Drink liquor.

Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date.  But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy.  You'll be a WEALTH of information.  You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture.  People will be impressed.  Some may leave the room.

Make things up.

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you'll be damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off.  DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid."  Say instead:  "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981, dollars adjusted for the revised tax base, is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."

NOTE:  Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too.  Say:  "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?"  Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom."

Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.

Memorize this list:

• Let me put it this way 
• In terms of 
• Vis-a-vis 
• Per se 
• As it were 
• Qua 
• So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.", "e.g.", and "i.e."  These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you don't."

Here's how to use these words and phrases.  Suppose you want to say, "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."  You never win arguments talking like that.  But you WILL win if you say, "Let me put it this way.  In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were.  Q.E.D."  Only a fool would challenge that statement.

Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points.  The best are:

• You're begging the question. 
• You're being defensive 
• Don't compare apples to oranges 
• What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable.  Nobody (other than engineers and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.

Here's how to use your comebacks:

You say:  As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
Your opponent says:  Lincoln died in 1865.
You say:  You're begging the question.

You say:  Liberians, like most Asians...
Your opponent says:  Liberia is in Africa.
You say:  You're being defensive.

Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong.  Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say," or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."

Subtle Reversal

When stumped regarding a topic that you have absolutely no idea about, strategically steer the topic towards an area of your expertise.  And then you can enthrall everyone with your vast knowledge of that topic.  You can use phrases like:

• That's all very interesting, I'm sure, but aren't you    forgetting... 
• You've failed to consider... 
• The real issue...

For example:

Some hotshot is enthralling your date with his expansive expertise on the Peruvian economy.  You have absolutely no clue about Peruvians but are an expert on Chinese food.

You quietly interrupt by clearing your throat and say: "That's all very interesting, I'm sure, but the real issue is the effect of small businesses in the economy.  Take Chinese food for instance... " (You continue with it and monopolize the entire conversation.  People will walk away impressed by your vast expertise in Peruvian Chinese food.)

NOTE:  Always relate your topic no matter how unrelated it is.

But be careful, your opponent will want to turn the topic back to his side.

He might say: "We were talking about the Peruvian economy."

You should say: "Your missing the point." (Make a face that seems to say "Are you stupid or something?" and continue with your discussion emphasizing how silly your opponent was to miss the whole point.)  At this point, everyone will think your opponent is an idiot AND will be amazed at your intellectual skills.

Full Reversal

Assuming you are at least as big as your opponent, you might want to go straight for the jugular.  The full reversal requires a loud, authoritative voice.  You might say:

• There you go again, aren't you tired of that topic yet? 
• Isn't that topic dead yet? 
• Don't you know about anything else? 
• You bored everyone to death about that at the last party! (By "warning" the audience of impending boredom, they are liable to    thank you for changing the topic.) 
• I think these people are very well versed about  subject . Maybe we should discuss about... (It  helps a lot    to complement the audience.  It'll help you get their sympathy.) 
• I'm sure that these people are convinced of your great    expertise in subject .  But this is a party... (It helps to    compliment your opponent on his knowledge as he is probably    seeking some sort of affirmation.  This will prevent him from    making any attempts at switching the topic back when you change    it.) 
• I don't think these people want to hear what you have to say    about subject . (When you use this particular line, make    sure that you are more familiar with the audience than your    opponent is.)

 For example:

Your opponent is mouthing off about the current state of the Peruvian economy.

You might say: "I think these people are very well versed about the Peruvian economy. Maybe we should discuss about Chinese food instead." And you happily begin your exquisite soliliquy on Chinese Food with the full attention fo the audience.

Diversive Action (subtle approach)

When your opponent is giving one of his long, boring monologues, you can use diversive action to cause him to stop.  With the subtle approach, you attempt to display platonic concern for the opponent while surreptitiously disrupting his verbal momentum.  To do this, you quietly maneuver yourself such that you are positioned as close to him possible.  When within close approximation, whisper (loudly for the benefit of the audience) any of the following phrases:

• You have something stuck on your tooth. 
• Gee, your halitosis is getting worse.  I can give you my dentist's number and... 
• Is that a toupee or is that your real hair? 
• You forgot to brush the dandruff off your shoulders. 
• Black really makes your dandruf look good. 
• Your fly is open. (Your slip is showing for women) 
• Please say it don't spray it. 
• You have a stain. 
• There's something dripping out of your nose. 
• You're drooling.

Diversive Action (direct approach)

This is the most blatant approach to this technique is to move as FAR as you can AWAY from your opponent without leaving the anonimity of the audience.  From that background position, HOLLER out the previously enumerated phrases.  This should get the effect of immediate laughter from the audience and an equally immediate public humiliation of your opponent.  At this point, you should have hilarious and embarassing anecdotes about your opponent ready so you can grab all the attention by telling those.

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