Microsoft Product Announcement
Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating
every aspect of American life with the introduction of
Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who
engage in sex.
Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug
and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial
leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.
The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for
virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the
non-propagation of human beings.
The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98,
DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton
Utilities).
A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package.
The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98
Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the
sexual services sector.
Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups,
aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches. While Contraceptive98
does not address non-traditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins
are planned for next year. They will be known as BackDoor, AuraLee,
TitElation, and JerkOff.
OPERATION
Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the
package.
At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware.
If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is
sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation,
operation commences.
One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the
session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and
the user gets the message, "It is now safe to turn off your partner."
DRAWBACKS
Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern
during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious
error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of
these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each
time it is used.
CONCLUSION
Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a
reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior
to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the
software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout
and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera.
Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98's
potential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help
users do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for
years."
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