The Bishop's Trumpet

In Spring the royal family along with several thousand happy Frankish youths set out on a youth camp in British Armorica. Our family have always been keen supporters of youth activites, and this year was no exception as we 
toured the beaches of Armorica on a wonderful and educational adventure holiday. One experience we will never forget was opening a new "Frankish Youth for Mauralf" camp at Verginetum in autumn to bring charity to the poor British folk of the area. Seeing the sweet looks of those poor little British people as we toured the wards of the hospital at Verginetum we could not help but feel an overwhelming sense that here our country, with the selfless help of our young men, is making a real contribution to the betterment of the world. 

We look forward to taking my young subjects on yet more fun wholesome youth camps next year. We hope to go sailing to meet our chums in Brittania and bring with us our uniquely Frankish sense of fun and comunity work to our northern chums. Have a merry Christmas, and may God be with us all in the coming new year." 
(Fade out and National Anthem)

cried the peasants, as they fled the desolation that once was Dardania. This once-tranquil Balkan town, birthplace of St Jerome, and famed for its' delicate black-shell pottery, has been stormed and fought over by the savage Langobards and Gepids. 

Still reeling from the sack it suffered in autumn, the innocent townsfolk now face another blood-letting, as the avenging angels of the Empire, led by Iosephus Vatatzis, return to pry loose the greedy fingers of the Lombards from this jewel in the Imperial Crown. 

The Byzantine army, though small, seems filled with determination to wipe out the memory of their humiliation last season, and it's tight-knit ranks appeared impenetrable. Whether the Lombards can ride roughshod over them again remains to be seen. Iosephus has also sworn retaliation against any cohabitors, any townsfolk who have assisted the vile enemy in their occupation. 

The townsfolk I interviewed expressed despair at the prospect of another bloodbath like the last, with words such as: "get out of the road you stupid pillock< I'm trying to pack!", and "My foot, my foot, you've broken my foot you fool!", and similar traditional expressions of lament. 

Noone knows what will happen now, with the Lombards, filled with the joys of victory, and poised to sweep further on to desecrate Adrianople and Thessaly, if the valiant Iosephus fails to stop them. One thing is certain, whoever wins, it will be the innocent townsfolk who lose. 

Interested parties are invited to contribute to the Dardanian Relief Fund, c/o CMOT Dibbler, 1 Sidle Sq, Constantinople.

Prince Alpin of the Picts was today severely injured in his pride, when, on test-driving one of the latest model chariots near Ayr, he was repeatedly struck by a fast-moving tree - believed to be an invading English Oak by many, although some hold that it was a foreign agent, probably a Dutch Elm. 

The Prince is resting peacefully in Ayr Bordello, and is believed to be recuperating well. He has ordered a nationwide search for the despicable tree, and complained repeatedly "I'm not MacBeth", to much puzzlement. 

It is believed that this has also prevented, temporarily, his army from completing it's rumoured plan to march south and join hands with the Britons to overthrow the Anglian invaders. 

However, some have rumoured that the nefarious tree was an agent for King Arturus, and that Prince Alpin is now planning alliance with the noble farmers of Saxony, to rid the land of the barbarous Celt.

In a decisive blow for autarky today, Vicas Tyrant of Baltia overthrew the combined armies of Mroz the Merciful of Kolotchine, and Terjo the Just, of Tchoud. 

The bloody struggle raged over the town of Pskov. leaving little behind but bodies and ruins. Prince Mroz is understood to have submitted to the iron will of the Tyrant, but it is believed that Prince Terjo still holds out, praying for assistance from the armies of Natan the Great of Khazaria. 

The battle itself was apparently short and brutal, as the terrors of the merciless Baltians caused the pure slav foot to quail before the onset of the halfbreed Balts. (Refer to battle report for details). 

Editors Note: We have received a partly-burnt, tar-dipped body purporting to be our latest correspondant for Slavia and the North, Ataulf the Avaricious,  bearing the message "Frum thi Imperah of Bizintium". Applications for in the position of correspondant for this area are cordially invited.

The citizens thronged the streets, braving the occasional rainstorm to applaud and acclaim the entry of the noble Vigilius Palaeologus and his band of heroic Byzantine soldiers, still bedizened with the blood of their heroic overthrow of the vile Persians at Kalah. 

Amidst the cheering, the town fathers decreed that the gutters of the streets should flow with wine, and laid a celebratory feast for the Liberators, hailing the patrican Vigilius as Imperator et Ignator. Vigilius was kind enough to address the crowd, promising freedom and liberality for all, and that the protection of the Romans was to safeguard the city for the rest of eternity. 

The whole of the region rejoices, and no doubt many another city eagerly awaits the arrival of this band of heroes. 

Editors note: our regular Persian correspondant has been mysteriously taken sick, so we have substituted a report from a local agency

The town of Shrodus is reeling from shock. Last month, the local bruiser and bully-boy, Caius the Callous, got beaten up by a sprightly newcomer, Litwin Redeye. Vowing to come back "wiff his buddies", Caius stalked off into the Welsh barbar-lands, and everyone thought he was gone for good. 

Now he's turned up, with 20,000 'buddies', looking for revenge. Litwin had luckily invited a few close friends to join him in enjoying the superior local vintages, and these boyos have ventured out to stop Caius and his reign of terror, vowing to protect the Crown & Bottle down to the last pint. 

The locals are boarding up their houses, and some are even leaving town. Tom Rich, the millar, dashed south with his 'friend' Allia, seeking safety, only to return to Shrodus, terrified, reporting that there were too more gangs of bovver-boys having a huge punch-up south of Shrodus. 

When asked, Tom said there were at least 10000 of them in each gang - if Tom's estimates are as accurate as his weights and measures, then that's probably 20 or so. 
 

• The Visigoths have reportedly lost an entire fleet, shipwrecked on the Rock of Gibraltar.
• The King of Italia has announced the triumph of the Reconquista, having (he claims) to have recovered all of Italy form the iron grasp of the cruel Greeks.
• The Gaetulians and the Africans are locked in combat deep in the desert, whilst treachery abounds.
• Egypt and Nubia are quiescent, while Byzantine and Nubian armies glare at each other across the borders.
• The Arab Conquest of their southern neighbours proceeds without difficulty.
• Eastern Persia, long quiescent, shifts and rumbles into life.
• The Wendish invasion of Saxony has apparently stalled in Schleswig-Holstein.
• His Holiness has declared the veneration of the new Saint Atilu of Fondue (see following story) 

In late news arriving at the Trumpet, we are shocked to learn that the savage Eucii, swarming out of their mountain fastnesses, have sacked and burned Adricons, despoiling the Austrasian Treasury, burning the Cathedral, and capturing the ArchBishop Atilu. 

Holy Atilu, the blessed martyr, was slain by these savages, being repeatedly immersed in hot cheese until he suffocated. While at the point of death, he pronounced his continuing faith in Holy Mother Church, appointed his chaplain Agiluff as his successor as Archbishop, and insisted that his statues be made of Gouda. 

Adricons is still littered with the burning remnants of this terrible sack, bodies, burning houses, and cuckoo clocks everywhere.

A huge fight has split the royal Princes of Zenkek. It is unclear exactly what was the source of this argument, except that it is suggestive that Princess Aahz has sided with her son Mundzuc against her husband Dengizich. 

Whatever its' cause, the result is that Prince Mundzuc has taken his pregnant mother, and a few loyal retainers, and fled for the Byzantine Empire seeking refuge. 

Dengizich, when questioned, replied "Off with this insolent dogs' head", and had no other comment. 

We understand that the KhaKhan of Khazaria has offered to mediate between father and son, and has brought a large team of mediators with him.

The NorthEast, so long plagued by violence and corruption, has at last become a plain of peace. 

King Geshem of Sogdia today announced the successful pacification of Alannia. Speaking from the Alan capital of Belishriqan, he promised better times and fatter ponies for all the peoples of Alannia and Greater Sogdia. 

He also vowed to chase down and eliminate the few remaining bandits under the disreputable Mykul, apparently still skulking on the plains. 

The Alans gathered in the square responded with many tepid cheers, and dispersed.

We have heard from our brethren in Constantinople that the Roman Emperor Babylas, in return for domination over his rebellious subjects, has sworn away his soul to his Master, the Great Demon Ahriman: We pray that he and his like be purged by Holy Fire.