power. It's as if someone called him a misogynists in the mid 90s and he has been going out of his way to show that girl rule and boys drool. It was true in Jackie Brown, Kill Bill, and is especially true in Death Proof. No, I am not threatened by strong women. I am also not threatened by Bigfoot. But I kid. One thing that needs special mention is the blood effects. Every time anyone gets so much as a paper cut in either of these movies, liters of blood are spilled. All of this seems to be accomplished through practical effects. As nerdy and into technology as I am, I am adamant in my belief that CG blood sucks. Blood needs to bounce off walls and stick to ceilings. at best CG blood looks like red hair spray. I am guessing that with this movie they employed a number of midgets with buckets. That is a good thing. In closing: If you are going to see one movie in the theater, see this one. Planet Terror opens with some go-go music that is all brass and bass. All the music in the movie is based around it, and played really really loud. If you don't have a some crazy 5-7.1 sound system, I think something would be lost on DVD. Girl Bands Guess what? I still hate music. As I have said before, I am more forgiving of bands with chicks in them. Here are some girl bands that have managed to break into the mail-dominated modern rock scene: Teagan and Sara Walking with a Ghost was used to advertise Medium, so POINTS OFF. To all bored women: there is no ghost in your house, you just forgot to close the closet door, get over it. I guess they are twin sisters with bad haircuts, so they only had three choices in life: Rockers, Assassins, or Creepy Psychics. Damone These guys are probably one of my favorite female fronted fake speed metal bands EVER. They are another one of those bands that was floundering in obscurity until they put a young chick in as the lead singer (No Doubt). Damone will rock you through sheer earnestness, in the way only the best(?) J-Rock can (Just kidding. All music is better when you can't tell how stupid the lyrics are). I think they had a single on one of the Madden games that people like wasting their money on every year. I it was the one were they added displacement mapping on the players eyeballs and dropped half of the game modes. Shiny Toy Guns: I have a friend who likes this band. This person also hates Garbage. I could understand either of the above, but not both. They are the same band! They both have the mildly unattractive lead singer vamping it up with taunting lyrics that equate to "boy suck and want to bang me". Both have insanely simple, uber-produced techno beats, and both will on occasion make use on an honest to god guitar. We are Pilots? More like Garbage ME! (If you send me an email explaining that joke in sufficient detail, I will send you 20 bucks). Yeah Yeah Yeahs If Teagan and Sara really liked Geddy Lee, they would be the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. But that is silly. Girls don't listen to Rush. So there are the women of rock. Morningwood doesn't count, too close to ABBA. Gwen Steffani is omitted as well. She has gotten way to far with such little talent. Avril Lavrign is still in the penalty box for that "Happy Ending" song (And for changing from third to first person in Skater Boy, wrecking havoc with the narrative) If I have missed anything, please let me know. Sunday, January 21st, 2007 Jordan I have a seven year old sister named Jordan. She is very cute. Last week I was watching the Disney channel with her. The Disney channel is terrible, and has always been terrible. Anyway, That's So Raven came on. I started complaining about how much I hated the show and its titular character. Then Jordan said "More like Fat-so Raven!” Jordan is now officially my favorite sister. Extended Dorkiness I was listening to the radio the other day and Starlight by Muse came on. When I first heard Muse, I thought it was a new song by Evanescence. Starlight actually manages to dial back the electro-goth bullshit to around 8 or so. One of the elements of the song caught my ear. Not the 'worlds slowest drum machine' beat, not the simplified Neil Young style buzzing overdrive guitar, not the rudimentary piano melody. No, if you listen very closely you can hear an undulating synth under all the other noises. I swear to god it’s from Kemco's 1992 Super Nintendo game Top Gear. It might be from when you race in South America for the first time. Top gear was one of the first games available on the Super Nintendo when it was released here. It used an old fashioned 3-D effect similar to what you would find in Rad Racer or Outrun. The game itself was merely decent. The music, however, was excellent and still holds up to this day in terms of composition. The sequel, which came out the next year, had mediocre music, though the title screen music was ridiculously elaborate, featuring multiple digital samples. I am not saying that the muse song is great. It is a disposable pop song with only trace amounts of fatalism, making it the best Muse song ever. I went to wikipedia to look up Top gear, and found "Bliss, a song by British band Muse is extremely reminiscent of Top Gear's title track". Wow, not only are they inspired by obscure videogame music from 15 years ago, someone else noticed it. Wedsnesday, December 27th, 2006 Tragedy Strikes It's been a long time between updates, I know. I was unable to post due to a crippling depression. A few months ago I was browsing Wikipedia, killing some time. Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger came on the radio. When the song came out 8 or 9 years ago, I thought it was too lightweight, but not too bad. Judged by todays standards, it's one of the better songs on the radio. I got to thinking about another band from a year or two before that, around 1997. The song was Soap Disco by a band called Karas Flowers. It too was catchy but overly simplistic. I heard the song twice on the radio, and never again after that. I remember thinking that the band had some potential, if only they could put together some more substantial, demanding music. I awaited a follow-up single, but it never came. I searched the internet, but could find nothing on the band. Everyone I asked had never heard of the band. On that fateful day in the early fall of 2006, I searched for Karas Flowers on Wikipedia. They came right up. I cannot express the level of shock I suffered. It turns out that after the commercial failure of their first album, the band changed their name and focus. they went on to become one of the most successful groups of the last 10 years. They are heard in every grocery store and in numerous trailers for Brittany Murphy movies. They made millions selling fake soul music to middle-aged white women. They are. I am having trouble typing this. Even now, I keep hitting the wrong keys. They are Maroon 5. I feel sick. Again. I Still hate Music To make myself feel better about myself I will complain about the music either you or someone very close to you enjoys. Have you heard that song Lips of an Angel? From the group that combines Nickelbacks vocal "style" with Creeds instrumental pompousity? That has to be the funniest song since U2's Stuck in a Moment you can't Get Out of. It's bad enough that it romaniticises adultury, but the guitar solo is quite possibly tops Creed's Higher as the most "" overindulgent musical interlude of the new century. Every time the song comes on I get this mental image: Bill and Ted: "Infidelity!" <40 second air guitar solo>. James Blunt's Beautiful is still getting airplay. This is one over the most highly reverse engineered hits in recent memory, with lyrics repeating "You're beautiful". As I have said before, when you are writing music for women, you want your target audience to be able to say "That's me, this song applies to me!!!" So in the case of this song, "I'm beautiful, its true!" Another example would be "Yes, I have had a bad day, and I will turn it around! My problems are the result of bad luck, not the result of a series of poor choices and failure to learn from past mistakes!" It is very simple. This differs from writing songs for men. In that case you want to say "I am the original badass. I am straight outta Compton. Some people call me the space cowboy." To recap, you need to write to women in 2nd person, but write songs for men in 1st person. I think this is because guys generally listen to music with dudes singing, and they don't want to be serenaded by some choch. Women on the other hand often listen to songs with male vocalists, so it's ok to be sung to. You may be asking "If you know so much, why don't you get rich writing shitty songs?" Well, it's the same reason I don't open up a Payday Loans next to an Autozone or Liquor Store. I would feel guilty exploiting the ignorant masses, detracting from the country as a whole. Not to mention that when you first pick up an instrument, you pretty much have to be a loud annoying idiot for at least 3 years before you can make anything worth listening to. I feel bad enough making my friends sit through a 3 minute demonstration of my non ear-splitting video game. Tuesday, June 6th, 2006 Top 10 'spins' on WDOK-FM 102.1 I was browsing throught Cleveland Scene Magazine (it's free) and I found a list of the ten most popular songs for some station I've never listened too. Seeing some songs I've been actively been hating for over two years on the list has inpired me to complain about music once again. Los Lonely Boys, "Heaven" I am in complete shock. I cant beleive this song is still number one. Anyways, This song is like a modern Santana song, only (if possible) more bland. The video is also like a Santana video, only lamer. There's some middle aged guy singing and playing guitar while an off camera fan blows his greasy hair around. That's it. LifeHouse, "You and Me" This song is "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls. That is all. Daniel Powter, "Bad Day" The first time I heard this song I was at Quaker Steak and Lube (Awful name for a place that serves food, I mean, I don't want to think about motor oil and anal sex when I am eating). I heard about twenty seconds before I had to get up and walk to the other end of the building where I could no longer hear it. This guys' voice is as annoying as a Simple Plans lead singer, and the message of the song is pretty simular. What makies it worse is that While Simple Plan is targeting preteen girls who are mad at their parents for not letting them wear a halter top to the mall, "Bad Day speaks to women in their 30's and 40's, who should know better by now. I cna't stand it when people tell me they have had a bad day. As in "Don't mess with me, I've been having a bad day". Look, if your boss yells at you, it's because you are a bad worker. If you your child support check is late, well, you shouldn't have had a kid with an irresoponisble idiot. If your car got towed, you shouldn't have parked there. If someone cut you off in traffic, get over it. "This is my song. I overdrew my bank account and the grocery store was out of the milk that was on sale!" James Blunt, "You're Beautiful" I have never heard this song. If I were this dude I would tell all the laydays "I wrote this song for you". Kelly Clarkson, "Because of You" I don't know this song either. A message to dudes everywhere: Quit "ironically" singing along to "Since You've Been Gone". I know you like the song. Natasha Bedingtonfield, "Unwritten" Again, no clue. John Mayer, "Daughters" Some people would argue that John Mayer isn't Dave Mathews with hair. I'm just saying. This song has been on this list so long. What a creepy song. Stay away form my daughter, John Mayer. I bet it has been on multiple WB shows. Hoobastank, "The Reason" Wow, this station loves stagnation. "I'm not a perfect person" sings the disturbing singer guy. Another pet peeve of mine. When called on their bullshit, a lot of people will reply "I am sorry I can't be perfect!" I don't think anyone ever has ever asked anyone to be perfect. A Simple Plan (the group, not the movie) is also guilty of this. Goo Goo Dolls,"Give a Little Bit" This is a cover of that one folksy song Supertramp did before they became the gay and depressed. It sounds almost exactly the same as the original, and adds nothing. The original is still played often on the soft rock stations that play Goo Goo Dolls songs, so it is all rather pointless. It's not as lame as that godforsaken sentimental hillbilly "Drift Away" remake bullshit, just very lame. They should stick to remaking their own songs. I keep hearing that they used to be a good "bar band", but I don't know what that means. Rob Thomas,"Ever the Same" I don't know which song this is. I just looked up the lyrics on google. This song blows. Bad metaphors: Cold, Broken, Fall Down. I wonder if this song is supposed to have a "latin sound". PS 666 WedsnesDay, May 30th, 2006 Worst Update Ever Every new band sounds like Zebrahead. NetFlix is excellent. Now I spend way too much time watching Mystery Science Theatre 3000. Two months ago McCarthy's in Lakewood was filled with women. Last week it was filled with sports management majors. Friday, March 24th, 2006 Lack of Updates I haven't added anything to this site in quite a while. Most of the time I have been spending on the computer has been used working on my game and writing basic java programs for the class I am taking. I think computer programming adversely affects my ability to be humorous. Even now, after all this time, I have nothing. Let me try harder. Boy, that guy from She Want's Revenge sure sounds like the guy form Interpol, huh? Am I right ladies? Um, that guy from DeathCab for Cutie looks like he has poop on his face. I guess that's because he's got a Greyhound Station in his head. I've always wondered what it would sound like if Piglet rapped to Tetris music. See? Not funny. That's why I haven't updated in such a long time. PS: Death Cabs' latest single (Crooked Teeth) has the most unwieldy chorus since that U2 song with the football video(Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of). New Focus For My Game I've decided to change my game from a Double Dragon clone to a Contra clone. This came about when I realized that even the best of brawler games (Double Dragon 2, River City Ransom) don't hold up that well, and most people hate them. A quality game like Contra, where a skilled player can get through without losing a single life, is still respected. Actually, I just didn't want to have to animate hundreds of martial arts moves. My game will be different enough from Contra to be considered it's own game. there will be a larger visible area around the player, and the player character will be ridiculously mobile. There will be wall jumping, long jumping, rolling, etc. I am also considering a halo-type melee attack and unlimited ammo, but a 2 second reload needed after 3-6 shots. Friday, October 4th, 2005 Really Late Resident Evil 4 Review I know this game came out a year ago, but I just got around to playing it. It just came out for the PS2 anyways, and I hear it's a pretty good port, if you can stand the PS2's ugly colors. This is one of the first games in a while I've been able to play for over 6 straight hours without a break, only stopping when I had to go to sleep or work or read about import sedans. The basic gameplay consists of you entering an area, exploring it for 10 seconds, the being jumped by 2-8 enemies. This could get old, except that the enemies behave in a way that makes encounters different depending on the layout of the room, or the number of enemies. Also, you'll come across new enemy types every 20 minutes or so. At first it's groups of spanish villagers, armed with axes and knives (which you can shoot out of their hands), then you get dudes with cross bows and chainsaws (complete with fatality-style moves). In time, the enemies get more and more bizzare, and more in line with what you wold expect from a Residen Evil game. The game is divided up into three areas, each about the same size. There is the Village, which is basically an 19th century european town, the castle, which is a sprawling complex with , with areas reminiscent of the earlier games in the series, with a little Devil May Cry thrown in. I thought the game was going to end there, but at the end is an island military base, looking a bit like the first Metal Gear Solid. It took me about 23 hours through my first play through, making the game about twice as long as the other games in the series. The amazing thing is that there is almost no backtracking in this game. You are constantly entering new rooms in this game. If you find a locked door, the key is never more than three rooms over. The puzzles have been scaled back from previous installments too, so you won't be stuck on any of them for too long. To facilitate the increased emphasis on combat, the controls have been revamped for the better. You still press 'up' to walk forward, though the camera now is set behind your character's shoulder, making it almost like a first-person shooter. Every gun has a useful laser sight, so you can use the analogue controls to aim with pinpoint accuracy at arms (drop weapon), legs (fall over, impeding fellow attackers) and the head (faster kills, though later on, headshots come with a price). The instant 180 turn is back from part 3, and you character moves better than ever. The only thing that is missing is a strafe, and you'll only miss that every 3 hours or so. This is by far my favorite game in the series. The story doesn't seem to be as involving as in previous installments, but it makes up for it in terms of sheer enjoyment. I played the Gamecube version. The PS2 edition contains a side-story with an additional six hours worth of gameplay, but you get grainy graphics and looser controls. Either buy this game, or rent it when you have a lot of spare time. Excuses Long time no update. I've been taking a night class for databases, working towards my degree in computer science. I'm finding database programming pretty interesting. It's a good thing to be into if you are looking for a job. I also spent a large amount of time looking for a used car and working on by 'game'. Time to Bitch About Music Greenday has a song out called "She's a Rebel". You know what that means? She dyed her hair purple and wears ugly socks. Billy Corgan has a new single out. It is bad for the same reasons the last Smashing Pumpkins album sucked, but even more so. Billy Corgan has a duet with an electric xylophone. Dammit, where is the 'Wall of Sound' that helped me ignore your voice in the 90's? Used Car Adventures I also had to look for a new (used) car. My rusted out '91 Mercury Topaz is no longer safe. While I only have 82k miles on the engine and the transmission is sound, the rear passenger wheel is tilting out at the bottom at a 30 degree angle. This caused the car to strafe half a foot to either side when hitting the smallest of bumps at speads over 30 mph. Also, the cars rear end would bounce about seven times. Very unsafe. The mechanic said the frame was rusted out, meaning the car was impossible to fix. It is now pretty hard to find a decent used compact sedan. If you want an SUV or Lincoln Town Car, now is the time to buy. After much looking I ended up with a '97 Mazda Protege. Basically the poor man's Civic. I actually like these cars for their excellent handling and spacious interior. The best thing about the car is that it is not beige,. Honestly, who are these people who buy tan cars? The only major downside to the car is that it has very little low end torque, and a top speed of about 100 mph. Oh yeah, and the tail lights are too big. Game Update I've been going back and forth on setting. For a while I was considering a Drunken Master time period (was that China, like 100 years ago? who knows). Now I'm vearing towards a more Akira-esque future setting. For one thing, a lot of modern stuff wouldn't be too out of place. Second of all, it gives a bit of room for creativity. It allows use of bright colors, as well as dark colors. The use of abstaction and iconography that is so prevalent in japanese design is also cool. There are some risks involved in this approach, however. It is almost always embarassing when some white guy tries to draw anime. You end up with a guy wearing huge goggles, looking angry, gritting his teeth. Bonus points for non-symetric clothing/armor. I am going to try my best to avoid that. Another risk is that I will end up with the latest in a long line of Blade Runner rip offs. This would be much less shameful than producing a legion of angry goggle-men with huge armbands. I think that this setting will go well with clean, bright colors and the familiar, yet streamlined sporting events the game will contain. I haven't even started on any final art yet, it's still all generic South Park junk. Now my biggest challenge is to avoid getting sidetracked while programming a clean neon glow that doesn't wash out surrounding colors. Saturday, July 8th, 2005 Liza Minnelli Sucks Every fucking time I turn around I see this woman. Her only claim to fame is she is the talentless daughter of the chick who played Dorthy in The Wizard of Oz. In the movie 10 Dudly Moores' love interest was Bo Derek. Two years later, he's staring opposite Liza in Arthur. What's up with that? They could have at least given us fair warning and called it 4. Much later, there was Arrested Development, the popular show in which the narrator explained every scene, and why it was funny (not to be confused with Malcom in the Middle, the show where that creepy kid stares at the screen and explains why the scene is funny). Now She's all over the music magazines, Mtv, and VH1. I am sick of her. I have to admit, she is holding up well for a woman aproaching 60. Doesn't look a day over 52. Rock Sucks There was a time when Cleveland rocked. It was before I was born, uh, let's say the seventies. One of the leading music stations was 100.7, WMMS THE BUZZARD. Yeah! The mascot was a black bird with a blond mullet. That station is still around, and it still plays rock. here is the current top 10: Foo Fighters,"Best of You" Once upon a time, the Foo Fighters where a good band. a little bland, but good. Then Varsity Blues came out and used the weekest song off The Colour and the Shape(2nd album) in ads and in the actual movie. That song was "My Hero". I guess it was successful, because every song they made after that has been just as dreary, repetetive, and just tiresome in general. "The Best of You is so bad it's offensive. It actually includes the lyrics "It's real/ the pain you feel". Damn you Foo Fighers. Audioslave, "Be Yourself" I read a review of the CD this came off of that decribed this song as EPIC. What the fuck. Its the same spacey guitar bit from the last 3 singles, and than an angrier version, while Chris Cornell repeats "To be yourself is all that you can be" (or is it do?). Thats some good advice there. That's what I told Jeffry Dahmer. Be yourself. It's all that you can do. The repetition is pretty close to the insanity of "Best of You" , and the message is as inane as U2's "Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own". Nine Inch Nails, The Hand that Feeds Prior to this, Trent Reznor took four years off from the music scene. You probly thought it was closer to eight. What has he done since "Perfect Drug"?. Anyways, This is the laziest song I've heard in a while. It's basically "Head like a Hole" without the anger, or energy for that matter. "Will you bite/The had that feeds you/will you blah blah your knees". What is that shit? And it's popular. After all these years Trent Reznor can still sell something based on the work he did a over a decade ago. I mean, even his contemporary copycats like Stabbing Westward and Gravity Kills would be ashamed to put out something so generic. Mudvayne, "Happy?" "Peel me from the skin/Tear me from the bone/Does it make you happy now?". That is as annoying as when Avril Lavigne whined "So much for my happy ending". What kind of grown man rhetorically asks if someone is happy without the slightest hint of irony? Seether, Remedy I have no idea which song this is. Judging by how lazy everyone has gotten with metaphores, I will assume it includes the line "You are the remedy". I wonder if they named themselves after that song by that Jewish girl band. I'm willing to bet they do that song a great diservice. System of a Down, "B.Y.O.B." This song needs a lot of polish. The new co-lead singer sucks ass. I think he's in there so you won't feel like you are ruining the song when yousing along. Some parts of the song sound like a funky lite beer commercial. I have no idea what would constitute "Lies from the tablecloth". I guess it's an anti-war song, but they really undermine their own message by emphasizing "Why do they always send the poor". I mean, everyone in Iraq is there because they signed up for the army in exchange for money, an education, and benefits. These things come in handy to the poor, but so does a job at the gas station. The so called back door draft is another matter entirely. It's nice that System of a Down is trying to get people discussing politics, but if you learn about the war in Iraq from listening to Xtreme radio, I don't want to hear about how Bush sux, unless you are refering to Gavin Rossdale. Slipnot,"Duality" Again, I can't recall hearing this song. I will assume it is political in nature. Also, Slipnot sucks. Green Day,"Holiday" So far,this has been my favorite single off the new album. The instruments are well played, the singing is good, and it is bouncy and melancholy as opposed to stagnant and dreary. I think the message is that Arnold S. is a Nazi. He'd look badass in one of those black SS trenchcoats. He could have been the heavy in Jacob the Liar. Anyways, I really hate "Wake Me When September Ends", which has the distinction of reminding me of Counting Crows "Long December" and those song children sing when they have to go to bed in those old live action disney movies. That's bad. So "Holiday", overplayed as it is, gets the pass. Papa Roach,"Getting Away with Murder" Not content with writing songs about slitting your wrist, Papa Roach has thrown their hat into the unwashed political band hat receptacle thing. This song is way too on the nose, but in the video the guys eyes are bugging out in a hilarious fashion. I wander if they bug out like that when he "tears his heart open, just to feel". Wrong song, but that's two of the worst parts from "The Best of You" and "Happy?" right there. I guess it's important to retain your humanity while wallowing in fatalistic self-mutalation metaphors. Crossfade "Cold" Is the is song that goes "And what I really meant to say/ is I'm sorry for the way I am/ I never meant to be so cold/ I never meant to be so cold"? Let's just assume it is, even though everyone is cold These days. So after apologising for his very being, the singer uses one of the most overdone, laZy metaphors, repeats it, makes it ther chorus, and the title of the song? And then the lead single for the album? Can you imagine what the rest of it must be like? It's like the worlds lamest studyhall notebook. Game Progress Um, I've spent way too long working on 3D-ish grass that blows in the wind. It's pretty cool, and I've expanded it to work with a multitude of small plants, but it is murder on the fill-rate when I use it on the whole scene. In english this means that at high resolutions it takes a large amount of power than can otherwish be used to display more characters or crazy blood gysers. I still need to do all the trig for slopes, and then make some functions for level design. Fun! I did increase the blood efficiency by about 200%. Should I Z-sort it, adding to the CPU usage, but saving precious fill rate? The suspense! Update: 20 Minutes of work have yielded a 30% performance boost. I guess unused vertex normals still use a lot of resources. Friday, May 13th, 2005 Bad Impersonations Here is a short guide on what Not to do if you frequently use impressions for humorous effect. Don't say the name of the person you are impersonating early and often. for example, "George Dubya Bush here" Don't repeatedly say the name of a known assosiate of the person you are doing an impersonation of, like "George Bush here. Suck it Osama. What are my orders, Dick Cheney?" If you are doing an ethnic/ slacker impersonation, Do not say "like" or a lot. "Leroy here. Yo yo Wus up holms. Like, lets get some watermelon Pedro. Like whatever dude". If you are pretending to be an old man, please refrain from saying "Sonny" and "Cost a NICKEL!". I thought that there would be more items to populate this lopsided list, but sadly every bad impersonation can be summed up by the above bulletpoints. If there is any doubt about your ability to perform an impersonation, DON'T DO IT. Bad Songwriting I have a hard time listening to the radio for more than 4 minutes at a time. One of the reasons is that songwriting mostly sucks. Here is a guide on not pissing me off with your song lyrics. Do not use the worlds "You", "Me", or "I" at the beginning of most sentences, and if you do, do not stretch them out. for example: "Youuuuuuuuuu, You really got ahold of Meeeeeeeeee" or "IIIIIIIIIIII, I'm a midnight [something stupid]" I really like Beating Heart Baby by Head Automatica, but every fucking line is I or you or me. The somewhat cunning juxtopositions help soften the blow, but only somewhat. Also, the lead singer is about 53% too queer. It's hard to get the energetic/gay balance right. Do not do a chorus more than 6 times at the end of a song. Do not do a chorus more than 6 times total in a song. Have more than 20 words in a song. In the last 2 years there have been a couple big hits that had 1 short verse and there rest was all chorus. I can't remember any of them, so maybe they never existed. Also, Do not do a chorus more than 6 times at the end of a song. Do not do a chorus more than 6 times total in a song. Avoid replacing adding unneccesary 'W's to the beginning of words. If you make someone scream wall night, wall night, it's not wokay. It's not woooookay! Quit it with all the tired metaphors already. For example: "I'm running blind, I'm drowning, you're like a drug, you get me high, I am suffocating. I never ment to be so cold as ice, til the dying day that I die" If you are going to write a song about loneliness, please at least try to be clever. There are so many fucking songs about lonliness. Do not write something like "I walk a lonely street, I walk alone I walk alone. It's empty. No one else here on this empty street. I am alone. Did I mention there are broken dreams which are not living, therefore they do not count as sentient entities and I am still technically alone. Where I am currently walking. Alone." If you do you will be insanely successful and have your song played on TV whenever superman gets the varsity blues. So don't do it. Romantic Fatalism is not cool. If your core audience is eleven year old girls, do not write songs with the message "Suicide is wrong, even if it is badass" or "I am krazy. If you don't stop being mean to me, I will Kill you/myself". However, it is okay to write songs about "kill[ing] you and your motherfucking loud-ass barking dog". Please do not make a song that like Jimmy Eat Worlds' Sweetness (or any other song of theirs). Every time I hear it I am reminded of the intro songs of both the early 80's heathcliff cartoon and also Kidd Videos theme (From my vee-dee-oh to my ray-dee-oh). When I was four I actually avoided the show because I would get the theme stuck in my head, especially since they played ten notes from the chorus before and after every comercial break. Arg. Anyways, filling your song with woah-ohs is very lazy. At least Everclear had the decency to think up 20 ways of saying "My dad left when I was young" per song before ending with a minute of "Yeah yeah oh no oh oh yeah" Friday, April 29th, 2005 Game Progress I am adding a page that shows what I am doing with my unamed game. It's on the side bar to the left now. I should have some updates to my other sections as soon as I can find a place to update from where I can't hear multiple television sets from. I am also looking into getting a real web site, one without quarter-page advertisements and restrictions on file types. Thursday, February 24th, 2005 Really Late Half-Assed Game Reviews Halo 2 Why did this take 3 years? If this game came out under a different name 3 years ago, I think it would have been a close race between this and the original Halo. Halo 2 is a great game, really. If you liked the first one, you'll like this one, as soon as you stop whining that they changed the pistol. Oh yeah, they also seem to have narrowed the field of view, so your prepheral (sp) vision has been reduced. This means you'll have a harder time seeing where you are being shot from. Most of the new levels are too big for 4 players, so you'd better be playing online or with system link. It's still an excellent game, don't get me wrong. I'm just disapointed that it took 25 or so world class game designers with extensive experience on the X-Box three years to change the firing rates on the weapons and add space gorillas. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas I was surprised with how well this one turned out. The game is at least four times the size of Vice City. There are way more vehicles. The controls have been improved in every way. The ability to climb is excecuted very well, and much more important than the ability to swim. For some reason, the game is very orange for the first hour or so, but that goes away. This game is so much more polished overall than Vice City. The cars are all more fun to drive, and the trucks feel more... truck-y. The Dune buggy is actually fun this time around. Then there is the parachute, jet pack, go-kart, and the harrier jet. Too bad you can't play as a white guy in a Drew Carey outfit, because otherwise it would be very easy to re-enact Falling Down, terrorizing fast food clerks and mini-mart owners, not to mention walking across highway overpasses and firing rocket launchers at construction sites. One of the most fun things to do in any videogame is to get around $30,000 in machine gun ammunition, steal a police motorcycle, and go on a vigiante mission. If you passed on this because you were tired of the series, you should re-consider. At least rent the damn thing. I mean, it's the only game I know of where you can dress up as Clubber Lang and beat people to death with a vibrator. Really Late Movie Review Against the advice of friends I rented Spiderman 2. All I could get out of them was that the movie was "crap". I thought the first one was decent, aside from the truly awful dialogue. As per usual, I am far too lazy to write an essay style review, so I will instead write a series of bulletpoints. Thanks to magazines like Maxim, within four years all writing will be like this anyways. Bad Stuff 'Bout Spiderman 2 Jerry Bruckheimer Style Racism In this movie, black people exist only to look surprised and shout smart-ass exclamations when stuff blows up. If you are into this sort of thing, I suggest you rent The Rock, for the part during the Humvee/Porche chase when a trolley gets destroyed. I laugh so hard every time at the poor driver. "Save yo-self!" Anyways, this movie isn't as blatent as that, but it's still pretty bad. See also: The Rock, Armageddon, anything with Will Smith. Slow Moving Sequel The first movie had to get all the origin stuff out of the way before it got to the web slinging and minority shouting. For some reason, this one takes even longer to get going. I think they spent 25 minutes showing Peter Parker being late. And then another 30 showing him being sad about being late. See Also: Jaws 2, Analyse That, The Whole Ten Yards. (Just kidding about the last two. I didn't see them, I SWEAR.) That Same Damn Alley Is it just me, or did all this happen in the same alley: Spiderman learns to climb walls, Spiderman Kisses Mary Jane upside-down, spiderman ignores a mugging, and a number of other events. New York city must be about 5 acres of land. I think there were three new sets in this movie. I don't mind them re-using the same sets, but they often use the same camera angles as well. This may be nit-picking. Remember The Good Times? There is a cliche where the villain who used to be friends with the hero has the hero at a disadvantage. The hero then pleads with the villain to remember the good times, and the villain snaps out of his trance and either doesn't finish the hero off or saves the hero from falling off a ledge. That happens here. At least Spiderman wasn't brought back to life by tears or something stupid like that. See Also: Um, There are so many, but I can't even remember right now. What a lousy review this is turning out to be. Good Stuff 'Bout Spiderman 2 Showcases Low-Riding Jeans and Mid-rift Tops There are many times when Spiderman is swinging around, and he flies past people real quick. These people are either kooky black guys or chicks in low cut jeans. I have heard that this fasion is on the way out. This saddens me greatly. I live in Ohio, but thanks to this fad, for about a month out of the year I can pretend I am living in California. Spring will be significantly reduced every year without it. I am also outraged that Jessica Biel failed to garner an Academy Award nomination for her performance in the remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. See also: My book: How to make the World a Better Place Other Stuff Slightly better CG, The costume is faithful to the comic, and the operating room scene is a (sadly, bloodless) stylistic homage to Evil Dead 2. Also, Spiderman hits someone with a small ball of webbing with the force of a punch, retro-actively validating the previous videogames where he did it all the time (It's much easier to program for a bullet than a thiry foot long strand of webbing that stretches and rotates). This only happened once before in the early seventies in the comic. Thursday, January 13th, 2005 My Sister, Brittany Congratulations to my sister. She is not quite yet 21, but she already has 4 cats in her apartment. Also, SHE's MARRIED. Luckily it's to a really nice guy. He is currently in Irag. Thank you sir, for helping protect the country. Hopefully He is brave enough to put up with my sister. We will see. It was Brittany who gave me my beloved black Gameboy Advance SP. I miss you, Brittany! "My Playlist Sucks" section now working See title. I had to re-do all the tables 3 or 7 times. All that work, just to have rounded edges. Wedsnesday, January 12th, 2005 Excuses It's been a while since my last post. I've been working on a clothing catalogue, a website for my friends band, and I am also making a videogame, though it is still too early to have much to show. New Section When I listen to music, it is mostly in my car. I have a Sony MP3 player that allows me to fit over 200 songs on a cd with very little degredation of sound quality. My factory stereo is terrible, but it gets the job done. Anyways, since I have been so mean to fans of a lot of current bands, I thought I would go throungh the 99 or so songs on my player, giving them each an honest evaluation. This page will be updated every so often. Tuesday, June 22nd, 2004 The Kids Aren't All Right A while back I overheard my 9-year old sister singing this: Oh, my love, please don't cry I'll wash my bloody hands and we'll start a new life I ripped out his throat And called you on the telephone to take off my disguise Just in time to hear you cry When you mourn the death of your bloody valentine The night he died You mourned the death of your bloody valentine One last time Oh my love please don't cry I'll wash my bloody hands And we'll start a new life I don't know much at all, I don't know wrong from right All I know is that I love you tonight There was... Police and flashing lights The rain came down so hard that night and the Headlines read "a lover died" No tell-tale heart was left to find When you mourn the death of your bloody valentine The night he died You mourned the death of your bloody valentine One last time Oh my love please don't cry I'll wash my bloody hands And we'll start a new life I don't know much at all, I don't know wrong from right All I know is that I love you tonight Tonight... He dropped you off I followed him home Then I stood outside his bedroom window Standing over him he begged me not to do What I knew I had to do 'cause I'm so in love with you Oh my love please don't cry I'll wash my bloody hands And we'll start a new life I don't know much at all, I don't know wrong from right All I know is that I love you tonight Tonight... "Quit singing that awful song" I yelled at her. I wasn't upset that my young sister was singing about gory strangulation, I was pissed at the shitty level of composition and the maudlin bullshit lyrics. She showed me a picture her friend had drawn. It was a picture of Sonic The Hedgehogs' pink sister/girlfriend crying and holding a boombox. Behind her was the ghostly image of her dead boyfriend. My sister told me that the hedgehog was listening to a song about how another hedgehog had been jealous of their love and had torn out the throat of the rival rodent. "That is the most awful thing I have ever heard of!" I told her. At that point I thought the song was written by some dorky 14 year old Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic writer who didn't know the meaning of "on the nose". I mean, can you imagine If someone was like "Sorry I ripped Out your boyfriends throat. Stop crying. I will sing you A song." (singing) "I ripped out your boyfriends throat. It was so messy I had to wash my hands." I can't picture the song helping matters. I found out about a month later that the song is a fairly popular single by GOOD CHARLOTTE. Jesus Christ, I had no idea just how bad America has become. It seems half of our youth listens to really bad music and one in ten make really bad unofficial artwork based on second-rate videogame characters. A smaller fraction combines the two. A Brief (and Scattershot) History of Sonic Though this is a deadly serious situation, I feel the need to clarify things. The Sonic the Hedgehog games have always been good at best, and shitty at worst. In the early days of the Sega Genesis, Sonic had awesome graphics and catchy music, but the gameplay was seriously lacking. the following five 16 bit sonic games did little to fix things, though the lock-on cartridge of Sonic and Knuckles was admittedly pretty cool. When sonic made the leep to 64 bit with the Dreamcast, the graphics and music were again top-notch, but the controls and gameplay still sucked. Now the GameCube has recieved blurry, slow ports of the old Dreamcast games. Sonic Heros supposedly isn't much better. Anywho, When I was younger, there was a debate over which was better, Mario or Sonic. I am going to say right now, there is no debate. Every platforming Mario game is better than every Sonic game. So the darkhorse half-breed Super Mario Brothers 2 is better than Sonic 3. And Yoshi's Island is better than any platform game Sega has ever released. There is no room for debate. If you think that Sonic is better than Mario, I am sorry, you are wrong. Imagine if you could get a new new BMW 3 Series for the same price as a Chevy Cavelier (or Dodge Neon) with neon lights. A Sonic fan would still buy the Cavelier because "[they] like the color". There is a new(ish) Sonic cartoon. It follows Transformers Armada in that it inserts human children characters into roles of importance in the battle of good vs evil. Oh, and somehow the kids don't die immeadiately. I know this is so kids have characters they can relate to, but its just a crutch for bad story telling. It doesn't help that the show has a smaller animation budget than Captain Planet. Oh well. Tuesday, May 4th, 2004 Stuff you Need to Buy I have a new section up, the first new section since the site was re-designed. Basically it is a list of products I swear by. I will be adding to it from time to time. I call it the Suto Sweetness Awards. "Those who would give up essential liberty for temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." -Ben Franklin Wedsnesday, April 14th, 2004 Dead Painters Sorority Hello girls, I am your new teacher! We already know everything. I am a stupid bitch. I am getting married! OMG WTF?!?!?! Marriage is a prison from which there is no escape. LOL! You are single! Soon your womb will be barren. Is this like freebasing? Not like freebasing. This is freebasing. I want some more. I'm going to Yale! Yay!! I'm not going to Yale! Oh No! Dammit Watson! You're a maverick! A loose cannon! You better fly straight and do it by the book or you're off the force! But I get results! I'll never sell out. Now I don't hate my teacher so much. I've learned that a womans place isn't just the home. It's also in the library! And I've learned the while a woman doesn't have to be a lowly housewife, most are far too vapid to do anything else. Hooray! Tuesday, April 13th, 2004 I need me a new mouse I am sick to death of having to clean the little rollers inside my mouse. I need a new Logitec Mx700. It is a beauty of a mouse. While most mice have 3 buttons and a scroll wheel, the Mx700 has eight and a scroll wheel. It is an optical mouse, and it is cordless, with rechargable batteries and a charger base. Every review calls it the best mouse ever. The Catch is it's around 60 bucks. IGN Review Some other review Dogs Suck It is my responsibility to feed an eight year old dalmation. It was not my idea to get this dog, but I must put up with him.This dog sucks. Since I have lost the ability to write coherent paragraphs, I will make a list of reasons this dog sucks. He smells. If you touch him, your hand will smell. He whines a lot. It is a high pitched squeeling. He wants to be fed every 3 hours. If you don't constantly feed him, he whines. He wants to piss every 2 hours. If don't let him out, he whines. If you go near his food, he growls and guards his bowl, as if you were going to steal the food you just gave him. If he brushes against your pants, your pants will smell. They will also be full of little white hairs which are really hard to brush off. Sometimes when you let him outside, he will make a run for the main street 500 feet down the road. While I would like to see him exploded by an SUV, someone may get hurt in the ensuing sweetness. One good thing about this dog, whom we call Tye (short for Tyler, how lame), is that he has inspired me to create beautiful computer generated works of art. Look out Pixar! Wednesday, April 7th, 2004 Shitty Movies The computer I use to update is in the same room as the VCR. Because of this I have unwittingly watched a number of painfully obnoxious movies. These are all movies that I dismissed as shit ten seconds into the trailers months ago. Unfortunately someone in my household (who will remain nameless) has quite possibly the worst taste in movies. No, wait, those Vin Deisel loving Camero jockeys have worse taste. These movies are all bad, so I will rate them with an inverse scale, the more points they have, the worse they are. Here are some of the movies I have endured 'in the background'. Note that a decent movie would score no points. Again, less is better. The In-Laws I don't remember much about this movie, except that Micheal Douglas was annoyingly hyper, and Albert Brooks was gratingly Jewish. Douglas forces Brooks to go on dangerous adventures for no reason. Rating: Uptown Girls This movie has two annoying leads. No matter how clever the writing, it will still suck because of that. Unfortunately, the writing sucks too. Basically the daughter of some dead rock star has been living on her own, supported by residuals from her fathers estate. Somehow she gets screwed out of her money, and has to work for a living. To make ends meat, she has to babysit Fraiser Crane trapped in the body of a nine-year old girl with premature pms. At first they hate eachother, then they learn to respect eachother, tjen they hate eachother again till the very end. Features lots of shitty indie-girl rock. In this movies defence, one of its many montages is edited in a competent fashion. Rating: Gothika SO Halle Berry plays a psychologist in a penitentury for the criminally insane. She goes home after work and gets in an accident trying to avoid hitting a girl in the street. The girl then burst into flames and Halle wakes up a prisoner in her former workplace, accused of killing her husband, who was also the well loved boss of the place, and cared for by the co-worker who was attracted to her. I would think that it would be a conflict of interest, incarcerating someone in the very institution previously run by the guy you supposedly murdered with an axe. Oh, and she has to shower with her former patients. Also, there are thunderstorms which cause all the flourescent lights to strobe eratically. Another side effect of the bad weather is that some of the cells randomly unlock. Add in every woman-in-peril cliche' from every Ashley Judd/Charlize Theron/Angelina Jolie movie, and you have one shitty movie. Worse than What Lies Beneath. Rating: + Cheaper by the Dozen Steve Martin and Bonnie Hunt have 12 kids, even though he works as a gym teacher. Somehow they are not on welfare. two of their kids are superman and the amorphous Lizzy McGuire. dad takes a better job and they move. The displacement causes much mirth for the oversized brood. Then the mother seeks to promote her writing career by touring New York, leaving the overwelmed Steve Martin to deal with the kids and his new job as a college football coach by himself. In my opinion, Steve Martin hasn't been funny in at least 15 years, and it's all been downhill since The Jerk. Oh god. I just realized that the families last name is Baker. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck. I was going to recomend the movie to people who wanted to see Ashton Kutchers crotch attacked by dogs, but now I can't even do that. Rating: A Guy Thing If you don't know how this movie will end 5 minutes in, you shouldn't be allowed to vote. Jason Lee's character (slightly smart alecky guy)is going to Mary Selma Blairs character (slightly bitchy woman). After his bachelor party, smart alecky guy wakes up to Julia Stiles (whisical, slightly irresponsible woman). Then we see that one of SBW's friends is secretly pining for her. Gee, I wonder how it will end? Rating: Wednesday, March 31st, 2004 New Job I would like to announce that I have finally found a job that pays more than ten grand a year! I have taken over Dr. Samuel Becketts' job on project Quantum Leap. I really shouldn't be writing about this, but since this is geocities, and no one reads my site anyways, I figure it can't do any harm. Basically I use a machine created by Admiral Albert Calavicci (he likes to be called Al) to travel through time and space to right wrongs. Sam, my predecessor had many excellent adventures in time, going as far back as 1862, and had journeys as recent as 1987. He got to trade places with baseball players, writers, women, and even negros! He had the opportunity to right wrongs and radically alter the future. I was very excited when I learned that I was going to continue his very important work. Unfortunately, my excursions through the 4th dimension have been far from fantastic. Whereas Dr. Beckett had to use his incredible intellect to figure out what events he had to alter before he could 'leap', my tasks have been far more mundane. Basically, I've been travelling back into 2003, and I've mostly ended up in suburban areas in North America. And while Sam got to be glamourous people like Elvis or a rape victim, I've been inhabiting the bodies of unemployed teens. It turns out that a music band going by the name Good Chalotte alterered the course of history by recording a song called 'Hold On'. Because of this song, roughly 3,000 shiftless youths didn't kill themselves. Unfortunately, these people were supposed to die. Al put it this way: "When I was 4 lived on my grandfathers farm in Russia. My family raised a number of barn animals, including chickens. One day I saw that one of our hens eggs were hatching. The baby chicks were wet and slimy, but undeniably cute. I saw one of them was having trouble escaping its shell, and moved to help. My grandfather stopped me. I cried "He needs help!". My grandfather explained to me that the chicks needed to get out on their own. The effort they expended in their struggles gave them the excercise needed to be strong enough to survive. If I were to help, the chick would surely be to weak to survive. If it couldn't get out, it was better to let it die then and there." Likewise, these slackers got around Darwins survival of the fitest. This inevitebly leads to a world where it is slightly harder to park. My job is to restore the natural balance make sure that these faux punk fanatics don't forever elude the just hand of fate. The numbing sameness of my travels and sheer number of targets makes this task much less engrossing for me than it should be. Further complicating my task is the inherent weekness in the bodies I tend to inhabit. Have you ever tried to lift a chainsaw with the arms of a Good Charlotte listener? Oh well, at least I have job security, and it beats working at Arbies. Wednesday, March 24th, 2004 The Dawn of the Dead 2004 I saw this movie over the weekend. When I first read they were remaking the classic George Romero movie, I was worried. The 1978 original is my favorite serious zombie movie of all time. I was afraid they would sully the series name with a shitty movie. I was pleasantly surprised by the new one, however. Basically the only thing the new one has to do with the old one is they both are movies where people hide from zombies in a mall. While the first was a deliberately paced tale of survival, the new movie seems in a hurry to rush through a bare minimum of plot points just get to the end. For better or worse the new movie features the newfangled "fast zombies". While the 78' films zombies were slow, plodding, arms-outstreched cannibals, the new ones can run and jump as well as the rest of us. They are pretty simular to the ones seen in 28 Days Later. I could go either way on what kind of zombie a movie has, as long as they aren't those lame pre 1960 voodoo zombies. One thing I hated was all the zombies somehow had the ability to roar like tigers. It is just so dumb. I think they re-used the same 2 or 3 roars over and over. Dumb. I don't want to spoil too much for anyone who still hasn't seen it,but 2004's Dawn of the Dead has the following things: Vehicular Zombicide Atomic Propane Chainsaw Put to Good Use Chainsaw Put to Bad Use Dog Strapped with Ham Lounge Rendition of 'Down with the Sickness' The new one does have its share of problems. The characters have no character. As the lead, Sarah Polley leaves no impression whatsoever. I think she played Chronotrigger for inspiration. I cannot remember her character doing a single thing. Then there is "asshole security guard", "big black guy", "guy who wants to be Richard from Caroline in the City (which I never watched, honest) and "nice love interest guy". Oh yeah, and "girl who is slutty, but only in random montages". Another thing was the cinematography. There is no creative framing. Every single scene was filmed by having the subject in the very center of the screen. This is unexcusable lazy. About halfway through the movie they start using an effect where they shake the cammera and fuck with the focus while cutting the frame rate down to Benny Hill Chase Scene levels. If you saw the overated Gladiator, it looks exactly like when the dudes where fighting the Lions in the coliseum. In other words, distractibng and dumb. The worst has to be the zombie baby. Yes, the zombie baby. Lots of people can't stand it when a kid is killed in a movie. These people are even more upset when the victem is an infant. being sick, I am not one of those people. The Dawn of the Dead has a zombie newborn. The movie tries to build up a sense of dread by repeatedly showing it wrapped in a shroud, and characters almost getting a look at it. When one character finally gets the nerve to take a look, it cuts to a shot of a grey CGI infant looking at the camera, then making a mean face and roaring directly at the camera. The CGI looks kind of like the recent Hulk movie, but decidedly worse. The screen fades to black and a gunshot is heard. This scene sucks. The people offended by infant mortality hate it, and sickos are pissed that the scene was done so poorly it almost brings down the rest of the movie. Luckily the whole thing only takes three minutes and is never refered to again. While it falls short of the original, the remake is still the best zombie movie since Dead Alive. Monday, December 21st, 2005 Ridgeville sucks