till then I will search for the one I love on my own.  I will never pass up the opportunity again.  Promise!!

Good news.  A friend of mine Amber has come back to the lord!

I'm worried for my best friend though.  A guy named Jordan.  He and I share everything with each other.  We know each other really well.  Lately I've been asking him where he is with God.  He doesn't want to talk about it or respond to my e-mails.  I'm worried that his not on track with God and I wonder if he will see the light.

I've also noticed that Christians that are away from the Lord are afraid of coming back to him.  Why?  The answer is the Devil.  When you're not with the Lord your of the world and with the Devil.  He plays havoc with your mind so as to make you draw farther from God.  Fear is not of God but of the devil.  Shame is of the devil, greed, conceit, hate, and will ultimately lead to your destruction.  People that claim to be Christians but are not will not see God's love nor will people looking for God see his love in them.  Christians, that are with God and seek to know him, will overflow with God's love and people will see it in him and know he is real.  People all too often look for signs and messages.  we're that message and our love of God should be evident in everything we do.  Well this all for today Oct.31/98  It's Halloween and all the energy spent on it disgusts me.

Hi there.  this is a new chapter, as is everyday.  I have sinned and have been forgiven.  Oh happy day!  I feel great.  We will all stumble and fall, so I purpose that all that reads this may know that we can be forgiven and that nobody, NOBODY, is perfect and that we all sin.  You have to come back to him so that if we were to die right now that we will see your face and Jesus' face too.  As Christians we must be sure to encourage one another so as not to fall to satan and his angels.  May the Lord bless those whom are not right with him and those who are right to help those who aren't.  I have another question for you, can you see the text over the backround ok?  I'll search for better ones if you need.

,Man alive, has God been showing me things.  I have finished reading Matthew (great, GREAT, book) and I think I shall start reading proverbs.  I love the parables in Matthew, they serve to help me understand what God wants from us and just how deep his love for us really is.  I can't comprehend his love so I just have faith that he's watching and smiling.  Great is the love of God and great is the gift of salvation.  I have had a talk with Dana (A close friend) and she brought something to mind.  We should not preach to others nessasairly, instead be an example of God's love and teachings by trying to live for them.  I have made the text easier to read I hope.  That's all for today, Nov. 14, 1998.
Child of God that is overwhealmed with the joy of God.

Wow.  It's been a little while since I last updated my testimony.  The new things in my life that God is doing is great!  He has blessed me with friends and family who all love me.  I'm constantly seeing places where I need to stegthen and grow.  It's kinda wierd, at times I would like to be damned by praise then corrected with humility.  It's so wierd.  Anyways, I'm having to struggle with lust...  I mean you'd read everything on this page and think, "Hey this guy seems to have his stuff in check."  Truth is that I don't, far from it.  At times it would be better for me not to have eyes to lust with yet at other times I feel so far from lust it just might be concoured.  I don't know why I struggle with lust.  I have so much to be thankful for, so much to look forward to, a girlfriend and a God that won't let me be tempted past what I can handle and yet...  So if any of you have struggled with lust and has overcame it, let me know how, I'm dying to know...  spiritually and physically.  Other than that, my life is going awesome and a half!  School is almost over, I have not felt down one day since I came back to the flock!  I'm going to graduate, go to NABC (North American Baptist College) where I will study the bible and devolp to maybe be a pastor!  Now if you would have said that to me a year ago, I would probably laugh out right at you!  But here I amn, applying for a christian college to eventually teach others the good news!  Glory be to God!!  AMEN!

Well a bit of time has passed since I last added a passage to this.  I think that it was almost a year ago exactly since I started.  And after a year it seems that not a whole lot has changed in my life.  The only thing that has changed is now that I feel even worse when I sin.  Funny no?  I claim to live the life and for a while did.  But I can't seem to maintain it.  It's not funny really, it's sad.  I don't know.  I hate to say that I'm right back where I started because I know that's not true.  And yet my actions when people can't see me speak otherwise.  So where am I?  I think it would be safe to say that I'm caught between two lives.  One from when I wake up to when I get home and start relaxing and the other from after I start relaxing to when I go to bed.  I know that I have come a long way since I started my walk with God.  I know more, I know God better and I know myself better.  I know more scripture and I have made myself a much better person.  But that's not enough to satisfy me.  I want to be perfect.  Unwavering, unshakable, unmovalbe, sturdy and dependable.  And I'm not there yet.  I sing "I will not be shaken, I will not be moved, I will not be shaken" but every day and every night I'm shaken and I'm shaken and I'm shaken till I fall.  Just as God is unrelentingly purifying me and working to make me perfect, Satan is working almost as hard to defile me and make me fall.  I know  this happens for everyone.  I know that I'm not special in this but man alive, it seems that I just want to be in heaven.  Done with this earth and the tempts of Satan.  Which almost displeases God as much as me sinning.  "I have work for you to do, Lee" God says...  I reply, "But I'm tired...  I'm tired of fighting to fall, fighting to make ground in my life only to lose it in an hour.  I'm tired of looking back on a year and seeing how far I've come only to fall so far back.  I don't want to be here anymore."  Don't worry.  I'm not going to end it, that's silly.  But I do long to go home.  I know it's the only way to be perfect and I'm tired of dissapointing God.  *sigh*  maybe it's late and I shouldn't really be thinking to critically right now but I pray everyday that I might go home...  but there is still work I have to do and until it's done, I'm stuck here.  So I'm going to try and make the most of it.  Suck it up, get up and carry on.  It's all I can do.

This is how my life seems to be...

Well this is the same day as the last entry but I thought I should tell you guys what I'm doing with my life.  I'm attending NABC and if everything goes as it should, I will be transfering into the second year of the 4 year bachelor of religon christian ministries next year.  I don't know if I'm called to be a pastor but I do know that I'm called to have the education of a pastor.  Why I don't know but I don't think I'm one to be argueing with God.  It's like, "Hey God, I know that you created the universe but I still think I know what's best."  hehehe.  CYAs soon.

---

    A new day and nothing has changed.  I still remain lustful and I still remain defeated.  I'm told thta I have victory in Jesus.  That He can calm my seas of trouble and guide me from any situation.  Then what am I doing here?  I'll never stand.  I'll never walk.  But I won't give up.  Which, quite truthfully, hurts even more.  Knowing that I'll be walking down this same path again, and againa, and again.  *sigh*  Oh well.  We all have our little skeletons in the closet.  Here's a verse I read just now.

"Here is a trustworthy saying that desreves full acceptanceL  Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners -- of whom I am the worst.  But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimted patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, be honor and glory for ever and ever.  Amen."
--1 Timothy 1:15-17

---

        Well great news!  I wrote a friend--Katie to be exact--all about my life.  ALL about my life.  It was 17K.  That's like a 4-5 page typed letter.  But that's not the good part, not by a long shot!  After reading it she realized that we all face our demons in our lives, whatever they may be.  For us, it was at a really early age that our demons arose.  We fight them everyday.  But that's the key.  We fight against them instead of willingly embrase them.  We are trying to change a patern that is such a part of us as is writing.  If you want to see what I mean, for a week, write with you opposite hand all the time.  Count how many times you switch hands in just a week.  Can you imagine how hard that this fight is?  So pray for us, pray for everyone struggling with breaking a second nature, so that in our lives, Christ's life will shine so bright, all that see us will know Jesus is real.
        Just as 1Tim. 1:15-17 says, "...so that in [us], the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and recieve eternal life" God will use us, struggling, to teach those who are strong, so that both may become stronger.  We will show the unbeliever, that God is real and very personal.  He's not just some condemning God not wanting them to have fun but rather a God that forgives and pours out love, patience, comfort, and guidance as if He were pouring the oceans in all the universe upon those who believe in Him.
        Glory, power, praise, and honor be to God forever and ever! AMEN!!

Better is one day in your courts
Better is one day in your house
Better is one day in your courts
Than thousands elsewhere.

        Holy and gracious God, I come before you with a tired body but an awakened spirit.  I long for you.  I thrist for you.  I want more of you.  I see you working through me when I thought that it would be impossiable for you to work through me.  Thank you so much.  You poured your grace and forgiveness upon me again.  You've showed me just how much I'm loved my you.  I read in the bible how you sent your son to die for me; but today, you showed me that You are even more personal now then you were then.  That Your holy spirit has never, ever been away from you.  You've always been there, God.  Always watching, loving, pleading and teaching me, and only now I'm realizing that in everything I do, I'm in the VERY PRESENCE OF GOD HIMSELF!!  Glory be to You.  Amen.

        What's more people, just as God is always with me in everything, He is with you also.  You've been in the very presence of God since you were concieved!!  Isn't that amazing??!!  God's spirit has been there just waiting for you to tap into it.  Come to Jesus, recieve eternal life, be annointed with the Holy Spirit and hold on because you are in for one awesome ride!!!  What am I to fear when I know that I'm in God's presence?  Who can stand against me?  Against those who believe?  None.  God's going to do some amazing things with this generation, watch for it, it's already begun!!

Where does the time go??  It's weird, ya know?  I made this site so many years ago, like 2 (not so many years ago, eh?) and my heart was so in it, and then, I moved away from the internet, from doing a webpage and my interest in this page hit an all time low.  My friend asked me whether I was going to change the page and I thought, you know, I'm a jerk.  Here God has blessed this page with hits, with people seeing it, with the gospel reaching the ears of other believers and I don't care.  It just goes to show you how wrapped up in stuff you can get.  Not that this is a bad thing.  I have been busy with school.  I'm in the second year of the BR-CM (Bachelor of Religion Christian Ministries) and that's going good.  I'm on academic warning which means, I'm close to failing everything.  But, I'm not.  I only failed one course (long story) and it dragged my GPA to 5.0.  Not cool at all.  Really have to kick it into high gear for this semester.  I've also been spending a lot of time with my girlfriend, Holly.  I know I've talked about other girls on the page.  Dating is crazy...  I've messed up a bunch but with Halls, I'm doing things right.  Folks, if you date, hope that it's your best friend.  You will be more concerned about the friendship and just being with that person than your own agenda or wants.  Just a little tid-bit of advice.  So yeah, that's what's going on with me.  A lot of work, little thanks, no money, and a ton of fun!

...looking over the page, I'm a little bit of a whinner.  I don't have that rough of a life.  In fact, I only complain about one struggle.  I don't really struggle with too much (to my knowledge) other than lust.  And even that isn't so bad.  I've been getting better.  My life is so awesome.  I have a huge house, nice friends, a hot tub, delightful sister, wonderful parents and a loving girlfriend.  I have been so blessed.  I just want you to know that my life isn't always valleys, I have peaks too.  :)

I have spent the last few days working on a flash movie and menu for my page.  It's going to be comming soon if I ever learn how to put it into a HTML tag.  But, if all I'm doing is talking gibrish, then nevermind.  I have recently started going to a pastor about my struggle with lust.  It's really cool and insightful.  I'm also starting to see that there's more to life than a struggle.  That if all I ever do is focus on the negative parts of me, the things that aren't perfect, the things that I have conqured, then I will miss a lot of life and the good parts of me.  My sense of humor, my abilities, my comforting others, all of it would be missed.  So I'm encouraging you to start looking at the possative things about you and when you screw up, get help, get up, and move on.  But do remember, if God loves you enough to die for you, there's something that He sees in you.  Look for it.

Incredible!!  I have finally finished the flash menu.  It still has a few bugs to work out (a pre-loader) but ultimately, it's a go.  And to think, I've only been working on it for the last 3 hours...  it's 4 in the morning here.  It's a good thing that I don't have class or finals.  I can truly sleep in but I wanted to tell you all some awesome news.  The Sunday before Easter Monday God gave me the direction that I have so been longing for and ironically, now that I look back, He was pointing to.  God wants me to first be a youth pastor.  Save some of the youth who will rule the world.  Save them and you save the world.  Save them and you change the world forever.  I want to be an awesome youth pastor that brings youth in and trains them to be leaders in the group and the church.  During this time, I will be supporting my future wife, Holly, who will be getting her teaching degree.  Also during this time I will be learning how to evangelize and grow up spiritually, physically, and psychologically to become a missionary probably in Thailand.  Again, after a undisclosed time, I will move back to North America (Hopefully and prayerfully to Canada) where I will live out my days as a pastor.  You don't have a clue how long I have prayed for this and wanted it so bad.  I was beside myself with anxiety going to bible college for a couple years (going on 3) and not knowing what it would get me or where it would lead me.  What a relief.  I was under the impression that I should choose either missions, youth pastor, or senior pastor.  It was God's idea through Holly to ask, "why not do all three?"  YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CHOOSE JUST ONE CAREER FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!

October 12, 2004

Okay, so it's been like 3 years since the last update and as I re-read this page, I realize that the cry of my heart is still to feel accepted by God.  I find it the hardest thing in the world to truly believe and to live from.  To think that even though I still struggle and fail with lust, God doesn't think any less of me.  I've heard it said, "No matter what you do or don't do, God doesn't love you any more or less" but it's so hard to believe.  I am addicted to pornography.  I am in counseling  to overcome this and though, at times, I don't screw up as much, I still believe that God thinks less of me every time I screw up.  Max Lucado has written a children's book Punchinello which deals with the labels that we've been given by people.  It would seem that the person that puts the biggest dots on me is myself.  If I only could see myself through God's eyes.  It's so funny, the Bible tells me how God feels about it right there in the first chapter of Genesis.  The fist chapter of the bible and mankind (which includes me) is "good".  *sigh*  One day, maybe, I'll truly believe that in my heart.  I really want to.  And I'm sure you do too.  

Well, a lot has changed in the last 3 years.  A lifetime it would seem.  Remember that girl I talked about, Holly?  I did end up marrying her.  And thus began the start of what has been called an earthquake in our lives.  It started before we even got married.  3 days before the ceremony my car was stolen with all my tools (oh yeah, I'm an electrician now) which means I will be on the honeymoon when they find the car.  But that was actually one of the least of my problems...  We went to the RIU Jalsico in Puerto Vallharta, Mexico for our honeymoon.  I must say, it SUCKED!!!  Seriously.  A hotel advertised as a 5 star hotel did not have room service, no food available from 10 p.m until 7 a.m and no activities to offer.  When we got there, our room (which was reserved 3 months in advance) had no blanket on the bed and no bottled drinking water.  I think to myself, "you're so close to the equator that you don't need a blanket at night and this is a five star hotel, you don't need bottled drinking water.  Needless to say, I woke up in the middle of the night FREEZING COLD.  I drank some tap water and as I'm drinking make out the don't drink the water sign.  It had 3 english channels on television, the History channel, the discovery channel and an old movies channel.  Now you're saying, "Hold up there Lee.  You're married now, you should know how to be spending your time."  Well listen, you can only do that for so many hours in day before things start to hurt and it's not fun anymore--trust me.  The restaurants were buffet style and were beautiful!  There were actually 4 restaurants.  2 were indoors and across the hall from each other and were air conditioned.  One was a very formal thing that you have to make a reservation for at 7 in the morning.  Guess what?  7 in the morning does not exist for me on my honeymoon.  If anything but a frisky wife wakes me up before 7, I'm pissed.  So that's out.  The remaining restaurant was on the beach right next to the ocean.  Sounds great, no?  Here's the snag, the restaurants inside are closed from 1o am to 6 pm.  Ironically the hottest time of the day.  So you're left with one restaurant, the one by the sea.  However, as you grab your food and sit down, your meal is swarmed with flies.  I mean swarmed.  And birds, used to people swoop through trying to steal your meal.  You have to fight for every breath.  Very romantic... not.  So we came back early.  I sorted out the car business (the thief totaled it and the Police made it clear they had no intentions of bothering to find out who did it) and actually got more money from insurance than I paid for the car.  nice.  A month later began the hardest trial that Holly and I have ever had to overcome.  We got pregnant.  Everything that we imagined our lives to be was now changed.  To be honest, we didn't do really well with the change.  We were bitter, angry and not very welcoming of the addition to our family.  At her birth, things were much better but still not perfect.  Holly suffered from a severe post-partum depression.  Aluna was born in the middle of a 8.0 earthquake (metaphorically speaking).  Things are awesome now and Holly and I are deeply in love with her but I wonder what damaged has been done to Aluna. As soon as she was born, we failed her as parents.  We weren't able to overcome and give her the welcome into the world she deserves.  We didn't want to be like our parents, we wanted to do things better, and already we failed.  We live in a fallen world and we wreak of fallenness.  So, we must point to Jesus and teach her how to be counseled by him so she can work past our failings.

I realized through my counseling that the Christian has something that the non-Christian doesn't have, Jesus.  And it's through Jesus that we can go back into the past, into the hurt and with the help of Jesus forgive whoever we need to and receive healing.  Well, it's late, and I'm tired.  hahahahaha.  I used to be able to stay up 'till 4 or 5 in the morning... not anymore.  Having a child teaches you (amongst many, MANY other things) that sleep is Gold.

October 13, 2004

After talking to Holly about it she said that I talked more about the crappy honeymoon than about Aluna.  So I'll tell you the story.  I guess it all begins with a really rough start to a marriage.  Holly and I didn't make the adjustment to married life well.  No matter how in love you are somehow marriage changes everything.  I believed that it would be best for Holly to get a job unbeknownst to her.  I even bought a car I was going to fix up to drive to work so she can have the new Sunfire.  So, we ended up fighting about me buying the car which lead to her not working which lead to dragging pain from Holly's past (people calling her lazy) and on and on and on it went.  It was miserable.  Part of the problem was spiritual forces left in the apartment by the previous owners or our neighbors, I couldn't say.  After some prayer, some joint counseling things were starting to slowly look better.  Enter a switch of birth control methods.  Holly and I decided that with a history of cancer on her side of the family the pill was not a good way to go.  You see the pill has a lot of side effects that they don't tell you about really.  The pill increases your risk for breast cancer big time.  It also changes the lining of the uterus so that a fertilized egg cannot implant, in essence, it's like abortion.  So we were going to use something called Natural Family Planning through the Catholic Church.  It boasts the method is 100% efficient.   There is an entire textbook you have to read.  Well, we didn't get through it all and were counting the days until Holly is fertile wrong and we wound up pregnant a month into our marriage.  Most couples would be happy but in our rocky marriage, a baby was not on the order.  We would now have to move from our apartment which we loved to a 2 bedroom place or a house.  It meant that I wouldn't be fixing the car (a slight metallic forest green 1988 rx-7 non-turbo RX-7 a.k.a. The Green Goblin) and my freedoms in life would be greatly reduced.  It meant that Holly's body wasn't her own anymore and the changes in weight (which has always been a sore point in her life) didn't help matters.  We eventually bought a condo townhouse with the left over inheritance money left by Holly's aunt, packed up and moved.  While things in our marriage were better and getting better everyday, we still weren't prepared for a baby.  But after 36 hours of grueling labour, Aluna came into the world.  As Holly spun deeper and deeper into depression, Aluna had jaundice and was very fussy.  Holly and Aluna had troubles breast feeding and so we bought a breast pump and Holly would pump a bottle or two and we had to change to bottle feedings.  The sleepless nights and days were taking its toll on us.  I was unable to work and needed to go on paternity leave which my boss was more than accommodating about.  Eventually, Holly's depression became so bad we saw a doctor and she put Holly on anti-depressents.  Let me tell you, it was like night and day.  The Holly that I fell in love with came back within a couple hours of taking that pill.  And while she was doing much, MUCH better, the anti-depressents were now in the breast milk and was giving Aluna terrible stomache aches.  We then switched to formula and coupled with a schedule, Aluna sleeps 11 hours at night and takes naps and is the most content and beautiful baby you can hope for.  

So, that is the context surrounding Aluna's birth.  And it all goes to point out our selfishness in way that shames me.  Here this person who didn't ask to be born and was brought into existence in part by our decision and in part of God's will, is welcomed by bitterness and resentment.  What an ass am I!  The deep roots of my selfishness were ripped up by God and exposed so that with God I can deal with them.  It's been going well.  I enjoy providing for my family and doing what it takes to make sure that they have what the need.  I'm God's tool in that.  Even though I want the Green Goblin to run, it's has become a spiritual discipline for me to put the needs of my family over the wants of myself.  I have been changed and grown in ways that baffle me.  Holly and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary on August 2, 2004 and in that one year we have grown spiritually like a life time.  I was depressed reading this page because it feels like my passion for God has left, that the energetic Lee was gone replaced by this old tired Lee.  But that's what God wanted.  Since the start of this page I have grown so much!  Praise be to God!

October 13, 2004

As I look back at Bible College I realize that the main thing that I learned is that most professors seem to believe that they have the scriptures figured out.  But they don't.  The more they look at them and dissect them the more strange things start to happen...  A professor I had believed that the servant songs in Isaiah are not referring to Jesus but to Isaiah himself.  Well, on a scholarly level, I can see that.  It speaks more true about Isaiah than Jesus but when you take a step back and actually listen to the Spirit of God about the passage, it becomes easy to see that Jesus is what's being talked about and that Isaiah is merely the shadow of things to come in Jesus.  I don't know, there is a ton of stuff like that in Bible College.  I guess that's one of the reasons I didn't finish.  The professors there had no intentions on helping you understand the scriptures, instead they tried to tell you that it didn't mean what the spirit of God told me it meant.  I'm not claiming that I know more than these professors, all the letters at the end of their names tells the truth in that regard, all I'm saying is that they have strayed from trying to understand the scriptures in ways that are practical to everyday life.  That's all.  Bible College, I found, was all theory and no practical knowledge.  It was very discouraging.  Not to mention the school took a turn for the secular and changed its name so that "it would sound less Christian" that's a direct quote.  The reason is now the school is accredited with the UofA.  Which is great but instead of trying to teach Christian leaders the message of Taylor University College and Seminary (formally North American Baptist College and Edmonton Baptist Seminary) is to grow up and get a real job.  Learn what you can but then be like everyone else.  It makes me sick.  The school has really gone downhill in its leadership and vision.  Anyhoo, I just want to let anybody looking to go into Bible College that it might not be all it's cracked up to be. I hope and pray that it is, but if it's not, try to remember on what God has told you about scripture and life.  Hold on to what the Spirit of God reveals about the scriptures and know that you may have to parrot back some bullsh*t to get a correct answer, but lock the truths away in your heart.  And you will come out of bible college stronger than you went in.  Yeah.  Cya.

October 24, 2004

Today at the Canopy (my church; www.thecanopy.ca) our pastor talked about Caleb and the promise land and how he wants to have a spirit that is different than all of the other Israelites and though moved by much of what he said, it was a call to live our lives in radical obedience and live wholeheartedly for the kingdom of God that stripped me to my core.  I've always hoped and longed that God had more for me than just having a job and looking after my family.  Those are good things to be sure but I wanted something more, something that changed the world.  (again, I'm not putting down being a family man, it's challenges are extremely difficult to meet)  Our church had a retreat with all the men and I found that most of the guys there don't feel like men.  Me included.  And so I believe that God wants to initiate me into manhood so I can point the way to the guys in our small group and then to the men of the church and who knows where else.  Anyways, in the service there was a call for anyone who wanted to live unreserved for the kingdom to come up and receive prayer.  Jim (our pastor) prayed for wisdom over me and my wife.  Nothing could be more fitting than for what I feel God asking me to do.  To ask men to be extremely vulnerable with what they feel ashamed of and help them meet with God and deal with it.  To receive what God thinks of them and to start living it out.  Oh man, I'm excited about it.  Please pray for me and this adventure.  Wisdom, to be sure, but also courage and gentleness two things that you don't see together very often.

December 20, 2004

Today, our rat, Sasso died.  Holly fed her this morning and when I went downstairs she was dead.  So in those 5 minutes she passed on.  I feel sad for her.  She was a great pet.  People who think that rats are 3 feet big, live in filth and eat babies, please, look at these pictures and tell me, does this look like a face that would eat a baby?

Sasso1  Sasso2  

I'm also sick today.  Lots of throwing up, not much fun.  Sleep is still gold.